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007Lostit's picture

Submitted by 007Lostit on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 2:14pm

So most of you who have been following my blog know that my SD17 ran away two weeks ago. She came back after two days.
My question is...how long do you think punishment should last? Should there be any? If so what would you do?

I ask because she thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants still. Making plans for tomorrow (they have a half day of school) and this weekend. Again without letting us meet who she plans on spending this "time" with...but saying oh its with so and so...while her and so and so have not talked on phone or hung out in...oh...over a year. So what do you think?

Comments

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 2:32pm

2 weeks and cell phone and internet privileges gone. Also, must meet whoever she is hanging around with. I had a friend in HS that told her mom for years she was hanging at my house. Never did and her parents were shocked at graduation when my mom told her mom she hadn't seen her in years. Have fun, because while she is grounded the whole family is miserable.

007Lostit's picture

Submitted by 007Lostit on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 3:09pm

well it has been two weeks now. She has not done anything but work and school. But then that is her normal everyday routine anyhow. She doesn't have her cell phone, she lost that awhile back for texting random guys she met at work, and then texting inappropriately with them etc. We offered to give it back to her before she ran away....but she said she didn't want it?!! I think she went and bought another pay as you go cell phone. Because when she is upstairs and doing her chore, which is to clean the kitchen, she has to go downstairs like four or five times....says she is using the bathroom...um...bathroom right around the corner from the kitchen hon. She is uber uber sneaky.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 4:47pm

My kid has disappeared to the bathroom for hours during his chores since he was 10yo. Watching TV, playing video games or on road trips he can go for 10-12hrs without a pit stop. But give him a chore and his bladder shrinks to the size of a peanut.

We considered putting a key lock on all the bathroom doors. But, all I needed was to come rushing in from work one day needing a bathroom and having to kick down the door because I did not have a key. :jawdrop:

My 47yo diabetic bladder is not as controlled as my 25yr diabetic bladder used to be. When I need a bathroom I need a bathroom.

I know, TMI right?

somerg's picture

Submitted by somerg on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 2:39pm

cut her off from civilization, phone, internet, NOTHING

throw in a few hard chore days where she feels like cinderella but looks like the villian

007Lostit's picture

Submitted by 007Lostit on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 3:11pm

lol...would love to but she has done that to herself all along. ie not letting us meet any of her friends....always with an excuse...well they are buys, they have to work, they have a b/f....and on and on...but now that she ran away and thinks that she can do whatever it is her little heart desires....these "friends" are miraculously available ALL the time! Imagine that lol.

She barely has done her regular chore let alone anything extra for punishment. Life for her has gone as as normal while the rest of us are still suffering the after shocks.

ch21's picture

Submitted by ch21 on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 2:59pm

i am 21 and i went through the stage that every parent hates. i wanted to do what i wanted to do and thought i knew everything. my grandmother tried everything to make me better but it didn't work. she accidentaly solved the problem. a few years after my grandfather passed she decided she could not live in that house and we moved. surprisingly my so called friends who had cars did not want to drive the extra miles to come pick me up so i was stuck. i had a lot of time to evalate what was right and wrong and i am now a very mature woman.

i think that the company that a person keeps at that age has a huge influence on the choices that they make. also if she knows that u would not accept a person then she will hide it. i suggest to try to get to the root of the problem which seems to be a person. maybe tell her that if her . ehavior does not change yall will move far away. if she is willing to sneak out for this person she will not want to move far and not be able to see that person. maybe talk to her about meeting more of her friends and be on the lookout for warning signs of alcohol and drug use.it is very common and real kids are curious!!

007Lostit's picture

Submitted by 007Lostit on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 3:23pm

Well thank you. Moving however is not an option. We own our home and in it we will stay. Her mom lives like fifty some odd miles away, but then her dad would never send her back to her mom. They have not spoken to one another in over a year.

Our only requirement is to meet her friends. Not a difficult decision...unless (you are right) she knows we will not approve of them. which is why she probably keeps insisting that it is this other girl who she wants to hang with, that we know is just a blatant lie. Yes, it probably is one person. It is probably this guy she wants to be with. NO clue who he is...no idea even what his freakin name is! Nice communication eh?

Oh, once this girl does get out on her own...she will be in for some hard lessons.
Because she has no personal relationships, and is not willing to build on her family relations, she has no clue how to maintain any sort of relationship. From family, to friends. She has no idea.
She is a follower, and she will find herself in a heap of trouble when she does get out on her own.
Believe me, we are not ogres when it comes to friends. We know they come in all shapes and sizes, personalities, troubles, etc. We were always prepared for that. My own son is 17 also and we know all of his friends and have met their parents. He is allowed to go wherever he wants with them, because he has never broken my trust.
We know all of our 8 year old daughter's friends and parents. She goes on play dates and sleepovers all the time. So we know how to navigate those waters. There are some parents and kids that are "out there" or "have issues" but who doesn't and we don't judge them, we just let them have their friendship because it is theirs.
But with my SD17, she doesn't build those kinds of friendships or relationships. She is more like a user if I am going to be honest about it. Anyone who will see her as a victim, and will feel sorry for her will suit her purposes.
Honestly, you can't do much with a kid like this.
I am seriously just biding my time till it is over.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 4:55pm

At 17 I would usually say she loses everything. Car, phone, computer, etc....

But, after dealing with my own SS-18's brain fart and idiot teen issues as well as taking counsel from my dad on what our goal is (getting the kid out of HS and in to the service) I have learned that sometimes my usual "foot up the ass" tactics may need to be adjusted to deliver on the goal.

Is she out of HS yet? If so, show her the door and give her a choice of leaving with nothing but the clothes on her back or staying and following the household rules.

If she has not graduated, then give her the choice of keeping the benefits that come with respectful family membership or tell her what she will lose. Car, phone, computer, door, bed, etc.... If she stays and plays by the rules then fine. If she does not play by the rules, take her shit away until she plays by the rules while modulating the consequences carefully to get her through HS with some chance at a future and so when she really screws up you have no responsiblity to support her any further.

Good luck.

007Lostit's picture

Submitted by 007Lostit on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 5:42pm

thank you for your advice. She is supposed to graduate this spring..so that is the goal. I don't think she will last that long and if she does I think she will be out the door then. Her dad keeps telling her she doesn't have to leave right after she graduates...and I am thinking...what?! Because she would be so respectful after that???? Right....