Your thoughts....Christmas gifts!
Okay...so 2 weeks ago when winter color guard started, SD14 told DH she wanted a twirling rifle and gloves for Christmas, so that is what I ordered (she also wants a saber that is $100...don't think so). I spent $30 on the rifle, and $20 on the gloves...and got her some other odds and ends (hair ties, lotions, cute nail files, lip gloss). Keep in mind, I also just spent $50 very recently for new dance shoes for guard, and workout pants. Let's not forget the money during football season we had to pay for the "required" hair bows, black socks, black underarmor type shirt (which even the cheap non-brand one was $25), color guard t-shirt. Well, SD14 brings this paper home this week, and apparently the rifle and gloves are REQUIRED for parents to purchase for winter guard! Also, an extra strap is required, and yes, the strap is only $6, but anyplace we find to order it is charging $13 for shipping, making total strap cost $18! We are also required to buy another pair of black leggings which will easily be $10 to $20 depending on exactly SD14 ends up saying she needs. Anyone doing the math so far can see that this little activity is getting expensive quickly!
So, now that the rifle is "required", DH thinks we need to find another Christmas gift! I'm saying BS! She didn't ask before joining guard, and she didn't ask all the questions about cost or anything...just assumes we will have money to buy all this crap whenever! You know how much it cost me per YEAR for my son to play football? $30 for new shoes each year! That is it! That is the only thing the school did not provide!
Another reason I have a problem getting additional gifts at this point is because SD14 still just recently got $200 worth of makeup! Sure, that wasn't officially Christmas, but may as well been! Did my son get $200 worth of anything recently? No!!
I just paid for my son's cap and gown for graduation, and I'm getting ready to have to pay for the SAT for next month. It is also my son's birthday this month.
My thought is that it is a gift to be allowed to be in winter guard, especially with her attitude! Thoughts? Am I being too mean not getting her a different gift?
That is what she said she
That is what she said she wanted for Christmas.
I would not trust SD14 to
I would not trust SD14 to babysit...that is for certain! With her history? Not to mention, do any kind of work for anything? Girl doesn't even clean up after herself!
But, yeah, when I was her age, my parents didn't even buy my clothes any longer! I had a regular after school babysitting job, and some friends of ours allowed me to work their video store for two hours an evening so they could have dinner. I had money! My makeup, clothes, music...all my doing! And, yeah, I often got things I needed for Christmas rather than things I wanted. Basketball shoes, bedding...for stoking stuffers I'd get things like hair spray (it was the 80's)!
$200 for MAKEUP. OMG! She is
$200 for MAKEUP. OMG! She is 14 and out of control. I can see it now...she will want NOT a used car down the road but a NEW car.
HUGS TO YOU!!
Oh...she wants a used car...a
Oh...she wants a used car...a restored classic bug! Not cheap!!! I don't think so! And DH bought her the makeup on his credit card! I tried to tell him it was too much...that I don't even spend that much in makeup...but he didn't listen! And he wonders why SD14 acts like we are rich! Because he is allowing her to put us further in debt!
what does a 14 year old need
what does a 14 year old need $200 worth of makeup for?? I'm a grown up and I don't spend that!! Your dh is crazy as a loon!!!
I feel bad for you bc this needs to be reined in fast!!!
In dealing with the school stuff, we always bought what the kids needed to participate. We always checked it out beforehand to make sure that we could afford it or that we could handle the cost when it rolled around.
I realize you guys didn't get that chance. You need to point out to the DH that this is a lesson for the future!!
Always check the cost before the kid signs up!!!
I pointed out to my SO when sd signed up for dance team, it's going to be expensive and bm is going to ask you for money or complain about it to you.
Luckily, they've been "rolling in the dough" for awhile so they've not asked for anything but medical expenses. But now that bm has lost her job I'm positive they'll be asking SO to chip in.
Good luck, your DH needs to realize that while it may be HIS DAUGHTER.. the money belongs to BOTH OF YOU!!!
After today, I'm even more
After today, I'm even more convinced that SD14 doesn't need any other gifts under or tree! She is such a selfish brat!
So, there is supposedly the choir show tomorrow night down in the city (we live in the county) at the high school SD14 would have ended up going to if she hadn't moved in with us. In this choir, are a few of the old friends she used to get in trouble with. BM calls DH last Wednesday about this...oh, and the boy SD14 was making out with last weekend is also in this choir. DH told BM that first of all, SD14 needs to be asking herself, and not having BM do it for her! He also told BM that he has to work that day, and often doesn't get off until 6 pm...which means he needs to high tail it all the way out to out house to get SD14 only to have to drive all the way back into the city. DH told BM he would have to think about it, but would only be willing to do it if SD14 would ask him herself.
Well, all this time goes by. During church this morning (SD14 was at BM's) BM starts sending DH nasty texts because he won't take SD14 to the event and she really wants to go, etc. SD14 still has not bothered to ask DH at this point! So, basically, the rest of my day is filled with their drama over this whole thing, in which DH gives in that he will take her if her stepdad brings her home after. So yeah, SD14 is going to be at this thing unsupervised, and everyone is okay with this! And this is after SD14 threw a huge fit to get her way and got BM to cuss DH out over it!
So yeah, you tell her maybe and that is her reaction? Spoiled brat! And she has had total attitude all evening even after getting her way! DH tries to get her to watch a movie with him, she cops an attitude that she doesn't feel like it. Yet, on the weekends at BM's, she will camp out on the couch with her and watch TV all day! She only really talks to DH when she wants something from him...like later this even..."So, you taking me to school in the morning or what?" Really? I would have smacked her if she were my child talking to me like that! Once he told her he would, back to her room she went! And I'm surprised she even came out to ask him that! She will usually only talk to either of us via text message when she is in the same house! I personally find that super rude!
Oh, it always blows up! I've
Oh, it always blows up! I've gotten used to it by now! It is DH who has created this monster, as I'm the one who has so many times said no. When he buys things, he does it in a way I can't control it, like when he tried to sneak SD14 out to a shopping spree while I was off to a college visit with my son this past summer. Only SD14 blew that one...because she opened her big mouth while I was around, and I let DH totally have it! The makeup was on his credit card, so even though I said no in the store, he gave me the whole bit it was his card thing.
DH and I used to try to take some kind of vacation away together every year. We haven't taken one in two years now, but we have a cruise next month. We have taken 3 others in the past. Now, it isn't an easy feat for us to go on a cruise....we book it in a way we can make payments, and then I try my darnest to save up spending money. I've not had a harder time this time around...every time I put money into savings, I have to take it back out, because DH has a way of making money disappear. DH keep saying he doesn't understand how we have less money now that he isn't paying child support, and I have to point out to him every time that every time the princess asks for something he gets it for her...that she has grown up over the years believing that daddy was made of money, so now that she is living with us she is bleeding us dry, and he is allowing it!
That said, DH keeps saying that we are going to take SD14 with us on the next cruise. I'm like, "Oh no we are not! How would that be right when we never took either of the other two with us!" He doesn't get that taking SD14 would nearly double the cost of the cruise, because I know DH, he would insist that she get her own stateroom. Let's just say I will give up ever going on another vacation as long as she is in this house to avoid taking her!
But that is the bad thing...I'm always giving up on things because of her, and I make the most money in this house (and have the less personal expenses...sorry, I don't see it as my credit card debt is DH's and that DH's is mine...if he doesn't allow me to control how he uses his card, then it is his debt...the only thing I see split down the middle is house because we all live here...the rest should be seen as you expense is what you use). Fitness is one of my loves...and I like to keep my routine changed up so that it isn't boring. One of the things I feel in love with was hip-hop dancing. My gym offered a class that was covered in my gym fee, but then they changed things around, and they forced the instructor to do Zumba. I'm not a big fan of Zumba, but I say in the class because the instructor has become a good friend of mine...to show her support. However, I still long to take a class. I found one that is $15/class, and you don't have to take it every week...you could take it once a month if you like because of the way it is taught (kinda like the class I had at the gym...new routine every week). I CAN'T take it, because it would get thrown in my face that I said no to SD14 taking a $200/month contemporary dance class when she wanted to take it, but now I'm taking a dance class? I will get yelled at that SD14's dream is to dance! (No it isn't, because if it truly was, when she was forced to move in with us and at a school that didn't have dance, even without the class, she would not have stopped dancing...but she has regulated herself to sitting on her back side...oh wait, lying down, because she doesn't ever sit!) My hip hop class isn't all I've given up...I can't shop any more. I used to like to go and walk around just to get out of the house...look at clothes, and maybe pick up a couple of SMALL trinkets (I like trinkets...silly little $3 magnets for my desk with funny sayings, stuff like that...nothing expensive at all...less than DH spends for lunch eating that junk every day). No, I can't go, because I'm always forced to take SD14 who expects that I have to buy her something because everyone else does, and I don't feel like having that fight with her in middle of the store (because I will NOT give in). I have to give up my Monday Chinese food when she is around...because I do all my laundry on Mondays and DH usually goes to a friend's house, I used to get Chinese so I wouldn't have to cook AND do all the laundry. I can't with SD14, because she always insists on getting this $10 thing of food that she takes like 3 bites and the rest goes to waste, and I refuse to pay for things for her to just waste it...but I'm can't get for me and NOT for her without her throwing a huge fit to DH!
I try to reel him in where I can, I really do. There have been lots of fights, more than I can count.
Exactly!!! When he gets a
Exactly!!! When he gets a work bonus, he earmarks all the money before I even know it existed...he wants to buy himself that toy and this toy. I get a work bonus? He starts talking it needs to know to the bills! What? My last bonus, ended up going toward HIS dental stuff, because he had a tooth break, and we had no other money but my profit sharing! I was ticked!
We don't own or own business...we work separate jobs. I've been at the same job for 8 years now, so my pay steadily has increased somewhat. He tends to bounce from job to job, because none make him happy! Even right now...he has been at this job for less than a year (and is lucky to have it by the way), and he is screaming he wants to quit. Because he rarely stays around for a review, his pay hasn't gone up in more than 5 years. This time last year, he was working a job that he had jumped into in September 2012, because he was "miserable at his job"...a job I knew he couldn't do because he didn't have the skills for the job, but he took it anyway. New Year's Eve last year, he was laid off! He was out of work for a month...I had to TELL him to file for unemployment. We got behind on several bills, and it took some time to catch up...and of course SD14 moving back in in May didn't help that. Because he had to take whatever came along so that we wouldn't totally default on anything, he ended up having to take a pay cut to for the current job...some $10,000/year lower than that other job he took that he couldn't do (which was only $3,000/year more than the job he had before that), so now he is making less than he was 3 years ago!
In that time, I paid off the car I had...a limited production sports car that I love! I paid it off using MY money from an old retirement account from a job I had before DH and I married, that was just losing money to the market...figured I would pull it out and do good with it. That car, unfortunately, broke down with an expensive repair about 6 months after I paid it off (clutch went out...$2500), so I couldn't go too long without a car payment. I kept the car...still have it, but it sits parked most of the time. With over 100,000 miles, things are just naturally starting to wear out, so I fix it as I can put the money aside. I fixed the clutch, but here the last year, the problem has been with the cooling system. Replaced the radiator myself after a stuck thermostat blew the 10-year-old one that was in the car, and about a month later, it spit coolant everywhere again...so it is now parked again until I have time to try to figure out which one of the hoses needs to be replaced (hoping that it is in fact a hose, and not something bigger, like a blown head gasket). When the car first broke down, I purchased a used car...2 years old...that had a much lower car payment because it wasn't a sports car AND didn't have any upside down cars traded in for it. DH's car payment, on the other hand, is $200 more than mine, and he is wanting to trade his car in again! It is his rapid cycle of trade-ins that have gotten his car payment to where it is for a car that is much less. Why am I sharing all this? DH gets all mad when I refer to my cars as MINE...he says that we are married, they are ours...yet I'm the one paying for both of them...not him! His car is his...I don't want anything to do with it!
Now, yes...I helped my son get a car...I took a small loan on my paid off car (which I paid off) to help him get his truck. My son was nearly 18 before he even started driving! I didn't believe that just because he turned 16, that meant he should automatically be able to drive! He got his driver's ed course as a BIRTHDAY PRESENT when he turned 17, and finally finished it (because it was parent taught, so it took that long for him to complete it) about a month before his 18th birthday. SD14 thinks that she is going to start drivers ed in 4 months when she turns 15, and DH is on board with this. She also thinks that he is going to buy her a car, because he has told her he would...not HELP, like I did with my son (I paid for half, and he paid for half...granted, he had to pay me back his half after he started working after getting his vehicle). She EXPECTS this car when she turns 16! Why does she get to be different, when both of my kids didn't drive until 18? I personally don't think that most 16 year olds are mature enough for the responsibility, and my kids were way more mature at SD14's age than she is, but I still didn't think them ready to drive at 16! If the others had to wait until 18, why shouldn't SD14? She has already been caught drinking, smoking pot, I'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder, she lies constantly...and we are supposed to trust her with a car at 16? HECK NO! Let's just say, I'm not participating in it! If DH wants her to have a license at 16, HE can do the parent taught driver's ed with her, and she can use HIS car to learn. DH did not help teach either of my kids (which he adopted) to drive...I did it all. I'm hoping by leaving it on him, she will never get her driver's license...because I seriously do not see DH getting off of his butt to do driving lessons, or make sure she is taking her course, etc. He doesn't even stay on her about things like laundry or her room!
Football is one of the few
Football is one of the few activities that provides most necessary equipment these days. I had to pay for a heck of a lot more than one pair of shoes/season for FH. Cleats, turf shoes (can't wear cleats on turf), stick (two if playing indoor), mouth guard (x2), eye protection, shin guards, protective gloves if a defender (cheaper than med expenses for broken fingers/knuckles)... None of that was provided. Oh - also the uniform, plus pay to play fees.
Saying that, there were more than a few Christmases when it was FH gear under the tree.
Oh, SD14 wrote on her white
Oh, SD14 wrote on her white book shelf in black permanent marker where she put her makeup and a mirror, "Mirror mirror on the wall? Who's the prettiest of them all?" Really? Now, she doesn't have pictures of herself around her room, but she has mirrors everywhere, and is always looking in them. It really is pretty sad! When she has a Facebook page, she totally breaks every rule of selfie etiquette! Let's just say she will post dozens of selfies per day. I know it is normal for teen girls to post one or two a day, but yeah, she will just sit there in her room changing outfits and hair styles and post selfie, after selfie, after selfie. I'm pretty sure she is on Facebook again these days, but I refuse to friend her. I really don't want to know what is going on...it will only piss me off even more.
I got so ticked off on the way home yesterday. We had plenty of things to eat at the house. On the way after picking up SD14 from BM's, SD14 started going on that she was hungry, that she hadn't eaten all day because there is no food in BM's house! Truth...there was no food she wanted to eat...no junk food, because BM has recently been diagnosed with an intestinal infection that isn't going away, and the doctor has ORDERED no junk food, so BM's husband has been keeping it out of the house, because he is tired of his wife not helping herself, and being in bed all the time. DH asks what she wants to eat, and before she answers, I point out that there is plenty of food at the house that needs to be eaten. He asks her again, and she says Taco Bell! So, against my objection, he pulls into Taco Bell and gets him and SD14 crap food. I get nothing, not even a drink, and just say that I will eat at home (I had some tamales we had left over from our worship team lunch at church, some left over sweet potatoes, and some salad we had in the drawer). SD14 scarfed down her bean burritos, and disappeared to the bathroom! The rest of the evening was the whole attitude over the choir thing.
Well, the drama from
Well, the drama from yesterday continued on today. DH got home today to say that he not only had to drop SD14 off at this little choir even, he had to go back later, whenever it finished, and pick her up. BM is the one that found out about this even and let SD14 know about it. She cusses DH out over it yesterday, because he wasn't really hip on the whole idea, and then today, after assuring DH yesterday that they would pick her up and bring her home, she calls DH today and says that he needs to pick her up from the event after the event is over! THIS is where SD14 gets her attitude from! And because DH keeps giving in to the both of them, they both keep doing the same crap to him. The next few years are going to be really hard to deal with at this rate.
I know what you mean! SD14 is
I know what you mean! SD14 is the same way...always quick to blame it on something or someone else, immediately deny something, "Pick up your cup."..."That's not mine!!!"..."You are the only one in this house who drank milk in this house today!"..."Oh." That is the way a typical conversation about anything usually goes. And when she lies, there goes the eyebrows everywhere on her face, but over 13 years, DH has either never picked up on that, or ignores it, because how could his little princess lie!
DH got stuck sitting in the parking lot of the event last night waiting for SD14, because it was held 25 miles away from our house, there was nothing to go do around there, and SD14 did NOT want him to come in with her! And to think, he tried to talk me into going with him...HA! I don't think so! Glad I had laundry to do (probably one of the few times I was happy to do laundry).
This is how SD14 treats DH all the time...he is only there to drive her around and buy things for her! Spend any time with him even to watch just one movie? Nope, she wouldn't be caught dead just hanging out with DH. But if he is taking her shopping? Sure, she will go with him then, but she is really only putting up with him because he happens to be attached to the wallet with the credit card in it! Why does DH keep falling for it? Because he is so desperate for this little snot's affections! Sorry, I love my kids, but if either treated me that way, they would be getting a dose of their own medicine from me..."Oh, you only want to talk to me when you want something from me? Guess you really don't need those early rides to school to keep you place in the winter guard program! You don't care about me, I don't care about your program!"
This is supposed to be the season of giving...the season of spending time with family. She is too selfish to do either! No way DH will convince me that SD14 deserves any other gifts that what has already been bought...I don't care if it has turned out that these items are required items for winter guard that we would have been buying anyway if there were no such thing as Christmas! She barely deserves the hair-ties, cute nail files, Old Navy bracelet, and lotion she got as stocking stuffers!
DH to play taxi again! Last
DH to play taxi again!
Last week, DH gave SD14 a note to allow her to ride home with one of her friends for one day, but she ended up doing it 3. So, 4:30 p.m. comes and goes, and no SD14. When I call DH at 5 p.m., I say, "So, I guess she just thinks she can go to _____'s every day after school now?" He says that she stayed after school to work some project, and that he is trying to get out of work so he can go pick her up. I left him believing that I'm still working, or I know he would beg me to go get her. I'm not going to offer! Of course, I find it strange...SD14 finds a whole lot of excuses to have to stay after school, many more than my daughter or my son ever came up with. I've suspected for some time that something else is going on, but DH blindly believes her. Oh well...
Oh, it got better... So, then
Oh, it got better...
So, then the plan changed AGAIN! Then, there was supposedly some school function for theater she volunteered for until 9:00 p.m...SD14 texted DH while he was on his way out to get her. He did nothing to verify, just accepted it! BS18 (who is in advanced theater) didn't know of anything going on. I look at the school calendar, and the only thing going on was the girls' basketball game which, SD14 is NOT in athletics AND said nothing about the game.
So what is really going on? Some boy, and she wasn't going to get back up to the school like she thought so she made something up to stall DH, knowing he would just blindly say okay like he always does? Off smoking pot? What? I'm willing to bet she won't come straight home from school today, either. Her tardies are on the rise, and for classes other than 2 period (any tardies for 2 period, she always blames on the band hall/guard room being on the other side of the school). Oh, and her grades are dropping more, too. But, like everything else, DH never bothers to check these things.
Here starts the spiral.....
Surprise, surprise,
Surprise, surprise, surprise!!
Again, I noticed that SD14 didn't come home after school. According to DH, SD14 texted him that she was going to stay after school to help another girl on the guard with their winter guard routine, and she was going to have a ride home! Wish I had a spotlight to see exactly who would be giving her that ride, as it is already too dark out to see anyone in the car (no street lights in the country).
Does DH really believe this crap, because I sure don't. She is coming up with some excuse every day to not come straight home. I smell a boyfriend she is making out with, or maybe she's back to her old crap...but something isn't right!
It gets that expensive, I'm
It gets that expensive, I'm sorry... Seriously, we cannot afford over a grand in stuff just for color guard! It gets that expensive, she better find a way to make money...surely considering her attitude doesn't warrant us spending that much on her for color guard even if we could afford it!
At least I don't have to worry about our girls winning some major awards. Not to be mean...they just don't have it together.
Wow! I usually have to get my
Wow! I usually have to get my daughter at least two pairs of running shoes/year ($200/YR). But she runs daily. A pair each of cleats/turfs per year. (another $200/yer). She's used both sticks for about 3 years now ($250 each - yes - so $500 over 3 years).... Will need a new outdoor stick next season - probably $300 for a new one). Remember - she plays in college now! At least two pairs of gloves per season = $50/pair. $100 for a pair of good mouth guards. That is JUST to play at college.
$250/season, winter, spring, summer ball. Tournaments(local) ~100 each. Tournaments (national/scouting) ~$450 each. Plus accommodations/travel/food. BUT - it has saved me $24k/year All I've asked of her Dad has been to show her some (non financial) support. He has seen her play once. In 6th grade.
But I'm sure you and your
But I'm sure you and your daughter discussed all of this when she even got started...and you understood the costs going in. Same thing with my son and football. Sure, he wanted to play in Pop Warner when he was younger, but we just didn't have the money...at that stage you are buying helmets, pads, uniform, mouth card, cleats, everything. He was cool waiting until 7th grade where the school would provide most of the gear and we weren't paying an seasonal fee to play. We discussed it...we came to agreement on it. Every year, our only cost was cleats. In his position, it didn't really matter if he played turf or grass...we got him grass (because that what home field was), and he didn't have any problem on turf with them. His mouth guard we were lucky enough that our dentist made him one free of charge every season...saying because it really didn't cost him anything to make, and we have been with him for so long (i.e., we have already given him lots of money). And yeah, it will probably save us money in the long run, because he is pretty certain to get a scholarship (have colleges looking at him). Even then, the uniform will be provided by the college, and the only expense will be shoes and mouth guard. We have done the camps and such too, but I was actually shocked by how little the camps costs (most the college camps were only about $30 for registration...just enough to cover the shirt they gave you...and this was for the big colleges, too).
Problem I have with this whole color guard thing is that SD14 never asked...and DH never contacted the director for any information such as cost or any of that. Everything has been dumped on us basically at the last minute, and mostly, because SD14 gets the information in advance, but doesn't ask for it until it is needed like yesterday (any papers and stuff get stuck in her back pack, and she doesn't pay attention when stuff is told to her). So, I'm left scrambling to find the money for this and that at the last second. And chances of this paying for school? Yeah...doubtful. I haven't known a single student get a scholarship for color guard out of our school. Let's just say that our color guard has always been really small and outside of the radar for most colleges. It isn't like our athletics teams who send team after team or participant after participant to state competitions. If SD14 has any hopes of a scholarship, it will have to be on grades, which aren't really all that great.
In 6th grade? I had NO CLUE!
In 6th grade? I had NO CLUE! And yes, it tended to be last minute for me... But I DID know there was college money involved, though... Which made me dig deep, and then deeper.
For the most part, I have
For the most part, I have disengaged. I haven't said anything to DH about how suspicious it is that she has this reason and that reason to not come right home after school. If she gets knocked up...she isn't living at our house with the baby...I will make that clear! I already know neither DH nor SD14 will take care of the kid, and I will constantly hear the, "It's your grandchild, too! You should want to help!" BS! NOT my kid, NOT my problem!
No, for the most part, I sit back and watch the show. I concentrate on helping my son get into a college. I've raised my two, and though it hasn't been all roses (no kid is), neither have done drugs, neither have gotten into trouble with the law, I have no grandchildren to date, both are self-sufficient adults, and I'm always hearing about what great people they are from others...so I must have done something right! I continue to peek at SD14's grades and tardies, and laugh (they are all in the same interface, and I always check on my son's...that college thing and all...making sure he is working on that GPA). DH will continue to have his head buried in the sand, until SD14 ends up pregnant or he gets a call that she was rushed to the hospital because she passed out from mal-nutrition. Maybe then he will wake up, but I doubt it!