New, Introducing myself
Hi all,
I am new here and very happy to have found this site. Reading some of the posts has made me feel so validated and not alone. I am very confused and feel like I need direction.
I have a SO who I have been with for 3 years. His kids and I have gotten along great until his daughter became a teenager. She is 14. He also has a son pre-teen. She recently came to live with us for school (her BM lives an hour away). After 2 months, she decided to leave and move back with her BM.
It has been hard for me because I got attached and then she just left. I don't hear from her now except when she visits SO. I realized that for a long time now I have made a lot of my life more about his kids. And this maybe wasn't a good idea. I'm really just the girlfriend and if anything ever happened, I'd never see them again. I feel like I need to pull away some. We get them every weekend now, and I find myself anxious just thinking about their visit. If I don't go back to "falling in line" with the weekend visits (which are usually shaped around what they want to do) then I will miss out on enjoying time with SO and I know I will find myself jealous that I wasn't involved. Its such a strange feeling.
My other issue is that I am not sure my personality fits well with SD as she gets older. There are things I think they should be taught or ways they should behave that they aren't taught with BM.
How do I keep my distance, but still feel like I am not ignored by SO?? We are great when its the two of us, but things seem to be all about the kids on the weekends. If they are having a problem, then he spends alone time with them, even if we already have family plans. I feel ditched. Then guilty because I am mad at him for being a good dad.
Thank you all for listening. Again, so glad I found this board.
Welcome, and good luck.
Welcome, and good luck. Having teenage SK's is tough. I started out with three of them, on FT and two 50/50. Now we're just down to the one SS13 50/50, but he's still a handful.
I am also new to this site
I am also new to this site and I hope I can get insight from others. Short intro - married 3 years to a wonderful man that I fell deeply in love with. Knew he had twin daughters who were 12 at the time I moved in. We have 50/50 custody. My kids are grown and out on their own so there aren't any struggles with blending kids. Things were pretty good the first year and a half but now it seems like I resent them being here, start getting depressed days before they're with us, and can't wait until they're gone. They are really good kids who do well in school, don't do drugs, not having sex etc. But they have been allowed to RULE the household since they were young. They have absolutely no responsibility for household tasks, weren't interested in working during the summer to save for college, don't pick up their own messes, live like absolute slobs and are allowed to talk very freshly to me and their BF. I think BF feels guilt and also hates any kind of confrontation so instead of setting rules, providing consequences to actions, we end up fighting because I just can't take this anymore. I feel that they are very disrespectful to me, to our house and to my attempt at making our home comfortable, clean and inviting. Oddly enough when we went on vacation and stayed in 2 rooms at a hotel and ordered all our meals out, we had a wonderful time and I actually thoroughly enjoyed them. (I didn't have to arrange dinner around their picky eating, couldn't see their bathroom or bedroom and didn't have to do anything for them. It was bliss.) Am I expecting too much? What is a stepparent's role in setting boundaries and expectations? HELP!
I go through the same exact
I go through the same exact thing with Skids. I understand about the no responsibilities and that my DH does not like confrontation and feels guilty. I try not to cause any disagreements but sometimes I am so frustrated that they have the run of the house and everything is about them even the meals. I am new at this so I am not sure how to handle it but I stay disengaged most of the time. Sometimes though I feel like if they are big enough to tell me what they want for dinner and how they want their laundry done shouldn't I be able to get in on dishing out the chores and responsibilities instead of feeling like a personal maid.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the comments. This is such a great board!
purplecrocuses-- that must be
purplecrocuses-- that must be so difficult! I can't imagine taking care of someone elses' when all I would want is mine! I am sorry. You must miss them so.
Noturbabysmama - the
Noturbabysmama - the discipline thing is hard. Mostly I ignore it or I tell their dad that they are doing something wrong and he handles it. I am lucky, he is such a good dad -- as I said great dad, at the sacrifice of being a good boyfriend sometimes-- so he does typically handle what is going on. If they do something to disrespect me directly and blatently, they get ignored until it changes. Don't clean, don't do any favors, don't speak more than i have to.
Really all you can do is defend yourself... if he isn't going to do it for you. Also, read some of the posts about detachment. They are so helpful. You shouldn't have to clean up after them. I stopped that.
Always anxious - welcome to
Always anxious - welcome to the board - I will start off by saying I have read none of the above posts except yours.
You have been with your SO for 3 years - it is great that you and the kids get along - don't be hard on yourself that you have made your life about the kids - you see them on the weekends so enjoy that. Teenage girls I have learned from my friends are a tricky animal - enjoy the fact that she wants to live with her mom and you get SO by yourself during the week - I take it you two live together. As far as the weekends being shaped around them that would be normal for a man with kids who only sees them on weekends. If you two want to do something then have the 14 year old if she is old enough watch her brother and the two of you go out but he does have children so children activities for their weekends would be expected.
As far as teaching your SD any things you have to let that go - you see her 8 days of the month so you should just be enjoying time with her - now if she is being disrespectful that is a whole other story. You also need to perhaps have a talk with your SO about your feelings of abandonment on the weekends when the kids are there - you are a couple and the kids should see you like that and you should be included in all activities. That being said it is not such a horrible thing if on one of the days of the weekends every other week that you make plans to go do something and let the skids have their father for the day - it is all a balancing act. Even in bio families sometimes the mother or the father will take one of the children and do something alone with them while the other parent takes a day for themselves. You also have to realize that you have your SO all the time - they only have limited visitation and it is important that they have that time with their father. If problems arise and family plans need to be scrapped this is just part of dating a man with children. You may not come first now but when they are adults you will get your turn. Right now he needs to help them and guide them through the maze of life.
As far as your personality fitting with your SD's - I don't think many woman's personalities fit with teenagers - it is a tough couple of years and just need to be there for her if she wants your help and if she doesn't then just let her know you are there. Good luck.