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Guilt....

Calypso1977's picture

Submitted by Calypso1977 on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 8:00am

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Teenage Stepchildren

So i told my fiance way back before Thanksgiving (when i got ALL the christmas shopping DONE!) that i was not doing SD14's stocking this year, and that if he wanted her to have one it was his job. I did purchase her a small item to open Christmas Eve with the family, that is identical to the gift i got her fave cousin, but the rest was on him. He said fine. Last year i did her entire stocking with my own money and spent time finding nice things, etc. And of course i never see her use anything or wear anything we give her and she just isnt thankful or appreciative.

so the other day he went out and i mentioned i might go to Trader Joe's. he then says to me "if i give you money will you get SD stuff for her stocking?". i said no.

even tho he was willing to give me the money, i dont want to take the time to get the stuff. i feel like a bitch tho. then he's like "well what do i get her? i dont know what she likes".

today he gave me another song about how he was going to go to Walgreens and get her candy. I gave him a few other suggestions to help him out, but i feel like this is somethign HE needs to do. i felt good standing up for myself and making him do what i think is teh right thing, but i have guilt. Argh.

Persephone's picture

Submitted by Persephone on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 8:18am

No guilt needed. I know easier said than done.

Let him get her the candy, or whatever he 'thinks' it is she will like. (Most kids like candy, so it will not be a total fail.)

If past history is any clue to the future, do not spend too much time on it. She is 14... need I say more? I would have sent my own kids away to boarding school at that age if I could have afforded it!!

Standing up for yourself is empowering and lasts longer than the candy, or the thoughtful gift gone unnoticed or unused.

intrinsicmemory's picture

Submitted by intrinsicmemory on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 8:28am

Don't feel guilty! I went to huge effort the first Christmas for SD, stocking and gifts, 2nd year I did nothing... and neither did DH until he realized I really want doing anything for her, it was all a bunch of last minute things that disappeared to BM's... just like the year before.

Now, it was given to her, so I suppose she can take it where she pleases, but when she takes a bedding set back to her mother's then expects daddy to buy another set for our house? No. She can be cold this winter after relocating a bedding set, that is just ridiculous.

onthefence2's picture

Submitted by onthefence2 on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 9:17am

Ugggghh I feel like copying my rant on NCP from another post. If he doesn't know enough about his daughter to fill up a freaking stocking, THEREIN lies the problem. Him expecting you to do it is just sad.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Submitted by CantKeepDoingThis on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 9:40am

Don't feel guilty! I pushed DH to get SheSloth's gift this year and gave him a price range. He picked out a color guard necklace! BM is getting her the saber she wants soooooooo badly (and will probably never use in guard because they don't do sabers...or she will just make more enemies/drama by forcing the issue). DH doesn't get to be the hero this year! Oh well! I got SheSloth a robe, but it is more for me than it is for her. I'm tired of seeing her run from the bathroom to her room in nothing but a towel barely held up to her front! She will probably still do it, but at least now she won't be able to use the excuse that she doesn't have a robe when she gets yelled at for it! She has been told about a billion times to dry off and get dressed in the bathroom!

So SheSloth will basically be getting jack from us, and I really don't care! No guilt here! The ways she treats people in this house, she is lucky to get anything!

Glassslipper's picture

Submitted by Glassslipper on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 9:44am

I totally feel the same as you, except SD is only 9, It was always me, paying for her stocking and him waiting till the last minute to get gifts because he needed my help...It will get better.
I think it was 1/2 effort that he asked you to get it if he gave you money, I don't mind helping but its paying for it all that sucks because DH doesn't do the same in return...

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 10:04am

What was that saying again? You can never parent more than the bioparent does (and not be resented for it)

Stay the course!!

legmel's picture

Submitted by legmel on Mon, 12/22/2014 - 11:43pm

In May this year the One Direction Concert *barf* tickets went on sale for next year. SD14 told yes told her Dad(did not ask) that she wanted Golden Circle VIP tickets - these were super expensive R2600. I had "accidentally" overheard this discussion so when he came to me with the story I was well prepared. He pleaded with her to reconsider and take the general access tickets where most of her friends would be but no she insisted. He then in an attempt to soften the blow told he me it would be her xmas present..... roll on 7 months later and NO I have not forgotten the "deal" he actually suggests that we buy her something! She is not with us on xmas day its her BM's turn this year. But I am not surprized by his behaviour. They both thought I would have forgotten that he spent nearly R3000 on her concert tickets.