Does the resentment ever go away???
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Ok so I have disengaged from my SD13 who has been living with us for about 2 months. The thing is I have this nagging feeling of resentment towards her. I just want my life back to how it was when it was just DH, BD10 and myself. I cringe every time she walks into the room. I wish I didn't feel this way, I feel bad about it, but then again it's because 90% of the time she opens her mouth she's lying or being manipulative and I see right through it. I guess my question is does that feeling of resentment ever go away? Disengaging has definitely helped but I just can't shake that dreadful feeling every time she comes home. I know I need to get used to her being here but I just can't figure out how to do that.
I bloody hope so, but I'm
I bloody hope so, but I'm learning it ain't gonna be that way - ever! Reason for this is, because as long as SD13 continues to resent my relationship with her Father, I will always resent HER attitude towards us.
Until then, we will be at a stalemate.
I've been wondering the same
I've been wondering the same thing lately. My DH wants me and his son to have a loving relationship but I keep trying to tell him that will never happen. His son has given me looks since the age of seven when we got together that if looks could kill, I either would have been dead a long time ago or I have died multiples of hundreds of thousands of times!!!! His BM died when he was five. His dad and I started dating when he was 6, we moved in together when he was 7 and married almost a year later. Before I came along, everyone felt sorry for him and literally gave him everything he wanted. When he saw that he could not manipulate me, he had NO use for me and still doesn't. He won't tell anyone how he truly feels but he is a master manipulator. And no matter how I try to tell my DH, he doesn't see it. Somehow it's all my fault for not being more "loving" with him. He lies to his dad behind my back so now my DH feels sorry for him son because of how horribly I've treated him over the years. Resentment going away, I'm not sure about that but now I realize how much I also resent my DH for letting his son treat me like crap and blaming me for it all.
Sorry, but I think you better
Sorry, but I think you better start a secret savings account. Doesn't sound like this is going to end well for you.
I don't know that it does.
I don't know that it does. I've been disengaging from SS10 & SS13 for about a month after a particularly hellish weekend in which they magically forgot how to flush toilets, lied to me 4 times in 12 hours, were caught snooping through a pile of bills and took all calls from BM in the locked bathroom.
My future DH was NOT happy with my sudden distance, and it caused a couple of tiffs. However, some of their recent behavior appears to have opened his eyes, and I can tell he's getting increasingly unhappy with the situation as well. Case in point: asking for MONTHS for sports game schedules, waiting for them to invite him...yet only hearing from them when they want money or a ride. Hopefully he will make some changes.
In the meantime, I have been just avoiding: working night shifts when they are here, running errands they wouldn't want to go on, etc. But I, too, cringe just seeing them. I just do not trust them farther than I can throw them.
Same here, she has zero
Same here, she has zero respect for him. She doesn't look at him as a father she sees him as an ATM. It disgusts me that he can't see she's playing him like a fiddle but what can I do? Nothing but try to exclude myself from that mess.
Yes it is the tone alone that
Yes it is the tone alone that makes me want to choke her! She speaks to her father like he is her little brother...oh and not to mention the swearing. She swears so much that it slips when she's talking to her dad and all he says is "hey"...wow powerful parenting there huh? She didn't come home one night she was out with her friend...didn't call nothing, just stayed out til the next morning. I had to call her school to see if she was alive and well. Yep, guess what her punishment was???? She was grounded for the WEEKEND...are you kidding me? I never would have seen the light of day again. Unreal. I think he feels she is too far gone and he doesn't want to put anymore effort into trying to "fix" her but I keep telling him if you aren't going to parent her send her back to her Mom. Ugh.
My SDs
treat their dad like an ATM, a limosine, laundry service, chef that they bitch at when he makes stuff that they usually eat and then all the sudden they change their mind... their total scumbags to their D.
Ditto...ditto...ditto. When
Ditto...ditto...ditto. When SD14 walks into a room, I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise as every muscle on the back of my neck and shoulders tense up! I find myself wondering..."What is she asking for this time?"..."What has she agreed to without asking us if it is okay?"..."What lie is she going to tell?"..."Am I going to hear for the billionth time how awesome she thinks she is?" At the same time, the other side of my brain is saying, "Here goes my husband bending over backward for this princess again, yet I can't even get him to take the trash out?"
Disengaging is difficult...I have for the most part unless their stuff is totally interfering with me (like the other night when they were arguing and I was trying to sleep...neither of them will back down, and I knew I was never going to get to sleep unless I basically stepped in and told them to cool it). Things I will not tolerate...my house being trashed or SD14 getting into things that are mine or my son's...I WILL step up and say something there.
But I don't think the feeling will ever go away! SD14 will need to make some serious, sincere changes and DH will have to be consistent in knocking the girl off of her high horse before my feelings toward her will ever change. In the mean time, as long as her "I'm better than the world" attitude keeps up and DH keeps bowing down to her, I can't stand to be around her!
That is exactly how I feel!
That is exactly how I feel! Her father does not stand up to her, he believes all her BS stories and manipulations. He feels guilty because he didn't believe she was his child, he still always took care of her, but recently did a DNA test which she found out about. He tried to say it was a dental test but she put 2 +2 together. So the girl gets away with murder and it makes me sick. I am starting to resent him because he tries to be a big man when it comes to me, but he can't even stand up to his own child??? She puts on this perfect little angel act around me but I see right through it. I was hoping there would be some light at the end of the tunnel but I guess not! I'm glad I'm not alone, it's nice to know this is somewhat normal in the Step world. Thanks everyone.
Yeah, I am starting to feel
Yeah, I am starting to feel resentment towards my DH too. If he had stood up to his son years ago and backed me up more, we wouldn't have the monster that we have today. Mine also is a big man when it comes to me but his poor son has had such a rough life. It gets old. You are definitely not alone and a place like this is so nice to be able to vent your feeling and people actually understand. When I try at my house, I'm treated like an alien from another planet!!!!
Exactly! If I hear "well look
Exactly! If I hear "well look how she was raised" one more time I'm gonna scream. You cannot use that as a crutch her whole life. She is in a better environment and she knows right from wrong. Sometimes I feel bad because I dote on my daughter, but I really don't go out of my way at all for SD13. Why should I? I don't feel she deserves it. Maybe that's harsh but I know how she is and I don't respect it. Sexually active at 13??? I don't think so honey. That was the nail in the coffin for me. I've washed my hands.
My mom once told me, when I
My mom once told me, when I was in the middle of a full on teen bitch fest, that she was sorry for any problems I inherited from her but she was done hearing me bitch and that these were now my problems to fix.
We all inherit crap from our parents, how we were parented, our childhood experiences, etc... but at some point they are our issues to solve.
If there is any group that demonstrates this most clearly it is Skids. Their parents make all kinds of excuses for toxic Skid behaviors, therapists coddle them because they are CODs, teachers coddle them because they are CODs, family coddles them because they are CODs. They don't need coddling. They need parenting with behavior and performance standards. They can work through their issues after they are raised, launched and making their own way. The ones who are raised with behavioral and performance standards are not the ones who have issues to work through. It is the coddled CODs that suck everyone into their hurt little feefee issues and struggle in adulthood.
IMHO of course.
Unfortunately
no. It only gets worse.
The resentment goes away when
The resentment goes away when the resentful behavior ends. That is why I confront resentful behaviors. That may build resentment in the perpetrators of the resentful behavior but... that is not my problem. They learn to stop the toxic resentful behaviors or they suffer. When they learn that their behavior is what is causing their misery they stop that behavior. Hopefully they retain that learning and don't repeat the resentment inducing behavior. If they do, the consequences escalate as does their misery.
It is easier to confront these behaviors than it is to tolerate them. So, I confront them.
I'm going through the same
I'm going through the same thing with SD15. I really am just waiting till she turn 18 and graduates from high school then my So and I plan on a future together. Right now her father feels trapped but I refuse to play her games and he knows that. He accepts my hard line in the sand and follows it.
Gets Better Sometimes
My resentment of SS has faded considerably... now that he hasn't lived here for over a year. For me, not having to wonder WHEN / IF SS was coming home, WHAT he was up to & WHO he was bringing into my house while I'm at work, IF he would graduate HS, WHEN he would bother to get his license & insurance to be able to drive the car we'd gotten him... not to mention praying God protect SS, his friends, and the local public for the intoxicated driving (weed) they were likely doing ('cuz if you're Wake-N-Bake and have a car... !), have all helped me calm down.
I swear being a StepParent can give you PTSD! I had to recalibrate because when I hang on to resentments, it hurts me far more than it hurts the person I resent. One of my best friends could see the resentment was eating at me & confronted me several months after my SS got kicked out, which helped me become willing to let it go.
100% helps that I no longer live with SS though. I forgave, but will never forget.
Now the resentment of DH; that's another story. I have a lot of uncertainty about how to deal.
It does not get better..
SD just turned 16 and lives in the same house as me and didn't even have the descency to say happy birthday. I've been disengaged for some time now and that was the nail in the coffin. Saying Happy Birthday should be common thing for a person you live with. She will never ever get another gift or meal from me. I dislike her as much as she dislikes me.
SD needs to be with her mom, she's in my house for the accomodations and what she can get out of her dad. I have a feeling we'll be living seperate soon and it can't happen soon enough. I share the same sentiment as most here, I hate being in the same room with her.
My SS did the same thing...
... a few years ago, "ghosting" me on my birthday.
Too bad he didn't know I played the long-game, said nothing at the time but took note. He subsequently got himself kicked out a year and a half ago.
Recently, guess who showed up on my birthday with a really nice card?
I feel this.
I'm hoping the resentment will go away. My SD15 is a thorn in my side to put it lightly. I get along better with SD10 but she is walking in her sister's footsteps at a rapid pace and even though I used to have hope for her, I'm starting to lose that hope as she gets older and I don't know how to stop it or if it's even my responsibility to care at this point. My DH has finally seen the light, though and does not tolerate her/their crap anymore. Only problem is, no matter how hard either of us tries, they just seem to be getting worse. We ground them, take privileges away, and try our best to communicate WHY we are disappointed in their behavior. They don't seem to care.
I daydream about the day that SD15 moves out.
Military School works wonders
Military School works wonders to provide structure and abject misery when devil spawn are seemingly beyond salvage. They take female students as well.