Oh, my biokids are already the only ones on my life insurance...that already caused an argument between me and DH. He thought I should list SD15, because BD23 and BS19 are listed on his. I had to point out, he adopted BD23 and BS19...that is the big difference. For all intents and purposes, I'm their mother and he is their father...so they are heirs to both of our "estates". SD15 is NOT an heir to my estate, because BM is still in the picture...he is her father, BM is her mother. DH was NOT happy about it, but I never changed it! I think the reason that DH gets bent out of shape about it is because he knows SD15 will not inherit anything from BM...she hasn't worked a day in SD15's life, she has no life insurance, etc. So he thinks I should feel sympathy and include her as my heir so she will get something. Sorry, I'm not taking away from my biokids' share to give to someone who does not appreciate me!

I am already on BS19's bank account...we did that when he opened it over a year ago, with the idea being that he was going to get to play ball for a college somewhere and I wanted to be able to get money to him in a pinch quickly. Wiring money and all that crap takes time, but since we both have the same bank, I can move money to his account and he has instant access.

I do have to say I'm very proud of my biokids! BD23 had a rough spell there for a bit as a teenager, but she got out of it, and is a very hard working adult..two jobs, her own place, doesn't ask me for anything. BS19 busted his butt and got himself on to an NCAA football team (there were some non-NCAA colleges that really, really wanted him, and the coaches sounded sad that he got a better deal). Through his entire senior year of high school, he has kept his job...with studies, football...he worked over 40 hours last week, but he doesn't mind. He would rather work those hours and have the gas to go where he wants to go, take his girl to the movies, buy some things to fix up his truck, etc. He doesn't expect us to pay for any of that! BS19 contacted his bio-father in the last year...I supported him on it because I knew he had to deal with those demons to move on with life. Losing BS19 caused my ex to shape up his life...he doesn't blame me or DH for taking BS19 away. Actually, when he sees where the kids are that BS19 used to hang out with when my ex was in the picture (kids of my ex's friends), and looking back at his own life, he is happy I did what I did, because he doesn't believe BS19 would be here he is in life if I hadn't. No one in my ex's family has ever gone to college, and here is BS19 going to college, playing football. Even my ex understands the effects of bad parenting...the last person I ever thought would understand that! I would think DH would wake up and get it!

That's just it...if DH thinks "we" have the money, me putting my foot down about what the money is spent on causes a huge fight, especially if I'm saying no to something that SD15 doesn't really need. For instance, DH thinks SD15 NEEDS a smartphone. Problem is, SD15 has been caught doing "stupid" things with her internet access, and doesn't follow rules. She is told not to text in school, she will do it anyway. She is told to get off the phone at a certain time, she doesn't do it. She is told to not use SnapChat, she uses it anyway. But DH still thinks that we need to upgrade her phone from what people affectionately call a "dumb phone" to a smartphone?

When I told DH that SD15 did not NEED expensive makeup, that the stuff at the grocery store should suffice...he took out a credit card and spent $200 in makeup for SD15 at Sephora! And of course, now that that foundation she got and stuff are running out, she thinks another trip to Sephora is in order to get her more. Why does she NEED $30 powder when I get my powder from the grocery store for $11 and it works just as well...if not better (I'm prone to breakouts, so I spend a little extra on Physician's Formula which doesn't break me out...SD15's $30 powder and $45 foundation causes her terrible breakouts...partially, because she never really washes her face). DH tells me, "Well, maybe you should teach her how to do her makeup, then." Really? Been there...tried that...she goes off and does her own thing anyway!

So yeah...his is crazy frivolous when it comes to money...which is why I control the budget. DH is the kind that looks at the balance in the bank as "this is how much money I have" instead of "okay, this is what is in the bank, but this and that still need to be paid, and I need groceries, so the balance minus that is what I really have".

Exactly! I don't want to be seen as "we" can afford to care for a baby, so not a big deal if SD15 ends up pregnant because DH gives her too much free time with the boyfriend! I will NOT stick around for that! I was reading an article the other day that there are plans for some pretty nice 500 sq ft apartments being built in the city that would be around $500/month. I could do that if I lived alone. I really don't need much space. I've also looked at a community across from my employer's campus...yeah, I work from home, but if for any reason I needed to go for a meeting or something, living a stone's throw isn't bad. It is a nice place...apartments above retail shops and restaurants...there is even a theater there. Want frozen yogurt at 8 p.m., just walk down and get some. They are a little more expensive, but what I would save in gas alone. A one-bedroom is about $1000, but that would still be less than the mortgage payment on this house if I stayed here.

No...see, he is thinking I need to do for SD15 the same as BD23 and BS19, trying to say, "Well, I always treated them the same!" So, he thinks I need to put SD15 on MY life insurance, because he put BD23 and BS19 on his, and that is why it was pointed out. I should spend money on SD15 the same as I do my biokids. His relationship with BD23 and BS19 is different...he adopted them, he is their legal father, his name is on their birth certificates (because with the adoption, their originals were sealed, and he was listed as their father a part of procedure), etc. Basically, by adopting them, he said, "I take responsibility for these children!" DH was NEVER denied say in anything having to do with BD23 and BS19...I backed him, and he backed me. Even so, I still took primary responsibility for the kids! They wanted to participate in school stuff, I made it a point to arrange my work schedule and such to facilitate their activities...yes, DH adopted them, but I still didn't feel right just assuming he would do something because of that fact...I took care of mine.

Now, with SD15, BM is still in the picture...there is nothing making me responsible for the girl. DH will tell SD15 she can do something, and then EXPECT me to arrange my time to pick her up from or take her to stuff...though he is the one that agreed to it without even asking me. Then, when I tell him I won't or can't, I get yelled at for...I'm being unreasonable! When SD15 gets in trouble, I have no say in how it is handled...DH just does his thing (which is usually just a talk and no punishment). SD15 leaves her crap all over the TV room, and he just makes excuses for her and picks it up for her...BS19 leave a bowl just one time because he looked at his watch and ran off to work, and DH throws a massive fit about it, calling BS19 lazy and a slob (but, as I said, it is okay for his princess to leave a half full glass of milk in the TV room for days until it stinks up the whole room, along with her dirty socks, her candy wrappers, cereal bowls, etc.). Anytime BD23 or BS19 had an attitude with DH, I would always step in and demand that they change their attitude (because teens will be teens...there will be days of some attitude). SD15 had attitude with me or disrespects me, DH just sits there , and if I happen to yell at SD15 about it, I'm then made out to be the bad guy because I "scared her". SD15 lies (and she does this a lot...and gets caught a lot)...he believes her every word. BS19 tells the truth, he gets accused of lying...though he had always been honest! When BS19 has his accident last year, DH yelled at him and accused him of lying about what happened to the point that BS19 was crying...an 18 year old tough football player crying because he was pushed to the limit and DH didn't believe him (DH was accusing him of speeding, and that is why the accident happened, when it was a case of brake failure...and DH KNEW the brakes on the truck needed to be looked at).

So you see where the problem is? I get accused all the time of not treating SD15 like my own, but I'm not allowed to truly treat her as my own...yet, DH has always been guilty of treating SD15 with more favor over BD23 and BS19, even though the adoptions should have put all three kids at the same level in his eyes, and he has always been allowed to truly treat BD23 and BS19 as his own...in every respect!

But because of the adoptions, they are NOT her STEPS...they are her halves! Adopted children have the same right to a parent's estate as naturally born children...that is the eye of the law. I shouldn't have to take away from my kids because BM decided she didn't want to do anything with her life, and SD15 will get nothing from her as a result. It is DH's and BM's responsibility to provide for SD15...it is mine and DH's responsibility to provide for my bios. If BM fell off the face of the planet, and I adopted SD15, it would be completely different...of course, at the same time, I would have everything backing me to stand up and demand that DH let me have a say in everything having to do with the child...but as a step, I don't have any of those rights.

It really isn't any different than if DH and I decided to adopt a baby right now...that child for all intents and purposes would still be considered SD15's half sibling...full sibling to BD23 and BS19...and would have right to both mine and DH's estate as we would also both be responsible for providing for that child.

Another way of looking at it...if BD23 and BS19 were still young children or young teens, and we divorced, DH would be required to pay child support for the both of them. he went into that understanding that (the judges around here even make it a point to tell the parent that in step-parent adoptions). If DH and I divorce right now, I am in no way responsible to pay anything toward SD15...he can go after BM for child support, but not me. But legally, if I wanted to be a real b***h about it, I could demand that he help pay for BS19's college. Does that make more sense?

Luckily, it seems that a higher level position opened at DH's job, and he is actually going for it because it will mean he doesn't have to drive all over town as much. Sounds like he will get it, but where his salary is now, I doubt the new position will even be close to my salary befor the promotion. However, seeing as he is already in the negative monthly after his share of bills and his expenses, maybe he will actually have a little money left to buy SD15 those extras when she demands them! The smart thing for him to do would be to have me pay extra on his cards to pay them down, but I doubt that will happen! He will say up front that is what I should do with his extra money, but then he will spend it and I won't be able to make the extra payment...SD15 will NEED leggings for guard (because she is supposed to wear them ONLY for guard, but she wears them as pants nearly every day of the week when told not to), she will NEED makeup from Sephora, she will NEED new boots...and DH will be like " I have more money...okay!"

I've decided I'm keeping my promotion to myself. I'll just pay down some bills until BS19 leaves for college. Once we hear back from financial aid, I'll have a better idea where MY budget stands.