Bathroom versus Tuition
I'm back. Another dilemma. SD18 is heading to college in the fall. As expected, DH and BM are already fighting over who pays. DH is prepared to split the cost with her and always has been. BM has not worked since 2000, other than a seasonal part time job starting a few years ago, and therefore not saved or planned. So DH now feels terribly guilty. Fortunately, my and DH's finances are completely separate with a postnup in place to protect me from BM and her lawyers, so they cannot come after me for money. DH and I both work full time, and contribute to the home equally. Half of DH's salary has always gone to alimony and child support - I knew and accepted that from the start - but he makes about double what I do, so he's still comfortable.
This is where the dilemma comes to play. Our kids bath on the second floor needs some repairs. The pipe behind the shower has leaked in the past, and we need to open up that wall, see what's happening because of the changes in water pressure. The vanity is broken (literally, we can't get into it), the lighting stinks, tiles are chipping and basically if we are doing the plumbing, its a great time to do the other fixes. There are still three kids using it (once SD goes to college, SS will get the bed/private bath, and then just the two LOs will share the rundown bath). DH will do as much of the work as he can, but all the plumbing and electrical will have to be hired out.
DH now says that we shouldn't fix the bathroom, because SD will see it and ask why we didn't give her the money instead for college tuition. If you've read my earlier posts, SD is spoiled; her mother is as well and they both believe they should get everything they want. I'm frustrated. DH and I have cut back on a lot of things because of DH's financial obligations, I put our LOs in daycare and after school programs, I clip coupons and freeze meals to save, I rarely spend on new clothes or non-necessities, and yet we still managed to do fun things with the kids and DH still figured out how to put money into the kids college accounts. And more importantly, despite all the nonsense I've been through with DH and SD (you can read my background), I've really been there for her. I don't see how the need to make a home repair/upkeep should be off the table in order to compensate for BM's lack of planning or SD's unwillingness to take out financial school loans. We have obligations beyond the tuition.
DH asked me to help draft a message to SD explaining that he can't pay more than have for the school she's selected. I think this is unecessary - we shouldn't have to answer to an 18yr old other than "we can give you 50%", but I'm trying to meet him half way. Can you please review, steptalk peeps?
"SD, I understand that you are not happy about potential loans for college. As your Dad, I have always supported you financially. And while I really don't want to get into finances, it seems that you still have some misconceptions about how I have supported you. Since we have been separated and eventually divorced, I have given enough money (more than half my salary) to your mom so that she didn't have to work and could always provide for you when you are with her. Conversely, I provide you with everything you need, and often, what you you want, when you are with me, to include a nice home, trips, camps, and meals out at our favorite restaurants. I worked very hard to support both households so that you and your brother could have good lives. I also saved for your college educations. I am sorry to hear that your mother has not saved at all and therefore cannot contribute the other 50%. It was her choice to not work as you and your brother got older, not mine. While I respect her choice, it is not my job to compensate for it. Your stepmom is not obligated to fund your college education either, nor is your stepfather - your Mom and I are the responsible parties. While your stepmom pays half the bills in our home, your mom's partner also pays his half in their home. I cannot speak to her financial choices and why she is unable to contribute to your college education. At this point, I cannot afford to cover 100% of your private college tuition. As an alternative, I am happy to have you go to community college for a year, in order to help you save up. I can also walk you through the loan process. In any event, you need to make a decision, given the finances at your disposal, before you make plans to leave for college in the fall."
Too defensive.
Too defensive.
Just let her know he can pay 50% of 4-year college or (X)% of community college. The rest is up to her and her mother.
Better
I was leaning more towards something like this originally. Just simple, factual. And there is no need for continued debate with either SD or BM.
You didn't even mention that
You didn't even mention that SD expects anything more? Just that DH feels guilty and thinks she will.
Too bad - he doesn't have to justify to her how he spends his money.
Clarification
To clarify - she does expect more and has vocalized it.
Agree!
I would have a limit though. I know she wants to go to Fancypants U at $50K a year but that's just not realistic. BM did her no favors when she took her to visit schools they could not afford. Unless of course she is a National Merit scholar or star athlete and gets a substantial scholarship.
"Your college fund has $20,000 in it (or whatever). You can spend $5000 a year for 4 years, or you can spend $2000 a year for 2 years at community college and transfer, leaving 8000 a year for the last 2 years.". Why explain further? Of course it looks like she is going to be one of those who run up a big private loan bill and expect it to be forgiven after she graduates and can't find a job.
My kid did option 2 and it worked out GREAT. Only took loans for the last 2 years, and no one cosigned anything.
You are supposed
You are supposed to let your house, your biggest investment, fall to disrepair so that SD can go to a private college fully paid for without having to take out student loans? That is insane. How about "I can give you X amount. How you choose to spend it is your choice, SD." And leave it at that. That may be one year at a fancy private college or 4 years at a state school with some supplementary student loans. Up to her. The entitlement of these kids floors me!
Yes...
Agreed. This is something we need to take care of sooner rather than later. Its not frivolous, its necessary for our home. I can cut back on some of the materials (it doesn't have to be high end), but I also told DH I didn't want to pick super cheap options - if we are making the investment, I want the materials to be durable and help with value of the home.
Holy crap I would be mad as
Holy crap I would be mad as hell at the suggestion you don't do needed repairs/upgrades to you home "because SD".
This kinda crap would have been my future had I not left formerSO.
I don't think a lengthy explaination giving all that detailed information is 1. Needed 2. Will do any good 3. Appropriate.
This is a health issue. You
This is a health issue. You have the perfect storm for the development of toxic mold with this bathroom situation. Your DH is nuts for even considering SD's tuition as a priority over the health and wellbeing of the residents of the home.
Fix the damned bathroom and if DH continues to stand on this tuition bullshit call Re-Bath and contract it all ... NOW!!!! Let him pay for it.
smh
How much are you talking
How much are you talking about in loans? Your DH and SD realize, don't they, that she will only be able to borrow $5500 as a freshman (it goes up to $6500 and $7500 in subsequent years) without a co-signer? Do not leave the door open to your DH co-signing loans, as that would be a bad idea.
Why is your DH doing this in a letter? Does your SD live far away? Isn't this something that would be better discussed in person and in detail, so he can talk to her and help her make rational decisions about which college to attend? Or would she make it too difficult of a conversation to be able to discuss it rationally? (When I say in detail, I mean details about financial realities, budgets, reasonable college choices, etc., not explanations of why he won't give more. I think he tells her what he is willing to pay and that's that.)
And of course your necessary home repairs should trump additional tuition dollars. Your DH is being ridiculous in not wanting to repair the bathroom because it might upset SD that all available household funds aren't going to HER.
I agree and cannot understand
Parents should be addressing this much earlier, at least in Junior year. Dad should have seen that mom would not pay, he should have been telling kid it was going to have to be community college or local state school.
He did...
He's been telling her how much he saved up for year. SD has known since her freshmen year of HS, as has BM, and when BM and SD started looking at private and out of state schools her junior year, DH reminded them both that it was more than would have by the end of her senior year. He told her repeatedly that she needed to look in state or places where she could get scholarships. He took her to visit in state schools, and some in a neighboring state that are equivalent in price to in state. She turned her nose up at them.
She is set on going to this one private school, several states away, where the drive is a full day and flights are about $400 round trip.
Then she can
Then she can pay for it. BM can co-sign a loan. Or she can sell plasma. Or she can get a scholarship. Or she can get the eff over it and go to a school she can afford.
Then he has done all he could
He needs to say, no. And not sign any loans, and not let her use all the money for the first year.
Nearby
She and SS live nearby. We picked the home to be near them and DH has joint custody.
When they were here last weekend, DH did explain all this. SD would not accept anything he said, and spoke pretty badly to DH.
I am going to get an estimate for the bathroom, and at least have the contractor tell me what we are dealing with. He's one of our friends, so he knows finances are tight and has in the past helped us get materials at cost, and let us know how critical certain things are. I can't imagine that this can wait. I'll ask him to get his plumber in this weekend.
DH needs to learn to stop worrying about everything SD says and her every want. I need to stop worrying about DH getting his knickers in a twist.
Wow. I didn't know that.
I didn't realize there were caps on the loans for freshman year. Yikes. $6500 will not cover her mother's half.
I really hope that DH is not dumb enough to co-sgn.
I suppose, if DH is strong enough to tell her "SD, I can give you 50% each year, and no more than that, you will need to figure out the rest with your mom", it will be on BM to co-sign.
You dh "shouldn't" co-sign
You dh "shouldn't" co-sign without discussing with you first as that DOES affect you.
Co-signing for.an entitled brat that thinks your dh should be paying for all of her college, wherever she wants to go does not sound like a good idea. Guess what happens if she doesn't pay the loans?
The federal loan limit is
The federal loan limit is $5500 freshman year, $6500 sophomore year and $7500 in each of junior and senior years. Without substantial income/assets, the guaranteed federal loans are pretty much all anyone will lend to a student, thus the need for a co-signer.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let your husband co-sign. It is up to parents to protect their kids from themselves. Teenagers generally don't have the maturity and life experience to understand the limits big loans place on their futures. He should not let his daughter saddle herself with big student debt if she has other options. Not to mention that if she doesn't/can't pay, he is obligated. It also shows as additional debt on his credit report, as he is just as liable for repayment as she is if he co-signs.
ETA: It's just as bad for the SD if BM co-signs. With just full federal loans, a kid will come out of college with $27,000 in debt. That's enough. While there are situations where more debt makes sense, this doesn't sound like one of them. Your DH should be convincing his kid to choose another school, NOT to find someone else to co-sign loans or take Parent PLUS loans for her.
Supplemental Studen Loans are
Supplemental Studen Loans are not limited like the federally subsidized loans are. Since SSLs are not subsidized like federal loans are .... they tend to be through banks and other private lenders and not through SALLY MAE.
At least that is my very dated experience and understanding.
They will want a parent or other guranatee
You really ned to think about it
That depends on the age of
That depends on the age of the borrower. Once the student tis at the SOTA classification age, a cosigner is not necessarily required for SSLs.
Are you certain
Grad student loans are available with parent guarantee, but even if you are right, what age is required? 23?
I do not know at what the age
I do not know at what the age requirement is for un-cosigned SSLs.
When I did it, a million years ago, I was 26-29. I applied for SSLs as I was ineligible for grants and FSLs because they required that I provide my parent's tax returns. Nope, I had been independent for 5+ years by that time and would not even ask my parents for their tax returns. When I told my parents about that meeting at the Financial Aid Office... my dad laughed his butt off.
I ended up doubling my SSLs to cover my brother's costs as he was not old enough to get un-cosigned loans. He paid me back shortly after we started work after graduation. His share was $5K as was mine.
The whole financial aid office/FASFA run around was irritating beyond measure. I went in as a 26+ year old independent adult and they required my parents financial information to apply for grants and FSLs. The young lady right next to me didn't know who her father was, was raised by her welfare supported GM, her mother was welfare supported and she had to fill out a single page form. No requirement of proof of income from either her GM or her mother. All she had to provide was her BMs and BMs SS#s.
I know both of my parents, was raised by both of my parents, had been an independent adult for years and I had to fill out a 1-2 inch tall stack of crap. When I went back to collect my comparably high interest SSL checks the same young lady walked up to collect her finanicial aid. $thousands in grants and more $thousands in FSL checks all form a single page form.
Yes, loans are available, but
Yes, loans are available, but almost always require a co-signer. Starving students don't qualify on their own, and the government isn't guaranteeing those loans, so someone with financial wherewithal needs to step up and sign.
Far too many people have been
Far too many people have been burned co-signing loans. I do not recommend it. Better to put the kid in a CC on the pay as you go model, have them work and trasfer to a four year school to complete their Bachelors on the 5+ year plan than cosign.
IMHO of course.
Nope, I would not explain all
Nope, I would not explain all of that. He certainly should not tell her that he respects BM's choice to NOT work all of this time.
I cannot afford to cover 100% of your private college tuition. As an alternative, I am happy to have you go to community college for a year, in order to help you save up.
^^^ That is all that is necessary. SHE is the child, HE is the parent, he doesn't owe her an explanation, nor does he have to defend or justify his position.
Not only does he not owe her an explanation, it just opens the door for her to argue HER position (and defend BM).
well said
I think I'll relay this to DH.
Overkill
How is kid supposed to save up while at community college? Any appreciable amount? I am fine with kid going to CC, but I think dad needs to be reasonable. Maybe living at home, but saving? I would rather my kid take tougher program and get good grades
I don't think realistically
I don't think realistically that a kid is going to save much from a part time job while going to community college. However, if she can do 2 years at a community college for a fraction of the cost of a private, the overall cost of 4 years of college will be much less, and Dad's savings will cover a higher percentage. The "saving up" will be saving Dad's money for subsequent years. Also, if Dad can pay full freight at the community college, she can still borrow and bank her government guaranteed student loan for those two years in order to have that money available to finish at a 4 year school.
Most families can't afford a 4 year sleep-away school. It sounds like the BM here did not do a good job of managing the SD's expectations.
Of my 11 year undergrad
Of my 11 year undergrad career I did pay as you go for the middle 6 years at a combination of Community College and two semi-local universities while working full time. The last three years I moved states to go to school full time, I worked part time, lived off of the proceeds of the sale of my company, and graduated with $5K in loans. Not bad for being an active student every semester for 11 years. Since I attended 8 schools, changed majors 7 times, and lost credit during each transfer I cannot say that my path was affordable by any means. I graduated with more than 200 semester hours of undergrad credit.
I am not interested in providing " the college experience" for kids. I am interested in driving them to complete their degree. After that they can finish growing up on their own time and own dime. After they graduate if they want the "college experience" they can provide it for themselves.
To me college has a single goal. Complete an economically viable degree. Not all degrees are created equal when it comes to marketability, employability of graduates, or long term viability of knowledge.
I know, my perspective is a buzz kill from the excitement for school perspective, but, after my undergrad adventure I have changed my model as a parent. In my modelkid gets a year at their school of choice studying what they want. If they perform, they retaint my support. If not, then the kid goes where I say, studies what I say, and after that they can chase their dreams.
Some kids can self motivate, focus, and make viable decisions regarding their education. My nephew is one of those mutant spawn. 4 years and done with a BSCS with honors, mostly on scholarship, at a premier private university. His dad, and his uncle, had a far different path. His sister, was more on the dad/uncle path. She was on the 5+ year party plan that required her to transfer to a smaller private school. Ultimately she did great. But only because her dad was not willing to allow her to do what he and I did. There were many battles between my brother and his wife who wanted to continue coddling their daughter. Ultimately, he won. My niece won, she graduated with a BBA in Mgt with honors, went to work immediately with a pre IPO start up and is starting her MAccy in the fall. Her aunt, my wife, is mentoring her in the pursuit of becomming a CPA.
My kid.... he is on his own path. Doing well but more in line with my 11 year plan. His mom and I are grateful that the USAF and by extension the US tax payer are paying for his college, paying him a decent salary, developing him professionally, and providing professional oversite of his daily work. Thanks USAF!!!!
I am a true believer in the CC/JC then transfer model. This has a number of advantages. The entry requirements for transfer students tend to be less competitive than for Freshmen applicants at major universities, it is far less expensive than most universities, residential costs are mitigated by living at home (I know, for some parents/SParents this is torture), and class availability is far greater than is often the case at large universities particularly in multi campus CC systems.
For parents this also allows them to test drive their child's success, or lack of success, at the CC and determine if continuing to support a less than successful college effort is a justified investment.
Over all, it makes sense to me.
My son did it. He went to CC
My son did it. He went to CC for 2 years, that I helped with. Enough was saved for 2 years tuition AND a month long learning trip to China.
He goes to college full time and works Fri-Sun 12 shifts at a hospital, which is full time. He also has his own (very good) health/dental/vision/life insurance through work and contributes to a 401k. He pays for his phone, car insurance, gas, etc.
Do I help him with money sometimes? Yes. But not often.
It CAN be done.
Was gonna say...
Was gonna say...it’s not only totally possible to save up while at community college (average expense is around 3-5K a semester and the Pell grant covers most of that) but it would be a shame if you were somehow unable to do so...
I went to a private college on scholarships and was left with 10K-12K per year to pay on my own. I graduated with only 3K in student loans. Worked nearly full-time while in school and full-time in the summer. Had lots of friends, joined a sorority, played soccer for the school...and got a 3.8 GPA while taking a full load every semester (18+ credit hours...lowest semester was 16 hours and really felt like I was slacking.)
So, yeah. It can definitely be done if kids aren't just thinking of college as a way to party and hook up. I didn't have a boyfriend (did go on some dates...and briefly "dated" certain people...but no ongoing boyfriend) so that freed up some time I imagine.
I remember I felt busy at the time...but looking back I really had plenty of time and energy. I was really so much less busy and more free than I am as an adult...really it's easy when you think about it. College is one of the only times in your adult life when you can focus so intently on bettering yourself and paying for training and education without any other bills or distractions on your plate. You're not responsible for anyone but you. Why would you waste that opportunity...or expect someone else to pay for it 100% while neglecting their own needs. I don't get that mindset.
Of course...my own college-aged skids sleep until noon and whine about how busy and tired they are all the time and expect all kinds of help. It's weird.
Oh man, your DH's fear of SD
Oh man, your DH's fear of SD's wrath is really not a good look on a man. Not wanting to update a bathroom that is falling apart out of fear of how it may look to SD? *nea* Many parents pay NOTHING for college, so she should be thankful she's getting 50%! The only thing DH should be getting from her is thanks, and if she throws an attitude this would be a great time for a talk about entitlement, then send her to BM's to ask why BM isn't paying the other half.
SS12 recently said to my SO and I "Well you guys are paying for college", and we laughed and laughed and taught him the words "student loans" and "part-time job". He looked like we had taken away his birthday, but we (and by we, I mean my SO, because I am certainly not paying for skids college) are not in a place to pay for his college, plus every one of our family and friends paid for their own college. He will be just fine.
Maybe there’s a compromise here
You’ll pay her tuition if she becomes a licensed plumber and fixes any and and all plumbing work here on out for free. *lol*
After the last bill I had for some work done, it might be worth it!
Write her an explanation?
Write her an explanation? What in the hell? Is this a dad and his daughter or is it an employee making excuses for not finishing a deadline on time? He's her parent. Parents aren't obligated to pay for college OR explain their financial choices to their kids.
Has SD already been accepted
Has SD already been accepted to this private college? Is she likely to be? Not everyone is accepted to their first choice college.
If DH has the majority of custody, he is responsible for filling out the financial aid forms. Has he? I believe filling out the form is required to get a federal loan. And this is the kicker, the form will ask for your income as you are married.
If she is a really good student, and likely to get accepted, I'd let her apply. If the school really wants her, and offers a full ride, no problem. But, in the likely event that it's all loans offered, DH has to be strong and refuse to cosign. He has to sit down with her and the acceptance offer to the pricey school and the acceptance to the state school (that she needs to apply to also) and let the reality of the available funding hit her.
DH needs to face reality. He has more than one child. Letting two LO's use a nonfunctional bathroom is not being a good dad to them. It's also not good for his finances. In addition to the mold previous posters mentioned, a leak like you describe can weaken the flooring. Replacing the bathroom flooring, and possibly the ceiling below, will not be cheap. It needs to be fixed now.
SD needs to face reality. You don't always get what you want. You can't have what you can't afford. There is X amount of dollars available for her college education. Dad is not going to cosign loans. She needs to apply for every scholarship and grant she can. She will need to work for her spending money. She needs to pick an affordable college.
OP you wrote;
DH and I both work full time, and contribute to the home equally. Half of DH's salary has always gone to alimony and child support - I knew and accepted that from the start -
----------------------------------------------
Honey where does YOUR 1/2 of your pay go? IF dh's 1/2 goes to cs and alimony only 1/2 of his pay goes ot the house. You should only give 1/2 of your pay to the house too.
A longgg time ago and I mean a very long time ago I would have seen things your way. But now...haaaa, not even close.
quick story share that stuck with me for 10 years...
Several years ago a friend of mine was in a similar boat. Husband paid a hefty amount of cs to his ex. His wife (SM) worked her ass off to make UP what money was going out to pay BM. AND to pay 1/2 of mortgage, bills,food, gas, ect. . But by gosh when the kids would arrive for visitation the money poured out of dh's wallet like there was no tomorrow. Trips to the movies, dinner after the movies, arcades, mall trips, movie rentals, junk for FOR the movies. Easy 300weekend by Sunday night. The red carpet treatment. Partly because BM said "YOU DONT DO anything with the child-rennnn"
My friend could barely pay all the household bills much less have a few hours to get a pedi or cup of coffee at Starbucks. SM wanted to go on a vacation. DH said NO they couldn't afford it. the household bills came fire YIKES...
I'll be darn...if she didnt quit her job. She said to me..."To hell with working my ass off to subsidize money to BM and red carpet treatment when I just work and pay bills. She refused to work until cs ended"
They are sitll married and dh still pays cs. My bff is not working.
Take care of yourself first OP............although I know you agreed to pay 1/2 of everything knowing dh had cs and alimony. Maybe when you turn 50 or so, you will see things from a very different point of view.
STASH your money and make dh pay 3/4 of bills honey. Since he is doing 'fine"....
1/2
So DH and I each pay half (equal amounts) towards our home and bills. I do not contribute anything financial towards my skids, unless I choose to (like at holidays). However, initially, DH expected me to cover 1/2 the grocery and food bill. But then I looked at what we were spending when the skids were with us versus not with us - and there was a huge difference. Not only did he take the kids out more (and charge it to our joint account, which was only supposed to be for household bills), but the grocery bill was more than double. I understand that teens eat way more, but I told DH that he needed to cover that expense for his rapidly growing teens. So that got changed quickly and now when we have the skids, DH pays for any meals out with them, and he covers the groceries for that weekend. I do most of the cooking (and am a pretty good cook who enjoys time in the kitchen), so I think that arrangement works out for us.
I hadn't even thought of asking for him to pay 3/4. I think he would expect a justification and I'm not sure what that would be....
Um...the justification would
Um...the justification would be: “You have 4 kids and I have 2. You need to be covering more.”
IMHO it’s wrong for him to be sending half his paycheck to BM...AND saving money for skid college...but expecting you to subsidize the expenses for your household.
When does CS end for Princess?
CS
I believe it ends once she officially graduates HS. Same with SS.
About sd tuition....
About sd tuition....
NOPE bathroom comes first. And your dh should read financial journals about co-signing student loans for kids OR paying for college. HUGE NO NO
If he MUST, offer to pay up to 1K for books and labs a year. Directly to school.
https://clark.com/personal-finance-credit/co-signing-a-loan/
What is dh gonna do IF sd pitches a fit and ditches dad 5 years down the road and fails to pay HER student loan?
You have joint children with
You have joint children with Dh right? How dare he sacrifice the health and well being of your home for an aged out college student. I also have bios and a joint child with my DH. Its nice that yours thought ahead and put some money away for SD but that should be enough. He or you should NEVER co-sign or take out loans for anyone's college education. Students have and do take out loans. They also can qualify for grants and scholarships if they are motivated to pursue them. Between DH and I we brought 7 kids to the table and none of them got any help for college from us. Now we have our almost 10 BD to parent and raise and there is no way I will let her go without in the name of a college education for someone else. She had to wait for somethings as there is only so much to go around.
Is your DH putting away for retirement? Taking care of the joint children you have together? Those are the things that should be his main priority after his other kids reach 18.
I've read too many stories on here over the past decade where dads moved on, had more kids and yet spent the money and energy on grown skids, leaving the younger kids lacking. OP, you need to make this your hilll to die on. You can't get blood from a turnip they say and that means there is only so much money to go around and if dad wants to chase the skids, he needs to get a better paying job or side hustle so that he can fund that folly and keep your standard of living up to par. If he pays more that he planned on, when does it stop? When does he cut off the skids???? When do you get to have him focused on your family??? Its a real hurdle with second sets of kids with a new wife. It needs to be discussed and agreed on. Any hidden actions by DH will eventually come to light and ruin your marriage. You both need to be on the same page. (this goes without saying but my focus is life AFTER CS is over).
yes...
we do have joint children together.
And yes, it has been a hurdle. When the skids are around, DH has the tendency to just focus on them, especially SD, with whom he makes plans and fails to tell the rest of us. It's improving slowly, but it's been painful, and like I've said in past posts... I am not hopeful that it will improve enough to make this last long term.
Nothing wrong with helping
Nothing wrong with helping out kids. We all do it every now and then BUTTTTTTTTTT
FIX THE BATHROOM and stash 1/2 of YOUR paycheck!!
It's about what's reasonable..
My parents helped me, and I am all for helping the kids out, to the extent that we can. In this case, 1/2 her tuition is pretty darn good. A lot of kids would be over the moon to get that. But this isn't a reasonable kid. This is an entitled kid - its her nature and it's the way she was raised.
From the outset of this, the
From the outset of this, the part I don't get at all is why the SD isn't expected to pay for/contribute herself to go to college and why it's left up to any parent whatsoever.
BM and BD should pay equally anything extra that needs to be covered. BM's decision not to work all these years. Shouldn't be BD's responsibility. But SD18 (adult!) should be working now and saving up funds, have lined up evening, weekend and holiday work already to earn, have completed her loan forms. Parental funds should be emergency only.
UPDATE
DH and I had a long, long talk until the late hours. I'm beat today. I brought up basic facts to him.
1. What we do for one kid we have to do for all four kids. He agreed that we need to be fair, and while we have time for the younger two, SS is only a couple years behind SD, and therefore we need to keep saving for him too.
2. Co-signing a loan creates too much risk, and since he and I have joint property, it puts me at risk. He countered that the postnup would protect me - I want a lawyer to check on that. He agreed that whatever the lawyer suggests, he will follow that advice.
3. The mold and foundation risk is real (thank you to all on steptalk who warned me of that), and he agreed that the house necessities cannot be neglected in favor of tuition. So he is going to move forward with fixing the bathroom with me.
4. That I understand his desire to help his daughter, but that given the ample warning he gave her about what he could provide, why he was now considering caving and giving more? That he doesn't put up with our toddler's temper tantrums, so why do the same with his 18 year old. DH didn't have a great response for this other than "I'm afraid of losing her". I told him that it was sad that he thinks he can only keep his daughters love with money. And I left it at that.
5. If he dwindles down his savings, how is he doing for retirement and emergencies? He looked at me as if I were there to help, and I told him absolutely not unless it were a true emergency. Meaning, if he saves and doesn't over spend and doesn't fail to plan, but some sort of emergency comes up, then yes, of course I would help. But if I see him not planning and compensating for his kids poor choices, then no, that's on him.
It was a tough conversation, but I am glad that we resolved and that I was explicitly clear on my position. Plumber and contractor are coming this weekend. We'll have an estimate and hopefully get started in another week.
So, he saw you as his safety
So, he saw you as his safety net if he were to get in over his head, financially. Yeah...NO.
Ugh. He's gonna sign a loan.
Ugh. He's gonna sign a loan. Smdh
Also...
"1. What we do for one kid we have to do for all four kids. He agreed that we need to be fair, and while we have time for the younger two, SS is only a couple years behind SD, and therefore we need to keep saving for him too."
I don't know that I agree with this.... "WE" - YOU should not need to contribute to HIS kid's college fund! However, HE needs to contribute the same amount to ALL of his kids - the ones you share with him included. That your kids will "get more" than his kids is not your/your kids problem. You should not be expected to make up for what their mother should have, but did not contribute/save. And your shared kids should not get less than skids because they have a different mother.
agreed
Agreed... DH has four kids, he needs to pay for them equally (or fairly depending on how you look at it). I have two, BM has two, we should contribute what we can for our respective biokids.
Bathroom first
if a pipe breaks they will be more to fix then the bathroom. Just tell SD you have $x amount of money, per year for her college. That it, anything else over that amount is hers and BM job to cover. You have other kids to worried about and there college, is your SO saving money for college for them ? Kids grow fast,
if he signs for the loan and SD will not pay. What going to happen when younger kids need loans ??
Same Boat
I am in the same boat, sort of. We don't have neccessary home repairs but SD17 wants to go to a community college in a state college town. She wants an apartment as there are no dorms at the CC branch. BM has not worked in over 10 years. Her husband pays the measly child support she was ordered to pay. About a month ago she started in on DH wanting him to agree to pay the first two years of SD college and them pay the last two. DH said no, he will agree to what is already in place in the original divorce decree which is half and half. SD has a trust account from an accident. Now, BM is trying to get her hands on that to use to pay for the collge for SD. SD is apparently okay with that. Of course all she wants is an apartment in th same college town as her BF. The kid has not even applied to school and BM is going around telling everyone she has a scholarship. Its INSANE as she has not applied to school or for a scholarship. I have told DH she can get student loans for all I care and if BM wants to drane the small amount of trust money so she doesnt have to pay, thats okay too.
Lol.
Lol.
This reminds me of the time BM asked us to pay for OSDs books for fall semester and she said she’d pay for spring.
Well. My DH is very forgetful so spring came around and she asked him if he’d “half” spring books with her.
DH: “Oh yeah. BM is asking if we can pay half for OSDs spring books. Is that OK?”
Me: “Well...I’d be fine with that except we already paid ‘our half’ for the year 4 month ago, remember?”
DH: “We did? We didn’t split the cost?”
So I searched for the email and forwarded it to DH. Yes indeed...we paid the full amount which was actually $100 more than books for the spring.
I’m sure BM hates that I’m in the picture and she can no longer use DH’s terrible memory to get more $$$ out of him.
If SD wants to be near BF, that on her dime
Fine a CC close enough that she doesn’t need to pay for housing, and food. Make sure BM pays her 1/2 of everything. Including books, and other expenses. There always other expenses. Do not let her slip and slide you know she is not going to pay for the last two years.
Update
DH and SD had a huge blowup again last night. Same tune from SD. DH is now threatening to not give her any money her first year if she keeps yelling at him and talking to him badly. I only heard part of the argument (I took the LOs outside to get them away from it). Some of the highlights...
SD: That's MYYYY Money. You're stealing it from MEEEE.
DH: Um, not really. I earned it, saved it. If you keep this up, I can easily transfer it to any of your siblings as the custodian of the account. I'm not taking this anymore from you."
SD: So let me get this straight, you can afford to have more kids, but you can't send me to college? You can afford to renovate the kitchen, but you are going to let me take out loans?"
DH: Actually, I did take a loan out to renovate the kitchen, which had to be fixed up SO THAT WE COULD EAT! The stove didn't work. There was no refrigerator. Do you not remember this?"
[We bought a fixer upper at a lower price, but have had to put in time, labor and money to get it done... the bathroom is one of the few things that we were able to put off... until now.]
SD: "You could have bought a smaller house and not had more kids."
DH: "If you talk about the burden of your siblings being an issue, you will get nothing for college from me. Those are your siblings. They love you. Do NOT speak like that about them."
SD: "This conversation is over."
DH: "Oh hell no. It's not over. Sit your butt down. We're not going any where."
I headed out at this point, but from what DH told me later, he came down hard on her, she was crying and playing the poor me card. He told her plain and simple what she was getting from him, end of story, and that she better start showing some gratitude because she's on very thin ice.
I have to say, it was nice to see him stand up for himself, and our family. I am glad I left with LOs during their argument, because if I had stayed, I would have had a hard time not saying anything. DH does need to work this out with her, as her Dad.
She was looking rough this morning. Puffy eyes, keeping quiet. I gave her a hug on my way out and told her to have a good day at school. She kind of clung on for a while, but didn't say anything. I am so hopeful this could be a turning point for her, but I know that she has a tendency to fall back on her old ways, as does DH - this is not my first rodeo with these two. I'm not thrilled about what she said about her siblings. At the same time, I know a lot of this is coming from her Mom, repeatedly over the years, and her entitled attitude is a result of both her parents.
DH and I were able to have a nice night after the LOs went to bed. I think he wanted to talk about what happened with SD. I told him that I heard him, that I thought he handled it well, and to keep it up, but that I wanted to focus on valentine's day. So we did. And it was one of the nicer nights we have had in a while. Again, I know the realities of my relationship with him... but this felt... like a break from the stress.
I feel guilty saying this... but I'm looking forward to her being away for college. DH is enough stress on his own for me to handle. SD complicates things exponentially. I would never say this to anyone in my real life, except maybe my parents.
The Weekend
Oh. My. Gawd.
What a long weekend. The LOs and I fortunately escaped the wrath of SD. My mother, aunt and I took LOs out for different activities one of the days for the whole day. The other days I made quick plans after breakfast to get out of the house for a few hours each day. SD was on a war path. SD and DH went from extreme highs to lows - yelling at each other, crying, and then hugging and making up snuggled on the couch or in her room. Each time I came home, it was one or the other.
I won't go into the insanity of it all because 1. I've been through this before with them and 2. Folks on this site have already given excellent insight and advice. Poor SS was left alone or off with friends. He came to lunch with me and LOs one of the days. I feel bad for him. His sister constantly monopolizes DH.
This morning DH commented that perhaps it will get better once she is off at college and has a chance to grow up. I kept my mouth shut, and silently thought, nope, it will get better once she's not in this house. He's enough to deal with. His 3 days round the clock emotional drama with SD is more than I can handle - all I can say is thank goodness she is going out of state for college. Because it was fun doing stuff with LOs, but I want my house back.
When she told him he should
When she told him he should not have had more kids - he could have told her that maybe she’s the one he shouldn’t have had based on her horrible personality and entitlement.
Point I don’t get
If BM has not worked since 2000. That 19 years. Where is she going to get the money to pay her half? She has $80,000. Getting a job as a Walmart ? Are you going to be paying for all plus books ? How is DH going to pay for other kids college ? Good intentions does not equal money ? Bedtime he gets done with DD. It wii be SS time and then Bio time. I have seen the first kid get and there nothing for the others
Alimony....
She's received half DH's salary since they separated in addition to child support. Like him, she could have been more careful and saved, just as DH did. That's on her. She can also take out loans. Or, SD can take out loans or pick a cheaper school, because the reality is that her mother does not have the money. BM could work consistently now - and she has the option to work more once SD is away at college. SS will be driving soon and his maternal grandparents have a car waiting for him. He can get himself to and from school/sports. SD already does the transportation for herself and SS. There is truly no reason that BM didn't work all these years. She didn't want to and now there are consequences.
If there is justice in the
If there is justice in the world... painful consequences.
Well
Just sat through several phone calls where SD (60) is aggressively pushing DH for as much $ as possible to put her two kids through college so she can hold onto to her nest egg. DH wants to retire soon but that did not faze SD. My DH has a totally different attitude with regards to SD...he regrets all the $ given over the years (well into her 50’s). He now sees what he helped create. Hopefully your DH will stand firm.