are kids just not held accountable anymore???
hello,
i am sooo grateful to have found this site. i'm in my 30s. have no kids of my own cuz i made the choice a long time ago to not have any....now i'm married. i'm the primary breadwinner and work about 50 hours a week. my DH has 2 little monsters boy age 14 and a girl age 16. the girl now lives with us bec. she can't seem to get along with her mom. my DH hasn't filed for his support to get lowered. the mom is effen lazy and useless and doesn't use the child support on her kids at all. so now we're REALLY struggling with another mouth to feed and extra gas mileage cuz mom decided she isn't going to do drop off or pick up anymore. i am so stressed out most days cuz these kids are lazy, disrespectful, NEVER say sorry when they've done something really ignorant. they never get grounded. my DH caters to them cuz he doesn't want to make them feel bad. my blood pressure is thru the roof right now cuz i hate my SD. she had to have a dog for her 16th bday, and i sed we couldn't afford it. but guess who has an effen dog right now? well, because she wasn't watching this thing when she was over @ grandma's house, it got into rat poisoning. so she called me on the phone and was like, what shud i do? so i hurried up got on the phone to the vet, got it to puke (of course it chose to puke in my new car too), then we rushed to the vet's office. while we were there, i handed my SD some paper towels and asked her to clean up the puke from my car....well, didn't she just start cocking off to me and looking at me like i had 3 heads for asking her to clean up HER mess. well, she went out and cleaned it up all half ass. then just kept cocking off to me and being a little bitch. her stupid dog cost me $122. and as a result, the little day trip me, DH, SS and SD were going to take next month ain't happening. did my DH say anything to her or scold her for not watching the damn dog or make her work off the money? helllll nooooo. so now his daughter thinks i'm mean and is giving me the silent treatment. i'm just shaking and annoyed. i shouldn't have to live like this. my DH has talked to her and told her she can't treat me like that. at least he sticks up for me, but i just hate her and want her to move out.
No they are not! I hate it
No they are not! I hate it too! I don't know what happened in these last years but it is like someone just turned a light switch off. Boy I feel for you are you newly married? That is about the worst age for Skids!
yes, we just got married 2
yes, we just got married 2 years ago. the kids didn't bother me as much then, but i felt bad when he wasn't getting to see his kids as much. so i gave him $2500 to get a retainer for an attorney so he could get his custody changed. things were going good getting to see them more, but then my SD started getting mouthier and mouthier and seemed to develop this whole sense of entitlement and thought she just knew everything and that everybody should cater to her. so it's just been a very stressful downward spiral.
Not much I can say but you
Not much I can say but you didn't ask for this even though you helped him get the retainer. You just wanted your DH happy. Don't let him forget you did this for him not to be mouthed off by your Skids! Take some time for yourself, sounds like they are really getting to you! At least when my SD came along she was still in the cute stage you were put right into the ugly years.! If I had just gotten with my DH at this moment in my SD's (now 15)I wouldn't have lasted a month!
OK, LOTS of issues
OK, LOTS of issues here....
1. Dh needs to get CS modified IMMEDIATELY. This is because YOU are not responsible for picking up HIS slack financially. They are not YOUR kids to take care of and you will just get resentful, if you aren't already.
[Is there any kind of custody or court order right now?]
2. BM has to provide at least HALF the transport. If she has one kid and you guys have one, how is it fair otherwise? Your DH will have to play hardball and either not see his son for a while until BM gets it OR maybe threaten her....with custody fight...CS fight...whatever he thinks will work.
3. You and your DH need to get together and set up Family Rules and Consequences for breaking those rules. You need to BOTH BE ON BOARD with the rules set. THEN you need to have a family meeting and provide these rules to SD. She will not like it and want to move back with BM (if BM has less rules). You may need some information to make daddykins see how much better kids react WITH boundaries and rules instead of with NO boundaries or rules.
I would strongly suggest a marriage or family counselor with experience in blended families to assist with these issues. Your DH doesn't seem to "have your back" on this...
@skylarksms oh, yes, i am
@skylarksms
oh, yes, i am quite resentful right now. this is scary shit how deeply, emotionally drained i am. there is a custody order in place, but BM's contempt is so slight that a judge isn't gonna throw her in jail. it's just gonna cost everybody more money than it's worth.
i try to set up rules and DH gets lazy and ends up doing his kids' chores for them.
i maybe need to figure out how to disengage??? i keep hearing that term.
Sounds like your DH needs a
Sounds like your DH needs a parenting class. Which of COURSE he isn't going to go to.
I would definitely separate finances and disengage from the skid(s).
Maybe you would need to add a rule that if a PARENT picks up for the CHILD'S slack, the PARENT gets a DOUBLE punishment.
You are the Lady of the Manor. Take back your power. What's he going to do, get mad? He'll get over it.
Yes, disengage. You are being
Yes, disengage. You are being taken advantage of. Let him do their chores, at least it's not you. He can handle all problems or needs of skids. Some people will think I am horrible, but I would have told SD to call her dad when it came to the dog emergency. I have had to just let pets die that skids didn't care for. Now when they ask for a pet, I say nope I'm not taking care of it and you guys let them die.
^^^^^^TOTALLY
^^^^^^TOTALLY AGREE^^^^^^^^^^^
I can totally relate!! I'm in my 30s have 2 skids, SD16 and SS14. These issues are with husband not following through!!!! Family rules are a must and husband must support YOU.
Skids will be skids and these ages are DIFFICULT PERIOD. You need to take of YOU in the midst of all of this. I totally get the exhaustion and emotionally drained experience.
Couples therapy is making a difference for me and my hubby and also, individual therapy. Take some days for you and your girl friends, get yourself supported, in therapy if possible.
To change the CS you can
To change the CS you can contact the CS office and get a modification done. But, you should not be paying for everything. That is leading up to your resentment...
ha ha @skylarksms DH shud get
ha ha @skylarksms
DH shud get extra punishment when he picks up the slack.
@Jsmom
i am going to push for him to get a modification. this is ridiculous.
I would just tell DH I am not
I would just tell DH I am not giving him money for CS anymore so he needs to figure out how he is going to cover it. Not your problem.
well, its gonna get worst
well, its gonna get worst before it gets better, they are moving into those aggravating teenage years. Its no surprise the daughters already living with you. I work at a girls group home and raised 5 boys..when it comes to teenage years, females are the worst. I believe its all the hormones courseing through their bodies...lol..whiney bratty, mouthy .."shiver'..make sure they have rules and your hubby backs you up.
I'm also trying to disconnect
I'm also trying to disconnect a bit from stepkids, but fortunately my situation is not as bad as yours. Reading stuff like the below has helped me - at least in my head and i plan to not being so available. The parents need to figure this out. I'm sorry you are in the middle of it, especially after you decided not to have kids - you haven't adopted his kids, you get zero benefits and all the headaches. Your responsibilities are to your husband, not to his kids. You need to say this over and over again...at least it helped me a lot ALONG with the people on this board giving me outside advice - not kidding, it might have just saved our relationship...if we make it past the point that i'm not parenting his kids anymore!
http://www.stepdivas.com/articles/list_dh.html
(i hope i can post links on this site)
Author Unknown
1. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of Prince charming coming along a sweeping me off my feet to live happily every after. What I didn’t know is that MY Prince charming would have baggage… an ex-wife, a little prince and/or a little princess. This will take some getting used to on my part, so please give me time to adjust my expectations.
2. Before we marry, let’s sit down and figure out what role I will play with your children. How much leeway I should take with discipline, nurturing, etc. Then let’s stick to it, or if it needs to be adjusted, let’s talk again. Changes in expectations should be agreed upon by both of us in advance.
3. I know you will have to deal with your ex on issues that come up with the kids, but please do not make me feel like it is none of my business what you and she talk about. You are now my husband, and if there are secrets to be shared they should be with me, not her.
4. If your ex’s washing machine goes out, or her car breaks down, please do not agree to look at it when you pick up the kids. This is no longer your responsibility, and the child support you pay should help cover the cost of a repairman.
5. Make sure your ex knows that it is not appropriate to call our home at all hours of the day or night to cry on your shoulder. That’s what all night talk radio is for.
6. While I love you dearly, please do not expect me to be an instant mother to your children. Do not try to push me on them or them on me. You have a history with them that I do not have, and a biological tie to them that I will never have. I will eventually build a history with them, but whether or not we develop any measure of love will have to wait to be seen. If it weren’t for you, these kids and I would never be expected to have any type of relationship. You are the one thing we have in common, so give us time to adjust.
7. When they are in our home, please do not expect me to accept poor behavior, bad manners, or disrespect directed towards me or you. While I am not their mother, I am an adult and your chosen mate, and as such I expect to be treated better than a house servant.
8. If your children make a mess, please make sure it is cleaned up. The fact that I am a woman does not mean that I am a maid. Just because you only see your children on weekends does not mean that you have no responsibility to correct their behavior. Letting them run wild will only cause problems for us in the near term, and them in the long run.
9. When we take the kids on vacation, please pay me a little attention. I know it is important for you to reconnect with your kids, but I will get pretty tired of playing second fiddle to a/several kid(s) who only want me to disappear so they can have Daddy to themselves. If you need time alone with them, say so up front and I will treat myself to a few days alone to refresh myself while you all have a bondfest.
10. When your ex calls in desperate need of $$, please discuss it with me before agreeing to send it tomorrow. If you are up to date on you child support, and it is not an emergency involving a child, she should not be using you as a bank/loan company. I know you are really doing it for the kids (my dh’s old excuse), but she knows this too and is taking advantage of you. You are too close to see it, and don’t want her to blame you when she can’t take the kids to the concert… out to eat… Disney World… etc.
11. Please talk to me before you agree to change the visitation schedule. I may have plans for us, or I may just have PMS, but I need advance warning to get ready. Remember, for me, when they come over, it is like having company. I need time to prepare.
12. While I feel that the kids are your responsibility with me in a supporting role, I cannot offer you support if you do not talk to me about your concerns. If you think I am being too hard on your kids for some reason or another, let me know, with specific examples so that I can explain my position. Taking an “it’s me and my kids against you” stance will only cause us problems. If we can’t talk it out, we can’t resolve it.
13. Most of our disagreements will be because of differences in our upbringings and our expectations for our marriage. Talking these out is the best way to come to a compromise that will work for our new family.
14. Please know that I want a happy family as much as you do and that I will do my best to support you and your children as long as there is respect and support for me as well.
My husband and I are in a good place at this point in our marriage. Most of the things above were issues at some point in our lives, but we stumbled through them and have grown because of these things. The most important lesson that both dh and I learned on our journey (and ladies I've written this time and time again here) is that our marriage is the most important thing. The children, both his and ours, are a very important part of our family, but they are not a part of our marriage. When we take care of our needs as a couple, the other problems are easier to handle because we are coming from the same place when we try to work them out. I just thought that a few examples of been-there-done-that might give someone else a place to start in figuring out some of the things that they need to address.
your post was wonderful and
your post was wonderful and very helpful..it made me think of things different. i never want to come off selfish, but i'm slowly learning that it's ok to me and the marriage first at times.
Stepgirlfriendmom, Has your
Stepgirlfriendmom,
Has your husband confronted his daughter about her actions? Has he quit catering to her every whim? Has he quit giving her money every few days, driving her everywhere, and letting her scream and whine whenever she doesn't get her way. If so, please tell me how you got him to stand up and be a man instead of a sniveling slave being yanked around by his balls.