Sorry if posts like this are old hat, but just don't know where to go. I'll give you a little background on myself. I am in early 40's, as is my girlfriend (hopefully soon to be my fiancee....just waiting for the ring and then to pop the question). She has 3 children, a 19 year old daughter who is out of the home. She has at home a 13 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. She and her ex live in the same small town of about 1800 people. They have somewhat of an odd (at least it is to me) custody arrangement, where the kids live with dad for one week, mom the next, keeps alternating. Being such a small town, its minimal interruption to their lives (same friends, same distance to school of just a few blocks, etc.).

The boy is a good kid. He has a gentle heart and tries a lot to help calm his younger sister down. Her youngest daughter is a handful. She has 'tantrums' that literally can last up to 2 days. by that I mean screaming, hitting, saying very mean things and it will go on constantly (with maybe a 10 minute let up here and there, but for the rest of the time, constant screaming, yelling, defiance). My girlfriend has been taking the youngest to therapist for about a year now, and after having talked things over with a few different people, is setting an appointment up now to go to a psychiatrist as we have been told that it is likely a chemical imbalance. We are crossing our fingers that its something like this that can hopefully, with time and patience, at least be calmed down a bit. It is at the point that my girlfriend falls to sleep at night when the kids are at our place in tears about half the time.

Her ex and his family are horrible. Now, I know that a lot of eyes are rolling right now. However, I've never seen anything like this. They mess with the kids' heads. They tell the kids that their mother is an "evil" person, that she is "going to go to hell" and that she is a "whore". They tell the kids that they should never listen to their mother or to me, and that their "dad is the boss, not your mom". they constantly talk about legal action against my girlfriend to get full custody (something they would likely lose, they are just too ignorant to know this). They put the kids second to their dislike of my girlfriend and openly and often speak badly of my girlfriend and me.

Her ex was mentally and verbally abusive (not physically). He never held a full time job (other than seasonal) for the 17 years they were married. If the weather was nice, he'd go fishing. If the weather was bad, he'd use it as an excuse not to work (he and a friend were in construction). If he would get laid off, he wouldn't look for work, even part-time to help out with bills. This left my gf to be the main money maker. When she would get home, it would still be up to her to cook and clean, and he would constantly complain because nothing was good enough. Its taken me two years to convince her that she is "good enough" for anybody. She is a wonderful woman with a huge heart.

We refuse to speak badly of their father and grandparents in front of the children. But since his family and he openly do this, the kids have lost all sense of respect for myself and their mother. I refuse to lay a hand on those kids, but he is always telling them that if I dare lay a hand on them or do anything at all they don't like, they are to tell him and he will go to the courts (something which is ridiculous, as I wouldn't dream of laying a hand on a child). He says all of this stuff, yet isn't man enough to even talk to me about how to bring up the kids, or to work together on any issues they have. He is a coward, basically. I'm not a violent man in any way, but this guy has me almost at my breaking point. He and his family are the worst people I've ever heard of.

Last week, the youngest, during one of her fits, called her father and put it on speaker so that her mother and I would hear (she had locked us out of the house and was sitting inside by an open window). She asked her dad to come get her, the exchange was eye opening, as we heard the way he manipulates the kids. I've never been so enraged. I just sat there with a smile, but my blood was boiling.

I don't know what to do, or where to turn. My girlfriend is on the verge of letting her ex have custody, as the weeks we have with her kids are 7 days of fighting, screaming and disrespect. We don't want to do this, but he and his family have gotten so into their heads that the daughter now just screams all week that she wants to live with her dad.

Help.