How Do You Handle Jealousy???
Assuming you all get the jealousy at all, but how do you handle it? My SDs 15 and 5 BOTH tend to get very jealous whenever I show affection to my wife. Basically ANY time I have a conversation with my wife, here comes SD 5 to interrupt and have to tell her mother something, which always turns out to be something nonsensical or that could have waited. This happens ALL the time. we could be talking at the counter cooking, sitting on the sofa talking, or even at the dinner table talking. I used to correct her, but I do not anymore as I no longer discipline my steps. My own BD 8 used to do it as well, but I correct her and what's crazy is it bothers my wife when MY daughter does it, but when her daughter does it, its not a big deal. There are times she corrects her, or tells her to wait, but I just feel it should be addressed as a whole and not allowed to ever happen. This past weekend, my wife and I were kissing in the kitchen and out of nowhere, here comes SD 15 who just shoves her cell phone into her mother's face cause she wanted her to put a password into it. Really? No "excuse me", nothing. Just BAM. Here's my phone. And of course nothing was said. I walked away. Do any of you get this? If so, how do you deal with it? I mean, we get the same from our 21 month old baby, but I expect that from a baby, and I correct her as well. But IMHO 5 and definitely 15 is too old to be doing this.
I agree that jealousy is not
I agree that jealousy is not the main cause here, but disagree that you said its not about jealousy.Jealousy IS indeed a part of this. They often get jealous of one another as well. They want her all to themselves and it annoys them that I take time with her. As far as teaching, I have tried and continue to try. My wife is at a point where she says that her kids come first. We had the discussion just yesterday that, of course they come first, but putting them first does not give them the right to do as they please and or disrespect anyone. I have a major problem with how they speak to her, especially now the 15 year old. So yes, the problem isn't solely jealousy, but jealousy is involved, but also the problem is them being allowed to be that way.
Yes. It's both. Kids are
Yes. It's both. Kids are jealous but no one is correcting their poor behavior.
My SS14 was just never taught any manners. I can't tell you how often the entire family will be in the car and I will be speaking to all of the kids and SS will just but in with something random. I will ignore him and/or ask him to wait until I'm done speaking and to please not interrupt. He just has no manners.
He used to do a lot of the physical butting in also, but DH was able to handle that pretty much on his own. DH and I would be walking and holding hands and SS would come up and try holding DH's hand - I kid you not. the kid would be 12 and 13 years old and would want to hold his father's hand. But he was jealous and insecure. DH would shake him away and tell him he's too old for that (DH was super uncomfortable with it).
They need to be taught and corrected. They don't know the limits if the limits are never dictated.
Jealousy, control, miniwife
Jealousy, control, miniwife behaviors (even towards a DW), self-centeredness, narcissism, attention-seeking, low self-esteem, disrespect - call it what you want.
But in the end it IS about bad manners. You are what you do. Doesn't matter WHY you do it, what matters is what you do.
Either they have good manners or they don't.
Your DW needs to pull her head out of her ass. She isn't doing the world any favors creating a few more narcissistic females who will grow up someday to be shitty BMs.
I also thought about simple
I also thought about simple basic manners. "Don't interrupt" is a basic polite courtesy taught to all children in decent societies. I'd ask your wife why she allows her children to interrupt adults for a start and interrupt parents specifically.
You can speak to the kid directly "If you interrupt your future boss like you just did me you'll be fired in two seconds". If your wife simply won't intervene then don't let the kid finish their interruption. You'll see them coming - as soon as they open their mouth tell them "I'm speaking don't interrupt".
I know you're disengaged - good for you - but one of the tenants of disengagement is NOT letting the kids walk over you just because you don't discipline. You don't discipline when they don't empty the trash - you do discipline when they don't treat YOU with the minimal respect due any adult. When its you personally being wronged you intervene immediately.
My SS is rude, and has been
My SS is rude, and has been known to interrupt with, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!" when we are trying to talk. I am not afraid to point out his rude behavior to him, simply by stating, "SS, that's rude." At times I have had to take it a bit further and explain further, when those words were met with a deer-in-the-headlights look.
One of the most important things my DH ever did to help our relationship where it concerns SS is to tell him that the Bible says God comes first, then your spouse, then your children. He had that conversation with him multiple times. I think it planted the right seed in the kid's mind, so that he wasn't from the beginning trying to test daddy to see who comes first. He is still rude by nature, because he hasn't been taught not to be. Certainly, we have other issues, or I wouldn't be here at all. But, thankfully, this is one that doesn't get tested too often. This is a talk I would definitely encourage your DW to have with the Skids. Then they don't have to constantly try to find the answer for themselves.
Sadly I agree with you. I
Sadly I agree with you. I have told my wife several times that I am no more than a butler to her kids and she blames me for it. She said that my being strict with them and disciplining them has pushed them away. They supposedly feel that I treat the 5 year old differently and unfair and are angry with their mother for being with me. I have been hard on them, but I am hard on my own kids as well. I have been through the scenario time and time again. I tried to instill boundaries, rules and limitations in my SDs as there weren't many before I arrived. In the beginning, all was well. My SDs loved me, and I loved them. Things have changed. I feel they resent me for trying to implement rules and regulations and are using their mother as a weapon against me. I have told her that I feel like a second hand citizen in my own home and she has said to me good, that I deserve it. She said that I need to be on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness from her kids for what I have done. But, I haven't done anything! I know my wife has mental issues. She has anxiety, and is possibly bi polar. What can I say? I love this woman. When things are good, they are REALLY good. When they aren't, not so good. I just don't know what to do at times because part of me knows that this will not get any better and the 15 year old will be 20 something living at home and I have no intention on supporting an adult. It will get worse as the 5 year old grows older as well. They both disrespect my wife as well. They talk back, roll eyes, talk to her as if she's a waitress, and just expect things. It was not this bad at the beginning. It has gotten worse. I do not know what to do. My wife wants to blame me for the entire situation. Honestly, she had the talking back problem before I came along, and that is from her own words. I see the 5 year old following the 15 year old. I will not allow our 21 month old to speak to her mother in that way.