Stepson help
Hi im new to steptalk but after thanksgiving i felt the need for some help or ideas. My stepson will be 1 on dec 17th. we took him to my family's thanksgiving and he was a complete holy terror and my husband and i were so embarrased by his behavior. there were atleast 15 kids there under 8 yrs old and 5 there younger than him and he was so mean to those younger ones. he kept stealing their toys out of their hands pulling hair and just screaming the whole time if someone wasnt holding him. i know at his moms house there are little to no boundries with the children she has one more besides ss and i have met and spent time with him and he is OMG cant even think of a word to describe him. i want DH to talk to BM and discuss how they each want to have the child raised. and have the same boundries and rules and i think that is only fair that she compromise this is the only child she has with an active father. (the other one hauled ass as soon as she said she was preggo.. smart bast**d if you ask me)i raised my daughter(5) to be independant and not need others to be content she disapeared with the kids and i didnt see her for hours lol (i knew where she was). do you think i am asking to much to ask them to find some ground rules and boundries together that they both can stick to? it would be so much better for ss if bio parents could talk this one out.. i would talk to BM but its not my place i am just Stepmom not actual parent. idk something has got to give any advice would be greatly appricieated
This has to be a joke. How
This has to be a joke.
How does an 11 month old steal anything?
What type of rules do you expect him to understand?
no its not a joke. these
no its not a joke. these people were not strangers and its not a strange house. as for stealing he was smacking the kids in the head and snatching the toys from them while they were crying because they were hurt. he is a big kid and as for his mom not being there she never and i will repeat NEVER around her son both of her kids are around her mother all the time and she has six other grandkids in the house at all times, but when BM is around ss she coddles him so he gets coddled and ignored he has to fight with all those other kids to get what he wants whether it be attention or a toy. i didnt want to bash BM and i would like her to grow up and be a mom and i was hoping that having a talk with her would maybe open her eyes so to speak
rules i would like him to know
1. dont hurt others to get what you want
2. dont scream for everything(he can speak enough to know what he wants)
3.you cant be held every hour of the day this mommy has to work, cook, take care of you and sissy, and potty ocassionally yes you can come in the bathroom with me but please dont scream at my feet because im sitting and not holding you.
oh scream is not cry it is a high pitched shriek that makes your ears hurt.
so translation.. i cant do anything without this child on my hip and half the time he is still crying while im holding him and pulling my hair and slapping me because he is mad. so bash if you want but i am new to this and i want advice as to how to deal with communicating with the parents responsible for this childs well being. and i do know that their are children that are just a hand full and i know the differnce there is something wrong with my ss and i am wondering if their is not some abuse that im not seeing.
He sounds like a normal baby.
He sounds like a normal baby.
You can solve your problems by making his father parent. If the child is used to being held, his dad needs to hold him.
Do not talk to BM about how she parents her son.
ss is attached to women and i
ss is attached to women and i have suggested parenting classes. also dh has him early morning until mid afternoon. then i come home from work and and he goes but the second i walk in the door all he wants is me. my daughter was never like him she was always content to kinda do her own thing. we have him week on week off its not just a EOW deal. i have also suggested therepy or group counseling
Maybe dad needs to change the
Maybe dad needs to change the custody arrangement until the child is older.
she wont go for it she pushed
she wont go for it she pushed for the week on week off. dh didnt really have any say in the matter courts just gave her what she wanted
What about putting the child
What about putting the child in daycare and changing his work schedule?
He needs to come up with something that will allow him to be home with his son when he is at your house. He is the child's parent not you.
What would he do if he were single?
the thing about daycare is
the thing about daycare is all of them in my area do not take kids one week on one off. you have to pay the full amount of care for the entire month. and im not opposed to doing that but BM wont take him on her weeks mainly because she has no car and lives an hr away from where we would be sending him..
and idk what DH would do if he was single probably head for the hills with is tail between his legs
If he were single, he'd find
If he were single, he'd find a way to make it work. He would pay for daycare (or apply of need based assistance), hire a nanny, or babysitter so that he could be home in the evening with his son.
Since he has you, he can make it your issue. Instead of parenting his son, he forces you to do it.
You need to forget having DH talk to BM about how she parents. It's possible that she and/or her mother do not mind holding the baby all day. They enjoy coddling him. They are not going to stop doing these things to make things easier/better for you.
and im not talking about ME
and im not talking about ME doing the communication i want Dh to do it. we have been together for a year and just recently married. we were friends for a longtime since highschool. we had just started dating right before BM said she was pregnant and she wasnt sure if it was his or not. she was 3 mo along they had split 5 mo previously for because she cheated on him. she concieved while they were both at a party and drunk and had a one nighter,and we had been dating for 1. i dont like or dislike bm i stay neutral. i dont agree with some of her decisions and im sure she doesnt agree with some of mine. the only communication they have is pick him up here drop him off there.
let me say again because i
let me say again because i aparently wasnt clear.
1. I DO NOT want to talk to BM! DH is concerned about his behavior and when i said communicating with parents envolved i meant COMMUNICATION BETWEEN DH AND BM. and before someone says anything about classes and therepy im talking about DH and BM and DH and ME separate classes not all together.
2. i guess the real question is how do i go about helping DH talk to BM without hurting her feelings? again NOT ME TALKING TO BM
ok so you are saying that its
ok so you are saying that its ok for your 1year old to stick his hands in a hot oven because he is too young to understand boundries?
the type of boundries i am talking about are for the childs well being.
Of course it isn't OK. But
Of course it isn't OK.
But it's up to the adults to make sure these things don't happen. The way to do that with a 1 year old is to baby proof the home, not make rules the child can't understand.
This is normal for a baby,
This is normal for a baby, he's not even 1 yet. Sounds like you're trying to find a reason to hate this baby to me. How long have you been with your husband
Then I would hope your OH
Then I would hope your OH gently and firmly corrected ss when he hitting etc. I appreciate he is not yet one, but you can still begin to make it known certain behaviour is not acceptable.
Picking him up and taking the toys away from him, if he misbehaves if an appropriate message to send (particularly if he is hitting people). Or a gently smack on the back of his hand while looking at him in the eyes and saying no.
These are all feasible means of disciplining him, which is difficult given his young age as he won't understand some things and possibly any of it if everyone just allows him to do what he wants. Just because your DD was a contented, peaceful baby, doesnt mean ss will be - most kids can be destructive and heavy handed. I watched a friend allow her baby to smack her round the head repeatedly while not telling her no, or putting her down and ignoring her for a minute.
As for DH and BM communicating - well BM's parenting style may be in complete conflict with yours and DH's. DH should try and speak to her - preferably in a neutral location and try to word the convo so that he isnt blaming her (as this will only make her defensive and extremely relucant to speak to DH - at best). So something like "BM I am a bit worried about ss and want to ensure I give him the best chance in life for happiness, as I am sure you do. On x day he was a little boisterous, nothing unusual given his young age but I want to ensure that we are on the same page. As the last thing I want to do is confuse him...."
BM may be reasonable and receptive to idea - like the ones above - particularly if DH sells it that he wants them to work together, help one another to help ss - in ss best interests. If she isnt though, dont be surprised. Many BM refuse to co-parent. All you can do is control what you can, your own home and your own actions. If that is the case, this doesnt mean you and DH shouldnt set out as you mean to go on and one good thing about his young age, is that if you set age appropriate boundaries for ss is that he will likely grasp it quicker and possibly with less hassle!
All you and DH need to do is agree how you will handle his behaviour and carry it out.
Thank you for acually
Thank you for acually answering my question.
How long have you been
How long have you been married
we have been together for
we have been together for over a year we had just started dating when bm found out she was pregnant. DH and i have been friends since High School. and i dont hate my stepson and im not looking for a reason to hate my stepson. i just dont want him to end up lik his brother who is a year older. he walks around humping his mom because thats what he sees other guys do. everyone can think i have issues if they want i just want what is best for this little boy
Had I known that, I would
Had I known that, I would have had a different approach, of course I understand as far as not wanting him to be like his brother, humping his mom. What the hell, I did feel like you were trying to find a reason to hate him but I do understand that you want whats best for him. Just try to keep in mind, this is normal and you should pop him on his hand or bottom if he keeps hitting other kids. Also, you can only control him when he's with you guys cause his brother will still have an influence on him. Hopefuuly his brother grows out of that.
OP, if you hit your SS,
OP, if you hit your SS, prepare for his mom to freak out.
That is a huge no no for some people. I know I would have gone crazy if my son's SM ever hit him. My SD's BM would react the same way if I were to hit her daughters.
I just asked my DF his opinion on this. He said if BMs BFs or FDH ever hit his daughters, he's going to jail.
If the child needs to be spanked/hit, let his dad do it.
if i am the person
if i am the person responsible for him while dad is at work i will smack his hand if it needs to be smacked. im not going to punish him non stop or beat the crap out of him but i cant wait for dh to get home and punish him. if BM has a problem with that then i'll let her know that nextime i catch him doing something that may injure him i will let him go ahead and do it if she dosnt want me to protect him i dont want to hear about him getting hurt while at my house
You can correct without
You can correct without hitting.
What happens when BM finds out and she wants to fight you for hitting her son?
I know many people that wouldn’t think twice about hitting someone who hit their child. They wouldn't care one bit about getting arrested. If your SS's mom feels that way, it would be in your best interest not to hit her son.
I have 2 BMs to deal with. One I have a great relationship with. The other BM and I hate one another. BM1 has no problem with me disciplining her daughter but hitting her is not an option. BM2 thinks I should NEVER discipline her kids. I will place them in time out, take things always... but I would never spank/hit them.
BM and i have been down that
BM and i have been down that road before.. she wanted to fight me the moment she found out she was pregnant and brandon was dating me. she at one point tried to make it so brandon couldnt have his son if i was around. she tried to make up a whole lot of crap said i did all sorts of drugs that i didnt have custody of my child( at this point i had custody of my child and my sister) i volunteered for a hair folicle drug test as i have never done a drug in my life. and the cps worker came into the courtroom as all the acusations were being recounted and everything was dismissed. as of now she doesnt like me but tolorates me as i do her. her mom likes me and talks to me everytime she sees me which is when i drop him off or pick him up. the physical threats stopped after she saw me for the first time and dh gave a slight bit of back ground (had to fight alot in high school) lets just say lots of kids got pissed at me because their parents couldnt pass a drug test and mine fired them. hitting is the last option i agree time out is better.
You need to keep in mind that
You need to keep in mind that he is a BABY!! Some babies are a lot more needy than others. MOST babies want to be held all the time-and I sympathize with you there, because it is difficult to cook, clean, shower, use the bathroom etc., when you have a baby who screams because he wants to be held, but that is just how (many) babies are. You can try to teach him how to share toys, but at this young of an age, you can't expect him to really understand much. I think your standards are MUCH too high for this kid (and trust me, I never take the side of the Skids!, but again, he is just a baby!!).
Also, if you want to teach him not to hurt others, I don't think HITTING him is the best way to do so.