difficult decision to make.. please help! Advice desperately needed!
Hello fellow step parents!
Here I am again asking for all your wisdom and advice!
I have a difficult decision to make in the next 3 weeks.. and even though I'm leaning towards going one way, I would really appreciate hearing your advice. I believe when you're living in the situtation it's harder to really see the whole picture.
Well, I have been considering leaving DH for a while. Things between us get a little better but soon fall back into all the finger pointing and arguing mode.
I'm halfway through the enrollment process at the college near the place I would move to. I also applied for my son to receive after school care at the new school. I'm still waiting to see if we'll get approved for that. If we do, than I can go back to school for free and get a technical certificate, which will open a lot of doors professionally for me. I have been a housewife for too long. I want to do something for me and my son's future.
Two days ago my DH got the bad news at work that they're cutting his hours, which obviously means, cutting a big chunk of his paycheck.
I told him that me and my son can go live at my mom's (I asked if he wanted to come with us, but he said that's not even a viable option for him). My mom has a house that's empty and she said me and my son could go live there anytime we needed.
I said if me and my son go, he can rent a room and the rent money he will be receiving will cover the less money he'll be making at work.
I can have a chance to go back to school, maybe even get a part time job if my son gets approved for the financial aid at the day care. He can get the rent money for the room and everyone would be happy.
But he said that's not an option.
He said he is the head of this household and he's putting his foot down and wants things done his way.
He wants me to get a full time job, which I'll probably get minimum wage. And there are no day cares here that have a financial aid program... so most likely 2/3 of my salary would be to pay for a daycare and the rest to pay the bill at the house.
Of course if we stay I can't go back to school and will still have to put up with all the arguing.
It seems like a brainless decision, right?
But he's making me feel like crap. Saying I cant "abandon" him in a time of need. I would be moving 40 miles away. Not to another country.
Besides, he can rent my son's room very easily, he's done it before. Before me and my son moved in he had 2 rooms rented in the house. (Its a 4 bedroom house and SD has to have a room all to herself, of course).
So.. please.. lay it on me!
I need ALL the advice I can take.
Thank you all!
Its not like you didn't offer
Its not like you didn't offer for him to come with you. He may find a even better job in that town. 40 miles is not that far. I say look out for your self and your son. Who is he to tell you what to do. I think its just his pride thats hurt. He needs to look at the whole picture from all views not just his. I think its reasonable.
I see he's at least kept the
I see he's at least kept the tactics the same... Head of the family my foot. He's throwing s temper tantrum and trying to guilt you, once again,into doing things his way and making you out to be the bad guy.
Has he managed to get SD to treat you with any respect yet? It doesn't sound like he's managed to figure out how to be a partner instead of a controlling jerk at this point.
He's gas lighting you, he's trying to manipulate you and control you to get what He wants and screw anyone else. He's probably terrified of you doing anything more than minimum wage, he may not be able to control you as well. He's being s creep and he's not interested in what's best for the family, he's interested in getting his way. It's crap. You need to leave. This is just another example of how he's about him and what he wants. He's not going to change and you deserve better. Your son deserves better.
Hi Aeron, thanks for the
Hi Aeron, thanks for the advice.. u are so very right about him.
Since he "put his foot down" on this matter yesterday he has not been talking to me. He's just ignoring me. When I asked him why he's acting this way he said he's just giving me space to decide what I'm gonna do.
I honestly feel like crap. I really do. It's an uncomfortable situation right now.
GO. Please go. Take your
GO. Please go. Take your son and go.
Head of this household? Does
Head of this household? Does he know it's 2013? It is wrong of him to ask you to give up a good opportunity which could ultimately benefit you all. You've come up with a scenario to help him balance the books, you're not abandoning him, you're investing in your future. Maybe he's just in a panic and flailing around with bravado because he feels emasculated by the loss of income, but if his goal is to stop you leaving because he's afraid it's a half way house to formal separation then he is rather shooting himself in the foot with his high handed unsupportive approach. If he really does not recognise that you are in a partnership and that you have needs which deserve just as much support as his, then he is pushing you towards the door and that is entirely his responsibility.
Yes, absolutely, Go!!! He
Yes, absolutely, Go!!!
He is just manipulating you, and it seems to be working at least a little bit because you sound like a good person. I hate the guilt tactics. And who does he think he is dictating the terms of your life! Oh my gosh.
Hi beaccountable! Thank for
Hi beaccountable! Thank for the response. In answer to your question, its my biological son. Not his.
And my idea was not to end the marriage, I just want to take this opportunity to better my own life by going to school.
I want to be able to provide for me and my son if one day this marriage ends and I'm left to fend for myself.
But he doesn't see it that way. Things have to be his way or its a problem.
It's 40 miles away and he
It's 40 miles away and he can't drive to his job and move so that you can go to school and you guys can stay together?
I don't know your details, but it seems your son is YOUR son, not his. Does your DH pay CS still? Is he staying because his kids are close to where he is? The SD, lives with you and him? Is she an adult or a kid?
I am not a believer in kicking someone to the curb when they are down, but I am a believer in doing what is best for you especially financially, especially if his job is not doing well, etc...
Hi herewegoagain! Thank for
Hi herewegoagain! Thank for your response.
I also don't understand why he thinks 40 miles is a very long drive.
Believe it or not my mom actually offered us the house for free until he could get back on his feet. But he said that will never be an option. To get that idea off my mind. Where we live now is about 10 miles from his work. And about the same distance to his daughter's school and her mom's house.
My son is 10 and he is my biological son. Not his.
he has an 8 year old who he gets to see twice a week.. and she's his whole world.
I know a LOT of people who commute to work a lot more than 40 miles.
But he said we're not other people.. and he doesn't want to do the drive.
He also said if I move its gonna be hard to see me because all his days off he has his daughter and gas prices are high.. so he can't be driving to see me all the time.
He does pay child support. A fortune. His ex took him to the cleaners when they got divorced.
So..this is my dilemma.
He's making me feel like crap since he "put his foot down" yesterday. He's not really talking to me. And if I ask him what's wrong he says he's waiting to see what I'm gonna decide to do.
My idea is not to end the marriage.. its to find a plan that would benefit all of us. But he's too proud. He wants things done his way. I said going back to school would be such a great opportunity for my future.. but he said I needed to sacrifice that for now for the time being.
Its a nightmare ..that's what this is.
If he has that attitude, he
If he has that attitude, he can get a second job to support his household, the one that he is head of, and you can go to school.
My husband once said something similar to "putting his foot down". I think he said that I was to obey him and do what he said or something like that. As soon as he said it, we stopped arguing, looked at each other for a moment, and then we both laughed and laughed.
You do what you feel in your heart is right for you and your son. Don't let him guilt you into (or out of) anything. You going to school is best for your future and your family, even if you stay married to him. Can't he see that?
I say leave him.... you are
I say leave him.... you are already having second thoughts....