The BM grudge
I know this is not the case in every situation but it is a pretty common theme... to deal with a BM who holds onto a grudge for several years (or forever) despite being "moved on" and seriously involved with another man. Not only the BM in my situation but I know of several others.
What gives?
It blows my mind, almost 7 years after a relationship ends that BM is still bringing up the past like it was last week. Letting it shape her life to this day. According to many people, she never seemed all that madly in love with DH to begin with back then. Can some women just never recover from a bruised ego? I understand holding a bit of secret resentment, but to pollute the minds and lives or your own children (who are "the most important things in your life") to get back at their father? Is this some sort of crazy switch that flips for these women upon giving birth?
Can anyone shed light on this? Because I don't get it! I kept waiting for it to end, to be "ok" or "civil" and now I realize it never will be, how depressing!
Some people haveva hard time
Some people haveva hard time moving past, forgiving those who hurt them. It isn't just a BM thing. Take a look at the blog here about forgiveness.
That is a healthy
That is a healthy attitude!
BM never was married to my DH. Not sure why either of them thought it was a brilliant idea to bring 2 kids into a tumultuous relationship but that is neither here nor there. Just boggles my mind how she is "in love" with her new man, yet she would have strongly preferred my DH to be alone for all of eternity, under her thumb.
I think it is the old,
I think it is the old, childish notion: I don't want you but I don't want anyone ELSE to have you!
Why?
1. They can always look at him as their Plan B (or C, D, E, F,...). After all, they have the golden ticket: THE CHILDREN
2. They feel like the guy should be forever punished for not being around at her beck and call
3. It is easier to control him from afar if he has no other woman pushing for boundaries and not allowing the ex to manipulate the guy with guilt
4. Maybe they think he will spend too much on the new woman?
5. They are jealous of the woman and envious of their new life together. Either they feel that life was stolen from them or, if they initiated the breakup, they might have feelings of doubt that they did the right thing by breaking up with the guy who now seems amazing to this new woman!!
Who knows why they are the way they are. Luckily, not ALL women are that way!! Unfortunately, some guys are even WORSE!
your absolutely right, that
your absolutely right, that is it! Except some women want to be with the birth father and tries to be kind manipulating and then when things are not going as she wants then you see the other side.
We got a lot of that in the
We got a lot of that in the beginning. "I struggle and you are buying her a ring!" "I should have the bigger house!" Commentary like that.
Not our fault she can't manage her money AT ALL. Never spent a day in her life for childcare and gets plenty in child support, no sympathy. Can't stand that "Independent woman/single mom" act she puts on for the world when she would always call crying about money and doing it "all on her own" (while denying him access). Disgraceful.
I am not perfect by any means but I would have more dignity than that.
Oh the beginning. BM came to
Oh the beginning. BM came to my WORK trying to be all nonchalant about it. I hadn't even met SS yet. My relationship with DH was very new at that point. Small town. Hang on for the wild ride sister. It's been 7 years for her too and she's remarried. Doesn't matter. Lol
My DH's ex seems to think
My DH's ex seems to think that just because they were married for a few years (almost 15 years ago) that she should get the benefit of anything he (WE) have. If we or I bought something nice for the girls.. she was truly bitter and would threaten to take him back to court. Even now with both kids over 18 she threatened to take him back to court for "reserved spousal support". I think she is mad that her BF of many years won't marry her and in fact may be cheating on her on and off. She knows that DH finally has a job that pays well (up to a few years ago, his income was spotty due to having his own businesses). She thinks she is entitled to it now. They had been apart for years when we met.. so it's not like I broke up the marriage or anything... Then there is the abject jealousy that she has over her girls potentially liking me. She doesn't understand that they can actually have affection for someone other than her..lol
I think its easier for people
I think its easier for people to blame others for the their problems.I also think its hard for some to come to term with their own choices. BM doesn't have an issue with our relationship anymore and has moved on in that aspect, but she still strives to make FDH's life miserable. She wants him out of SD's life and is angry with him for staying in SD's life but not staying married to her. BM wanted her perfect little family and that got ruined for her when she split from her first husband at 18 yrs old. When she discovered she wasn't interested in men and ended her second marriage, the anger came back. She is still angry that she has not created that "perfect" family for herself and her daughter and blames FDH for it, even though she's interested in women and their marriage would be even more doomed. She wants him to leave and someone else to step in so she can pretend like she had it all right from the beginning. It's more hatred to him for being a constant reminder of her past choices...if he was gone, she could "forget".
I don't get it either, but I
I don't get it either, but I think a lot of light has been shed here in this thread I know I can personally relate to.
DH's ex-wife has got to be one of the most bitter, antagonistic and mentally unstable people I've ever been subjected to. I still find it shocking that DH came out of that marriage in one piece; he's pretty resilient.
BM was a habitual, proven adulterer throughout their marriage. DH even reconciled with BM after she thought she was pregnant as a result of one of her affairs. She was also verbally and physically abusive. Well, she still is.
From the moment DH filed for divorce to the day we moved out of state, she pulled months upon months of parental alienation, attempted to run him off the road (he's a cyclist), run us off the road in our car, attempt to start shouting matches in public parking lots upon us leaving a restaurant, barge through our front door, and so much more. Yet... she'd still produce tears, begging DH for another chance.
She still plays the "You did this to our family" with DH on occasion, or rather when she's in-between boyfriends, and is quite versed in playing the independent woman/single mom role for financial gain from random men. The thing is, it's very clear that her hatred for me and DH runs deeper than the love for her own child, so it's extremely odd that she wants - or wanted DH to stay on ice for her after the dissolution of their marriage. She never turns down an opportunity to bad mouth him. She's the "victim".
My MIL still engages with BM on a BFF level. In the past, she has randomly dropped comments pertaining to the fact that maybe one day BM and I can get along and be friends. I'd just chuckle and very matter of fact inform her "I don't think so".
It is so funny to me how many
It is so funny to me how many similarities I just saw between the BM you deal with and the BM I deal with.
BM has one kid really young with DH, admits the relationship is falling apart. They are young and toxic, on again off again, she falls pregnant with number 2. They get in one of their blowouts and she throws him out, doesn't let him see his son for weeks on end. Him and I meet, she gets wind of it and wants him back, he tries for the kid(s). Has kid #2... surprise, it still doesn't work. Throws him out again.
Years later he and I are happy and she is still hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend (this one has stuck around about a year), dragging the kids from house to house and barely allowing him to see them.
We finally get a lawyer and here comes the tears and victim act. "How could you do this to me?"
All the money this woman gets and never stood on her own 2 feet a day in her life. Her mother raised those kids more than her. She portrays to everyone else that DH left her high and dry and she has done it all on her own. Of course I am the evil homewrecking whore. Did I mention she slept with everyone in DH's circle of friends when they split? She's a manic. I am afraid of people like that... they know no limits.
Yes. The commonality with a
Yes. The commonality with a lot of other BMs is interesting to say the least.
"She portrays to everyone
"She portrays to everyone else that DH left her high and dry and she has done it all on her own."
BM did this too! She went to a HS reunion and told everyone that DH had left her high and dry. I know a lot of the people she graduated with and just laughed when I heard that she'd said that. I said well if keeping the house, all the furniture and getting $5000 - $8000 a month is high and dry, I guess he did do just that.
I know that gossip is nasty but I was very happy that my good friend made sure that everyone in her grad class knew what she meant by high and dry. No one was surprised because she was a bitch in HS and DH was a great guy.
Five years later at the next reunion everyone knew what BS she was spreading.
As a BM I will tell you that
As a BM I will tell you that I personally dislike bordering on hate my ex. I think it is because I am older and wiser to now realize the gravity of the crap that he put me through. The me today would have NEVER allowed a man to belittle me and put me in the hospital.
With that being said I have chosen never to talk to him for the rest of my life. I actually hope that he doesn't knock around his new wife, because no woman deserves that. I actually feel sorry for her because he is physically and mentally abusve.
Now my dh now is a great guy. His ex is bitter, but that is her issue. She got pregnant by someone else, but he is the asshole. :O
I think BM's are often angry
I think BM's are often angry because they are controlling manipulative bitches who lost their control and power over their EX when the relationship ended.
Yep. My DH ex maintains a
Yep. My DH ex maintains a blog of it online. You'd think they were madly in love and he's the pig that left her.
BS he said he lived a loveless marriage . And they fought all the time. But come Sunday they attend church like normal happy family .
He spent nights in his daughters room ect...
The BM in this situation is a little ill if you ask me.
Everyone has told me how miserable they were . How so mean she was.
But, BM lives in the past. She's so superior. So intelligent and well educated. But, works at a home improvement center. Hmmmm
She also has,a,golden uterus.
I'm going to go insane if I ever listen to her crap online. Now, I've come to the conclusion she ill.
And now, SD talks about the past like it was last week. I guess she's drilled it into her children's heads is healthy to live it constantly.
BM talks about 7 years ago
BM talks about 7 years ago was last Tuesday! It is so unhealthy and bizzare!!!
She doesn't want him but she wanted him to live alone, in a shitty apartment, crying himself to sleep every night because he lost her.
Imagine her horror when he ended up with a wife who is more educated, prettier and nicer than her... (toots own horn! haha..) Our punishment is her trying to destroy us for the rest of her life. Makes me physically ill sometimes.
My spouse was not even dating
My spouse was not even dating or at least in a serious relationship when his Bio son13 was conceived. It was a two week "short fling" as my spouse said he was 19 and they were at a party. This is going back almost 14 years ago, and when BM got pregnant and came to him two months later, they agreed on terminating the pregnancy and she walked away and was not seen again until almost two years later when she brought a baby boy to his parents house and said " this is your son" meanwhile my spouse was currently in a relationship with a someone, who he ended up being with for almost 8 years after and BM was soo angry, I am assuming jealousy filled as well, and she made things really difficult for my spouse to see his son and it was only on her terms. My spouse doesn't really play the " kissing ass" game, and he can be bullheaded, so he basically let BM know that he would support his son but he would not be following her ridiculous rules. BM was with two different boyfriends during that year, and she got ended up moving far away with the one guy and my spouse didn't see his son for a few years and BM cut all access entirely. BM had their son call her husband dad, BM and husband had their own kids and they were all a little family. BM bashed my spouse by saying he was a terrible father, his family is dysfunctional she doesn't want her son around anyone he knows and she accepted the child support payment and that was it. LAST summer ( 10 years later) she messages my spouse on face book " Hey do you want to meet your son, and get to know him" my spouse of course was thrilled, he met with them the next day, and since then BM has tried to lay down these rules in my spouses life, and in mine. At first BM was really kind and nice to my spouse, and my spouse even said to me" I think she maybe has changed and matured over these last several years" and I thought" great, we have nothing to worry about" AFTER TWO weeks, the second weekend she caused havic, it was from" your girlfriend and her kids needs to be gone for the weekend when our son comes to visit you" to " your not taking my son camping with your girlfriend and her kids, and her nephews" to "I need money for kids camp, hot lunch each month, a new bike,a new bed, a new x box, our son wants a new cell phone to, can you pay for his minutes?" to " you didn't raise your own kid you shouldn't be raising someone elses kids" to " why are you going to HER SONS baseball game" to " You and her are going on a trip to Mexico and your not taking your son how dare you!" this is constant and that is only some of it.. but pretty much that is what it has been weekly in our house for 10 months now..