I feel exactly the same way! I don't understand how to turn that feeling off but I wish I could. I feel so resentful and disrespected and just want to scream. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way as well. 

You can be disengaged and still have a voice in your home, it's just about redirecting it to your DH.
Kids are over for the week and leave a mess:
"DH you need to make sure the kids clean up the mess they left in the middle of the floor by xyz time today!"
He doesn't follow through you remind him until he makes sure it gets done.
"DH the kids didn't do their dishes, please make sure they get done by xyz time today."
He doesn't follow through, lather rinse repeat.
To me disengagement means you are no longer required to do anything for the children in a parental capacity, but you can still ensure your DH does.

I get it.  You'l l have to find the balance that works for you. Maybe you don't disengage from everything. I did not disengage from the shared living spaces and certain behaviors of the SDs.

Example:

SDs stuff left in living / dining area for days or even longer if they left stuff out after going back to BMs....I just started gathering this stuff up after 24 hours, or after they left for BMs and putting it 'away' - like in the garage or something. If time went by (say a month or two) and no one missed a darn thing, then the items would go into the trash or to donation. Let me tell you - NO ONE missed a thing, EVER. YSD cleans up after herself so she, I think, figured it out quickly.

Dishes:  Ask DH to do them. If it got totally overwhelming and DH acted like a spoiled brat himself, I'd clean them, then put them in a storage box. In the garage or something. Because obviously no one else cared or needed the items.  This means EVERYTHING. Pots/pans included. I did donate some stuff too.  But my good stuff I just removed from general use.  I started using disposable dishes/bowls/utensils and told everyone why. They hated it  but that was the start of DH beginning to be active in cleaning the kitchen.

Skids acting out in the living room while you are trying to relax or watch a movie - absolutely say something. This is directly affecting you.  Skids talking back to you - absolutely say something. This directly affects you. 

I disengaged from YSS when, as a teen, he disregarded everything I said or tried to do.  We had always had an iffy relationship.  He's a witty person who can be sarcastic and is a "have the last word" person (so am I. LOL). 

YSS was getting in trouble at school and I'd have to go talk to counselors before he could be readmitted.  After each incident, he and DH would have a good laugh because, you know, everything YSS did was so hilarious.  I got sick of it, so next time, I refused to go.  DH hates that type of thing but he had to leave work, go, and endure the embarrassment.  Not so funny that night.  It was the last occurrence.

I had made a special effort when YSS came to live with us to enroll him in sports, he's a natural athlete.  This meant round-the-year driving him to practices and games.  I'm not a sports person but I did it.  Once I disengaged, I stopped.  So YSS had to hustle up rides or DH had to do it.

I still kept house, still lived the rest of my life but I seldom talked to YSS and didn't discuss him with DH.  I wish things could have been otherwise, it felt odd, but there seemed no other way.  DH wasn't listening to me about YSS so YSS didn't listen to me, either.  It was what  it was.

Flash forward and YSS is now in his 50's.  He's an excellent salesman and wonderful father.  He's separated from his wife and has some legal and financial issues.  We have a respectful relationship but I doubt we will ever be close.  It is what it is.

Set and publish the standards of behavior and hold DH accountable for enforcing those rules.  Inform him that he is to enforce them immediately upon infraction and if does not ....  you will.

Let the rules partially speak for you.  They also stake your ownership of  your home and family clearly.

Focus on behaviors and not on hating the Skids.

Set and publish the standards of behavior and hold DH accountable for enforcing those rules.  Inform him that he is to enforce them immediately upon infraction and if does not ....  you will.

Let the rules partially speak for you.  They also stake your ownership of  your home and family clearly.

Focus on behaviors and not on hating the Skids.

My disengagement is just me not directly oarenting SKs. I do address issues and concerns with SO and tell him to handle it. I just don't get involved as to how.

This has been the best strategy because in the beginning SO himself would just do everything to keep the peace. But now after a year he is sick and tired of asking his kids to do things and have them flat out ignore him or mouth off to him.

Just yesterday SO spent 3 hours cleaning YSDs room. He was so infuriated he took all her make up and locked it up and then told me how he is so angry and disappointed in his kids.

He used to have a lot of father guilt. That is gone now, he sees how his kids are selfish and self centered.

I never kept my mouth shut when it came to my home or something that directly affected me.

There are many degrees of disengagement, it doesn't have to be all in or all out.

My SD coming over with black eyeliner, looking like a tramp, not my problem. Bits of grape sucker in my carpet, after I said no eating in the living room, my problem (well, DH's, really), and I wasn't going to disengage from that.

If you speak up about tangible things, shoes left lying around that could trip people, for example, it's not about hating someone. Not cleaning up after themselves is a real problem and is obvious by the mess they leave, you are not just making things up because you hate them.

You do not have to give up your power, in your own home, to disengage. You just have to find the right amount of disengagement that works for you. You'll figure it out.

If something is bothering me (SD10 mess in the kitchen, leaving toys out downstairs, dirty bathroom, etc.) I let DH know instead of interacting with SD. 

"Can you ask ___ to get the upstairs bathroom clean before she leaves? It's pretty nasty." At first DH would say, "It's okay, you're welcome to ask her." NOPE, I don't want to deal with her attitude and back talk, so I refuse to get in the middle. "I need YOU to handle it and figure it out."

This way I still feel like I get a "say" in my own home, without having the repurcussions from SD. 

This is the first comment I've made ever on this site and I can't believe what I'm reading...its like you are describing my life and my struggles. SD is with us 50/50, two weeks on two weeks off. When she's here, I feel like a hostage in my own home, and my own much younger daughters don't understand the double standard when SD is here. I've been wanting to try to disengage, but its remarkably difficult when there are other kiddos around. I'm starting though, and all the advise and comments on this thread are amazing; example: I've asked SD to lay down a towel when she does her makeup in her room (refuses to do it in the bathroom...) and she just won't do it. I went into her room to turn off her light this morning (don't get me started...) and all her makeup was sprawled all over the carpet, leaking, etc. I started fuming. Directly next to the makeup mess are three of MY brand new face masks from Christmas that magically disappeared when she went back to BMs two weeks ago... hmm... all permanently stained from said makeup that is spilling all over my carpet. This is about the tenth time I've asked my husband (her father) to talk to her about that... because if I do then its a witch hunt and I just "dont like her" according to him... Anyways, all that to say, I feel like i was given an opportunity this morning to practice disengaging ... hard to walk away from a mess but its not my responsibilty. Either she or he can clean both the carpet and the masks...or replace them *shrug* 

I am a stepmom to a boy 11, and a girl 14. My husband and I totally disagree and everything there is regarding kids. He does not believe in discipline, responsibility, training, preparing, anything. All he wants is to keep the peace. So, the kids get everything they want. The stepdaughter is great. The stepson is absolutely a big baby. He cries and throws a fit over everything. He's spoiled beyond belief. He is cuddled in every phase of his life. I cannot stand this.

The stepson is absolutely a big baby. He cries and throws a fit over everything. He's spoiled beyond belief. He is cuddled in every phase of his life. I cannot stand this. Neither child would eat anything I make them. They believe that each one should have a separate meal cooked for them.

this was a really coming between my husband and I. I totally disengaged. When they are over now, I go to my room and watch a movie, do  art, And put on a sound machine so I don't hear the chaos in the other room. I would be so frustrated before the sound machine because my husband would not stand up to the children. He has a servant mentality to everyone in his life.so I say to myself, you created these monsters! Now you deal with them  If you don't want to hear anything I have to say, then I will disengage. You can make the  meals they won't eat  You can deal with their attitude   
 

It's also important to know that I am 60 years old and dealing with this. 

.

I've taken a step back for my own sanity after a year of us all being couped up in the house due to COVID and I feel much better for it. 
 

Both me and bf work full time and then come home and I do the cleaning and cooking while eldest ss has sat on his arse all day on his PlayStation and talking to his weirdo gf as he's been on furlough due to COVID. Bf is pretty much doing diy all the time as we have completed gutted the house since I moved in so have no issue cooking and cleaning for him but there's no way I'm doing it anymore for his eldest son or for his youngest when he stops every other weekend. 

The eldest won't cook because he's too lazy and will only eat something that comes straight out of a packet and needs to be warmed up or a sandwich and because  i refuse to wash his dishes for him, he now eats most of his food over the sink or chopping board so he doesn't have to use a plate cos he's too lazy to wash it, he really is turning into his mother. He knows he pisses me off and tbh weve barely spoke to each other in weeks, he's practically turned into a hermit and rarely leaves his room which although is very unsocial it suits me fine. He's got a shock coming when he starts work again and realises he's gonna have to start coughing up some rent, and if he doesn't like it he can F off and go and live with his mom in her crappy old caravan.

the youngest is the worst picky eater I've ever met and I've said to my BF his diet is not very healthy, he doesn't eat properly for his mom either but they both pander to him and treat him like he's made of glass. he will ask for food then not eat it because everything tastes funny, he doesn't eat any fruit or veg, he won't eat anything warm or anything with a sauce or basically anything with flavour.  since I've said I'm not sorting him it's your responsibility my bf just doesn't make any real effort to get him eating a proper meal and will just stick a sandwich in front of him. 
 

I don't feel bad for any of it and tbh if they don't like me for it that's just too bad,  bf can't complain either because there his responsibility not mine. 

All your feelings is what I felt in my home with my two SD's before I even disengaged.  However after they became young adults, stopped coming for visitation and tensions rose for various reasons,I disengaged.  I struggled (and still do) with the loss of control I had.  Not in my home but since I no longer spoke to them, there were and continue to be a lot of conversations between my DH and SD's that I never know about in any way.  I have become very distrustimg of them all.  Before I was always in the know.