Disengaging from ANY cooking
I've been disengaged for the most part (but for very specific things) for several years, re-engaged a bit with some "parenting" things DH wanted me to be involved in, re-disengaged from that again.
I've never been totally disengaged from cooking when SDs are with us.
I like to cook and even though DH can cook ok, some things he comes up with are just...weird.
I stopped buying food for them some time ago (i.e. special things, not the basics) and DH knows he has to do it.
The last several weeks have been trying to say the least.
The SDs get home much earlier than we do, but normally on weekdays we all eat together except for recently. I've made it clear that if they eat earlier, then need to let us know so I don't end up cooking for 3-4 people when I could cook for 1 or 2 (I get home earlier than DH so take on that role a bit more). They've not been letting us know; for instance, I come home, tell them I'm making dinner and they ask what I'm making. "OK" they say. Then, when it's done, "Oh, we've eaten already." REALLY?
This weekend, I cooked several things they like, and they basically refused to eat it. SD11 was a good eater but has recently been reverting back to picky eating and has stopped eating fruit (we have plenty around for anyone) or getting herself fed. Seems that because "We get to decide what we eat at Mommy's" is what they want to do at our home.
DH and I discussed, and I let him know that I will have no part in the food wars. He will be doing all the cooking when they are with us, and I'm not buying ANY extra food for them (I've found old food containers in the back of the fridge recently as well, obviously hidden) it's 100% his issue at this point. I kept calm, explained my reasoning and he agreed. He felt really bad for me - I doubt anything will be fixed but for my mental health. But yay! No more meal planning for 4!
Cover, do you have a rule on
Cover, do you have a rule on leftovers? I know other folks have had issues with skids eating food that was being save for lunch (work) or another meal.
If we have leftovers, the SDs
If we have leftovers, the SDs can take some for school lunches if they want to, but they need to pack it as the kitchen is cleaned up. If they don't take it the next day, then it's up for grabs.
"Skids eating food that was being saved for lunch (work) or another meal..." LMAO.
They don't eat much and anything that's for me or DH generally they won't touch because there's always at least ONE thing in it they don't like.
I have the opposite problem of wasted food - DH knows this too and has been on it more than he has in the past now that he's more involved with food purchasing and cooking.
Like you, I often make things
Like you, I often make things the skids would not eat because they objected to an ingredient. He!!, they objected to MOST ingredients because it was healthy and full of veggies!!!
On the RARE occasions I cook "for" skids, it's because DH is doing the majority of the work (grilling). So I will make a couple of side dishes. I also cook the food for Christmas, but it's light; a huge spread.
As someone on a tight budget, I HATE wasting food. In fact, I was PO'd that I had to throw away the microwave meal I brought today and buy my lunch! There were times when DH and I expected the skids for dinner and they showed up having already eaten (they were also late, but couldn't be bothered to call DH and tell him they were running late). One time, it was almost 7pm and we were starving! Had the shi'theads called, we could have eaten before they arrived. Arseholes.
Those skids are old enough to fend for themselves (PBJ!!) or your DH can play chef and cater to their delicate palates.
PBJ. LMAO! They don't eat
PBJ. LMAO! They don't eat those.
In fact, they refuse to eat sandwiches (burgers are ok sometimes), soup, salads, honey, bananas, pudding, jello, any pasta with sauce (SD11 ate red sauce until last night which instigated this whole thing) but for SD14 (and she'll eat it ONLY with cheese sauce...white cheese), Basically any normal "kid food" they won't touch...except SD14 who will eat pretty much only her version of mac-n-cheese if she's left on her own.
They were raised on pasta with butter or olive oil, plain white rice, toast.
Seriously, that is ALL they would eat when I met them at ages 7 and 9. No fruit no veggies.
I asked DH how they were introduced to new food when they were toddlers and he had no clue...basically no one introduced them to new food!
SD11 is much better now, but she won't "help herself" to most food, it must be prepared and put in front of her for the most part, but I've refused to do that for a year now, once she turned 11.
No PBJs? No mac & cheese?? NO
No PBJs? No mac & cheese?? NO PASTA WITH RED SAUCE??? ~thud~
Stock up on pasta, butter, olive oil, white Minute rice, and bread. DH can cook for 'em or they can chow down on carb and fat. }:)
It was SUCH a friggin' nightmare fight for my DH when it came to the skids and veggies - especially PigPen. He once sat at the table, CRYING, because DH made him eat three forkfuls of corn (what a big ol' meanie head!!!)... when he was TWELVE. Absolutely ridiculous. It was a fight for DH Every.Damn.Time. It wasn't long after that when I disengaged and stopped cooking for the skids. I either went out to eat or cooked something delicious for myself (steak, shrimp scampi, homemade pizza...) after DH cooked the crap they would readily eat.
Well, SD14 will eat
Well, SD14 will eat mac-n-cheese (it's her primary food source) but SD11 won't (lactose intolerant and hates cheese/cream sauces). So DH stocks up at Costco.
We went through the tears and screaming as well, around ages 8 and 10 when I refused to make two separate meals and DH got sick of it. I ended up using the methods that are used on toddlers/picky little kids ages 5 or so to get the SDs (8 and 10!) to eat somewhat differently. SD11 has generally been pretty good. As long as there's no cheese, not too spicy (but she likes a little bit) and no potatoes she's good. It's just been the past several weeks she's been returning to plain food.
SD14 doesn't eat any fruit unless it's candy or in a pie (i.e. candy, and only if she makes it). She'll pretend to nibble on roasted cauliflower or broccoli occasionally but it's less than an ounce at a time. Corn is her choice in the summer and she eats popcorn (her only source of fiber).
I think she actually has food sensitivity disorder (I can check all the boxes on the list for that one) so there's pretty much no hope she'll change. Even her friends think she's odd and who knows what she'll do as she gets older and has to go to more places. The first thing she asked DH and I when we got back from London was how the food was and if she goes with us on a trip there what will she eat. I didn't have much of an answer but "SD11 will be fine."
And a stock of increasing sized clothing
smh
The way I handle this is: If
The way I handle this is: If I want the leftovers for lunch, I tell the kids the leftovers are mine, and they will have to pack something else for lunch. I also have a drawer of my own in the fridge that everyone knows is mine only, where I put said leftovers so no one swipes them. Even if I forget to tell the kids they can't eat the leftovers, if it's in the drawer, it's off-limits. And the "my drawer only" works for us, by some miracle, no one touches it.
i hear you...i to had to make
i hear you...i to had to make 2 extra meals a night as SS refused to eat healthy...i even resorted to buying paper plates and cups because i couldnt stand cleaning up after him - with dishes ...he still did nothing and didnt clean up after himself...leave it to your husband to do...from what ive read online "doing less stepwork can save your marriage"...your husband may finally get fed up (once he realizes how hard youve worked and he has to do ut now)and tell his kids theres gonna be one meal a night...our house our rules just like at your moms, her house, her rules...kudos for being calm while explaining, enjoy the freedom.
I love to cook now that I am
I love to cook now that I am retired. But I cook what appeals to me. I love to try new things. 90% of the time my DH likes what I am making. But I do not censor myself based on his preferences.
My DH is not that fond of mac and cheese. My 92 year old BFF who adores him said that was a major character fault
. But I still make it when I want it - but I just don't make a lot.
I do not cook "healthy" in that I use real full fat ingredients. But I do use lots of vegetables and avoid most processed foods. I have no problem with using real butter and ingredients like pork. I think people who have a hissy fit over a recipe with moderate amounts of full fat items but lots of things like vegetables and high fiber beans are crazy. I am in my 70s and have an HDL of 92 (off the charts good).
Many people who say the "eat healthy" are into ultra low fat foods and often "fake" foods. My definition of eating healthy is to avoid most things that come wrapped in cellophane or are pre-processed.
My "healthy" foods can be delicious.
100% agree about the foods. I
100% agree about the foods. I eat whatever I want and see my friends dieting/starving themselves and getting nowhere. I try to make as much homemade stuff as possible and avoid cans and boxes
Let Dad handle it, like you
Let Dad handle it, like you are doing. Good job!
It's a good idea to be
It's a good idea to be completely disengaged from cooking, if the SDs are going to use it as a battleground. I had the same problem, and for a couple of years my DH entirely took over the cooking EOW when the SDs were with us. I simply wasn't going to be held to ransom over meals. I am a good cook but they stopped eating my food, or just picked at it.
I'm torn in this situation,
I'm torn in this situation, my house my kitchen, you will not be making your own meals and waste food.
Yes sandwiches and Ramin noodles is fine, I give a shit about that, your body and your health not mine...
Seeing brat did not like cleaning I knew exactly what she ate before dinner and I will only make dinner for 2.5 people... SO can't cook to safe his life only makes one dish lol,.....
I never had processed food or micro wave food in the house, nope only real cooking foods and Aergia knew better to be messing with it...
She did complain to SO I'm not making enough food, SO had a go at me, I smiled and the next day I cooked for 4 people, like they asked, there has to be one meal left for the next day lunch when she comes from school.... that evening, the food was still standing in the fridge, I kept quiet, made dinner again for 4, second day 2 plates left untouched in the fridge, I simply warmed the plates, gave Aergia the 2 day old one and SO the day old one and said.... you demanded 4 meals a night so Aergia can have lunch, there's 2 lunches of food, enjoy cause I'm not going to waste money on food....
Aergia said then aloud I do not eat left overs... I looked at her and said, I give a shit, you complained I do not make enough food, you need lunch for the next day, thus causing problems, now you will eat that food, I will not make anything else till those 2 plates are eaten....
That was the end off it lol, Oh I always kept the pantry locked, and the meat freezer.... so Aergia could not make her own lunches... she would take a pound of ground meat, mess with it and only eat a spoon full for lunch...
I usually cook enough for
I usually cook enough for whoever is at home, since everyone is expected to eat dinner... I call everyone out when I'm about to serve it up - that's their learned cue to let me know if they're not too hungry etc so I don't overly load up their plates...and if they don't, and the plate is too much for them, they get it the next night, before they have that night's meal.
DH and I usually take leftovers for lunch, so I generally cook more than I need anyway, or I'm double/triple cooking so that I just have to take out something frozen to pop in the oven anyway...
Also - I cook during the week, and the family is expected to eat what is made. I do menu planing, so it's always up for all to see. There simply is no discussion about it - they've already had their chance when I did the menu planning. You're either hungry or you're not, and if you are, that's the food up for grabs. End of story.
Food brattiness seems to be a
Food brattiness seems to be a common theme with these skids. Killjoy is beyond ridiculous about food, too much to even go into. Let's just say her food preferences are completely arbitrary, and she uses food to punish and control people, and to get attention.
Sharing food is probably the oldest bonding ritual amongst groups of humans. Think about all the special events in life and how much they revolve around food, who's bringing it, what it's going to be, how it will be prepared, how it will be presented, how much we're going to enjoy it together, how we're going to talk later about about our enjoyment. I have a theory that these kids go out of their way to avoid intimacy with the stepparents by refusing to eat their food. It's the same way with manners in general: kids are rude to us to disrupt intimacy. They also seem to sabotage every single vacation or outing they are taken on.
I think sharing a meal is the most basic of prosocial behaviors. Learning to be flexible and polite, learning to obey rules, not being entitled to special treatment, accepting what is available, not being wasteful. Before I got to the point with Killjoy where I couldn't stand to be in her presence at all, I cooked meals and she was expected to eat them without complaint. I am a fabulous cook, in fact I have won both of the two cooking contest I've been in. I had tried being flexible with her and it wasn't workable due to her arbitrary ridiculousness.
I don't cook or eat with her anymore, but I can say, her favorite foods are all junk, and none of them are allowed in this house. I don't buy them, and DH knows if he does, they will go directly in the trash, so he doesn't buy them either. So now Killjoy has no choice but to eat only foods that are NOT on her list. Lol. Paybacks are a bitch.
She can't cry foul either, because I went with DH to her last doctor checkup and called her out in front of her doctor. He told her, again, that she is overweight and needs to stop eating junk. I told the doctor, in front of her, that he needs to tell her to lay off the sugar and carbs, "she won't listen to me because I'm a mean, abusive, controlling...bully? Did I get that right, Killjoy? A mean abusive controlling bully?" Doctor smirked at her and told her off while I stared right at her. How lowering for her. Lol.
Now that I'm disengaged, I think she misses my cooking, but she'd never admit it. She plays victim to DH about how hurt she is that I don't interact with her anymore. In reality I think my disengagement is an affront to her self-importance, much more a narcissistic injury than actually missing me.
I disengaged from cooking for
I disengaged from cooking for the skids about a year ago now (they live with us fulltime) they are disrespectful, manipulating, entitled, silver spoon sponges, they are 18.5 and 21 they would never tell me if they were going to be home for dinner or after numerous text messages trying to find out, they would say foil it I will eat it later (and never would grrr), and my DH would say just cook for them, so I would and I would foil it only to find it in the fridge the next morning, I started re serving them the meal from the night or 2 nights before to them when they decided to be home and made me and DH a fresh meal, this did not go over too well haha. I told DH the day anything in this house becomes expected of me I will stop doing it, so one weekend when DH was away I got home before the SD's and went to my room, first SD came home went straight to the microwave and I herd it slam (nothing in there) then to the fridge heard it slam too haha then the front door slammed and SD drove off, next SD came home and did the same thing only SD went to her room and slammed the door, I picked up the phone and ordered pizza for one, went down stairs when it arrived spoke loudly so SD could here I was getting food delivered then went back to my room and shut the door and enjoyed it. I meant it when I said I will stop doing whatever becomes expected of me!. Now if he wants to feed them he has to cook, but we run a business and are always home late so we either go to the pub on the way home, order in or I cook for two regardless of if they are home or not, they are 18 and 21 they can get there own dinner. The 21 year now cooks her own dinner (never cooks for us might I ad) but the 18 year old would just as sooner not eat then be expected to grow up.
I will never re engage on this one!
Why does an 18 and 21 year
Why does an 18 and 21 year old need cooked for in the first place?
Unfortunately the man I’m
Unfortunately the man I’m engaged to, his psycho ex wife and their 2 spoiled brat children... well, the kids control everything. They will play the ‘I stopped eating x recently’, and then one child will refuse to eat the same thing the sibling is eating. Then the younger one will bitch about slight traces of fat on meat, plow through her dinner, have dessert, eat a bag of popcorn and then when her dad stops her from eating something else because she says she’s still hungry... she throws a fit and storms to her room. And she worries about getting fat???
The psycho ex doesn’t give a crap... and he’s a pushover and wants them to eat...
It’s pathetic. I give up...
Who has time to manage all the food preferences?
Arh! I am going through this right now. SD 11 has food issues such as being overweight and severe acid reflux due to diet choices. I used to cook and meal prep during the week but my DH would contantly ask (while I am cooking) "but what will SD eat?" I made sure to have a side of mac and cheese or keep things here that she would eat as a back up food if she didn't like what I made. She only likes to eat pasta, fast food, mac n cheese, grilled cheese, and pizza.
Now she tells me that her and BM eat steak all the time and we should too. Honestly, steak is a special treat for special occasions in our house. I honestly am tired of making more than one meal or her not trying to eat what I have cooked. It was easier for a time to just eat all the junk they preferred because who really has time to make multiple meals? I don't. But now I have gained weight and regret giving in to the easier option.
Just quit cooking and trying to manage all the prefrences. Ain't nobody got time for that. But don't give in to the crappy food choices either. Make the things you love. They can run to McDonalds. *yes3*
Hmmmm maybe I should do this!
Hmmmm maybe I should do this! Sick of cooking for the SO's 3 PICKY eaters. There are about 6 meals I will cook for them they will eat but I will have to hear about how it's "not as good as Grandma's" or "this isn't how Grandma makes it"
I was never a picky eater and I don't understand it. I ate everything as a kid and still do.
This is what I can cook them -
Chicken Strips and Fries
Spaghetti
Taco's for 2 of them Sloppy Joe's for 1 that won't eat the taco's
Breakfast for Dinner (Waffles, Pancakes or eggs with bacon or sausage and the 1 fruit each of them likes which is different for each kid)
Chicken Burgers
that's it. And now they are "sick of having that for dinner" (or the 10 year old having a complete melt down tempur tantrum cause he's not getting Mc Donalds) yet they give me no other options of what they will eat.
I am so sick of listening to the complaining I think I am going to have a talk with SO about him taking over when they are with us half the time, and the other half I will cook for the 2 of us.
That's what I did first. Told
That's what I did first. Told DH what I was doing and why. If he wanted to cook differently for SDs, go for it. But we wouldn't be cooking at same time. SDs then would eat first, then I would cook for us. He hated that. So I would cook one meal that was served family style so SDs could put together what they wanted. We got on good routine till lately, then it changed again. So I stopped cooking with SDs in mind mostly, unless I felt like it. It's much better and less stressful to know your limits, let your DH experience the frustration. It's the only way it works for him.
Oh hell no!
Kids eat what is prepared or they starve. End of discussion. One whine and they go to bed without or they sit there until they eat. Even if it takes the entire visit for them to choke it down. Better yet. They can not eat what is prepared and have it served to them again when everyone else is getting the next meal. Either way, they eat nothing but what is prepared.
Lather, rinse, repeat the next day. It will take less than 24 hours to resolve this issue if you gird your loins and stick to applying the consequences for their whinny picky eater crap.
Disengaging completely is the
Disengaging completely is the key here. I refuse to cook, clean, or even allow my stepdaughter to visit my home. Her mother got a 500 thousand dollar home, a brand new car, and their entire life savings that she STOLE out of their joint bank account, I don't think this little snowflake deserves any more money or luxury items. She is not allowed to eat food that is in our house, and if she wants to shove mcdonalds down her gullet it should be paid for using her child support money. She is not allowed to meet or interact with my BIOLOGICAL daughter and the only cooking or work done in my home is for my family and my family only.
when bm kicked each of her
when bm kicked each of her children out of her house when they turned 18 they all came to live with us. it was hell.
these adult children tried to dictate what i bought at the grocery store and refused to eat leftovers. one of the skids was giving away my expensive diet meals to one of her gal pals! this skid was such a pleaser and wanted to suck up to her new friends.
dh would have parties at the house for the skids adult friends and buy alcohol to boot. (they were all of drinking age.) what bunch of young people would not want a party with all the free food they could eat and alcohol they could drink? dh was such a sucker and would periodically offer these parties to his children. a bunch of loud drunk young people to upset my peace and quiet.
it was really interesting when one of these young friends was too drunk to drive home. we offered for her to stay the night in the guest room and she vomited all over the sheets and comforter!