We only argue about the kids
DH and I get along great. But we both get defensive about our own kids. The only time we fight are about the kids. Really his kids. Then I bring up something and he brings up something about my kids. Does this blending ever get easier? We've tried counseling and it helped a little but we still have issues. I get so annoyed with his kids and their behavior. DH points out things I do to favor my kids and I see his point. I am definitely not perfect and my kids aren't either.
There are a couple of things though that I don't understand. Yes, his are here almost every day for part of the day, but they also go to their mom's every day too. At BM for instance, they have their own rooms and each own TV and video games. My kids are here full time. Should one of mine be the first to get their own room? Not according to DH. We are going by age. I let my kids have their own TV in their room since all this being at home stuff. He doesn't want his to have their own, fine. But he will then bring up how it's not fair mine have their own. But this is their home base.
I don't know how to solve this issues. We are both stubborn and get more annoyed by each other's kids. We both kind of separate them and with his so back and forth I just don't see how we can keep it equal. Maybe I'm the one more in the wrong. I just start to get so frustrated with his kids and then I sometimes bring things up to DH. Who still gets defensive and turns on my kids. How can we stop doing this negative cycle?
I think the two of you need
I think the two of you need to sit down and come up with an alternative that works for both of you. Blending a family is all about compromise, if you both want it all your way or all his way you may as well draw a line down the middle of the house and claim your half and he claims his.
Personally I think kids can share rooms if there are not enough to go around and the extra room is a guest bedroom...kids don't pay bills therefore they don't get a say.
You and your DH need to decide what will work best for you and your household, not go off of what worked in your previous marriages and households.
Have you thought about trying
Have you thought about trying counseling to see if you can work on a communication style that doesn't automatically make you both defensive. What I hear you say is that you tend to be more vocal about the things his children do that annoy you. In response...he is pointing out your kids' imperfections.... It sounds like he is probably equally frustrated with your kids but chooses to not bring up issues unless he feels like you are picking on his kids.
It is absolutely natural for you to both favor your own bio kids and to have more fuse when it comes to their issues than those of your partner's kids. What you both need to be able to figure out is how you handle these issues. How the kids are corrected and taught.. "parented" so to speak. How you bring up issues with your partner about things their kids are doing.. how you discuss your own kid's issues with them. also, how the home is run.. decisions are made etc.
On the face of it.. with regards to the rooms... I would tend to side with your partner on the rooms going to the oldest kids first... I say this because both sets of kids are there daily (or almost daily).. even if his kids spend some time at mom's too.. and have a room there.. they are still in your home every day too..just like your kids are there.
There could be some other things that come into play though.. the different ages of everyone.. the sex of the children.. That could start overriding the absolute "oldest child gets own room first" method of allocation. And.. truly, if his kids were only there on every other weekend and yours were full time.. I would say the full time kids should tend to get more weight.. but in your case.. I think the kids are there on an even enough basis to go based on age.
But... I do think you need to figure out your communication over kid issues. Otherwise, you may have to resort to a less traditional relationship where you may maintain separate households until the kids are out of the house.
That is a good point. I'm
That is a good point. I'm usually able to keep things to myself as I'm trying to disengage and not keep nagging to DH. But right now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about the stepkids and I think it's because I found out their summer schedule. They will be gone for a bit in spring during school and a few days in August. So they will be here a lot mostly all June and July. My bio kids will go with their dad at least one week per month so we get a break from them, but will not get much from the stepkids. And DH seems fine with this.
I don't mean to sound selfish but we have a big family and DH and I need some time alone. In the past we've been able to take a trip when both sets of kids were with their other parent. This summer his kids will go back in the evenings to BM but otherwise will be here a ton and I'm worried about how this will affect DH and I. I need to let go of what little control I don't have over when they are here. It feels like more than I had anticipated when we moved in together and they can be very difficult and stress me out. And work on what I can control or when I go visit family which may be a lot this summer....
I wonder whether there may be
I wonder whether there may be an opportunity for his kids to also see other family of his? they could spend a week with the grandparents or something in the summer.. I can see that extra time and finding time for yourselves can be hard. I think that is another area where you approach it collaboratively with your DH.
Tell him that you love him and that is important that you have time together as a couple.. not just as co-resident parents of a horde of kids. It's not like you or he gets very little time with your kids.. you both have significant custody.. by finding ways his kids and yours can spend time with grandparents.. maybe even a week away at camp might be an option. He needs to understand you need the occasional date night.. just you two.. an odd weekend away or at home with no kids... and that it will be tough.. but you both need to make that your priority.. it's important as the heads of household that your relationship remains strong and comitted.
Thank you so much for that
Thank you so much for that great advice. I actually told him how anxious I am right now about this and apologized for being so nit picky but explained the idea of so little time with just he and I stressed me out. He came up with the idea you had on his own and said of course he wants time with just me.
When I find out when my kids will be gone he said he can check with his parents or BM to see if they can take his kids for a few days. I am relieved now and feel better that he is making me a priority. Thanks for being a great sounding board. I need to continue working on my communication skills with DH.
That's fantastic that he had
That's fantastic that he had that idea too. It is tough to live with unrelated kids. My SD's are adults and living on their own now.. but I do remember exactly how it felt sometimes when they were there.. and just their presence would put me on edge to an extent. I never had kids of my own.. so having some all of a sudden as 5 and 9 year olds was a bit overwhelming for me.. especially since I do tend to be an introvert.
I think by focusing your concern is not that "your kids will be here too much".. but more on the "I am afraid we won't have as much time together, if any, as a couple" is a great way to approach it. The kids are part of the issue.. but your feelings and concern is not directly "blaming" them.
Look.. I know kids.. all kids can be frustrating. I love my YSD.. but she was famous for half empty drink bottles all over the house.. and left in my car! To this day.. she rarely finishes a drink.. I don't know why she insists on buying herself the GRANDE.. (or whatever size that is).. We were on vacation once not long ago and she actually finished a whole can of coke in one sitting. I wryly said.. "oooh A christmas miracle in july".. and she laughed.. "I know right??".. But there were times after visitation where just the sheer number of these things tucked away would grate on my last nerve. Or OSD who was so painfully persnickity about things at times.. I know it's insecurity.. to this day she is insecure.. but things had to be perfect. and that was not my style at all. I did a lot of disengaging.. waded in when there was some dog of mine in the fight.. and fortunately.. my DH didn't want his kids to be total hellions..haha.
I don't see how having a set
I don't see how having a set of kids go back and forth to each parent's house each day would allow for anything but chaos. With all the back and forth, what is his kids' schedule as far as how many and which nights a week they sleep at your house? To me, that would factor in to determining room allotment.
It is different during the
It is different during the school year and summer. During the school year they come back here at night to sleep, during the summer they sleep at their mom's. So during summer it seems maybe more fair to my kids. But this is a compromise I guess, one of mine is next up for the room and they will alternate, the next oldest, etc.
I agree the schedule is chaotic. It causes some of my stress, I think it would be better for his kids to have more stability. I would like full days of either his kids here or not here, not so much back and forth. But this is the schedule DH and BM want so I'm trying to adjust.
It is not unusual that a
It is not unusual that a couple has a single topic of conflict.
We had two.
The first was housework which we resolved with the work hours model. Work hours were from the time the first of us left the house in the AM until the last of us got home in the evening. From that point it was OUR time to take care of the house. When I was the only one working outside of the home, the work hours model made the lion's share of the housework happen during work hours and thus my DW did it. Once she started working outside the home houswork was done on a far more equitable foundation.
The second was her dedicated position of not holding the SpermClan's feet to the fire on compliance to the CO because she was afraid they would take it out on the SKid. It took a few years but I was finally able to get her connected with the reality that they were taking it out on the kid regardless. So, she went zero tolerance and total confrontation on them over any deviation from the CO.
Once we worked on colaborative ways of building success as a couple on those two issues.... we pretty much don't fight about anything.
Instead of going from issue to issue regarding his kids, try sitting him down for a focused discussion on the repeated problem and how to work together to resolve it. It took us a while, but it worked.
Good luck.
Thank you for this advice. I
Thank you for this advice. I actually sat him down and mentioned his one of his kids has such a loud tone of voice and won't stop talking, how this is driving me and others crazy. But more importantly, this child is sooo bossy to others and even me at times. DH acknowledged this, and we say SS down and explained how this behavior is not acceptable without being too critical. I am so happy he is not defensive! You're right, it's good to focus on specific issues and not be to critical about it.