Walk away and find a man without the baggage?
I posted about my weekend from hell in Blended Families so I won’t repeat everything but to make a long story short, SD5 followed and hung all over DH the entire weekend and I didn’t get even 5 minutes of alone time with my husband. Then yesterday she pissed in my car. Almost 24 hours later, I am still fuming.
I don’t know how much longer I can deal! I love my husband to death but this kid is driving me INSANE!! I know it’s DH’s fault for giving her spousal status, but still. Our weeks without her are GREAT. We really have no issues. But when she is here (every other week), it’s all about her and I get NO time with my DH from the time she wakes up in the morning until the time she goes to bed at night. She’s constantly following him around, hanging on him, interrupting us when we’re talking, etc. Why can’t she go freakin play somewhere?? She’s a kid!
I told DH I don’t mind if she comes over every other weekend because I can find things to do for the weekend, but these full weeks are just too much. She comes to us every other Thursday and by Sunday night (or earlier) I am DONE (but then she is still with us until the next Thursday). I am seriously wondering if I should just walk away and find a man without all this baggage.
Yeah it sounds like hell.
Yeah it sounds like hell. I've been with DH 4 years and nothing has changed. We have tried counseling and it helped with some small things but not the bigger picture. He's a guilty parent and spoils his child and thinks she can do no wrong. Now, I know the problem is DH (SD is only 5- she's just doing what she has been allowed to do) so I am not blaming SD. I place total blame on DH.
What makes everything worse is that no one (outside of Steptalk) understands ANYTHING I am going through. I have no stepparent friends or family members (my mom has a SM but she was only with her dad every other weekend and my grandmother was the nicest lady so they had no issues like we have).
The only thing I hang onto is the fact that the weeks we have alone are great. They really are. I would say our relationship is near perfect when SD isn't around to come between us.
I cannot agree with you more!
I cannot agree with you more! It’s so unfortunate that we are blamed for a crime we did not commit. I’m at the point where I can walk away unscathed or continue dating this man with such a dysfunctional situation. Help!
It's easy to think the
It's easy to think the problem is SD, because when she's not there, the problem's not there. But actually, the problem is HOW DH handles SD, not SD. If DH stopped his daughter from interrupting you, you wouldn't mind having her around. If DH stopped treating her like a mini wife, you wouldn't mind having her around.
I kept feeling the same way about my now exBF. When it was just him, me and my two girls, everything was great. Then bring his son into the mix and it caused problems. But I realized it was how BF parented his son that was the problem. He was the one that let SS interrupt adult conversations, he was the one that didn't make his son listen. He was the one that didn't like me mentioning things about his son's behavior. Yes, the problem only happened when SS was around, but that was because of how DH handled his son.
If someone can't handle alcohol, of course the only time they're going to have problems is when they go to a bar, or where everyone is drinking. Is the problem the bar, or the alcoholic? Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get my point.
Deep down inside you know the problem is with DH.
Your dh is the issue. NOT the
Your dh is the issue. NOT the child. HE needs to parent her. It seems as though he doesn't. Maybe you need to get marriage counseling. If you feel you have tried everything, maybe walking is the best option. You can walk away from this situation. That's a choice sd doesn't have.
I had this same issue with
I had this same issue with stepdevil14. Guess what? DH stood up to her and started parenting her and she fled to mommy's. Mommy babied her still and gave her whatever she wanted so she took DH to court for 100% overnight custody of SD and he agreed. SD hasn't visited since October and we're finally at peace without her black cloud hanging over head.
Goddamn Redwings! I'm going
Goddamn Redwings! I'm going through this same shit right now!! SD USED to manipulate DH until I came along and made him see. Now she lives with BM full time and we're starting to understand where it all came from. BM is manipulation-QUEEN!!
At the moment SD has succeeded at manipulating BM into taking her to tennis lessons because DH wanted to make sure she was wearing something decent. SD has become fond of wearing tights, with a top and thongs. These tights are revealing and you can also see every single curve of her ass and body. SD is on the short side and a bit pudgy so she just looks ridiculous in them. DH has asked her to cover it up with a bigger top etc, but she refuses to. BM sends SD over in these clothes to wear when she comes over as she has NO clothing at our place. So, really, BM should be aware of what clothes SD brings over. When we dropped SD back at BM's house on Sunday night, wearing her white tights, know what BM did? Launched an email attack on DH abusing him about "allowing" SD out in public with her underwear visible to all and sundry! she even mentioned attracting paedophiles in this outfit! What the hell?!!
End result? DH is fuming and is now talking about not seeing SD until she starts to respect him! Bloody frickin' hell.! What the hell is it with some BM's that just seem to lose it when they realise they can't control their exes any more? SD is following EXACTLY in her Mom's footsteps and it's damned ugly to see, I tell ya!
Yep! Stepdevil14 is also
Yep! Stepdevil14 is also very short and pudgy, a good 35+lbs overweight, less than 5'. She also likes to wear crappy clothes that are too small. To the point of having muffin top over her jeans and shirts that have kittens and butterflies on them, like you'd see a 9 yr old wearing.
I don't get it either. BM is turning SD into a mini version of herself and DH finally got sick of being in the middle of it. So now, he pays BM double the child support he used to, she has 100% overnights but they still have joint custody and we never see SD anymore. The extra money is worth not having that brat in my home ever.
Oh yeah, I know my DH is the
Oh yeah, I know my DH is the issue and not SD. SD is only doing what she has been allowed to do and get away with. My DH does not parent his kid. That is the issue and I have told him this at least 100 times. He just doesn't get it. I don't know if it's the guilt about not being with her all the time or what, but he is a downright shitty husband when his kid is around.
^^I did the same thing. Had
^^I did the same thing. Had DH not stepped up and begun parenting SD, there's no way we'd still be together!
I totaly understand you. My
I totaly understand you. My skids are SS15, SD10 and SD5. Now, the problem are the girls. They're so spoiled and hang all over him constantly. When we went to the swimming pool, or at dinner, they had to sit next to him, drink whatever he's drinking..always daddy this, daddy that... Not a single minute we could be alone. During our meal time, anything I make for lunch (except pizza and stuff) they'd start complaining they don't like it, they won't eat. Later on, they'd look for candies, and for the first 10 times they ask, he won't give them. Eleventh time, he gives in. Only once I've lost my temper (not entirely) and told to the SD 5 she doesn't have to eat if she doesn't like it or if she isn't hungry, but that there are no cakes for her because she said she wasn't hungry, and that this applies for candies too. (she is getting fat). She made a sceene, sobbed, cried, and told me that I wasn't her friend anymore, and that she'll tell me to her mommy. I felt no regret at all. I felt glad, because Dh knew I've been telling him to parent her, for over a year.
Things are pretty much the same, except I told DH, that if he isn't gonna arrange things, that I would. I'd create an enemy, but I don't care. I'm not due to put up with that sh*t.
If you've been smart enough
If you've been smart enough to not let him knock you up yet, then hell yeah! Run girl!
I tend to take a hard line on
I tend to take a hard line on not allowing SKids to interfere in adult relationships. They are kids. That is it. They are not part of the marriage/equity life partnership at the core of the situation. Only the spouses/partners compile that core.
Kids are the top relationship responsibility but do not trump the partners/marriage. Ever.
To mitigate the risk to the marraige/relationship that Skids represent I take the stand that there are inviolable standards of behavior that apply and kids comply or ... they experience escalating age appropriate consequences for their choice to violate those standards.
If one partner does not like how the other partner parents and and disciplines then the unsatisfied partner can step up and get it done before the otherone has to. So, set the standards, enforce the standards, and apply the escalating state of abject misery until you find the point where the SKid changers their behavior to avoid any additional misery.
Do not tolerate the Skid being attached to your DH's hip. When she does it, physically move her so that you can be in proximity to your husband. THe peeing in your car should be met with a rubber diaper. From the minute she arrives in your home until she leaves she is in a rubber diaper. She can piss and poop herself to her heart's content and when is becomes evident that she has soiled her rubber diaper you can direct daddy to deal with it.
So, you can leave and purge this particular drama from your lfie or... you can set and enforce the behavioral standards in your home and let Daddy know that if he does not like how you parent and discipline then Daddy can step up and get it done before you have to.
I generally would balk at letting an ill behaved prior relationship breeding experiment jeapardize a marriage.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.