Not yet a Step Parent! Advice???
OK...here's my rant.
My SO who I have been in a relationship with for the past year has two childrens, a 2 yr old boy and a 3.5 yr old girl. Him and his girlfriend (their mom)split up well over a year ago so he gets the kids every weekend, which is when I see them. I do love this man but now having second thoughts about marrying him.
His son is not quite yet communicating. His daughter?? ....OH MY GOD....the attitude of this girl drives me bonkers!!
For the first six months she was OK...to me. These last six months she has been snapping at me, ignoring my requests, and being moody.
She tells me her mom doesn't like me and always calls me stupid. OK...whatever.
When I tell her to do something she will just smirk and smile at me until someone else (a family member, usually her dad or grandma) steps in and tells her to do as she is told.
When I tell her not to go into the basement it's too dangerous, she tells me "I WANT TO GO SEE MY DADDY!!!!"
She'll snatch toys away from me, give me lip and attitude. She interrupts constantly. If I tell her no candy she will stick her hand in the candy jar anyways. When I gave her a beautiful dress for xmas she just looks at me and says 'i dont like it.'
I bought this girl all sorts of clothes and toys cause she only gets hand-me-downs from the neighbors (her mom is on welfare and can't afford clothes/toys), and she wears and loves them. I know she is only three but shouldn't kids be a tad appreciative??????
I'm not asking to be her mother (and lord knows I don't wanna be), all I want is some RESPECT.
HIS mom says if him and I move in together (he lives with her now), it will show more authority on my part and the kids will have more respect for me as they will see us as "one." But I honestly see myself pulling out my hair.
What do you think?? I would love to hear feedback! Is this behaviour going to fade away?
Nope, it will not fade and it
Nope, it will not fade and it will get worse unless your SO does something about it and the time to insist he do so is NOW! I'd paddle her ass. If he won't make some rules for her to treat you as the other adult in the place if he won't see it, understand it and support you, then RUN! Because it will only get worse.
Paddle? She's 3. They are all
Paddle? She's 3. They are all brats at that age lol.if it will get better really depends on the BM. Is she telling the sd to treat you this way?
I hate to say thins, but I
I hate to say thins, but I wish someone told me to RUN. I don't even have an evil SK, just all the difficulties that go along with trying to fit that "family" into a family you want and have ever right to manage--- its just too hard. Loving the man won't help, it just makes it harder. Before you know it, you'll have kids with this man and then won't leave because you refuse to put your own children in that position. It sucks to say, but run.
I hate that most advice on
I hate that most advice on this forum is just to run. Not every situation is unfixable and terrible. DH and I have had our struggles, but it's worth it to me to be with the man I love. If you have a man who will back you up and support you, I believe things can work. The kids are still young enough to change
I wonder how much of this is
I wonder how much of this is just plain old 3-year behavior and has nothing to do really with you being a step parent. You have to remember, a child can't comprehend how much you really do for her, she is only thinking here and now. Don't expect her to act with "appreciation" other than pleases and thank yous, that's what 3 year olds do.
Talk to your SO, get his buy-in that every time a request from you has to be repeated before she does it she will have to go to the "naughty chair". I believe supernanny does 1 minute time out for every year of age.
I do agree with Marie that
I do agree with Marie that it's all about how your SO is going to handle his daughter. I don't believe that 3 is too young to set some rules, but I do know that some dads just can't or won't see it. Then it becomes a war and you are a pawn. I came into my situation when the youngest was 5. She's 7 now and it's obvious that she's in charge, just like her oldest sister. There was just never any room for me.
Maybe read Stepmonster and share with SO. If he really loves you and wants to see things from your perspective, it will help a lot!
OK...I agree that a 3 yr old
OK...I agree that a 3 yr old wouldn't understand the concept of appreciation. I don't have kids of my own so it's difficult for me to understand and I am trying.
However, I do feel I deserve one iota of respect.
And it is true they do not want to share their Daddy and I feel left out. They make it very clear they do not want me doing anything for them (so should I stop buying things for them??) Like when one of them asks for help with putting on clothes or needs something from up high and I'll offer to help it's a "NO! I want my DADDY to do it!" Now I do whatever to step aside and let Daddy have their time but it doesn't seem to ever work.
And SO's heart does melt when they want him to do things and I can understand, he is their Daddy.
He agrees that she needs some direction but insists she will grow out of it and learn to respect me one day.
So if they pull the "YOU ARENT MY MOMMY" card is it unreasonable to immediately pack their stuff and haul them back to moms? After all she is their idol and I certainly won't measure up.
"He agrees that she needs
"He agrees that she needs some direction but insists she will grow out of it and learn to respect me one day."
She will only learn if someone teaches her, try the time out suggestion or something akin to it, get his buy-in. If he agrees she needs direction (which every 3 year old does!), then it shouldn't be a problem.
"So if they pull the "YOU ARENT MY MOMMY" card is it unreasonable to immediately pack their stuff and haul them back to moms? After all she is their idol and I certainly won't measure up."
As tempting as that might be, no, that's not a reasonable response. NOW is the time to start fostering a relationship if respect with her, and acting HER age won't give you that. Explain to her that you know you aren't her mommy, but you are the mommy of your house. (I read that somewhere else here and thought it was a perfect way to make a child understand.) As such, she is to give you the same respect and consideration (keeping in mind she is still learning what that means) as she would give her mommy at her house.
I think the issues you have her are totally surmountable, go to a blended family counselor if you feel necessary to get SO's buy in.
haha i wish that worked in
haha i wish that worked in our house.
sd3 normally wants me to do everything.
There is a lot of good advice
There is a lot of good advice here. I agree that 3 is a little too young for appreciation, but not for respect. This situation is not hopeless, and I don't think you need to run away (unless your SO is unwilling to help). Your SO needs to step up and stop his daughter's behavior NOW. If he does not, then this will get worse. If he does though, I think she will get over it. My BF's son just turned 4, and even now he does not listen to me as well as his sister (almost 9) does. His father is very quick to correct his behavior though, and I can actually see progress (now when I tell him not to jump on the bed he will actually stop). It's partly the age, partly the parental response. It does sound like the girl's mother is putting negative thoughts about you into her head. Well, you can't stop that unfortunately. However, a 3 year old should NEVER be allowed to call you, an adult, stupid. Do not shrug it off. Talk to your SO and tell him that he needs tell her that's disrespectful and not allowed in his house.
If you're not comfortable moving in, don't. Moving in together can show solidarity and can make things easier IF AND ONLY IF your SO makes it clear that this (new) house is YOURS AND HIS and that you are equal adults in it and that she cannot disrespect you in your (mutual) home. If he does this, then I do think that living together can have a positive effect on how the kids view you. However, if he's not doing this now, I wouldn't expect him to change just because you're living together. Talk to him and see if he can make the important changes now, then maybe you guys can think about moving in together.
When our skids pull the I
When our skids pull the I want daddy to do it thing, he tells them that Marie offered to do that for you. If you really need help, you will accept her offer. Then they turn to me and let me help. We have also discover that they do the same thing to BM. Daddy cuts their toenails better. Just because they don't want to do it at that moment. Kids are master manipulators. At 5, ours are already playing BM against DH. Mommy gets us this or daddy let's us do that. They were winning until we all got together to lay out rules. Now I can tell them that I KNOW mommy doesn't let you do that. It is starting to work!
Also I have realized that my hurt response was playing a part in them doing that. If they didn't like what I bought or they wanted daddy or mommy, they could tell I would get sa and upset, giving them attention. Now that I don't react they have started feeling bad for mean comments and telling me they don't mean it. One of them brought me a picture with my name on it. I had no idea he knew how to spell my name! Then the other one asked me to play with him. All because I disengaged when they said something mean
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION: i am a
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION: i am a ss and became one not to long ago so i have some things to say about this. first, to be with the man you love and who loves you is amazing and maybe some mixed homes are beter than others, but some things that will not change and remain constant in almost all mixed homes are as follows:
child support- this means that a portion of money will be spent on them plus whatever they want while they are in visitation with you guys. this is something that , has to be paid and is understandable but when you have kids together the money that is being spent during visits will be less you can spend on your kid(s).
visitation- normally a co determines when the kids come over. this will be like stone for the most part and if your bday ot anniversary falls on this oh well the kids will be there to celebrate which can be a pain in the *** The kids behavior toward you is somethin that is fixable if both adults work toward this.
There will be less time for you and him which can cause problems.(my bf is not off much and when he is its with them and i am very deprived of attention i deserve and need)
its not over at 18- financially a man will always want to do for their lil angels (college, weddings, etc. and this takes from the income you have)
**a man will make the decision on what they want to do for their kids and u may have a say so but you can not come between a man and his kids no matter how much the man loves you.
SO I AM NOT SAYING TO NOT TRY IT JUST BE AWARE THAT IT IS A LONG, EMOTIONAL, TRYING SITUATION. THAT IT IS NOT EASY TO DEAL WITH SKIDS. WORDS CAN NOT EXPLAIN THE THTNGS A SPARENT GOES THROUGH. ENTER WITH CAUTION I WOULD NOT JUMP INTO THE MARRIAGE RIGHT AWAY MAYBE TRY TO OBSERVE HOW THINGS WILL BE IN THE FUTURE AND TRY TO GET PASS THE PERIOD THAT IS A FRONT TO REAL U IN WAIT UNTIL A PROBLEM ARISES AND SEE HOW SO HANDLES IT AND THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU AN IDEA BE CAREFUL BECAUSE ONCE U HAVE KIDS THEN IT ONLY GETS MRE COMPLICATED
You may want to read up on
You may want to read up on developmental milestones, so that your expectations of behavior for a 3 and 2 year old are reasonable. You're making a big deal out of normal toddler behavior. Yes, rules should be enforced. Reasonable rules that are made very clear and consistently enforced by you and your DH would be ideal. Please do not take the PP's advice about "paddling" your stepkids. That is a huge no-no, and could land you in a world of hurt. Time-outs, re-directing, calm conversations, loss of toys/privileges, all of these are acceptable. Physically disciplining a child that isn't yours? Absolutely not.
So from what I am reading
So from what I am reading there are two critical points.
1. Familiarize yourself with the developmental milestones of children so you can understand what is "normal".
2. Find a way to work with SO to agree on acceptable behavior and consequences for poor behavior. If you two can't agree, find a blended family therapist to help you hash it out.
My first instinct is to tell
My first instinct is to tell you to RUN do not walk to the nearest exit. I have been with my DH for 10 years going on 11 in June. BM is a total nut job and my DH's way of handling it is basically ignoring her. Whilst things have gotten better, the situation has been an almost impossible one to navigate. Although my Skids have the utmost respect for me, there are times when they will pull rank. By pulling rank I mean, if I say no to something they'll go to Daddy and he, 9 times out of 10, buckles. BM is a complete loon. JUST yesterday she sent my DH a text at 5:55am that said "I need a thermometer & Im almost out of Motrin and So&So has a fever that won't go down." Mind you, we live 40 miles away from her. My DH didn't even respond. He's so over her insane requests that he just ignores her most of the time. But back to you, if you want to live a peaceful life of love & lust then find a man with no kids and if he has to have kids check out what type of relationship there is with the BM first. This can get REAL ugly, just read all the posts from the SMoms on this blog.
Another part of me will tell you that I love my DH to death. I am fully aware that the Skid situation is a TEMPORARY thing and that ONE DAY it will be just us. But as CH21 stated, there are SO many details to take into account. Right now they might seem like you can handle them but once you're thrown into the situation, you might not feel the same.
I started dating my DH when
I started dating my DH when SS was 1.5 and SD was 3. She was a miserable handful from the very beginning. AM walked out on them so she had separation anxiety to the point of having to go into the bathroom with her dad and following him around the house every minute of the day.
She turned 14 yesterday and she is still a miserable handful, but now she has hormones. Yea fun!!!
See my latest post to see how she is treating me now, but it has NEVER been this good and I am not sure it will last very long.
DH and I got married almost a year ago and I am one of the "lucky ones" because even though we are married, we do not live together. Not only is the house too small, but his kids rule his roost, and I refuse to live there with my DD14.
I do not ever suggest living together to see if things get better, because most of us feel trapped once we get there and next thing you know...it's 15 years later and it's no better. I have refused to move in with my DH until he gains control of his house. I realize this means that I may not live there until his kids move out, but that's the only way it can work for us.....
My FH & I had this issue with
My FH & I had this issue with then SD5...after many bratty games on my part (I won't do diddly for you if you're being ugly to me kinda stuff). He was shocked when I first let my brattiness out to play & we did have words a few times, but to be fair, why was I going to bend over backward only to be treated like crap from a half-pint? He didn't like it but went along with it to see if it would work & it did...although I always made sure that she was well aware of what I was doing. She understood & 2 years later we hardly run into that particular issue. A line I used on her (ONCE) in a bizzarly ugly incident was "while your attitude is horrid, mine is older, bigger & badder...no matter how nasty you get, I will always win!"...yes...my bratty side.
I have to say though...unless your SO is willing to work with you (reiterate your authority/right to respect) you won't get anywhere & it will get worse with age. Plus you don't know what BM is up to as far as what she says to your SD...not to mention the other fun stuff that will creep up just because she's a girl & a Skid
If you're going to stick around, get creative, work on an angry/hurt face & find your patient place
My boys were slower at
My boys were slower at communicating that my girls. At first I thought the boys were retarded, then I realized they were just being boys. In fact, one of the first phrases my son learned is "I don't want to talk about it right now Mommy". LOL.
SD is out to eliminate you from daddy's life. How's it working for her so far? Is she getting under your skin? These little ones are very capable of spotting your weaknesses and capitalizing on them.
You have all the opportunity in the world to work this situation out in a good way. You are a visitor right now, but it will probably get better for you because she is really young. MIL is probably right.
It is hard for me not to say
It is hard for me not to say "run" but if you really are wanting to do this then you must go into this with your eyes OPEN. When things bother you - say something. If you have daddy on board with you it makes it 10000x's easier for Everyone!!
It will not change at all when you move in together; it will get worse. She is testing you; trying to find out how much she can get over on you; if daddy will "pick" her side.
Don't let them see you fight (this is our number one mistake)
Once they smell your fear - it's over.........LMAO
Good luck to you