I think you need a new therapist as well. Who the heck thinks that an 11 year old dictates who has authority over them.....? This therapist is a straight idiot and must not have children at all.

Throw her advice straight out the window....... it was not worth the time of day to receive it.

SD is at a trying time in her life and it is about to get worse with her going into her teenage years...... BF better get a grip - cause if not.... He is going to experience some things he may not want to.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

I agree, you need to find SD a different therapist. Anyone who tells you that you have no control in your own home is a quack. I have discussed a similar situation with my SD's therapist and her therapist said that I have every right to be involved in the rule making, disciplining and anything else that SD does that may affect me or anyone else in my home. Don't believe that quack therapist for one second.

And imagr8tma is right, your BF better soon get a grip....cause teenage years are right around the corner and it will get a lot worse before it gets better.

Good Luck!

Completely wrong. Children need leadership to guide them and if DH doesn't step up, that leaves you. Too bad if the 11 year old doesn't like it! I would see someone else.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

You need to find a therapist who is 'blended family' friendly. You are a parent period.

SD is 11 years old, and the therapist wants you to step away??WTF? Find a new therapist. Find a therapist that believes in the family, including blended families. If this therapist cant see that you can be a positive influence on this young girl, well she may have person issues that she is throwing into this situation .

I dont support her suggestions at all.

The therapist is absolutely right. You are a step-parent and totally powerless. Stop feeling that you wasted your time you tried and it didn't work thats all. Here's what I did:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives.

This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

Then they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be happy with their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. I never made it a judgement.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

I understand what the therapist is saying...but empowering an 11 year old to dictate over who has jurisdiction over her is wrong.
Now of course this depends on the situation. If this 11 year old still has her biological mother and is seeing her...YES, back off. You are not her mother and step out ofthe parent role. Most dh's i see do guilt parenting..but that is their problem. If you have a problem with your sd, then chew your husbnad ass out and make his life miserable. That's all. Whenever i have a problem witht he stepkids, i claw my husbnad to the point of madness until he gets to them. ANd i dont relent either.
BUT, you mentioned 5 yrs..out the window....maybe this girl has no mother, maybe she's passed...that being the case, then you are a guardian of the girl and she should realize this and respect it and your dh' should back you up as a team. Then the therapist should focus on loss of a mother and seeing another figure but not to replace..just to see a new mother figure. Its hard. I lost my mother. I call my stepmother , ma...all the time. She is a mother figure. She idd't replace my mother but she is a mother herself. Why take that respect away from her? I've had my disagreements with her...but i do like her. alot.

What a conundrum! I thought about this a while and at first I thought what an idiot therapist. But then I thought about my own life and that's exactly what I do or don't do..I do not parent my steps at all. Drives my DH crazy, but when I receive the "what are YOU going to do about it" or "you're not my mom" statements I just decided to let them go for my own peace of mind. Let BM and DH raise the little mothers. That way no one can blame me when they end up in jail. I do not believe however that sd11 is the way she is because of your setting rules and enforcing them - that I don't understand. Any child living under anyone's roof should live by the rules of the adult in the home and expect consequences if they do not abide by them. Matter of fact I beleive even if the child is an adult and living under your roof they should live by your rules. Go get your own home and you can live "free".

Maybe you should try a little disengaging - see how she likes that. She'll probably then start saying you don't like her, you don't love her, you don't care etc. You can never win being a stepparent.

I had a therapist tell me to back off and let my DH be the parent. The therapist also said I was doing too much. The therapist also brought up that my ss9 had problems with me because I was doing everything he wants his BM to do. It took about a year before I took this advice and things are better. Because I backed off it forced DH to step up to the plate. My DH was the biggest guilt parenter ever until I backed off.

I do think you need a new therapist though. What child is allowed to dictate anything?

I actually have the opposite problem. I have no desire to parent my SS at all..if all the hell breaks loose around me with Bf being the guilt ridden daddy that he is..I simply walk away and couldn't care less. My Bf's son has a mother and a stepfather and a dad, so honestly I don't see my role in his life other than another adult in his life. When he comes to talk to me or ask me something then of course I will be involved but other than that when he is at our house, I leave everything to BF. I think in your case you actually want to parent your SD and for that you deserve alot of admiration. Parenting someone else's child is very hard especially if you and the child do not have a good bond. No I don't agree with the therapist in that the child can pick and choose who she will listen to. But I agree with the therapist in that you should back off. Not necessarily only for the sake of the child but your own sanity. If you continue to give and give but not given the back up you need from you BF and with SD not appreciating anything that you're doing you will wear yourself out. You do not need to sacrifice your sanity and soul to "save" this girl. Put your energies into more constructive things to build yourself up and make yourself happy. Spend time with family and friends, volunteer, get a pet, develop a hobby and spend quality time with BF and build that relationship. Hope all goes well!

i agree with orange county. you need to back off, but i dont agree with everything the therapist said either. kids need limits and rules. my husband and i with my stepson (soon to be my actual son sets the rules. when our new baby gets older he will abide by the same rules and my stepson. there will be special treatment just because his my biological child.