Happy to have found this site. I really thought I was the only woman who felt this way. My gf has a 6yr old daughter and frankly I am past the boredom of this relationship. We don't go out or hang with friends. Her BD acts as though it's my kid. They both want me to discipline their kid. Now we have only been in a relationship for 2yrs, and it's getting to point where I am just done. The SD acts as though she is on age level with me, he mothers continues to buy her things even if she's not showing improvement in her ways towards me. I don't discipline her at all I feel that their place as her parents but it's getting to the point where she's getting worse and honestly I feel bad because I just flat out don't like her kid. I moved from my home state here in Florida with her and now it's like I'm a parent over night. Smh, I'm only 28 and children aren't on my agenda right now. I always wanted to build a bond with a child who I didn't have to always consult someone else about. Help!

I'm so happy I found this site i could cry.... I really thought i was unnatural and bad for not wanting to be around my partner's kids. they're not BAD kids as such, just lazy, spoilt and have no manners. I don;t like children anyway, ive never felt the maternal urge to have any. I'd never dated someone with kids before and stupidly thought it would all be ok. We have them every weekend, and i feel myself starting to tense up come Friday afternoon, just knowing they'll be here soon. We've been together about 18 months and living together not quite a year. i just HATE the lack of privacy, the mess they leave, their demands and their bad attitudes. they're such greedy kids, and it doesnt help their father just gives them what they want all the time (no kid needs 10 damn ice blocks in one day!!!). i'm trying to figure out ways i can be out of the house all weekend (i work every second one so that makes it easier) but as much as i love my partner, i dont know if i can handle another 10 years before they leave home.... the thought makes me want to cry.

Hi,

Its nice to know this is a common issue. I think when we meet a man that already has kids, we have a rose tinted idea that we will get to know them and start to love them as our own.

I too feel bad but accept this is just not the case.

I have one child and my partner has two. His X is an awful manipulative cow that uses the kids as a weapon. His youngest bumbles along and is generally easy... a bit thick skinned and hard to get through too.. he ignores me (and his father) a fair amount. His issues are normal young boy issues, he will manipulate his father by pretend crying and pretend nightmares to come into Dad's bed.

Its easy to see manipulation as an outsider.

This is all manageable, but the eldest (9) is simple dreadful. I do feel sorry for him because none of it is his fault, he desperately needs help but is just not getting it...

He is microscopic for his age
He only eats select foods (Father and mother tried everything but gave up and panda to his every need)
He is very insecure and feels the needs to boast and brag a lot
He is very negative about others and extemely quick to belittle
He can not handle anything not going his way and has a vile temper that results in swearing, shouting, I wish you were dead and chasing my son across the house to kick and punch him.

The issue is not so much what the kid is or isn't doing, it is how it is being handled! I am pretty sure the Dad feels guilt for their family split (she cheated) and he is FAR too soft. There are very little rules and what rules there are are very vague and he applies an in your own time mind set about it.

He says that these behaviours traits in his son are 'normal kid things'.... I can not disagree more. He seem to think they will all sort themselves out.

This poor little bastard is crying out for discipline... he is lost and 'no that's not nice' just DOESNT suffice!

I can not stand being about him, he is either boasting or kicking off.... I've tried to see past it.. but its not getting better and I can only see it getting worse.

Plus it will rub off on the younger one.

I would not be at all surprised if the X is saying... Daddy would rather spend time with his new mrs and her kid, which is of course fuelling the kids fire.

I am scared to talk to my partner because he seems SO blind to it and only every says; 'your son does annoy him. Maybe, but that is no excuse for resulting behaviour.. Plus, I've watched very closely and what annoys is the fact my son does not rise to his sons boasting and then his son kicks off.

I'm encouraging my son to continue not to rise to it and perhaps say, 'that's nice glad you enjoyed it'... but mine being so confident and self assured he aids the worse side of his sons problems.

I don't see this as my problem, I think Daddy needs to teach his son not to excuse his behaviours but deal with it.

I'm actually quote scared of what this child might turn into.. Daddy thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread... Nope, he is the most awful child I know.

I wish he only had his youngest... they would work ok.

Im a parent that only has a few rules but those I have are important and Im tough about.. No swearing, respect others, be kind etc...

You are not a bad person, you are human and quite normal. You will find that many of us on this site feel the way you do and use this site as a resource to vent and feel normal.

I dont like my sk's either and I spent many years depressed about it because I felt that i was a horrible person because of my feelings. The bond between SM and Sk's is not natural and automatic. If a SP and SK have a good relationship its because both of them wanted it that way. Both parties have to be willing to accept and be open to the relationship for it to work. If one party is not open to it, it derails all efforts and causes frustration.

thank you for your info

I hate my SKIDs too - SD4 and SS6. SD4 is okay now, she's sweet if you make the effort to engage her and be girly with her. After an hour or so she resets and goes back to ignoring me so I just make the most of my time with her.

SS6 on the other hand is just rude, lazy and mouthy. He turns 7 soon and only recently learnt to wipe his own bottom after i insisted to FH that he teach him.

FH pays for an annual holiday in Europe for 8 weeks with BM until SD is 14. It's BS but right now i'm just counting down the days to when they leave.

I just worry that my 4 month old daughter will one day realise that her bratty brother and sister get special treatment over her. I'm not overly strict but my SKIDS get away with stuff my own daughter would never get away with.

They are strange kids. My friends who have visited the house agree. they don't greet anyone, they don't respond when spoken to - sometimes they do that to their dad too. i figured if i disengage, I avoid disappointment. If i don't talk to them, I don't have to feel ignored.

everyone keeps saying they are just kids. Just kids my arse!! I have a niece and nephews aged 4, 3, 3 and 2. I can go for months without seeing them but when I do, they are super sweet and adorable and we pick up from where we left off as if I last saw them the day before. Not my SKIDS.

The house is a tip when they are around. FH will have a 12 pack of beer and when I walk into the lounge after a nap with my baby they are all sitting on the couch like zombies watching TV surrounded by filth. His excuse is kids will always be messy. I agree - but surely adults should give kids structure. I find it hard being the one to dish out any instructions on cleaning up or bad behaviour to the kids because during their visitation it means that's all i will be saying. I have lost all interest in them...and yes they are only 4 and 6.

Talk about misery.

I don't like being around my SS9. He irritates me, i have to constantly repeat myself with him. It's finally gotten to the point where i really don't talk to him much. His father doesn't care if his son sits in front of a TV all day or goes on PS3 and plays video games all day. On Sundays i usually leave the house so my partner and his son can bond, i really don't care at this point what he does with his son (i used to complain to him that he needs to do more out door activities but that conversation is one sided). All i know is when it comes to our daughters (17 months and i am 9 months with another girl) i will make the rules, and there is no way that i am raising my daughters the way he and his stupid ex raise their son. He ignores his children a lot so i see that my girls will definitely be closer to me than with their father in the future. If i had known that being a step parent would suck this much, i would have never gotten involved with my partner.

Speaking for myself, I would be just fine if I never saw any of my skids again.

It really is good to know there are others out there that feel this way. it "i figured if i disengage, I avoid disappointment. If i don't talk to them, I don't have to feel ignored." That is EXACTLY the philosophy I've taken up with my Step daughter, who is now 16, she was 7 when her mother and I got married. She's always been challenging, but she used to give me unsolicited hugs all the time. Now, on two different occasions, once at 13, once about a week ago she screamed, multiple times that she hates me and her mother, along with just about every other curse you could think of. And it wasn't just for show, the next day I proceeded to take all of her stuff and lock it away, stuff meaning: games, phones, non essential stuff, and I found a note she had hid inside a game case, to me. I was called every nasty name under the sun, wished to hell, hope I fell on my back (she knows I have back issues) etc., etc. I was not meant to find this note. She really feels that way. Her mother and I have questioned her for years asking where all this hate came from, to no avail. I really do not want her in my house anymore. She is one of the most self centered, ungrateful, destructive people I've ever known. She's already ruined her younger brother with her twisted view of reality and I don't want my 6 year old son to suffer the same. I've approached her every way possible. If I'm stern, I'm an asshole, if I'm passive, I'm an asshole, if I'm indifferent, I'm an asshole. I'm just done wasting time, effort and emotional energy on her. I've cried my tears over her choices and I just want her gone. She has been the epicenter of every major drama in this house and I am sick of it. Thanks for listening to a weary step father.

I'm so glad I'm not alone I've felt like a monster for hating my SD but no mater how hard I try and how much effort I've put into her I just can't find anything about her that's good.
I've been with my partner for just about 2 years and his daughter is now 4. My partner is a great dad but a lazy parent and so is his ex wife. SD is the most dirty lazy spoiled child I have ever met and has zero personality. I usually love kids but this one just has nothing going for her she's not even slightly cute she really is a child only her family can love.
She attacks my children and other peoples and I'm not talking about just hitting I've caught her with her fist shoved down my little ones throat trying to choke him I've caught her several times trying to gouge little ones eyes and she even once tryed to attack my toddler with a fork to his face. I can't even go to the bathroom when she is around if their is no adult to watch her.
She is treated like a princess by her dad their is always excuses.
She will spit on people the floor and walls she will play in poo and will dribble and eat her snot all the time unless I keep on her case. She won't use words if she can get away without them so its noises grunts and half words like da instead of dad but when she has to she can talk. She even has her father lifting her in and out of bed because she crys all the time pretending she can't but she does it when I tell her to.
Toilet training is a nightmare she knows how to use the toilet but won't most of the time I have to make her go or she will just poo or wee herself, in her words she doesn't want to.... amazing for a child that can't seem to say one full word.
She arrives her filthy and showering her is a nightmare she screams and crys the whole time and within an hour she's rubbed spit snot and anything else all over herself.
She breaks the other kids toys she hates me being near her dad and clings to him like glue she will only do something if she will get something in return. She ignores adults if she is told to do something and people who come around the few that still do don't like her near them.
We can't even get a babysitter for her because no one will watch her my partners friends are included in this one even said she should have been an abortion.
Because her BM is a lazy smelly slob my partner wants us to have her full time but I'm not even coping with every second weekend I red her arriving here.
I've tryed to go out when she is around but then my partner sulks and the house gets covered in pee and poo and she breaks stuff and draws on the walls. If I don't parent her it just doesn't get done she's even ruined the bed I got her from pulling her pull up off and peeing all over it and he won't even strip the bed or wash the sheets and blankets.
I'm at my wits end I hate my SD just about everyone does and I can only see it getting worse. I feel trapped I won't to leave but their are reasons I can't. Sorry this is so long its not even close to everything but this is the 1st place I've ever found where their is support and not judgment.

You have a very similar position to me. I cannot abide the skid, to a level of hatred... But I wont leave our Bio kids here with him and his mum.

I count the days down until he leaves but its years away.

It gets harder and harder, but I am not leaving the bio's.

Hi my names becky,
Im new to this but i have a situation in hoping sm1 can help with and give there advice on and tell me what they think
So i have been with my boyfriend 1year+ he is black cb, we now live together he has 2 biological children mix race black 10 and 8 and 2 non biological children 6 and 4 mix race pakistani that he takes on as his own all to the same mum, we have all 4 of the children every weekend also my own daughter who's 4 mix race black who lives with us, i dont have a problem with having all 4 of his children as i new about them from day 1 and i think its amazing what hes doing there should be more people out there like that, now when we first got together he used to go up to his kids mums some times do a few jobs in kids bedrooms and fix things for her and look after them there wal she went out and go back home when she was back i spoke to him all the time wal he was there (text,call,skyp)and to be honest i trusted him and had no problems with him goin there to look after the kids as his appartment was way too small for them all to stay at his so when he had them on weekends he could not take them all at once now his ex has a 5th child who's 2 mix race pakistani which my boyfriend says he does not class as his own his the other 2 he does and my boyfriend is also on all 4 birth certificates and they all take his name exept the 5th child who has not got the same name and my boyfriend is not on the birth certificate my boyfriend did also look after this child at his kids mums when he looked after the rest of his kids to help her own and make it easy dint see a problem, before i got with my boyfriens he did not look after this child away from his exsvthen one day and a few times after before we moved in together he rang me and said is it ok if we take the 5th child and have him over night as i spend every day with him and the other kids were stayin at there grandmas and so we had him then a could of times after we had him for an hour or so wal the others was at skl now when we moved in together and his ex found out we had moved in together she was not happy and said she did not want me around her kids and cause many problems and tried to split us up which did not happen so she stopped my boyf from seein this kids he did not get to seee his kids thru the skl holidays and so because of what she did i toldmy boyfriend to stop goin up to her house and dont do any thing for her as she said he can only see them if he went up to her house and so he stopped it all untill she gave us as she wanted a night out and allowed him to take the kids and have them for the weekend but he could only have them if he took the 5th child too and so he did because he was missin his kids and would do anything for them now heres my biggest problem he takes the 5th child every weekend now with out her tellin him to and seems to have got a fatherly bond with the child and he calls him dad becauae he heres thw other kids call him that he told him a few times to call him by his name but smtimes answers to dad???????!!!!!! So when i pull him up on it he says its too much hard work correctin him every two mins hill tell him when he gets a bit older this kid gets a lot of attension from my boyfriend and it hobestly pisses me offf am i over reactin?? Plzz help!!!! Sorry i have gone on a bit as my messageis so long but i gad to tell but story and get it off my chest so much more i coulsay but im not lol .....

I've been together nearly 12 years with my DH. He has three children from a previous relationship; a preteen and two older teenagers. We have one we share together. I never thought I would be at this end of step parenting. All those 11 years I had poured my heart into his kids as my own, it back fired on me. All along, it hit me that the SKS just hate me and no matter what I do I will never win them over. I realized I do have higher expectations for them and they don't realize that my intentions were never bad. I always wanted the best for them, but since I had been the only one parenting them because DH works so much and BM just sees them every other weekend I was the one to discipline them. I became the worst person in the world. 11 years feels like it went down the drains within a blink of an eye. They no longer talk to me and it's me and my child against them. My DH has now decided to take over on the discipline but it's far too late. I feel so helpless. All I wanted to do was help my DH with his stress by taking over. It was a wrong choice... I don't even know my role in this house because I feel that they have taken over the whole house. I had threatened divorce, but I love my DH.. when it's me and him we're bliss... when it's comes to him AND them it's another story. I don't expect him to choose them over me. All I want is respect and I don't even get that. They pretend to be a certain way when he's around, but as soon as leaves to work it's another story. It's so sad that they chose to resent me because I held them accountable for their actions I was all a sudden the crazy step mom. It's not that I don't like them, it's just sad that I saw the realization of a "blended family" really is and no one will understand your situation unless they have been in our shoes. I hope one day they will see my intentions maybe never all I can do is hope and try to stick this out by not taking it so personal and not expecting so much. There's no perfect. I'm glad now I'm not the only one...

Thank Goodness.

I have been feeling like I am the worse person alive because I just cant seem to bond with my SS. Its not there. I get irritated and angry when he is coming over and I really do try to fight these feelings. I can't even explain it. I know some is from the BM she is not nice and has cost us a lot of hassle and money and I can't seem to separate them. I was considering going into counseling to help me cope with this, I though it was just me.
My kids are grown and dont live with us, but we have him one day a week and every other weekend, and I hate to say it but I dread those times.

I have tried everything to get over this feeling,but I can't shake it or seem to control it. He is not mine I can't raise him like he was. Manners and picking up after yourself should be normal, but he is JUST learning about them and of course I am the bad guy.

My Husband wants so much for us to be a "family" together but he know's I have not bonded and sometimes he tries to push it and that makes it worse. He (husband) will say things like tell XXXX that you love him too, and when were dropping him off he will be like hug him. You can't force those things if they don't come naturally.

I have a grasp of how it started and would love someone to talk to about it, I feel like its bottled up inside and I have no one to reach out to about it.

Hi. My situation is totally different.
So, my husband has a daughter who his never met. Welll she was taken away from him when she was 6 months old to another country. He refused to marry her mother and so she took the child away. Before we got married, he said he could no longer be broken by this situation and that he wanted to move on. I had to really think about what I was letting myself into as I had no children or no prior boyfriend.
His daughter is now 21, for the last 5 years they have sent text messages, or a skype twice a year. However he keeps changing his mind on if he wants to have communication with her. I have never wanted her into our lives, even more so now that we have children, as she has openly said shes jealous. I dont want our home life to change to allow her into it. When she texts its like she becomes my husband's secret and we get distant as it reminds him of his past. I just feel like its 21 years too late. And why keep changing your mind. either you want communication or you dont. I personally dont like her.. She added me on facebook so she could see the children her father and i have together, and then it makes her jealous and shes more jealous now that her father and I have a son together. I just want our family to stay the same without her init. I think he should've made his decision years ago. but I really dont feel like I can let a 21 years old into our family structure now.. and I really dont want to...
The texts alone separate our family and he still doesnt know what he wants.
But he says shes not a priority and most of the time he doesnt want to speak to her... To me, its like everyone is going to suffer. He treats me like a queen.. he is an amazing father to our 2 children.. he does everything for them. Probably more than I do.
Should I OPEN THE DOOR and let the jealous 21 years old into our family. shes a stranger... his already said he cant speak plain to her, as we will all need to be on egg shells in her presence.

Man and I thought I had problems. Future SS9 and SD7 are lazy, leave food wrappers everywhere, don't put away their clothes after I end up doing the laundry because they are too lazy to help, too lazy to even rinse their dishes and put them in the sink (noooo, I find them all over the place in the house) keep using more dishes instead of the cup they already have, can't do a few simple chores like taking garbage out, aren't even motivated by the prospect of an allowance. BM takes them and buys them more toys all the time even though they have tons of toys already in their jam packed and filthy rooms that they refuse to clean. Won't do their homework on their own, are always whining and fighting with each other and I feel bad when my poor little 3 yo daughter is over because they try and monopolize my time, are picking on her sometimes to which she won't take so she picks back and then they go whining to their BM that she is being mean to them. I thought I was really in love with their BM, and I love her but I just don't feel in love with her much anymore since we have moved in together, I have to deal with the skids BS 24/7 because their bio dad is nowhere in the picture but thankfully he does send child support. Kinda wish I would have been able to just be happy in my loveless previous marriage, but I had tried too long to Jump Start that I just couldn't do it anymore. I get along better now with my daughters bio mom on a friend level, I wish I could move back in and just be roommates with her instead of dealing with lazy incompetence.

At least they are not there all the time and you get a small reprieve. Maybe you can have pre planned activities for yourself on the weekends you know they are coming. You might have more patience for them after coming home from something you really enjoyed doing. Oh and wine I find it helps lol.

No, you are not a bad person. I was hoping over time I would develop a maternal bond with my Ssons but I never did even after 9 years of knowing them. They mostly live with their mom. Many times I am happy when they leave after a weekend at my house. They recently moved out of state so we no longer get to see them during the week and honestly it doesn't bother me at all. They are now 11 and 14 and all they do is play Xbox. I feel mush less stressed when I don't pay as much attention to them when they are at my home. The older one can be so mean to the younger one and I feel bad for him since the younger one is shy. People on this board suggest it is better not to try to bond with the kids. So that is what I am going to try to do.

I cannot describe how happy I am to discover this place and so many other people who feel as I do.

For the longest time I've felt like the worst person in the world. I dread my SS's visiting each holidays. It is not that they are bad perse, it is just that I haven't been able to bond with them, despite many attempts. Most of my issues are with the oldest SS, who just seems to constantly push my buttons. He talks constantly. Not just a lot, but constantly. It is impossible to watch a tv show with him in the room as he narrates what is going on. If you are doing something he will tell you how you should be doing it. He'll ask questions just so he can tell you the answer to show off how smart he is. He butts in on conversations whether they are private or not. It has gotten to the point that my husband and I have to retreat to our bedroom just to be able to talk without him listening in from around the corner or trying to butt in. On top of that, he is constantly trying to push boundaries with my husband, snoops in our cupboards when my husband is in the shower so he won't get caught, leaves trash around the house, and I even caught him once recording an argument my husband and I were having on his iPod. Every time he is here I feel so unbelievably uncomfortable in my own house, that I've recently started having panic attacks when he visits. My husband hasn't put two and two together, and realised the panic attacks only occur when SS's are here, and I've not said anything as I know it pains him that I haven't bonded with them. I cry when I am in the bathroom and my husband can't see me as I don't want to upset him. He knows I find it difficult when they are here, so he takes the boys out to do things to give me a break, which I love him for, but it honestly makes me feel so absolutely awful.

The thing that bugs me most is that I am the one parenting both of the boys. My husband lets the boys off because he wants to be the cool holiday Dad and their Mum, well, she seems to be just lazy. Every time they are here I have to get on their backs about basic hygiene such as showering daily and brushing and washing their hair, despite them now being teenagers, and having taught them this each and every time they visit. I'm the one that makes sure bed times are adhered to, chores are done. Eldest SS needs to be told repeatedly to do things, and just ignores if I ask when his dad isn't about, and despite my husband telling him off there is no punishment, and the pattern continues because he knows he can get away with it.

SS's are so thoughtless about others it really upsets me. Each time they visit for Easter, birthday or Christmas they immediately want to know what presents they got, but they never give their dad a present. They don't even call him for his birthday. When I ask why they don't even give their dad a Christmas card the excuse is "they forgot". I've asked them what they would think if one year we forgot to get them something for Christmas.....they agreed they wouldn't like it but still they make no effort to show their dad any thought or care in this area. And of course, I'm never acknowledged for birthdays or Christmas either. I started buying presents for my husband on behalf of SS's but my husband asked me to stop because he knew the gifts were from me not them. I just can't believe they could be so thoughtless in this area especially after I explain to them each yet how much i hurts their father. They are the same with other relatives. They just want to know what gifts they are getting.

The thing is I know my husband finds it difficult too, when they are here, although he won't admit it to himself, let alone me. I can see he is physically relieved when they go home, so I don't want to burden him more to explain just how difficult I find it or that my panic attacks are related. My husband has talked about how in a few years time the eldest might want to come to live with us while he goes to college, and I am having nightmares about how I am going to cope. I'm at my wits end after 1 week, I really couldn't cope if he lived here full time. I can see my husband is worried about the thought of it too, but again doesn't want to admit it. I wonder sometimes if he wants me to say no, he can't stay with us so he has an excuse......

The thing is, my husband and I are perfect when it is just the 2 of us. We honestly couldn't be happier. I wish it was just the 2 of us all the time, as awful, cold and heartless as that makes me sound. I was hoping things would get better with time, but they only seem to be getting worse.

I was beyond happy to find this... I have a boyfriend of 4 years. He has a now 7 year old son by his ex-wife. They have 50/50 custody. So every other week we have him. They never were actually "together" as a family while his child was growing up. They were both in the military so the child was passed back and forth to each other for a year at a time or less and then with grandparents. When we first started dating I just thought he was a kid and being annoying and weird was part of that... but as he got older and older I realized his behavior WAS NOT like other kids his age that I have ever encountered or knew. He does not like to play outside, he does not like to play with toys, he would rather just follow us around and ask questions that do not pertain to anything or tell us stuff that is very, very random. He will stand in places and just stand there. Not doing anything. Just standing there. He wore diapers until 6 years old and is now still wetting the bed at 7 years old. His first year in Kindergarten he was sent home at least twice a week with a note for bulling other students. I watched him also intentionally hurt my dogs to make them yelp. I tried to step in and help many, many times. I have given up at this point because when he has a mom and dad very much in his life 1 person trying to make a difference is exhausting. I have to follow him around and hag him just to do personal hygiene things... he lies he wont brush his teeth, he wont even go to the bathroom unless you tell him to. He leaves his garbage everywhere, pees all over the bathroom, refuses to eat anything we cook, listens to our conversations and repeats them, thinks he knows everything, says his mom is his best friend and he is going to live with her when he gets older. The mother doesnt deal with him. She hands him an iPAD or tells him watch TV or play video games so she doesnt have to address the issues. While I am against children being zoned out in front of electronics, we dont allow that at our house except on Weekends if he behaved throughout the week. Then we will let him watch TV. Thats it. He doesnt know of anything else going on around him if he is watching TV or on an electronic. My boyfriend tries and certainly loves him but I can see he really stresses my boyfriend out also although he refuses to admit it. We cannot go out anywhere with him. When we do he is such a brat! You have to yell at him the entire time for doing things he isnt supposed to and then not listening. He says inappropriate things to random people. Its embarrassing. So I try to make plans for us to do things when he isnt with us. He is getting worse in school and teacher tells the parents that he just has no interest in stuff. I told my boyfriend I'm sure he has ADHD. It would explain ALOT since my boyfriend had recently been diagnosed and put on meds. It was brought up with the kids mom and she is completely against having him simply screened for ADHD. She openly said she does NOT want him to have it and that she will not listen to any doctor who mentions medications. So now my boyfriend and I have a baby together and its just so perfect when his son isnt there. We enjoy each other and have fun and do fun stuff. Now the mother she doesnt work around her sons schedule. She just plans her fun events and vacations and assumes my boyfriend and i are going to take him while she is gone. Meanwhile, I have to stress and plan all of our stuff around him because he is such a brat! And my boyfriend is a pushover, and his ex-wife walks ALL OVER him. Its so annoying! I cannot enjoy things like holidays with OUR baby with my family and stuff bc I cant bring him to my family's place in another state bc he still pees the bed, he was very disrespectful to my family everytime hes been around them and he does not listen. The entire time its me yelling at him. Its way to stressful for me. So I have to miss out on things because I cant leave my boyfriend. It sucks! Now I've been stuck in this state for 4 years bc of their 50/50 custody. Because they both live here and he cant leave. But the mother says shes packing up and moving in a few years and we can have the kid for the school year. wtf?! I think I would have to leave him. Even with our daughter. I would not be able to mentally nor emotionally handle him ALL the time. By the end of the week when we have him I hide in our bedroom just to get away. I have anxiety on the days we are going to get him back. I dread it. I know it sounds so terrible but I literally cannot stand the kid. He lies, talks back, he is very strange, doesnt want to do anything, disrespectful and spiteful. He lacks any sort of empathy as well. His school counselor told us we need to teach him empathy... at 7 years old. what?! I dont want my daughter even growing up around him... I dont want her to pick up his odd behavior. I dont know what to do... I am so stressed out I cannot take much more.

I am so happy to have found this thread. I am dating an older man, we are not married, but have been together for 5 years. His daughter is 8 and she is the bane of my existence. I have 2 kids (16 and 13), but they are older and my son does not live with us full time. When we first started dating, I was fine with her. But then we tried living together, it did not work out (house was too small, no privacy), so my kids and I moved out and lived with a roommate for about a year. We are now on round 2 of living together as one big family and while it is not terrible, I can definitely relate to what some of you are going through. I can't stand it when she is around. My boyfriend claims that I am "cold and distant" and doesn't know why. I admit that it is very hard for me to communicate that "I don't like your daughter." But I have tried to relay that information to him. I just know that if the tables were turned, and he couldn't stand my children, I would be so hurt and completely devastated. I definitely sympathize with the guilty-feelings that you all are having, as I am consumed by guilt. The reason why it's especially difficult is that the girl is a good kid! She is polite, has nothing but love for me, is as quiet as a mouse and doesn't ever display any bad behavior. So I know it's me! I know part of it is jealousy and my own insecurities. He constantly brags about how smart she is and wonderful and I just don't want to have anything to do with her. She is a constant reminder of his ex. And we are not married - no plans to get married - so I am particularly sensitive to the fact that his ex had something with him that I will never have. His ex is even nice! Some of the advice I get is to try to develop a bond with her that doesn't involve him...but I just don't want to! I have no interest in anything she does. I am jealous of the time and attention that she gets. I hate when she crawls into bed with us. I try to go out with friends or do my own thing on the weekends that she is with us. But sometimes even that is not enough. I get a small break from her every week, but I am finding that it is just not enough. I secretly hope that she eventually goes to live with her mother full time. It is the only thing that stands between me & my boyfriend's otherwise blissful relationship. It would be helpful to hear some coping strategies...what do you all do when it gets to be too much?

I love this site., you are not wrong .. I am exactly the same.. I am a very mumsy mum to 4 and I have a SS6..
I have hated myself and made myself feel ill with guilt because I can not tolerate him..
this site has made me realise I am allowed to have feelings, if people don't agree then that's fine!
I'm sure some people just spout about morals and how thing should be just to hide from the fact they too are far from perfect!
I love,raise and nurture my children I will do anything for them.. and if DH and SS's BM done a better job of raising their offspring.. than I wouldn't have such a hard job entering him in our home.
I know I'm not a bad person and a good mum. My relationship with SS is governed by their parental skills not mine!
They allow him to be rude, greedy, obsessed with his own wants, unable to do anything by himself not even open a crisp packet or put in shoes, unable to play, hold a conversation.. only time he talks is to 'want' something.. only time he plays is if my 2DD or 8DD had a toy.. etc ect .. on and on.. the issues are endless..
This site has enabled me to drop the guilt and man up!
I've spoken to DH .. I even took last weeend off and he was responsible for all 5 kids.. His son ended up on the naughty step and his behaviour was so bad DH felt he had to talk to BM about him writing hate letters about my DD8 and bullying behaviours..
Finally DH saw a glimpse of what I've been struggling with for 4 years ..

Don't feel bad.. we can only do our best.. if those raising the child are not doing that.. it's not your issue it's there's!

Omg i am glad i found this site. i have been locked in guilt for ages.

OKi have it lucky but i have to be firm with my partner in the begining. We have him sundays atm every week and it annoys me. Were not married yet and we have spoken about it, i have put it across by no certain terms what so ever am i gonna be a step parent. ill be honest i wish the kid never exists and i put off family dos with his side as all they talk about is the kid and its boring. This weekend alone, i meet the mum for the first time in the year we been together and she tried to make it so the kid comes, hell no. So now i worry that when she comes to see us after the SKid then all she is going to go on about is it and im dreading it already. Im planning to cut the convo short when it starts and everytime it starts with, "so anyways what else you been up to" as thats the best i got other then a yawn and eye roll.

He is the right person for me and he didnt even want this kid, and im grateful he isnt in his life much, but everytime the BM tried to pie the kid off to us so she could go out drinking, i refused and always will do. She made her bed..... she lies in it. I really do wish he didnt exist, We are NOT programmed as humans to accept other offspring and even most animals wont bring up someone elses offspring.

its bad that i have to go through this, when they should have the decorum to not go on about the skid when im present, as it really has nothing to do with me, And ill be honest, if she pushed for more then one day a week i would leave and he knows this. He dont stay over as he did once and fucked it up coming into our room at 3 am and then screaming and turning our computer on. So that never happened again and i wont even entertain the thought and my partner knows.

I dont know if his family expects me to be a step mom, but i gurantee you that will never happen

If there has ever been a time I would've listened to others advice it would've been regarding my marriage to my hi and with a child. No one goes into a marriage with a man with a child knowing what it entails. You can't predict the emotions you will feel. Do women or men go I tonore this knowing exactly the complications and emotions and feelings they will have? No! You can try to gauge how it'll be but reality is 100% different. I have a 10 year old stepdaughter who acts like she's 7. She's so immature. She's not bad by any means she's just the exact replica of her mother. Do you have to like every adult that you meet? No. Some people you just don't have compatible personalities so you don't like them or don't befriend them. Same goes for stepkids. I don't like her personality so why would I want to be right with her? I am respectful and kind and that's all we are obligated to be. Do I wish her mom would file for full custody and I'd never have to see her again, I wish that every second do every day. The biggest issue now is I don't want my one year old around her. My skin crawls when they interact. I do everything I can to keep them apart. It does not get easier. The only thing I can recommend is that if there is anyone out there debating whether or not to stay with someone with a kid- DO NOT stay. It will destroy your very being and personality and rob you of joy. It won't get better, it won't pass you will always feel this way and it only gets worse. I am currently debating leaving my husband because of it. I love him dearly but cannot stand his daughter. It's not worth it nor is it fair for anyone. Good luck and please take our a advice and get out now while you can.