Drama Between BD11 and SD7
I grew up in a blended family as my father's oldest daughter. He and my SM had two perfect angel daughters and I got treated like the live-in nanny (without the pay). I try to make sure I don't treat the skids the way I was treated, but I really have trouble sometimes because I am constantly put in a position where I feel I need to defend my BD11 from the SD7. DH is very supportive, but there still are days when I'd like to slap the teeth out of SD7's abusive little mouth.
SD7, much like her mother, is an adorable and innocent-looking manipulator with serious attention-seeking behaviors (everything from straight up defiance to muted baby talk and doe-y eyes). If sneaky doesn't get her what she wants, whining and innocent baby talk will follow. She also thinks its funny to see BD11 get in trouble. The behavior is infuriating and, because she targets my daughter, I feel like I need to step in on behalf of my daughter way too often.
BD11, much like her mother, is a take-charge tomboy in a pink tutu who does not generally suffer fools lightly and addresses manipulation very directly. She never initiates, but she doesn't "choose her battles" either. I frequently have to step in and redirect her before she explodes.
Given the extreme differences in their personalities, I'm sure you can imagine how well they get along. SD7's favorite game is to quietly say something backhanded to BD11, which sets her off. BD11, responding loudly and directly, snaps at SD7, telling her to "shut up and stop being stupid." By the time I come in the room, BD11 is in trouble for attacking SD7, SD7 is crying theatrically and denying she ever said a thing. BD11 is sent to her room because she's defending herself and is not going to quietly take getting in trouble for something started by SD7. Meanwhile, SD7 reaches out for a hug for her poor broken heart and smiles as BD11 is stomping up the stairs to her room. By the time everything is said and done, both girls are in their rooms, but BD11 feels betrayed and pissed.
This is an excellent way to
This is an excellent way to deal with a SD who likes getting your BD in trouble. Let them know that if ANYONE does ANYTHING they will ALL be punished then follow through with it.
I'm a snarky mouth youngest
I'm a snarky mouth youngest sister from an intact family. My parents would have let nature take it's course until I pushed big sister far enough to get my ass beat and learn my lesson.
I think it worked just fine.
Yep. I got to the point with
Yep. I got to the point with my bios, 5 years apart, that if they tattled on each other and I didn't see the offense and no slap marks, bruises or busted furniture....it didn't happen.
Stopped the tattling. I think DD even lied to keep DS out of trouble when he shot out the storm door window with a BB gun.
That's how my 3 boys roll. In
That's how my 3 boys roll. In fact, the youngest is getting big and can lay the slap down on his big brothers now. I don't let it get too out of hand as there is a lot of testosterone in this house but I let my youngest (smart mouthed and sassy also did the same thing about antagonizing the older two and screaming theatrically to get them in trouble) pay the price. He learned quickly. My middle child likes to brawl. My oldest is very gentle and doesn't fight but has a condescending way of putting one in his place. Now all three of them work stuff out with typically little drama.
Oh I feel for your DD! I've
Oh I feel for your DD! I've been in her shoes, albeit with my (full, bio) sister, not a step. My parents have even admitted (now) that they knew my sister instigated virtually ALL of our conflict. But at the time, they felt since I was the older sister, it was on ME to manage it. And I'd be the one in trouble when I flipped out on her.
I still say that's complete bullshit.
Look, I survived. Your DD will too. But I WILL tell you that letting this continue to happen will damage DD's relationship with SD, and will likely also damage YOUR relationship with your daughter. So... honestly, I'd step in, if I were you. Tell your SO that he is NOT to discipline your daughter for her interactions with SD. He should bring it to you and let you deal with it. That way you can talk to your DD and find out her side - and insist that if you're going to punish DD, that your DH has to punish HIS daughter for instigating. Both or neither, end of story.
I have a friend who raised 5
I have a friend who raised 5 kids. He tells me when they bickered the "punishment" was to hug each other for a full five minutes. Of course, the angry little kiddies hated it! But then they had to work together to make it tolerable and to avoid it in the future. Interesting.
But that was for full siblings in an in tact family. So different, as we all know.
My sd had a similar dynamic with her own little brother. She would fly under the radar provoking him until he burst into flames. Then he'd get in trouble. I watched this for about a year of marriage/courtship. Tried to figure out dh's gameplan. One day I was alone in the house with the 2 kids when it happened, dh was outside with hands full of chlorine, so basically benched.
I was so furious with the little saboteur that I didn't care what Dh would or would not have done. I had a come to jebus meetin' with her. I told her I knew she did it on purpose and she admitted she did (after trying to put lots of blame on ss first, which I did not fall for). She does it cuz she's "bored." I told her her dad thought she hung the moon and would walk into traffic for her. But I saw everything differently. That mistreating her brother was MY boundary she could not cross and from now on she would have to deal with me. If she wanted me making her miserable, just keep it up.
Stormed out of her room and told dh every word I said. He supported me, although he did not actually see or understand the dynamic that I saw between the two kids. He went in to her room and showed her that he supported me.
She tested me a couple times in the next couple hours and I handed her her ass.
Our house is now 98% "torture the little brother" free. Occasionally she tries something subtle and if dh doesn't speak up, I do. But mostly she has decided it's better to play with him nicely than to have to deal with me. Can I get an amen.