disengage without "giving up" control
i would love to hear some opinions on this...im working on disengaging...it is hard since i have been in charge of SD12 for a long time now. the fear of disengaging is that hubby will not be able to keep /enforce some house rules nad my BS10 will get confused about the house rules because he will have to follow them but not SD12. the house will end up -in a way- under HER rules set by what she wants and not want to do. that would be simply unacceptable for me.
im working on this a lot, i can do it sometimes and some others i just engage, but im getting better. at least I'm internalizing less and less. now i have to work on setting priorities: I decided that im not investing a "drop" of my energy on SD12 wellbeing or development..it is a lost battle. i no longer care if she showered, brushed her teeth or looks like a street lady when she goes to school. no my kid, no my problem. I tried educating her for many years ,im not longer able to do it, not should I do it. now i stopped doing things for her and hubby is stepping in..we will see how long it lasts.
i will only invest -and possibly engage- on things that have to do with my interests. our finances (like paying for expensive AND unnecesary things for her), the order in my house (she has to pick up her stuff, i dont care how entitled she thinks she is or how long her face is when i ask her) and manners in my house (if you cant eat properly at my table, you might have to eat in your room...honey).
this limits the "engaging" and still allows me to keep my house under some control, and be able to disengage without "giving" her a free ride about rules, and limitations in my house. I think the key is on not getting angry and trying to educate...THAT is when the problems start. i think if i shift the focus to me and i say for example "all that mess in the living room has to go because i dont want it here, i ask her to do it, ignore her face, and done. if not done, it goes to the trash...without drama...instead of "i cant belive how messy you are, that needs to change, you have to keep things in order, in this house we clear after ourselves, bla bla bla.
im liking the idea not only because i dont invest so much time energy, etc but because i can still keep a standand in my house and educate my BS10 my way.
one "step" at the time...is too many steps 
I have two other step mother
I have two other step mother friends and we have all come to the same conclusion as you. Disengaging. You end up tired and a worn out wife and mother otherwise. Hubby will keep stepping in and the balance improves. I disengaged early but unlike you got care of my SD at 14 so did not have as many responsibilities as you would have. Hope your son is ok and not too impacted by the bad behaviour. Keep going and get whatever time out or time with your son that you can to focus and recharge your energy doing relaxing things alone or fun things with him. Good luck!
Awesome Idea! I had to do
Awesome Idea! I had to do this with my middle SD. SHe can be EXTREMELY disrespectful in ways I've never seen in real life(only on supernanny) She thought she could get away with it for a long time. Till one day my hubby and I go into a fight be cause He yelled"calm Down!" at me in front of her, because I got mad that she was yelling at me and rolling her ees for the umpteenth time- shes 9 btw. I decided at that moment that I would only say things that had to do with keeping the common areas clean. If she didnt shower-oh well, if she didnt wanna eat what I was making-oh well, if she didnt brush her hair-oh well, if she didnt do what she knows her Dad wants her to do, but only I am here-oh well. He started Flipping out! He started noticing her manipulating and finally made her act right!!! He realized that I had been keeping things on track-and Im not crazy for having them clean their rooms and shower daily, or to say excuse me when addressing us instead of interrupting with Daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy! She now tries to pull that mess on him sometimes and she gets snatched up for it!
Hi there... I just found this
Hi there... I just found this forum. We haven't had our SS at our house for a while... long story with ex... and he's 17 and staying with us for an unknown time (another long story). I like how you disengage... that is smart. But, what do you do when simple things are being followed? For example, he has his girlfriend over all the time. I am tired of the constant other person being here. She is a sweet gal and friends with my daughter, who is 17 and at the same school. They aren't the closest of friends, but hang in the same group. Today, he asked if she could come over around 4:30ish (he is polite and very different than 2 years ago... phew!), but he told his GF to just walk in. I am not comfortable with that. Fortunately, I heard the door and got up. She thought it was locked, so she didn't walk in. I politely told her that she can just ring the doorbell as my daughter and I wouldn't want to be startled. How do you teach those "rules" that should be common sense?
I am not going to make it... The BM is inept as a parent and should not have the son full-time. We start intense therapy Thursday and I am afraid we will have custody (which I know would be good for SS), but I'm not ready to change my life like this. My life with my daughter the only one left at home was sooooo easy!
help!!
Im sorry but thats your house
Im sorry but thats your house and you need to set the rules. No human or animal is allowed in the house without ur permission. U dictate who comes in and when. If u and hubby wanna chill w/just family that day/week/month that's what goes. tell SS that you would like to spend time with just him right now for a while. When u wanna open the house up to company again u will inform him. Just my opinion...I dont have all my SKids'friends over all the time. We tell them when they can have company and that's one friend per skid (3)!
I guess this is what I am
I guess this is what I am trying to do with SD13 also. Problem is DH thinks he is "giving her a voice" by listening to her endless excuses and lies. She is just trying to manipulate him and it has worked for YEARS and I am OVER IT. So this past Sunday I told him if she does it today then cut her off, but he didn't so I tried to keep my mouth shut, but I finally did what I always do and told her that's enough. So once again I was the bad guy. I am really confused about how to disengage when my DH says he is finally realizing that he has let me be her target and he realizes now that she has just been manipulating him, but he still isn't stepping up. The counselor says it has to be him to "confront" her on her bs, but he isn't and I will not listen to it!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!
hello Bsmom and
hello Bsmom and smile4menow222, i hear your stories and you sound so much like me, im by no means an expert on disengaging...im trying it myself and i see the first glimpses of how well it works. i just read this AMAZING article on disengaging, please read it, it will be extremely helpful and you will recognize yourself in the stories http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
here are a couple of discoveries of my last week of working on this:
1--the more you engage, the more power you give SD and the more you engage the least your hubby will. they are men they dont want to deal with all the emotional stuff, the recognizing the manipulation, etc...that is like Chinese for them. it is a lot of work so they rather you do it no matter how unhappy everybody is...they dont do this out of malice, they are just wired that way, i guess.
2--I know how hard it is to watch the manipulation and do nothing about it (my blood boils)...do some deep breathing...let it go.
3--disengaging does not mean giving up all the control...like i was saying in my original post...establish some clear rules that are fundamental for you...think about them first and then inform hubby about them. I just did this myself yesterday. for me my rules have to do with keeping the house clean, collaborate on house chores and taking in a respectful manner to me and my son (that is the hardest one), when SD talks to me in a disrespectful way, i simply say " sorry, i dont respond to those tones, you can change them or you can wait for your dad and ask him the question"
4--with disengaging, most of the SD benefits from my "services" are completely and totally over. for example, no more using my clothing, shoes,using my computer, asking me to get something at the store...the answer is always no, ask your dad if you need such and such. she is getting the point..
5-do not try to educate her anymore, this is about you, not her. Disengaging is about not feeling resentful, used and appreciated. All things that will in turn destroy your marriage and you sanity. This is not about educating SD. That is not your job, remember?
6--it will hurt...disengaging -if you are like me- sounds a little like failure...because at some point -if you are like me- you had a dream of being able to help this child and some hope that she would accept you as a "kind of mom"...i guess the mother instinct kicks in and you want to treat them as your own....THAT is the beginning of all the problems we are having today in my opinion..
The best to you on this path, find me here and share your stories
Dalhia, Wow! Thanks for the
Dalhia,
Wow! Thanks for the info! I will read the link you sent. I know I need to just walk away when the conversation makes my blood start to boil. I have to say that my SS is fine and it's just my hubby that is driving me frickin' nuts. He doesn't know how to parent... you have to set boundaries, ask questions and be involved. He has been only a friend to his son and now it's time for some tough love. The kid has been set up for failure by his BM and I feel his dad. They used him to prove the other is a failure. It is sad and I do just want to help the son succeed. He is manipulative, but that's because he's been allowed to be that way. argh!
You gave great advice! Thank you! It so helps to have someone to share this with as it is sooooo hard to not feel alone and so frustrated about this!
thanks again!
Kathleen
kathleen, you might want to
kathleen,
you might want to not use your real name on these posts.
im happy you found my advice helpful. did you read the article?
im taking this work really seriously because my family is very importat to me (including DS). it is not my intention to "bitch" about it...although some times it just feels good to vent a little, right?
the point is, this disengaging and this new framing of the situation will help everybody i nhte long term itis not a little punishmnet that the stepmom comes up with. that is hte way i look at it and my counselor agrees with me 100%. sometimes you hav to do what you have to do and it is not what comes naturally to you ir what your instict tells you to do...disengaging is a lot of good work
good luck, stay in touch...here i send you hugs from another stemom
I haven't had a chance to
I haven't had a chance to read the whole article... It's been a crazy day. The mess keeps getting messier. The BM caused trouble today for the SS. It's going to take sooooo long and sooo much therapy for there to be a reconciliation between BM and son. Meanwhile, the son is lying through his teeth to both parents. We don't know who to believe, but I know after raising kids how to read between the lines and the child is sure being manipulative. I'm just afraid that I will miss so much valuable time with my girls. One is going to college next fall and the other is graduating college next spring and who knows where she's be. I feel like it's not fair to my girls that the SS get's to have a different set of rules around here. I know my girls understand what he's going through but... it's draining. I think I need to find a therapist for ME! I am having such an emotional conflict. I'm so emotional, maternal and all those other 'Mom" things, that I am having a hard time being patient with this who gig. I dread the holidays now as my girls really want what they are used to but I know that we have to be open to new things for the SS sake.
anyway, I'm babbling... thanks again for the info. I will have time tomorrow to read the article. I think, there's no school tomorrow, soooo who knows what is on my agenda. I just hope the GF isn't here all day. arghhhhhh! I loved my routine and my space and the easy life I had.... oh well, I am so blessed to have what I have. I really can't complain. I will let the SS do what he says he's doing. He is to inform me of where he is and when, etc. I guess if he is lying, it's not my issue. Ahhhhh... that's so hard... :?
hi, you sound so overloaded
hi, you sound so overloaded and confused that you HAVE to take a step back and rearrange your priorities on your list and establish clear responsibilities in your family. you just HAVE to do this, nobody else will fo it for you.
but you sound so much like i sounded a while ago that it sends chills on my back.
it souds like your priorities are not in the right place. you and your bio kids are first. i understand that SS is going thru some stuff, but im my experience SD is ALWAYS going thru some stuff and that "stuff" and drama end up being the center of the house, the reason why we do or act in certain ways. thati s simply NOT OK. first you are giving him and it too much importance, second, the other kids (you bio kids) have the right to your attention BEFORE SS and his dad should take care of him in the emotional rollacosters, not you..you will crack under all that pressure and your bio kids will resent you for doing all this.
i really dont mean to boss you around
take a step back, remember what is like to spend time with your biokids, offer them your love. relax, dont lose sight of the important things..and stop trying to educate or change that SS!!!
Dahlia, I was so hoping you
Dahlia,
I was so hoping you were still there with me!!!
PLEASE boss me around! I am glad that I found someone that has been there, done that. It's hard to find someone to talk to unless they have been through something similar. You have been a tremendous help! I am so emotional... I'm teary just writing this. Thank you for listening!
You are absolutely right! And I'm NOT going to crack, I AM cracking! And, I agree, I need to step back, make those priorities and relax on the other stuff, or at least try to. It's actually not the SS I'm trying to educate - it's the darn husband! Geesh... We did just talk and he is finally realizing that he doesn't know what he's doing! LOL! He suggested that I write down things to help him as right now, I'm just sounding like a royal nag! I've always been good at nagging... hee, hee... It's genetic, I swear!
So, the other burning issue, is how do I step back when my daughter and the SS's GF are in the same group and I "know" what is going on or should be (or shouldn't be) going on? it's a slippery slope and so intertwined that it's hard to not tell my hubby so much or wonder why he's not inquiring when talking to his son.
Let me ask you this... what would you do? I know the parents of the SS GF, as I said my daughter is in the same group of girls with the GF, so I was chatting with another mother yesterday and we were chatting about our girls and such. The topic game up about the SS GF. The mom I talked to yesterday ran into SS's GF mom earlier in the week and GF's mom expressed concerns about her daughter. Apparently, the GF's mom wants her daughter to stop seeing so much of our SS and focus on school, church, work, her horses (she's quite the busy girl). My hubby and I feel the same way and told son, but he hasn't changed that. So, I feel that I need to touch base with GF's mom to express my same concern. Mom to Mom. The BM was so psycho and I am not sure what the GF's mom thinks of me (although, she knows MY daughter is responsible, honor roll, student council... a real good kid, not to brag, but... I don't let my girls get away with anything!) Also, when the SS and GF are here, there's so much physical contact (I'm not a prude), but it's over board... apparently, they are having sex (they are 17). The mom would absolutely be heartbroken if she knew... I'm not tellin' her, even though I want to as I would want to know if my daughter was having sex. So... should I just touch base with the mom. I want her to know that we feel it's important for the kids to have separate time for other things and that I support that. I want her to know that I have strict rules here about such things like the kids and don't encourage sex. I am appalled that the BM allowed that at her house.
Arghhhhh! I won't go into all the other things I would like to talk to the mom about, as I am sure you get the jest of what I'm saying. How do I handle this? I feel like I just need to clear myself. I am not used to having a child who is not someone I am "proud" of and I don't support the actions going on right now. My hubby just doesn't get that since he has a son. Do all father's of sons just think it's normal teenage behavior? It's not right. Kids need morals and ethics and logic taught to them. Apparently, SS has been treated like an adult so long at his BM's house that he has no sense of boundaries or the other stuff.
Would you touch base with the mom? I don't think I would go into any detail about what the SS and her daughter are doing, besides that we have had to tread lightly around the SS since him living with us is sooooo new. Although, I told the hubby, that he/we need to start giving the SS more structure and boundaries now. Slowly, but move in that direction. The kid needs to some discipline to cope with life and all it's struggles. He thinks, of course, he's so mature and can handle it... well, apparently, not if he ended up in a psych hospital for a week.
I know that the GF's mom is clueless as to what her daughter is thinking about her future with the SS. They are thinking of living together when she goes to in-state college(even though SS will have to do community college for a couple of years, starting a year after GF since he's not graduating this year like he should). GF's mom wants her daughter to go out of state for college and so much more for her daughter (this was what my conversation was with my friend). See? So, I know all this "stuff" and I'm so torn on what to do or think. As a mom, I would want to know this stuff from another caring mom.
Okay, Dear Abby... what would you do? I don't even know if you can understand all my babble! ha, ha...
basically, I feel like I have an ethical/moral dilemma and don't know what to do or how to handle things like this??? Help!!!!
:?
hi, good morning. first of
hi, good morning. first of all you NEED to read the article, it will help you a lot. read it today!
in terms of the specific issue that you are dealing with about SS and his GF and the mom and the sex and what to do...i would say a couple of things. first, please mention it to your husband as something that is in your mind "hey my love, i noticed that SS and his GF are spending lots of time together here and I think SS should be putting more time in other things for his own good, BUT SS is your son and not mine and that is YOUR desicion not mine. i simply want to mention it to you in order to help. my lovely hubby, there is more to this issue that does affect me and that i will change and you should know, they spend lots of time in our house and im not too happy with their behaivior while here. i will make sure that they respect this house (and here you list the things that will change, for example: they will knock the door and wait until somebody answers, they will ask me before they attack my fridge, they will say hello when they enter my house and bye bye when they leave, they will pick up after themselves...or whatever you consider important they do, got it?)
after you say this, you continue..."hubby, there is more, SS and GF are having sex, and you know this, and AGAIN is not my problem BUT as a responsible mom....or step mom i think i should talk with GF's mom about this. the idea is not change the fact that they are having sex -we know that it will not change- but to make sure they are safe and well informed. i just want you to know that this is in my mind, what is your opinion? how should we go about it...dear hubby? if he says "go ahead talk to GF mom", you do. if he says "you are crazy, it is normal, bla bla bla" you say " ok, it is your son, I want to make sure that you know my opinion and that i will not help you take care of baby if they get pregnant , ja ja ja , wink wink wink" i will also have a chat with my daughter about this issue because i need her to know that the rules that you have for SS do not apply to her"
what do you think?!?!?!!?!?!?
) i can almost see your anxiety about all this. you need to relax and step back. i ll tell you this again: take care of what is important. the fact that SS and GF are having sex is not important...now if they are having sex in your living room, now we have a problem. if they are having sex and encouraging your daughter to d othe same in her life, now we have a problem, if SS and GF get pregnant and the yask you to help wit hthe situation now we have a problem...do you get it???
now, my personal opinion is that you are engaging too much in this issue, you are not braking the pattern, SS is not your problem!!!!. the truth is that most 17 year olds are having sex these days, it is also truth that your hubby or his ex (your SS parents) are not too worried about this fact, right?. you would do enough by bringing hte issue up with hubby and let him deal with it.
now, here is the part that is your problem : your house and your daughter.
in your house ,SS and GF have to follow your rules. please make sure you are clear with the rules and that everybody knows them. and the absolute most importat thing is your daughter. if you think that any of this is affecting your daughter that is what you have to concentrate on.
when i hear you (read you
Dalhia, You are one calm
Dalhia,
You are one calm woman! Your advice is definitely right! My honey and I do talk about all the issues, but he won't address them. He thinks things will all work out on their own. Ya, right... NOT! I also caught him lying about certain things. He is still being chumped by his son. His son keeps saying, "oh, I have to go to the bank and get money so I can pay you back". Well that stopped happening. I am tired of "teaching" my honey how to approach this stuff 'cause it's basic and obvious. Tell the SS that after he gets money, then he can help his son purchase ____" His son owes him about 300 bucks. UNCLE!!!!
I'm not worried about my daughters, as they know right from wrong. They are the one's creeped out by this behavior and wondering why the SS isn't being taught the basics of such things. They know life is about more than what they are seeing the SS do.
In the meantime, the more my honey does NOT address things, the more the SS is falling into old patterns that are soooooo predictable. Honey hates to rock the boat, but it's urgent, now, that he does. He keeps telling his son stuff like "now is the time to make the change you want" "take advantage of these opportunities to get out of the past". Um, how about you take your own advice, my sweet honey? I am having to educate him, as well, in this process and I don't know how much I can take. Patience just isn't my virtue when it comes to kids. There's some things that are so basic and obvious that kids are taught. My friend has a cute acronym, PITA mom, "pain in the a@*" mom, that's what I am to my girls, but they appreciate it. They always comment about their friends who have no common sense or don't know how to do things, or their parents aren't involved.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I know I am blessed and truly have it easier than other folks. I am tired of putting out fires and am trying to stay pro-active, as my parenting style is. My honey and his ex are clueless to that, soooooo. It's does cause me to be so anxious as it so predictable what will happen next. All kids and their "adventures" are the same. I was quite the rebellious kid, so I really know what goes on. I had sex at... let's just say quite the young age. Stupid, but I fell into boy's arms cause my parents were busy running a restaurant and I was left on my own. Talk about trouble. I am surprised I am alive. I was a teen in the late 70's.
Again, thank you, thank you! You have helped me so much! Okay... I am off to read the whole article!!!