Just can't blend in
How do people do this? The more I fall in love with my boyfriend of one year, the more I resent him having a child. His 5 year old son is with us only every other weekend, but it's so hard. I've posted on forums, tried my very best, bought step parenting books, borrowed books, asked friends for advice, talk openly with BF about my feelings and he's been completely accepting to every little weird feeling I have, and he's made changes to make me feel more comfortable and loved. But the cards are not lining up. It absolutely BREAKS my heart that I will never give him his first child, he'll always have that special bond with a child he had before me, it divides us 100%. I get along well with his son, but when I'm around him and his son at the same time I turn into a clam. I feel like a lonely outsider and I dwell in my head about how my family life will never be as I've always dreamed it to be.
How you're feeling is very
How you're feeling is very normal. And I know that doesn't make it any easier. It sounds like you have a great guy. First, that you can be open about what you're feeling. And second, that he understands it. Try thinking of this, your boyfriend wouldn't be exactly who is he if he didn't go through a divorce/ending a relationship, becoming a father. And he loves you because of you, not because you're going to give him a child, his first or second, or fifth. I have a child from my first marriage and one from my husband. I love them both truly equally even though they're very different and have very different fathers. Having a first child didn't make having a second any less special. And I honestly enjoyed my second baby more than my first! I was more relaxed, madly in love with my husband, more confident.
I might try stop reading books, stop being the perfect stepmom. Be you, be the little boy's grownup friend, be a good partner to your boyfriend. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. We create these unrealistic expectations in this position.
xo.
Maybe you could find a way to
Maybe you could find a way to get rid of the kid for good. Other than that, what other option is there? Maybe this is not The One.
If you're sure this is the
If you're sure this is the guy then see a counselor who, within a couple of months, should be able to either help you with your feelings or show you why you're going to have to leave him. Don't get tied up in a long term program - either the counselor can do it or can't. Tell them right up front that you can only afford a month and let them take it over too two if you believe it'll make the difference.
You'll be amazed at the insight a good counselor has.
Generic advise: Once you marry everything changes. Do NOT have a child for at least a year to make sure all is well in the relationship I don't care how much you love him and how much they've catered to you. Call his ex-wife, open up a dialogue and get her side of the story. It may scare the crap out of you. I'm not predicting it I'm just saying it has happened to others - the perfect guy goes insane after the marriage.
You can still have your
You can still have your dream life. You just can't have it with this
man. You've only been with him for a year. You're not married and you don't have kids with him.
There's really is no reason to stay and give up your dream. If you're not happy with a man whobis understanding of your feelings, makes you feel loved and a SK that you get along well with (many SMs here would love to have your problems), then it really is time to walk away.
If you aren't okay with it by
If you aren't okay with it by now, you won't ever. Go before you/he/the kid gets too attached. Being in a relationship with someone who already has kids is accepting them as a package deal. Ignoring these feelings and continuing will only cause tension and eventually more difficult problems. And if you think you can hide your resentment, you're wrong--kids can tell when they aren't wanted.
I don't think you should
I don't think you should leave. I think you should stay. Finding someone that you love isn't easy. Not by a long shot - and if the one you love has kids... Well, that's a lot to deal with, but a least you found him, right? - And I can relate. Oh boy can I relate. I myself don't want kids (not my own kids and not other peoples' kids!), so my troubles are of a different kind but I still think there are similarities. I hate the fact that our relationship is in some respect "polluted" by these little carriers of his ex-wiwes' (yes there are two!) genes. I wish we could just be the two of us, him and me child- and fancy free. And that's even though he has great understanding of my situation and even though his kids are sweet, good kids. I honestly sometimes still resent them being born. Horrible of me? Maybe so, but I think it's just nature telling us to protects our "rights" as our partner's partner.
You say that it hurts you that your first child wont be his first. Well, I don't think feelings are that simple and orderly. I know for a fact that my boyfriend loves all three girls a lot, sure, but I also know that he adores the little one - the second kid with his second wife - just a tiny bit more than the other two that were born before her. Being first is not necessarily being favored.
Thank you for your honest
Thank you for your honest advice. I really like hearing people say that it's worth it to stay, rather than "leave him as soon as you can" which is what the majority of stepmoms on here say.