Is jealousy normal?
Hi all. Question for those with no kiddos of their own, but raising a SD/SS.
Is my jealousy normal? For example, SS4's school has a "donuts with dads" and "muffins with mom" day. Of couse BM got to go to muffins with mom. And tomorrow FDH will go to donuts with dad. I don't get a day/chance to go do things with SS4, becasue I am not technically a parent. While some days I hold him at arm's length, I still would like the opportunity to see him in his school setting with his new friends, but I can't.
Another example: My FDH and I coach SS's youth sports teams. The coordinator always says "lets give a big think you to our moms and dads for bringing us today!" And SS always looks at BM and FDH and just loves them so much. I feel like my love and efforts are not being reciprocated. We have a pretty great relationship compared to where we used to be, and when it's just him and I or us and FDH, he's my little shadow.
Is this jealousy normal or am I out of my rights on this one?
It's normal overall. How long
It's normal overall. How long have you been in SS4 life? If not very long, not likely that coaches etc will see you on par with BM and DH.
I've been with DH 3 years and now daycare workers and SD's teacher acknowledge my prescence and my role in SD's life. Her teacher even had her make a stepmom gift for mother's day.
I'm sure his school will have other events that aren't exclusively labeled for mom's and dad's .SD used to have valentine's lunches etc where everyone was welcome. I am sure you will get the opportunity to participate in the future.
Long enough.
I have been with FDH for over three years. SS was 1.5 when I finally met him. He does not remember a time before me. I just don't understand why staep-parents are always so on the back burner when we sometimes take better care of the kid than the bio parents!!
If you're out there coaching
If you're out there coaching and stuff - people know. And SS will know. But it's just not set up so that step parents are appreciated. The one place I get a little love from the outside world is in sports, but that's because I brought my step kids to MY club where I'd been coaching my son's age group for years. Co-ordinator of your soccer thing is just clueless.
True.
That is what I have been told. FDH's family and friends have all commended me on my patience with SS and BM. I do try very hard to be a solid role model to a child who would only have dad if it wasnt for me.
Don't fret too much. I go to
Don't fret too much. I go to muffins with mom. But the paperwork says they can bring any adult figure (just in case) and Psycho is a peice of crap who's never around. So either I go or no one does, which really hurts a kid's self-esteem.
SD6's teacher calls and talks to me before anyone else. She knows my roll, DH even told her I would be easier to get in contact with and am closer to the school. He signed paperwork to make sure I had full access.
The coaches always see me as a genuine parent.
Stepparents aren't ever going to be appreciated per say. But when you're part of a kid's life, people start to figure it out. And most importantly the kid figures it out.
I doubt the coordinator is trying to step on toes. But let's face it. No one ever says "a shout out to mom and dad and stepmom and stepdad, etc." too many words tbh... He may be able to be better about "let's say thanks to the parents out there." But chances are you'll never be "recognized" pubically. It sucks some days. But it is what it is. Very few people understand the steplife dynamic and often how that part of life works.
I appreciate your response!
I appreciate your response! It's hard on me because, while I am expected to financially and emotionally support the child, BM has before gotten in my face and reminded me that I can't and won't take her place (trust me, I'm not trying, I'm just a decent human being) and that she f*cked my FDH before I even knew him. Wow, cool, great. You're a single POS mom who uses her kid for social media and then pawns him off on your mom so you can go out!
*Rant over, that got deep. LOL*
Psycho ever got in my face
Psycho ever got in my face and said that, I'd probably say something along the lines of: "yeah, well you f****d a lot of people before I met him." Because she's a wh0re.
Just roll through the punches. I know it still gets on my nerves too! But we can't fix it. psycho is a "social media mom." AKA. Completely useless, but occasionally posts pictures to say "Hey world! Look at how awesome of a mom I am." All while she didn't even see them AT ALL this last visitation, and the one before she had them one night, of which she was awake long enough to get ready and go ditch them somewhere else. We know she's useless. Rest of the world thinks she's just "great."
You'll start rolling your eyes more at the stupidity eventually ;)
I don't think mine was ever really jealousy though. She has nothing and is nothing to be jealous of. If anything it's just this feeling of being unappreciated. LMAO
It is SO frustrating that she
It is SO frustrating that she posts so much! SHe has posted pictures of him before saying "I my love baby so much" WHILE HE WAS AT OUR HOUSE! She tries so hard to make it look like she has him the most. ALSO, she posts things like "he's so excited his daddy is his coach" when I'm the coach too and it was MY idea to do it?? And we have kidnly asked her to not post anything about FDH because we feel as though it crosses a line and they are not togher so he shouldnt be on her social media??? All she says is "it is mine and i am a grown woman i can post what i want" UGH UGH UGH!
Best thing I ever did in
Best thing I ever did in regards to social media? She's blocked on EVERYTHING. DH blocked her too. You can't stop her from posting whatever she wants. But out of sight and out of mind. I cna't see things, she can't like everything I've been tagged in (she's a bit freaky and borderline on the point I think she's going to try and steal my identity. LMAO).
Psycho does that crap too though. posts about how great she is. Right before court it was neverending posts of "woe is me. He's keeping the kids from me! So much damage!" Yada yada yada. And pictures of the girls she RARELY sees and spends even less actual time with. All over everything. It's all about HER image. It's a narcisistic trait, but not much you can do there either.
The less you let on to being bothered by everything, the less likely she is to keep going. Right now she's probably enjoying the drama and the reactions, don't react and she may ramp it up for a while, but high conflict people grow bored.
It's normal to feel left out
It's normal to feel left out by your role. I am a childless stepmother to two adult girls. They were 5 and 9 when I got together with their dad. BM has pulled the 'none of your business's crap with me and to an extent I understand her jealousy. They are her bio girls...great mom or not. She honestly did the best she could for having a personality disorder lol. My steps do appreciate me and my role. We have a good relationship but I'm not their 'mother'.
One thing that got me was you mentioned financial support...why? Their parents are the only ones with that obligation. Everything you do for them should be voluntary and between YOU and their Dad. Honestly bm doesnt have to appreciate your input... I mean...I think it would be nice if BM could understand that it is positive to have your ex new partner care about your kids...but unfortunately I think insecurity gets in the way.
I don't think I ever felt
I don't think I ever felt jealous.
Slighted or overlooked, possibly, but through no direct intention.
I don't think most people even think about stepparents, never mind what they go through or feel.
I don't think I have ever looked at a couple with kids and not thought it was their kids - even though I know there are many stepfamilies or it could be kids out with an aunt, for example.
The conditioning in general is definitely to think of intact families.
Don't be hard on yourself, being a stepparent is hard enough.
I never felt jealous either.
I never felt jealous either. I never saw myself as "another parent" who wasn't getting credit, I saw myself more as just "Dad's wife". But I didn't do any parenting or support my SS financially.
OP Can you explain why you
OP Can you explain why you are in this relationship with your boyfriend?
Why I'm in it? I love him. He
Why I'm in it? I love him. He's helped my mental health by leaps and bounds in the three years we have been together. He has the potential to be a great father to children he can parent full time (our kids) and I know he will be. We have bettered each other in many ways.
"It's hard on me because,
"It's hard on me because, while I am expected to financially and emotionally support the child"
What??? Why are YOU expected to financially support the child?? This child has 2 parents who are financially obligated to see to his needs. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED. Any money you contribute is OPTIONAL. Something is wrong if the bio parents EXPECT you to pay for THEIR child.
Well, not exactly how that
Well, not exactly how that came out. But FDH and I split most things equally. For example, the house we rent (we are closing on a new home soon- THANK GOD) I would be content with two bedrooms, which would be 300/mo cheaper, but because of SS, we have to have three for all of our stuff PLUS him. So I thought that he would foot the extra cost of the rent (he makes more, plus it is HIS kid that is the reason we couldnt do a smaller apartment) but he has bills that he has to pay that I dont: child support, student loans, credit card debt, car payment, etc. I have no bills besides rent and utitilites. So I try to help as much as I can, but I am also trying to save so we have a nest egg for future children. It is an odd situation becuase I also enjoy buying them things. I buy the SS clothes because if I didn't, the poor thing would only have tshirts and sweats beucase dad buys what he likes LOL, men.
"he has bills that he has to
"he has bills that he has to pay...: child support, student loans, credit card debt, car payment, etc."
Sweetie, again... these things are NOT YOUR RESPONSBILITY. What would your FDH do if you were not in the picture?? He would have to pay for all of these things. PERIOD. And clothes do NOT have to be expensive. Some secondhand shops carry brand-spanking-new clothes that are "out-of-season" for department stores. IOW, they have never been worn. I've gotten new skirts, pants and tops for $3 each or less. I bought an otherwise $$$ cocktail dress for $20.
But the bottom line is that SS is not YOUR responsibility. All of this is on your FDH and BM. He is THEIRS.
YOU need to keep putting away YOUR money for YOUR future nest egg. FDH's responsibilities to SS are not going away any time soon. You continue in this vein and you will be "responsible" for your stepson AND any child you have.
I do see where you are coming
I do see where you are coming from. I do owe it to myself to step back and be selfish for a change.
Sweetie, you are not being
Sweetie, you are not being selfish.
Believe me when I say (and you can read MANY stories here) that your generosity can backfire.
Quite a few of us have learned that the most advantageous role to take is that of Wife/Partner/SO - NOT a parental type.
I can honestly say I have
I can honestly say I have never felt jealous of BM in that way. I have absolutely zero desire to be her mom and would prefer her mom did more parenting. But I think DH is somewhat jealous that he is not ODS dad and would be alot more hurt if his bio dad were to come back around and ODS showed a preference for him. So idk about normal or not but I dont think its uncommon.
Same for me
I also feel the "knife to the gut" when I see all the "doughnuts with dad", "muffins with mom", "goodies for grandparents", and the most recent "take your kid to work day". Everybody commenting on DH picture of SS wearing a "guest" badge...all the kids being "peacocked" around by parents, it is very hard. Disengagement has helped me but it isn't for everybody. I wish I had better advice but I've learned it doesn't get any easier.
You should feel jealous
You have a right to feel jealous. There a reason to feel jealous. This is not like the jones have a nicer car. The bad part od being and SP even today, is other people don’t know how to react. Like SM are linked into Mother’s Day sand as SF, so bio mom gets Mother’s Day SM get nothing. There’s no big SP day
Keep on doing what you are
Keep on doing what you are doing. Go to Muffins with Mom if you want to go. If BM takes exception, that is her problem. Be adult, if there is a meltdown over it... let that come from BM.
Keep doing what you are doing. SS is fully aware of what you do for him but ... it does not hurt to remind he and FDH of your awesomeness on a regular basis.
Keep doing what you are doing. I did... all of those things from shortly after I met and started dating my uncredible bride of nearly 25 years when SS-26 was 15mos old. So, basically the same starting point that you began with. She and I married the week before SS-26 turned 2y0. I raised him as my own. I am his dad and always have been. He has no pre Rags memories. His mom and I are equity life partners and as equity life partners we are also equity parents to any children in our home regardless of kid biology. As it turned out.... SS-26 is an only child in our marriage. As equity parents we partnered to counter the toxic manipulations of the SpermIdiot and the toothless moron SpermClan.
As I said... I raised him as my own. My son asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
So... keep doing what you are doing. It will pay off with your son over time. Whether BM takes issue with it or not.
At least that is they way it worked out for us.
Good luck.
Thank you!
I really admire your story! The way that FDH has explained it to me is this: "he knows you're there and he can count on you. But he is four, he is restricted by labels right now, he's never heard the terms 'stepparent/mom/dad.' He come to you for help and questions more often than he comes to me because he loves you so much and you are so good with him."
This weekend for example, was our weekend, but he went with his mom to a graduation and when he got home he asked his dad "is callmemyname awake? Is her here?" I was in the shower and he had been sleeping in the car, so I basically went upstairs and kissed his sleeping noggin goodnight and he smiled in his sleep and it melted me. How am I not this kid's mother?! Ugh. It is so so hard when you are so willing to do so much and because you aren't biomom, but are better than her, that it just doesn't matter.
Oh, it matters. BM may
Oh, it matters. BM may never acknowledge that it matters and likely won't. But it matters.
It matters to you, it matters to your DH and it matters to your child. Regardless of the biology of that child. As a man I can not know how it feels to have the drive of a mother but as a parent I can recognize that it is a powerful drive far different than what I have experiences as a father. I have no BKs but... I am still a dad.
One thing that helps me and I think helps my wife and I together is looking at our pasts as integral parts of what makes us who we are. I do not regret not being my SS's BioDad. That would change my wife's experience and mine and we would be different due to that. I wouldn't change a thing about her.
You are unique and important to your SS. Do not let anything make you regret that. Particularly BM.