All my free time?
S/O and I have been together for almost two years. From the get go circumstances made it so that we spent a lot of time together very quickly and met each others families just as quick. We've pretty much spent every weekend together (don't worry no nookie for the first four months) either in my neck of the woods or his since the day we met, give or take a few due to fights or other random circumstances. Which pretty much means I've spent every other weekend with his daughter for almost two years with little to no buffer period. Even more than every other weekend because when I met him a custody agreement hadn't been worked out and as I've mentioned before, BM is a fair weather parent.
I feel that if circumstances were different, I wouldn't have met FSD as soon as I did and S/O and I would have gone on more dates with just the two of us and really focused on working out what worked for us as a team. I feel that since I got a rare glimpse at what life would be like as an SM before actually being married, I feel that I spend a lot of time worrying and asking for changes that I shouldn't even be worrying about because we're not married. I don't feel like I've had the chance to enjoy my S/O as a boyfriend. If that makes any sense at all.
I haven't been hanging out with my friends very much because I feel like I HAVE to spend every weekend with S/O. I don't mind if he comes to visit me when FSD is with her mom but I'd like to be able to opt out of going to stay with him when FSD is with him. Is that horrible? I know he'd be offended by it. He already thinks we should spend all the free time we get together and I'm sure that he'd be even more irritated if he knew that I'd be more inclined to spend every weekend with him if he didn't have a kid. But he does so as a result sometimes I'd rather just spend time with MY friends and family instead of his.
I really don't feel like I need to spend every weekend he has with his daughter with him. I wouldn't care if I only saw her on special occasions like holidays. If we get married I'd see her every day since he has full physical custody but is this really necessary while we're dating? Am I being selfish?
He doesn't try to have me
He doesn't try to have me take care of her. He's not at work or anything. I generally drive out to him (we live 50 miles apart) Friday night after traffic dies down and spend Saturday and most of Sunday there. We don't ever get to go out alone when we're out in his neck of the woods. If we make plans to do something after FSD is in bed, S/O's mom will watch her if she's asleep but she NEVER goes to sleep right when he puts her down. He's currently trying to teach her to go to sleep when he's not in the room but prior to any of this we would have to wait for her to go to sleep before doing anything. So, for example, if we made plans to see a movie at 9pm and he started putting her to bed at 7:30 or 8 we would miss our movie because she wouldn't fall asleep until sometime after 11. Then the rest of the night is gone. She asks me to be in the room with them during bedtime now but before that I would be downstairs with his mom and S/O would fall asleep with her and just leave me down there entertaining myself. Now that's he's trying to get her to sleep alone he will come downstairs but if we try to watch a movie or something we can't in peace because he goes up EVERY time she calls him. I suggest that he set his timer and go up when the timer buzzes but I guess hearing her call for him is too difficult for him. I feel like I don't need to be there every weekend for this. All day is doing everything that she wants to do and all night is putting her to bed. Sometimes I just want to be able to be a grown up. I'm at work all week so the weekend is my only free time.
I don't want her to go away.
I don't want her to go away. I'm not going to lie and say I haven't daydreamed about what our relationship would be like had he not been married (she did a number on him) and had a child. When I said only see her on special occasions I didn't mean I want him to make her go away any other time. I just want to be able to opt out of hanging out with the two of them sometimes and do my own thing as a childless person. Right now I go visit regardless of how I'm feeling. If he and I get into a fight I don't have a problem opting out but he still gives me a hard time. So opting out for no apparent reason wouldn't go over well either. Maybe I'm being unrealistic and maybe I need to accept the fact that I just have to suck it up. But I think that even if he didn't have a child it would be healthy to spend time apart. Am I wrong?
Would your DH give you guff
Would your DH give you guff for going out with your friends?
You're not selfish - nobody
You're not selfish - nobody needs to give up all their former friends and family for the new love in their life. Right now you may feel that you would have have been better off if you didn't see so much of your stepdaughter - but I think you are forgetting something important here; you are getting a more realistic dose of life with a stepchild than you would have if you were only a "weekend" girlfriend. Imagine the culture shock if you were just suddenly dropped into being a full-time stepparent.
To be honest, your questions don't sound so much about your SD as about your relationship with your SO. Are you worried about that? Either way, if you want to take some time to be with your friends and family, go ahead and do it!
Yeah, things aren't so
Yeah, things aren't so awesome with us right now and I find myself wanting to have small breaks from him. We fight probably once or twice a week and though I don't stay mad to the point that I don't want to talk to him, sometimes I just don't want to hang out with him and have to deal with being a SM on top of it. You're absolutely right about getting a glimpse of what being a full time SP would be like. Which is what we fight about. It wasn't very long ago that S/O wanted me to move to his area and get a two bedroom apartment so that FSD would have her own room at MY place. I didn't but since he brought up the topic of living together, I brought up the things I wouldn't be able to live with. Like bed sharing, not having any time for ourselves (she was two and going to bed at 11pm when I met him), him not setting boundaries for BM and all this other stuff that I complained about in my very first post on here almost two years ago. I was given the advise to run, and if I don't, to tell him my issues. I told him and It's been a fight ever since and though he has made some changes it's been very hard and I think it's taken it's tole on me. I'm in no hurry to merge our lives as things stand right now and I feel like I want to hold on to every bit of my childless life that I have left.
Hello beaccountable, This
Hello beaccountable,
This makes a lot of sense to me. I'd like to think that I could be happy if he changed certain things but the fact remains that I really don't know. I know I don't want to bed share and I know that I don't want every waking moment of my life away from work to be dedicated to a child. ANY child right now, let alone his. I know that I want to sometimes go on vacation with just him but I don't think that's possible. I mean why would we? My sisters have kids and they don't get to do anything without my nieces and nephews so I think going on vacation with no kids is a pipe dream. I know I just have to decide if I can be happy about it. I think right now I'm thinking about all this and I'll ultimately come to a decision. I'd like to talk to him about how I feel but I don't want to start any fights and I don't think he would be able to understand where I'm coming from.
Thank you for your take on
Thank you for your take on the situation.
While I'm not offended by it, I don't agree with it. I'm not trying to fool you all into thinking I don't want her to go away. I really don't want her to go away. I just don't want all of my time with him to be monopolized by her. I'd like to be able to do adult friendly things when she's asleep or maybe he can get a babysitter sometimes. As things stand right now, we can't do adult friendly things unless he's visiting with me. So I'd like to opt out of hanging out with them SOMETIMES without feeling bad about it. The fact that we only do adult friendly things when she's at BM's house is an issue with me. I don't want to get married and lose that just because we live together. Right now my only "out" is the fact that I have my own place. I think there should be some time set aside for us. Does that make sense?
Amen Notasm. I've been in a
Amen Notasm. I've been in a nuclear marriage for 31 years. (SS is biologically DH's nephew). I can tell you OP, you need to make time for yourself, I was a doormat to DH and SS actually until I had my own kids and just couldn't cater to them 24/7. I was 19 and stupid (and DH was 20 and stupid lol) when I got married, it took me a long time to adjust my DH to me HAVING MY OWN LIFE. And although he's mercurial and bossy, he loves me and wants me to be happy. And Catholic or no, you only get one go round on this earth and i'm not spending one more minute of mine being a doormat. And you know what? That attitude makes me a better mom, wife and overall human being , because I'm not walking around bitter or stewing. Hope this helps.
From your bio I see you're 27
From your bio I see you're 27 and the girl is almost 4. My generic advise to people without children is to not get in a relationship with people with children. It's fraught with too many problems some of which you're already fighting about. More will crop up when you marry possibly even setting off a "possession" war with the girl where she'll do everything to separate you two and becoming unmanageable for you and even Daddy. I.e. if this guy marries it could ruin this kid. The bio-mother if she's in the picture could literally go insane. Read the other Threads here to find examples.
Also you're tired of the kid. Obviously if you married you'd end up doing all the mama things plus if you want kids of your own you'll be mothering all of them full time. It could even bring out a distaste, dislike or even hate for this girl. Read other Threads where this has happened.
My advise is to admit to this guy that this was a mistake, take the blame to avoid any argument, and break it off cleanly and completely. Refuse any attempt at contact.
You've been very level headed throughout this whole relationship and I think if you take a logical clear look at the situation you'll see that the smart thing to do is find a guy without children. There are plenty around as many of your generation has postponed marriage and children to get careers going.
You need to read through the
You need to read through the threads here, and you will probably figure things out pretty quick. Do NOT think that anything on here is strange, or unusual. It is a glimpse into your future.
If you are worried about not
If you are worried about not getting enough adult time NOW, what makes you think you'll have any when you are fulltime SM, maid,cook,live-in lover etc? Its 24/7 from then on out.
I had a talk with S/O this
I had a talk with S/O this weekend. It all came to a head because an hour after I wrote this post he sent me a text letting me know that his sister had asked him to have a sleepover with FSD on Saturday so we'd get to have the evening alone. I was thrilled because this never happens. All day saturday FSD is saying that she'll go over to her aunts house but she won't stay the night. We mostly ignored her when she would say it. Sister comes to pick her up around 7pm and she goes out the door and into the car with no fight or tears. Yay! S/O and I go have dinner and then go to Disneyland. We get to DL around 9ish. We go on one ride and by the time we're in line for the second ride his sister is texting him letting him know he may have to go pick up FSD because she misses him and is homesick. He continues for the rest of the night to try and calm his sister down and tell her that she'll be fine. It doesn't work. She ends up saying that she feels like he is trying strong arm her into keeping her for the night. I'm pissed because it's ruining S/O's mood AND because SHE VOLUNTEERED to do this. His sister lives a half hour away from him and an hour away from DL. S/O could have tried to get FSD in bed at an early enough hour and his mother would have listened for her and we could have gone anyway if she went to sleep in a timely fashion and then we could have gone straight home afterwards. But no, instead I have to drive us to go pick her up because I drove to DL. We were going to leave, go to his house, drop off my car and get his car but his sister wouldn't wait. This is a pain in my backside for multiple reasons. A) We're validating FSD's notion that whining gets what she wants
I just put $50 worth of gas in my car C) The freeway we have to take to get to her condo closes every night at 10pm for construction. The park closes at 12am. We leave, go get FSD, who was f****** asleep by the time we got to his sister's house, get stopped in a DUI check point on the way home, and don't get home until almost 2am because we had to take the street all the way back due to the freeway closure. FSD is awake the entire ride home. I didn't go inside because I was too annoyed with his sister and I couldn't act like I wasn't. S/O said that FSD had this huge smirk on her face. He didn't even want to talk to her when she was in the car. He just told her to try to go to sleep and her response was, "I can't". When we got home she had the nerve to ask if she could watch TV. S/O told her no and to get in bed. Set his timer for 15 minutes to go check on her and she was asleep before it went off.-The End
There's a lot more his sister was saying to him. Even after we said we were on our way she was still texting him all this bleeding heart the fragile child mind crap. We told her the freeway was closed so we'd be longer and she tried to argue that it wasn't. At no point did she tell us while we were on the way that FSD was asleep.
So I had to say to him that I can't have this be my life everyday. I said that it's not fair that we only go out when he's in my neck of the woods. I told him that I don't mind going to the park but we go there every weekend I'm there and both days. We spend all day doing stuff FSD wants to do and when it's finally time for her to go to bed, there's never any time left for us. Even under circumstances that both parties are childless that can't work. Replace kid with job and that's still not going to yield a happy, strong couple. I said that he needs to plan a date night and we need to be able to do it without having to worry about it being cut short or him spending his time texting whomever is babysitting and his mood being ruined. We're still working out the details but he took it pretty well. We shall see if it really happens and if it doesn't then I'd know that he's not willing to negotiate or compromise and I don't have any reason to stay in a situation like that. I'm not settling for 2% of someone's time.
My bf also has full custody
My bf also has full custody of his daughter. When we first met I could only go to his place after his daughter went to sleep (he didn't want me to meet her yet). But after I met her I came over a couple days while she was there and a couple nights after she went to sleep so she could get use to me without feeling like I was intruding. Now I live with them. Our time during the week is after she goes to sleep. We have a child free date night every week. And she goes to BM every other weekend. So we spend that woke weekend together kid free. It took some time to get use to. But I'm glad it's that way. Because when we have kids together, I know how he would be. And he's a great dad and that's important to me.
I know that if we get married
I know that if we get married and live together our time during the week would be after FSD is asleep. Which is why I had issues with her bedtime because she was going to bed after 10pm every night AND she couldn't go to sleep without him in the room. Now she's going to bed earlier and she sleeps by herself and he is leaving the room which is awesome. We didn't have an established date night however. I guess it never occurred to him that we need adult time even if she's awake. I asked him for a date night at least once a month when I go visit them and he says he's open to it. We'll see how it goes.