Where do they get this "entitlement" and how can we wake them up?
This last weekend, my Fiancée and I are sitting on the couch getting some VERY rare "alone time" and smooching a little. SD22 comes in the room and starts clapping her hands really loudly and yelling about how disgusting that is and she "doesn't want to see that". So I, still in a good mood and "joking" made some kind of comment like "Well when you have your own place you can make out with anyone you want any time you want"..
She took it more seriously than intended and in a snotty tone replied "Well maybe I just need to have **** (her BF) over more often and make sure you guys come home to us doing things you don't want to see right here in the living room!".
Me, still trying to "keep it light", "I think someone thinks of their living situation as much more solid and permanent than it actually is..".
She for some silly reason thought I was "joking about killing her" and got really pissed and started threatening about how she could "ruin our lives" if we tried to do anything to her or "screw her over".
I was shocked, this 22yr old young woman was standing there getting mad and indignant and acting like it was her house and how dare anyone suggest she didn't have as much authority and say over what happened when and where...
I didn't know how to respond and just didn't..
This is a running theme for both of them (D19&D22), they presume it is their right and privilege to live at home rent free, have all their toiletries and base needs, including food, provided for them and gawd forbid if anyone tell them what to do or what they can't do or have.
I just don't get it.. when I was growing up, my parents made it crystal clear, that at 18 I was an adult and ON MY OWN, anything they did for me or gave me after that was a GIFT and should never be EXPECTED. If I had talked like these kids today do to their parents (not just the two I deal with) I would have found my clothes in a pile in the front yard and the locks changed before I got up off the ground where my dad had thrown me.
Is this all because "We tried to be their friends rather than their parents"? Or "We couldn't tell them 'NO'"?
Other than hoping some poor shmuck comes and marries them and hauls them and all their crap away, how do we get rid of them? 
I think your responses to her
I think your responses to her were perfect, and love that she thinks you actually threatened her!!!! What I'm curious about, though, is how her father handled this exchange. Did he just sit there pretending to be invisible? Or did he tell her to get over herself, and that the two of you can smooch in any room of YOUR house that you want?
I am actually the SD in this
I am actually the SD in this situation, Mom rarely says much and lets me be "the heavy", which I am perfectly comfortable with. Mom chuckled and just said something like "Ya no kidding!" to my statement of her assuming she would be there indefinitely.
They get this sense of
They get this sense of entitlement from their parent who never said wait a minute let alone no, from their parents who met every demand they ever made, from their parents who have taught them that life is a free ride, from their parents who gave them everything they ever wanted without once asking them for anything in return such as a please and thank you,from their parents who BUY them cars and cell phones without expecting they save up and buy their own, from their parents who provided them with all the brand name gear and the latest gadgets, from their parents who refuse to take board from their babies once they start working, and from their parents who dont' even insist they make their own bed do a load of laundry, from their parents who don't even exepect them to take their plate to the sink, or unstack a dishwasher, let alone wash a dish. From the parents who do every single thing for a whole generation of kids who now cannot do anything for themselves. That's where they get it from....well done parents. I have just told my 3 year old grandson off for speaking to his grandfather as though he was an equal (mind you this is a stepgrandfather), and told him we don't speak to people like that in this house. This child at 3 was able to pull himself into line at that point, and said, sorry Pa without being told. He is 3. If you havent' taught your children manners, respect and how to work together in a family by the time they are 2, you havent' got a hope in hell of teaching it to someone who is 22.
I agree with emotionally beat
I agree with emotionally beat up! Sorry to say, but lots of kids in a stepfamily setup have this entitlement as everyone is busy overcompensating for the fact that their parents are divorced. Life is no free ride and you dont go through life with a board around your neck saying "FRAGILE< handle with care as her parents are divorced"
I think you and your Fiancée
I think you and your Fiancée should tell her that if she doesn't like it she can leave. Give her the phone book opened at "apartments" and tell her to start dialling! She is a 22 year old adult and it is time she started to act like one.
I think the hardest thing for
I think the hardest thing for me is that my bio S17 is the polar opposite of these girls.
I was a wild kid and my divorced parents went with the "Tough Love" pushed in the 80s, and it worked, I was kicked out 30 days after turning 18 and still had to finish HS while supporting myself, and I DID.
I have hammered my son with the idea that he is responsible for himself and that upon turning 18 he is an adult and anything I CHOOSE to do for him, like let him live at home for a couple months to save money for a place or whatever, is out of the kindness of my heart but NOT to be expected or assumed and by no means entitled to. I know all dads say this but my son is a "Good Kid" now because of this.
Unfortunately my SDs were pretty spoiled most of their teen years after having a very rough childhood. Mom lived in poverty and then married a wealthy guy so she "made up for it" by getting them everything they ever needed/wanted and never told then "NO". Their SD then (the wealthy guy) pretty much just acted as "A Pal" and never said "NO" either or did any discipline since "they weren't his kids". So now we have these two girls that act like they are entitled to live at home, have their needs met, and get whatever they want while coming and going at their leisure and seem aghast when it is suggested that this situation will be ending soon.
We have both agreed that if our kids were younger and we were going to try to live together it probably would not work because our "parenting" styles are so different. So we are left waiting for these giant children in adult bodies to start flapping their wings and GTFO of the nest so WE can get on with OUR lives.
They get this entitlement
They get this entitlement spoon fed to them by the surrounding parent/s as soon as they are gently placed way above the parent/s heads onto entitled THRONES !!! My DH learnt this the hard way, years later, unfortunately, saying he gave sd21 the " stick " with which to " beat" him with, repeatedly......
Also, the skids learnt at the BM's knee, look I'm not working, getting it all for free, education....blah !! Part time job even.....blah !! Watch me and repeat the following..... DH works to give it all to you, he will give you money, go ask him, I don't work.....I am poor..... Go ask DH for it all !!!
Even more scary is thinking about the next little generation of entitled little ones, who are going to be spawned in a few years time, no doubt......and so it continues ......
I would tell her how
I would tell her how disgusting it is that a 22 year old WOMAN who appears to be so self sufficient and reliant by her words is still living with her mom. I would do exactly as mentioned. Make it cost them enough $$ to live there in addition to having to live by your rules and they will be gone in no time, all on their own. It is amazing when you take the bird feeder down and there is no more free food you don't get covered in shit from the freeloaders mooching off you.
You could always use the line my parents used on me at 18. They told me I had 2 choices. I could move out on my own or I could join the military. As my dad said he didn't really care which I choose since either way I WAS moving out!
We had a 35 year old guy on the news the other day that beat his parents to death with a hammer because they were getting on him about taking responsibility for his life, being 35 and all! So he kills them. Nice.
Nothing motivates like hunger and nothing is more enlightening than reality. I suggest you give the SD a big dose and send her on her way.
"It is amazing when you take
"It is amazing when you take the bird feeder down and there is no more free food you don't get covered in shit from the freeloaders mooching off you."
I absolutely LOVE this!
I wish I knew where they get
I wish I knew where they get it from too. Your SD sounds like all four of my SD's. The one living with us now has that attitude, like we are required to help her and her son. Doesn't lift one damn finger around the house to help us out.
Why is she still living
Why is she still living there? She has a lot of nerve making comments about what adults are doing in their own home. I agree, DH should have set her straight. When she pays the rent in her own home, then she can dictate what goes on.
She needs to be focused on creating her own life, and not what the two of you are doing on the couch! Give her a deadline to move out and see what she has to say about that.
When my youngest SS came to
When my youngest SS came to live with us 4 months before he was 18 (no job, wasn't in school), he was told in no uncertain terms that he needed to use those 4 months to get up every morning, clean up afterhimself, get a job by the time he was 18 or he was out. He spent the next 4 months partying late every night, sleeping late every morning, leaving a mess behind him whenever he left the house, and did not get a job. On his 18th birthday, his father gave him a tent, a sleeping bag and $30 and showed him the door. He often talked about it to his friends as if he'd been kicked out - leaving out the 4 months he farted around... sometimes you can't win for losing, but you don't have to be a sucker.
Well if they want to act like
Well if they want to act like adults start treating them like one, they should have jobs if not in college and paying their portion of rent, electric,water, and groceries..if they dont want to oblige to that then tell them as I did our kds who have the same mindset....that we are only a steping stone and they are old enough to start their own life and they need to start setting some goals, like a job! then tell them if they work either they can stay there and pay their portion OR you will require to take examount of their check to be put aside so they can use it to get their own place ( Thats if thier spend thrift), Both daughters could get a place together, I would be setting a examount of time for their departure to leave the nest, and I would make it VERY clear job or not..they gotta go! Its sink or swim, they will never try as long as they dont have to...and that means by you fliping the bill. Good luck!