I think there should be a manual for what to do for adult skids on how to treat their SPs. Granted, they'd probably throw it out but it would be fun to write one.

I also think it'd help those of us who DO make a concerted effort to get along with our SPs. It could give us suggestions on what to do, and how to continue to navigate our situations.

What would you write in the manual?

This is what I'd write:

1. Nobody's out to replace your other biological parent. We are here to love your dad/mom and nothing more. We would like to create a good relationship with you, so your mom/dad can have peace and harmony in their lives.

2. We respect your relationship with your parents and encourage you to do stuff together. Please do the same with our relationships with them, and any decisions we make about having children together, or anything else.

3. "Respecting" our relationships and decisions with them doesn't mean you like the situation we're all in, or agree with the choices we make with your parents. It means you value having your parents in your lives more than you do having disagreements. Your parents don't agree with all of your choices. However, they show respect for them because you are now adults and they value having their kids in their lives more than they do having disagreements.

4. Asking you to "respect" us is not meant to put pressure on you to love or like us. It is asking you to treat us with pleasantness and civility when we see each other. It is asking you to not badmouth us to our spouses and instead bring your problems and issues with us directly to us. You would not like it if someone brought their problems with you to your partner. You would rather that person dealt with you directly. Being in relationships/marriages doesn't mean you lose your desire to maintain relationships with family and friends apart from your spouse. It doesn't mean you lose all of your individuality.

5. If, for some reason, you're not comfortable with us, or your parents telling us about you, maybe you should get to know us, or at least try to open your eyes to the possibility that we are NOT out to get you and steal your parents away from you.

6. Consider how you would feel if your partner's family treated you like garbage. You wouldn't like it one bit. Nobody does.

7. Nobody loves or even likes every single member of their family. However, most smart people find a way to get along with those people so they can maintain good relationships with the other relatives, and so there will be peace in the family. Fighting only creates unwanted, unnecessary stress for everyone involved, including the aggressor.

8. The only way you can really get deep healing is for you to own up to the crap YOU contributed to the situation and getting help. Others would be much more likely to own up to the crap they contributed if they heard or saw you do the same. And you'd be much more likely to get the results you want.

9. Our kids and the grandkids. You want your parents to be involved grandparents. They want to be involved grandparents. We respect that. They also want to have more kids. They're not asking you to agree with it, they're asking you to respect it. See numbers 2, 3 and 4 for tips on how to do this. It is possible for your parents to have more kids, and also be involved grandparents. People who truly love each other, like your parents love us, you, our kids together and your kids, like you love your parents and kids, and your kids love your parents find ways to make it work for the whole family. It's give and take. We want your parents to spend one on one quality time with your kids and be actively involved in their lives, because we are caring people (gasp) and it's what your parents want too. They love you, and those kids. They love us too. There's a way to find a balance where everyone can get some of what they want. Also, our kids could be more people who love your kids.

That's what I'd write...