Tired of all the Blood Siding
I have been a stepmom for 23 years, was a big part of raising my stepson since 5 & 7, husband had full custody. BM left the state to start her new life when the boys were 2 & 4 and made no contact for almost 2 years. When she did make contact she was remarried and had another child. She was fine with husband having custody until I came into the picture and then she tried to make the rules for our house. The boys would have fared so much better had they had a bio mom who allowed the boys to love their stepmom (me) but she would not, she had to try to rip them from their dad and I by using poisonous tactics. This stuff just sickens me as I read and hear about it all time and time again.
Lots and lots of obstacles over the years, I have certainly had my share of mistakes and many many wounds to lick, for sure!
Yesterday was oldest SS(33)'s wedding. If you read and recall, I was excluded and asked not to attend while individual invitations were sent to my husband and teen daughter. Husband told his son that he would only attend the wedding with me by his side and he heard nothing ore from his son, none of us attended the wedding yesterday.
I asked my husband if his dad had said anything to him about him not attending, husband's father is in his late 80's. Husband's dad was aware that I had been excluded and told husband that SS had the right to invite whoever he wanted to attend the wedding. When I heard this I realized hat blood will make all kinds of justifications for blood and find blame in the step parent time and time again. Had this been my bio daughter who had done this to one of my husband's family there would be no justification in their eyes, this would be wrong but because it is their blood it is okay.
Thank goodness for all the counseling we/I have had concerning the problems with the step family!!!!
Husband told his dad, "You may be right but I have a right to my choice as well."
I told husband I would be fine if he went by himself, that I did not want him to miss out on his son's wedding an then have regrets later. He chose not to go. I have no doubt that this too will be blamed on me as I have been the scapegoat to this family for years. Odd how they cannot see their own contributions to the problem....and that is sarcastic. Stepson cannot face me, it would mean faces his actions and he cannot do that! So he casts blame and how convenient, the SM makes the perfect target!
Your husband's response to
Your husband's response to his father was spot on. SS can invite who he wants and others can choose not to go.
Yes, agree, and even if
Yes, agree, and even if invited, SM or dad's wife should be able to choose not to go too. Loved your comment re: "The boys would have fared so much better had they had a bio mom who allowed the boys to love their stepmom (me) but she would not." I feel that pretty much applies to any step-situation. Unfortunately, some BMs see love as a competitive event, and not only prevent the SM and SKs from having a fuller life, but also prevent bio-dad and his own children from having a fuller life. Unfortunately, many SKs even as adults don't see this or get this. Many, many women on these pages have struggled with this, going out of their way for years to try to keep some sort of relationship going at least with DH/dad and his kids. However, eventually some SMs have to throw in the towel, realize the issue really comes down to BM, BD and their kids, and that they themselves can't do any more. It has to be up to BD and his children if they want a relationship, as adults. SMs leave the guilt behind and let others think what they choose (can't control that!). It is then that some SMs seem to find peace.
AVR, Your Father-in-law's
AVR, Your Father-in-law's reply his son is a sad statement, as your son is also blood. But the hate and smallness that accompanies scapegoating is just too entrenched - even though it is so unjustified. Sad. I sincerely hope you never, ever again have to interact with this bunch of troglodytes. One thing - you can thank your lucky stars your DH is a bigger man than his father. The greatest 'revenge' you can have is to work as hard to make yourself happy and when SS divorces he will know he will never have what his Father does. (((HUGS)))
Love this statement- "when SS
Love this statement- "when SS divorces he will know he will never have what his Father does." Get this, SS married a woman with 2 children. We all know how hard step families are!!! It should be interested to see how this plays out! KARMA? LOL!
Karma is right. Better start
Karma is right. Better start making large batches of popcorn now AVR because it'll be quite the show with ss and his own skids involved. Let the blood-siding begin!
I laugh that I'm this wicked person in the family just because I married DH. ss26 once called me a "money grubber" then he married a gal with a now 7 year old and that kid is giving everyone HELL. They are thinking of homeschooling the kid since the teachers can't deal with him, oh the fun times ahead for ss26 }:) I'll be making popcorn and practicing my sympathy.
LOL, love it!!!
LOL, love it!!!
Me, too! I always tell my DH
Me, too! I always tell my DH that I hope they (step kids) wind up like me. lol. Karma!
It is the only way to truly
It is the only way to truly understand what it is like to be a step parent. Even so I do feel the step father role and the step mother role are not quite close in the sense of relationships. Women want relationships, we communicate, we plan together times, we make ourselves vulnerable, we share things about our lives that bring us closer to others and we judge ourselves on how we are able to keep and maintain those relationships. Men do not have these thought processes. We are the care takers for the most part and we are eager to be caring towards our steps. Men are the providers, don't share, don't get involved, are clueless about relationships.
Nonetheless, it won't stop the drama of a step family. Wait til the kids are teens, if the marriage lasts that long!
ss26 is in for fun times when
ss26 is in for fun times when his ss7 is a teen. They live with DIL's parents who coddle and spoil ss7 and his bs2. ss7 is going to be football player big, ss26 is scrawny. Oh the joy of "You're not my dad" with a kid twice your weight and size who has ADHD.