SS30's issues affecting DH's and I relationship
DH and I have been married over 2 years so I'm still learning, still new at this step parent stuff. I've done a good job at setting boundaries which I have to keep resetting since ss30 keeps losing jobs and dropping out of life. The main one is "NO he cannot live here!" Also, No he cannot sleep on the couch "just for the night" because it always turns into 3-10 nights. I'm the bad guy, ss30 tells DH "she HATES me!" All I have been is kind to him and feed him but apparently I must do more. I guess I have to house him and be the doormat too, which I am NOT willing to do.
Last night DH gets off the phone with ss30 and is upset because ss30 piled on one of the "you weren't a good parent" guilt trips. ss30 blames DH saying, "I was never taught any life skills at home." That was one of the gems as to why he keeps recycling his little a$$ between mommy, daddy and other relatives homes. ss30 is depressed, he feels hopeless, his friends are telling him "he's doing it wrong" meaning life. He rants to his DH and blames him. DH gets all sad and guilty but then says that he has to listen because no one else is listening, "he needs to vent." Personally I think it's disrespectful to DH and only encourages his helplessness.
I got fed up hearing about ss30 blaming DH for everything and told DH that he needs to stop parenting him out of guilt, stop paying his bills and stop allowing him to be disrespectful. Oh gawd, now DH is mad at me. I know DH is an enabler, he is a massive part of ss30s issue. I love the man and want to support him but not the enabling of his grown man child. How can I support my husband, be a good listener but not encourage his enabling? Anyone had success in this area?
"At some point the problems
"At some point the problems we inherit from our parents become our problems to either solve or suffer." - My mom.
Your DH needs to learn this lesson as does your SS-30. By listening and supporting SS-30s bullshit your DH is turning bullshit in to reality. He needs to tell SS-30 to find his balls, grow up, and be man rather than a sniveling pussy.
Your DH is the one enabling his son to be a pussy. Not a crown I would want to wear as a parent that is for sure.
IMHO of course.
So tell us how you really
So tell us how you really feel
Love your advice, my counselor said the exact same thing but in a slightly gentler way.
Oh yes, I am totally ordering
Oh yes, I am totally ordering those. They will be anonymously sent to ss30 who in now living with mommy.
You SS is now old enough he
You SS is now old enough he does not need parenting. Good for you for standing firm as far as not allowing SS to live in your home. I went through this for many years, Sd accusing me of making her uncomfortable, and other B.S. DH ate it up and came at me with the B.S. After SD pulled a massive tantrum, I was again accused of making her uncomfortable, "Making her walk on eggshells around me." I asked DH for specifics. He could not come up with one.
You do not need to reason with your DH. You have already done that. He hasn't got it yet because it is convenient - if he doesn't get your message, he doesn't have to deal with the reality that his son is a sponge. Next time your DH brings up the subject of SS visiting tell him that you both have discussed it already, it is non-negotiable.
yep, my DH also couldn't come
yep, my DH also couldn't come up with 1 example of anything hateful I had said or done to ss30. I hope your situation is better now.
Counseling is awesome! It
Counseling is awesome! It should be mandatory for anyone who has the role of stepparent. Good luck with that deadline. I'm guessing ss24's mommy will have a time limit as to how long he can stay. Seal the room up after FEMA cleans it up so he can't crawl back in.
Just a guess since my SS has
Just a guess since my SS has ping ponged between mommy, daddy and his various family members for the past 7 years. At least there is an end in sight for you!
When my husband talks about
When my husband talks about his daughter and how he worries about her, I just tell him that I understand that he worries BUT she is 23, she has been married, and she has 2 kids of her own. It's high time she figure this life thing out. Doling out money to her or paying her bills is not going to help her.
We have tried to guide her, give her advice, encourage her, and be good role models for her all of her life. We cannot help or be responsible for the choices she makes.
I do not remember my parents sitting me down to specifically teach me life skills. They taught by example and lucky for me, they were both good examples.
The guilt trips are manipulation, pure and simple. If your DH feels he should listen to his son vent, he needs to draw the line when his son starts blaming him. What stops my SD from venting is when my DH gives her advice that she is too lazy to take. He just keeps repeating himself and she eventually tires of it.
I will not let my SD move in (she lives with BM) and I often ask my husband, "What is she going to do if something happens to BM? SD needs to learn to live on her own."
I was shaking my head when
I was shaking my head when ss30 blamed DH for not teaching him *life skills.* There must be some whiney site for millennials to get loser excuse lines. I mean I never even heard that term when I was growing up. It was called "get your @ss in gear and get a job!" DH has worked his entire life, often 2 jobs, took his kids to Disneyland every summer, they always had food, a roof over their head, went skiing, never wanted for anything. ss30 is really digging for something that is just not there.
Yeah, it's not that he wasn't
Yeah, it's not that he wasn't shown or taught life skills, it's that he doesn't want to put them into practice. And then blame somebody else for his laziness.
I don't blame you. Good for
I don't blame you. Good for you for keeping strong boundaries.
Great idea, I suggested to DH
Great idea, I suggested to DH that he pay for ss30 to have counseling rather than pay his bills. But as of now it's not my issue anymore. The counselor told me that people like ss30 often commit suicide. She's seen it many times. This is another reason I totally want to disengage, I don't want to hurt the "chadult" (that term sums it up nicely). since he's spirally downward and everyone's enabling his awful moods and behavior I don't want to have any part or responsibility in his demise if it comes to that.
I so feel for you. I have
I so feel for you. I have had some moderate wins recently that might give you food for thought. My SS22 has twice flunked his final exams where he was living independently in another city and is now revving up for a third attempt. After the second flunk he tried to move in here (again) last April. I blogged about it at the time but have deleted those posts. Anyway it was very similar to your situation, SS being diagnosed with depression, a lot of debt, partying, the word "feckless" having been invented to describe him and so on. He even was similar in that he accused my DH of having been a crap dad, pressing all the buttons including that our bios were getting a better deal than him etc.
Anyway my DH was gagging to have him move in so as to make it all up to him and take proper care in his hour of need. Just as our OBS was about to go through some really stressful but critical weeks within his own education. It was just about the worst time that this scenario could have been staged. So I went to the length of arranging for accommodation elsewhere for both my DH and SS for a period of weeks so that he could do just that. Part of the intention had been to make my DH sick of it. This did not put off my DH however, though it was hard on the rest of us, so meantime I then managed to get my SS a rental deal with a family exactly the shape that we were, ie 2 parents and 2 bios. There he stayed until just the end of August when his relationship with that family broke down, due to messiness, slobbiness, unreliability, slow payment of rent etc. But whilst I was sorry that that situation broke down, I did notice that my DH recognized the poor behaviors of the SS within this. Also, the umbilical cord was cut and my DH could cope with the concept of my SS not returning here at least until next summer when his studies are over. Importantly, the SS also picked up the vibe and did not even ask for such save once when he got locked out of his friend's home late one night. In fact someone else put him up at that point anyway.
I think the thing to emphasize to the spouse in this situation is that they are not helping their own child if they do not promote independence and the thing to attempt to evidence is how the child's conduct impacts on others who are not evil stepmothers yet still find it unacceptable. Somehow to hold a mirror on the child up to the father, but by deeds of others rather than by one's own words.
But for me so long as the skid does not actually stay in my territory, my own policy is to simply take no interest, ask no questions, avoid, and consider them an expensive hobby of the spouse which is not going to ever go away but may be tolerated like fishing or stamp collection.
That was smart to find him a
That was smart to find him a rental, not in your home. "Consider them an expensive hobby of the spouse." This is exactly what ss30 is and he's a hobby that keeps taking and taking. Never once has he thanked his father for anything.
Thank you so much for all of
Thank you so much for all of your replies, it really helps to know I'm not alone in this situation. Due to ss30, hubby, my own adult daughter being difficult and a close family member getting ready to pass I have been in counseling. The first session was grief counseling and yesterday was all about DH enabling ss30. The counselor would be proud of all of you, you said exactly what she did! Later in the evening I made an *appointment* with DH to talk. We went out of the house to a nearby park and I laid it all out.
1. I do not want to hear about any more of your talks with ss30, they upset me. If you choose to be emotionally abused by your son then that is your choice. Don't share that with me.(The counselor said that he needs to feel the brunt of dealing with his son and not dump it on me)
2. I and my minor children do not want to overhear ss30 screaming at you inside of our home. For now I ask that he not come over and that you visit him elsewhere.(Counselor says this is harmful to my children and sets a bad example for how to treat parents.)
3. Do not discuss me in any conversation with ss30.
4. I do not "hate" ss30 and have only been kind and accommodating. This is all part of his manipulation to be viewed as the victim.
5. As your wife I expect to be protected. You have allowed ss30 to be rude, disrespectful, threatening, destructive of my property and steal from me. If I ever feel threatened by your son again, my items stolen or destroyed I will call the police and file a report.
6. I am willing to leave the marriage if I do not feel safe and supported.
I thought DH would pitch a fit but he knows I'm serious and is going along. I've read some horror stories on here about decades of this kind of abuse and I'm not willing to live my life like that.
For now I am done. Totally disengaged from the ss30 and his situation. DH gets to deal with his son all on his own. ss30 and my 19 yr old daughter had sex and partied all summer. I overheard some of their conversations and they both have a bond of hating and blaming me so I'm done with her too. I feel a twinge of guilt but I have other children to raise who are doing really well (knock on wood). If DH and I's oldest children choose disrespectful, destructive behavior then I choose to distance myself. I hope they grow up someday and when they do I will have open arms, not open beds for them to crash on or an open wallet but open arms.
Next appt I'm going to try to get DH to go. I'll keep you all updated.
Your 6 points are awesome. I
Your 6 points are awesome. I am really sorry for what has happened between your 19YODD and this guy. YOu mean they had sex together?
Yes they had sex. 19yoDD was
Yes they had sex. 19yoDD was here for approx 6 weeks and ss30 was here or at his aunts house almost the entire time. 19dd denied any involvement with ss30 and stated that they were just friends. DH also had told ss30 that 19dd was off limits. I suspected they were involved but didn't know for sure until I went to check on dd in the morning and found used condoms on her floor. Apparently the two were too stoned to clean up their mess. dd went back to her dad's and we left on not so good terms. I'm just thankful they used condoms! Between the two of them they may have spawned the anti-christ.