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Men are hard to train!

ETexasMom's picture

I'm working on disengaging. It's not easy all the time! But I'm trying to train DH to take charge of his kids and relationship with them. Since we're on a spell where they all like me I'm invited to stuff again. :? I'm not going back to coordinating everything for him! Yesterday OSD sends a text to both DH and I saying they are all meeting for her birthday next week and invited us. For the last two years I haven't been invited to stuff like this. I told DH your circus so you need to be the one to reply and find out where and time.

DH waits over a day to finally reply and his response was "we'll see what's going on". Really?!?!?! We don't have anything planned next weekend I didn't have a problem going to a restaurant with them. I like that soooo much better then being stuck with everyone like the grandkid parties.

Just reminding myself not my circus, not my monkey! I'm just along for the ride.

sandye21's picture

One step forward but you have no idea whether you will be on solid ground or encased in quick sand. Been there and lapped it up until I was slapped back to reality and 'stephell' as usual. It makes you wonder if it is part of a relational aggression game. The other game is "Well show Daddy how nice we are to her so when we start to be a$$es again Daddy will remind SM how nice we are and that she is imagining things." Again, back to 'stephell' as usual. The good thing is that you are aware that the 'being nice' could change at the blink of an eye so you are prepared.

ETexasMom's picture

It's without a doubt it's a game. I know the only reason they are being nice is MSD is prego and wants baby presents and at DH's birthday party she sat in the living room and pouted that she wasn't getting enough attention. The steps have realized DH's life isn't revolving around them because me and him actually have a life! So now they have to worm their way back in so they can be sure to be daddy's focus. They know he is not likely to go by himself so now they are being nice to me so he'll go. Once he gets back in the habit of going to stuff I have no doubt they will be back to hating me.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I would tell my DH one thing: "let me know the timing so I can put it on the calendar." And that's it. If he doesn't want to be jumping through fire to commit, then you shouldn't either.

And yes, they just want you to pay for stuff.

ETexasMom's picture

Yep that's what I'm going to do! I did my part. I told him I would go. He only I had to find out time and place. I even offered to make her a shirt if he would tell me her size (I can use from my stash for my business). He didn't do any of it. Oh well I'll be busy this week doing my YBD's 16th birthday so if he doesn't let me know in time then he'll be buying her a present instead.

sammigirl's picture

Yes, let your DH handle the entire arrangements. My DH does the same thing; he procrastinates ALL the time. He never makes a decision, until the event is all but past. It used to drive me crazy and I worried that the skids would blame me. My DH's favorite saying "I'll think about it".

NOT MY PROBLEM NOW! I enjoy just letting skids and DH take care of EVERYTHING. I do not hostess, fix meals, buy gifts, or make any decisions. It's all DH now; it has been his problem for eight years now. I take care of my family and he doesn't have to do for them.

I don't even care what plans are made. The only time I will sit down with my SD58 and/or SGD32 is if we go to a public place to dine. I will never again go on their turf and I do not hostess them. They come by to visit DH and it is HIS pleasure to offer them a cold drink, which he never thinks to do. Now they know who did all the work for 30+ years. }:)

With that said: my DH is frugal, if you want to put it that way. Lol...he doesn't pick up the tab unless everyone disappears and he is forced. :? I just sit back and enjoy the reactions, because for years it was always my fault my DH acted like he does. Needless to say gifts are slim, going out to dinner with skids is nonexistent, and I never have any change on me. }:) It's rather enjoyable to watch the circus and participating monkeys.

sandye21's picture

" Needless to say gifts are slim, going out to dinner with skids is nonexistent, and I never have any change on me. Evil It's rather enjoyable to watch the circus and participating monkeys." Oh, Sammi, you made me laugh so hard. I can just visualize this. LOL LOL

It was sort the of the same with my DH. When he was spending 'OUR' money on SD he was the big shot, wanted to pay for everything. SD was beyond frugal - so she never paid for anything - even a tip. When I suggested DH pay for his family and I would pay for mine he was not so apt to pull out his wallet.

Acratopotes's picture

ExJulie - I still say get a new number, they should not be able to contact you Wink

and no - DH can co-ordinate everything, his monkeys his zoo...

momjkm's picture

I actually disengaged a while ago and did not even realize it. our relationship with GSKIDS consisted of us going to visit on Sundays. We aren't allowed to take the kids anywhere and pretty much not be alone with them. To me that's not being a grandparent so I stopped going. No clear cut reason why my SDIL is so controlling, but that's how things became. In hindsight I am thinking she is going to put the brakes on any relationship with the GSKIDS. She is very tight with the BM. My DH is perfectly ok to cater to their every whim. That includes accepting that his only relationship with his GKIDS is being babysat by his DIL. He can have at it- I won't participate. I am generous with everyone in my life, so I heard a comment about -I can't buy people- during a fight with my DH. So I guess my generosity has been mistaken for trying to buy his kids and their wives. Hate to burst their bubble. They simply aren't that important to me. I do feel like I am standing alone when it comes to his kids. No matter what it is me against them. Pretty crappy feeling.