I need advice to give to a friend who is an adult SD who has insecurities/strong, sad feelings

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About not having a romantic partner in her life. I don't need advice about helping her find someone, but about an issue she is having with her Dad and SM. I will add that the SM is 5 years older than her.

She goes out to dinner a lot with her dad and SM. Often SM will join her and her dad, and often she won't. It's really 50/50.

Her dad knows she (his daughter) is sad so he called her and asked her out to dinner with the two of them. She really does not know whether to accept or decline. Here's why:

She doesn't dislike her SM or begrudge her Dad his right to have whoever he wants in his life. But seeing her dad and SM so happy together would, in many ways, remind her that she doesn't have a SO, when she really wants one. My friend is really at a loss for how to delicately work through this subject with her dad in a way that will keep things peaceful between the three of them.

Is there a polite way for her to say, "I'd really just prefer to have dinner with you, dad?" Should she decline the invite? Or should she just make the best of it and go?

What advice can you share with me to give her? What would you do if you were in her situation?

PS- Her dad and SM haven't been married since she was younger, so the SM really doesn't have a long-standing, "parental" relationship with her. They've been married 2-3 years.

She is not acting on this until she gets advice from me. She asked her dad for time to think about it for a day. Usually I can think of some advice to help her, but this time, I'm at a complete loss.

I was single for 13 years

I was single for 13 years with two little boys. I was invited out with many a married couple. I felt like the odd man out but I sucked it up and went. I look back at those memories now and smile as I had a good time with everyone. I hope she just goes as this is something she is just going to have to accept in life. Might as well get used to it! Singling out her step mom and trying to exclude her will only cause hard feelings.
I hope she goes! There is a lot of pain in life we have to embrace. Having dinner with a happily married couple shouldn't have to be that bad.

This girl doesn't want to be

This girl doesn't want to be with her father and his wife because they're happy? Sorry, sounds like more of a childish-selfish-jealousy issue than a grown adult. Read a lot more posts in this site. All girls want are their daddy's and forget the new wife. Maybe there is a reason wife only gives 50/50. It doesn't matter how long they have been married, it is his wife. Sure the dad and daughter can have times alone, but this is just a typical SD SM riff in the making. Tell her to accept the way life is.

This girl doesn't want to be

If her and sm are that close

If her and sm are that close in age they could be good friends if sd was to give her a chance. I agree its childish to excluded sm just because sd doesn't want to be around any couples that are happy. I think sd needs to focus more on doing for other and quit having a pity party. My oldest daughter acts the same way and she is 28 years old. It drives me crazy.

"If her and sm are that close

"If her and sm are that close in age they could be good friends if sd was to give her a chance."

I agree. My friend doesn't dislike the SM. She actually thinks she is nice and they co-exist nicely. However, they are not buddies.

That being said, I've met the SM a few times, and she doesn't seem like the type of person who'd be holding her husband's hand or showing him affection during this dinner. If anything, she seems like she'd go to the other extreme to not make my friend feel even more uncomfortable/sad. I don't know SM very well but she seems like the type who would/could be one more person to cheer my friend on and be there for her.

My friend goes to a counselor and I am going to recommend that she work with her counselor on this, and on finding a new SO. Maybe the counselor can help her find ways to meet someone special. I'm also going to help her on this too by going out with her more, asking her to go to classes/events/groups with me regarding things we both find interesting (where there will be plenty of guys), ask her if she wants my help writing a bio for dating websites, etc. She is not a mean person and has always had peaceful relations with the SM (albeit not close ones). When they see each other/talk with each other, they're not fighting, my friend doesn't trash this woman to her dad, and everyone gets along fine. I think my friend just doesn't want to feel like the odd man out. I hope she can come to a place where she can realize that the SM wants to be another person to be there for her and cheer her on (even if they don't become buddies), and focus on talking about things they are all interested in so they all can hopefully have a nice time.

I have two friends who met

I have two friends who met their now spouses on eharmony. I have to say that from looking at my friends experiences with online dating sites, that one has by far been the best one.

Would she feel the same way

Would she feel the same way if it was her BM & BD "so happy together"?

Is she not going out with her coupled friends because she doesn't like to see them "happy"?

Seems a little childish to me. It's part of being single, whether she likes it or not.

Wait a second...if this young

Wait a second...if this young lady has always had dinner with Dad and SM, I think it's okay for her once in a while to say "Dad, can you and I have dinner just this once?" Provided the daughter and SM have generally gotten along and been polite, there shouldn't be a reason why she can't just have her Dad's attention to herself once in a while.

What she wants from the sounds of it, is some undivided attention from her Dad, and she should be able to ask for that.

The dinners have been about

The dinners have been about 50/50. Sometimes BM sometimes not.

why is it ok for skids to

why is it ok for skids to want alone time with dad, but if sm ever wants alone time with him, we are evil, selfish, insecure, jealous bitches who are competing with the skids?

Sueu2, well said!! I wondered

Sueu2, well said!! I wondered the same thing Anon2009, you give good advice here, so wonder why are you at a loss to advise your friend? At face value you can read this post and think "of course it's fine for her to have dinner alone with her dad" but something obviously isn't sitting well with you or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. As Sue said, she is playing you. I think the danger here is that if father and daughter have this time alone together, daughter will love and enjoy all this attention and it will be the start of excluding SM more and more. I know, I have been there. I was never a part of the weekly dinners, but one exclusion led to another and another until it was complete exclusion. They are clever, they know how to do it in such a way that it feeds right into the father's needs as well.

SD has to face her painful feelings of being alone and not expect her dad to meet these needs for her. Time alone together is absolutely fine, but when she is vulnerable like this, the father has to be careful not to set up a situation where the daughter becomes the other woman or meets needs for her that are not appropriate. Also, why the dinners out all the time? Can't she just come over and hang out with dad? To me that would be more appropriate. That way, they can hang out and talk, and then if SM comes home later, she isn't being excluded. But to flat out ask SM not to come along simply because she feels triggered by their happiness is not okay.

The question is loaded and the SD needs to work through her feelings. It's great that she has come to you for advice - so please advise her well!!

Thank you for the compliment

Thank you for the compliment I'm at a loss for advice to give her because in all my years of step experience, and of having friends with SPs, I've never been dealt a question like this one.

I'll try to help her like I suggested in my reply to Kilgore and try to gently suggest/advise that the SM seems to be one more person who wants to be there for her, even if they don't become buddies, so as hard as it may be, to try to look at it from that angle and keep on being polite and kind to her. And to give me a call afterwards so she can vent away and tell me how it went, and so I can be a shoulder for her to cry on if she needs it. Or to tell me how it exceeded her expectations in a positive way.

She really need intense

She really need intense therapy.

I was alone for about 30 years. I loved having happy couple friends. They were great role models. And helped me not "settle".

I agree, she needs therapy.

I agree, she needs therapy. In fact, so does she. She just started seeing a counselor weekly a few months ago. She is improving (very slowly but surely). She seems to want to improve her life and is determined to stick with it.

I am a very big advocate of

I am a very big advocate of daughter and dad alone time. She just met SM 2-3 years ago, she really needs time alone with her dad IMO. Here's how I would frame it... "Dad, I really want time with you and SM together, I was also wondering if we could have some alone time too." To really help she could add "I'd love time with SM alone also to get to know her better" (if that has truth of course).

This is very different then saying SM isn't allowed at the table period end. I urge my DH and SD to go out alone because I think it's healthy.

This SM just came into his life 2-3 years ago, while your friend and her dad have a lifetime of memories together. Your friend probably just needs some downtime with dad without the discomfort of another person who is relatively new.

If she asks for time with both of them and time alone with each of them, I don't see how this could be offensive.

On the flip side, if my DH died, I would want alone time with my son in the future. I would need that. I wouldn't always want time with son and a new husband. Additionally, I would suspect that SD will want to continue to meet with BD alone even after she gets married.

Just saw she is getting alone

Just saw she is getting alone time with dad. Scratch what I said above.

She's getting alone time and

She's getting alone time and dinners with dad Jennaspace. The op said the dinners are about 50/50 so roughly half alone with daddy. No something else is going on and I tend to agree with sueu2.

If she's having all these alone time dinners with dad. And this issue according to the op came up because dad senses daughter is sad and wnted to yet again take her out alone to talk about what may be wrong with her. Then dad is sensitive to get problems and BM is not it. Sd doesn't want to tell daddy she gets upset seeing him and his wife happy.

Sorry she has issues that are not about alone time with dad. Maybe she's getting to many special dinners with dad and doesn't want to share any of them with sm.

Thanks, didn't catch that she

Thanks, didn't catch that she was getting alone time with him. Agreed, she needs to not attempt to exclude SM due her own loneliness.

What does OP mean? Sorry!

Something tells me it

Something tells me it probably isn't 50/50, probably more like 90/10 alone time with dad and she is probably trying to make it 100%. Wonder what the SM would say about the relationship with SD? I'm sure if you asked my SD how often she spends time with me, she would say "Oh it's plenty" when really it's once a year, lol...

"When she was with her last

"When she was with her last boyfriend, his mother and sister wanted to see him more often."

I thought she was engaged to that guy? Boy, did he make a lucky break!

Thank you, everyone, for your

Thank you, everyone, for your advice.

I did what I said I would do in my response to Kilgore Smom, SA and others. And my friend was very responsive (in a positive way) to it. She's going out with her dad and SM. Like I said before, the SM seems like the sort of person who would go to great lengths to make sure the SD doesn't feel excluded or uncomfortable.

My friend knows she has problems (who does not) and is seeking professional help and is going to start exercising more this year. She loves to go to club/class activities that she's interested in. She also told me she will meet with and ask her doctor if he could increase the dosage of her antidepressant meds, or maybe switch them.

Your friend needs to change

Your friend needs to change her out look in life. I'm saying this cause I was that way too a long time ago. She is missing the one on one time with her dad. The part that she should be grateful for, is that she gets any alone time with her dad at all. You could let her know that she should try to separate herself from her dad where this is concerned. Her dad has the same rights as everyone else and partners are one of them. I chalk it up when I'm missing my dad trying to be happy for them. If my dad is happy, then I'm happy too.

She is lucky to have a friend like you watching out for her.

Thank you

Sorry - but I feel no

Sorry - but I feel no sympathy for this individual. Inserting herself more into her daddy's life isn't the answer on how to fill her free time and prevent being lonely.

If she has excess time and is "depressed" then tell her to get her sorry butt out there and help the less fortunate. There are countless nursing homes, veterans hospitals, children support agencies, food banks, etc. that could use someone to help them out.

If she's partially "depressed" because she is single and lonely, maybe spending some time with a 19-year-old veteran without legs will change her outlook. Or a small kid who has been kicked around, and has no family of their own. Maybe she can learn a thing or two about resilience from someone who is much more challenged but has a better attitude.

Call me old-fashioned but sometimes what people need is a kick in the behind, not more drugs and therapy. Besides, it's a well known fact that helping others will help your OWN outlook on life.

Not to mention she will meet new friends while volunteering and maybe even a partner, if she gets out more and does things.

Oh, and one more benefit ...

Oh, and one more benefit ... if she regularly volunteers to help others, imagine how proud her dad will be of her!

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I need advice to give to a friend who is an adult SD who has insecurities/strong, sad feelings