How can we all go about finding a workable "middle ground" for everyone in our "stepfamilies?"
And when I say "we all," I mean skids too. I know many of them do not do this but was wondering how you think they, in an ideal world, would go about doing their part to help find a fair "middle ground."
And there are those of us who have difficult stepparents of our own. How could they go about helping to find a middle ground? In my situation, it would be nice if my stepmother apologized to me for trying to PAS me against my mom, gossiping about me, spreading falsehoods about me and generally treating me like garbage. I know I will never get an apology.
And how can bioparents go about helping to find a fair middle ground? In my mind, they can do a number of things. For starters, they can stick up for their spouses who are being mistreated by their kids of all ages and families. They can realize that these big, happy families may never happen and everybody can and should just treat each other with respect. They can realize that their spouses and adult kids (or kids of any age) may very well never become friends and not force each down the other's throat.
To me, it seems like most of us here have gone out of our way to achieve this middle ground, but we are the only ones making that effort.
It just seems like if everyone pitched in to make that effort, everyone would get more of what they want- SKs get more time with Dad, we don't fight as much with our spouses, we get along better with sks, there's less tension involved for everyone (or better yet, none at all), and sk and sm don't get shoved down each other's throats.
my DH keeps saying to me "I'm
my DH keeps saying to me "I'm not expecting you to love ss, just be nice to him and try to like him enough to get him outta the door". But what makes liking his son harder, it seems, is that every time I treat ss16 like a normal kid, like I treat my own boys, is that dh get so defensive of ss. I tell ss16 to bring down his dirty dishes and the first thing dh says is well kids will be kids and "I've seen dishes in your boys' rooms too". He is always defending ss in front of ss and this puts ss in an awkward place of not wanting to do anything to make dh and I argue. I tell my boys almost daily to bring dishes to the sink, pick up your towels, throw in a load of laundry and stop picking your nose and wiping it on the wall, etc. When and if I say any of that to ss16, DH ALWAYS says something, whether it's in defense or whether it's to back me up. Why can't spouses just let the step parents talk to their kids. When dh talks to my boys I never say anything unless I am part of the conversation. It seems harder for us smoms b/c we are more of the hands on parent since we're at home more (in most cases). Like my DH doesn't usually say do laundry or clean room, but I do.
Ok, was just thinking out loud and may have gotten off topic here. sorry. Just thoughts...
Having bioparents who don't
Having bioparents who don't have untreated mental illnesses goes a LONG way towards having a FUNCTIONAL step-family situation.
You took the words right out
You took the words right out of my mouth!
I will also add, So many
I will also add,
So many skids seem to have very different boundaries than we do. They seem to think that certain behaviors are acceptable. Often, these behaviors are ones we don't agree with. So I was just wondering how, ideally, a "stepfamily" would go about trying to find some middle ground on those areas as well.
I agree. I think the best
I agree.
I think the best goal for all to have would be peaceful co-existence. Nobody should have to have someone else shoved down their throat. But nobody deserves to be treated like $hit either. And sometimes it seems like murderers get treated more respectfully than SPs.
Anon, What do you think skids
Anon, What do you think skids should do to find a workable middle ground? It has been proven that people in general will find a way to justify their behavior even if at first they know they are wrong. This is why we get so polarized. I'm sure if you ask my SD she would say her behavior toward me has been justified and even find or even invent 'reasons' for it. To this day the only thing she has come up with is that I made her feel uncomfortable but there are no specifics. I am sure your SM has a different take on your relationship. Maybe she thinks you should be apologizing to her for slights as she saw them. How does your SM treat you now?
I did apologize to SD for not recognizing the suffering she went through years after her parents' divorce. I do not expect an apology from her. Anyone can deiver an apology - it's their actions that count. If my SD and I agreed to treat each other respectfully, and followed through with it for a length of time, I'd be delighted.
Here is my opinion:
As you wrote, bio-parents can expect their kids to respect SM and not have unrealistic expectations for the relationship between Step Parents and Skids. They need to raise kids who will be responsible, mature and have respect for others. Their prime focus should be on the marriage.
Step Parents need to establish boundaries, not discuss the other bio-parent, approve of 'reasonable' communication between bio-parent and skids, and practice mutual respect for others.
The skids should be respectful of the Step Parent. Skids should realize that the Step Parent had nothing to do with the bio-parents' divorce, and that negative feelings about the divorce should be discussed with the bio-parent or a therapist. Skids need to accept that everyone's lives have changed, and the odds of Daddy and Mommy getting back together is slim. Adult Skids need to be responsible for themselves.
This needs to be discussed before getting married.
As you can see the word 'respect' comes up a lot in what I just wrote - and I think that is the key.