How to address boundaries that have been crossed- intentionally or unintentionally
SA said something about boundaries that I think most of us are guilty of at some point. We unintentionally cross them with MILs, ILs, SKs, BMs, etc. Often we try and push too hard for friendships/closeness with them that is not mutually desired. And some stepmothers, unfortunately, seem to have no problem walking all over those of their SKs whom they've known for a long time, and violating the basics of "How to Treat People 101."
There are ways to address them. You can either address them with the offender (intentional or unintentional) in private or take the method that many SKs sadly seem to use of consistently $hitting on the intentional or unintentional offender. Doing the former seems more productive to me. If my stepmother or anyone else crosses a boundary of mine, intentionally or unintentionally on their parts, I will have a polite discussion with them in private and work it out with them. If I feel someone is coming on too strong and trying too hard with me, I will discuss it in private with them and work it out with them politely. $hitting on them will not make them back off or clearly send the message that I'm trying to send. If anything, it's only going to pi$$ the other person off more.
It depends on whether you are
It depends on whether you are dealing with a normal semi-rational person or not.
If not my approach is to just erase that person from my life to the extent possible.
I agree, but on this forum
I agree, but on this forum anyway, most of the SKs discussed are "adults" (and I use that term loosely).
I think all adults, including SKs, should show other adults the same respect and courtesy they want shown to them. Because these SKs are also adults, the playing field should be more level in terms of how adult SKs and SPs treat each other.
I agree. However, I will say
I agree. However, I will say that I know a lot of good, hard-working, productive adults who aren't demanding, but rather are being given support of any kind from their parents because of a disability, economic circumstances or both, and who are working hard to become independent/regain independence. Those who live with their parents pay rent. Some need a little more moral & emotional support from their parents because of a disability.
What seems to $uck at times about stepfamily situations for everyone dealing with them is that they are so not clear-cut.
This is perfectly said. When
This is perfectly said. When you think about it what child needs 3,4-6 parents of any kind.... it only takes two people to make the child.
And what adult needs, 2,4,6 ex's of any kind to deal with.
I can barely keep up with me.
Avoidance and self preservation is the key to most of these crazy situations.
Good luck, sounds like you are in "thought" mode today.
Well im not sure about the
Well im not sure about the rest of you but for me, I came into this relationship to be my husbands wife. I didnt come into it to take his adult kids mothers place. Being a friend with them would be nice I looked at it like hey more family . I guess thats not the way it always works out. Im a very good person and I will not let anyway take that away from me. I will not kiss adults kids A$$,$. I have tryed to show them respect. Even when they talk crap to me I dont get in there face. I just figure thats how they were raised. Some of us on here have had to deal with some really hard things when it comes to the adult step kids I for one am one of them. You know why its because I married there dad thats all. It could be any woman that married him and she would go through the same thing. There are just rude sk out there and no matter what you do or say it isnt going to make it better. So you live your life with your husband and if they want to join in then fine if not thats also fine. Not all step mothers are bad just as not all step adult kids are bad.
Anon... Was wondering where
Anon...
Was wondering where you get your information, Or is this just your feelings on the topic.
These are feelings I have
These are feelings I have amassed on this topic over the course of my life. I have been in some type of a "step/blended" family situation for the majority of my life.
If anything, my experiences have taught me just how un-clear-cut blended/stepfamilies are as opposed to intact ones. With intact families, the parents get married, have kids (not always in that order), the kids grow up, get spouses/SOs of their own, and/or have kids. Those are expected things.
Divorce/death of a parent and consequently, the breakup of that family can and often does throw everyone off kilter. They can throw everyone into unnatural roles, including the person who romantically hooks up with the now single parent. We aren't wired to want to become stepparents. And most people of all ages certainly are not wired to want a SP.
These situations certainly leave more opportunities for people to unintentionally cross boundaries. What may be ok with one person may be unacceptable with another. And then the question of how to work through these intstances peacefully comes up.