Easter Update!

Forums:

I apologize for not writing sooner but since my last post, I have been in a total funk!

Before Easter, I posted on how the wonderful golden egg was planning on ruining another holiday for me; she did very well this time! DH had made plans for the Easter weekend that did NOT include any kids, but he broke those plans as soon the the golden egg SD40 called. I was pissed and hurt, and oh did we fight hard.

Since then I have been doing a lot of crying and wondering why I am a failure; why I wasted 13 years with this man who hasn’t and never will stand up for me, for us. I asked why is it so f**kin difficult to have one holiday without the golden eggs. I had to reminded DH on how “we” made plans – go to the movies, work in the yard, put up my greenhouse that he bought me for birthday. In DH’s words he thinks “since they’re all here we’re family;” in my words - why does my life have to be put on hold because a f**kin golden egg is in town; she serves me no purpose only to disrespect and degrade me in my home.

So DH thawed out the 17 lb turkey that I was saving for Mother’s Day, then he worked out in the yard, and I watched Sex in the City marathon for 12 hours straight and I did NOTHING! I refused to answer my phone, emails, and I just sat back and wondered how in the hell did my life get so fucked up?!

Then I just found out that SD44 (that stayed here with us a couple weeks ago) has been seeing a psychiatrist for several years and is on meds because she (age 44) can’t understand why mommy and daddy got divorced and why daddy is so happy with someone else! So I ask - why in the hell did they stay HERE then? Are the other golden eggs on drugs? Is this my fault? Why am I feeling guilty about this?

Then on Easter Sunday after mass, I packed a few things and went to work for a few hours (we own our own business). My BS29 called and canceled his dinner/visit once I told him the golden egg and her family was coming. Another reason to be pissed and depressed. So I came home 30 minutes before the turkey was to come out of the oven and DH was pissed – the golden egg called and was NOT coming after all – the Golden Goose just didn’t want to be alone for the holiday!!!

So I lost this battle and the bitch won the war; I got what I wanted – a holiday with no golden eggs but unfortunately, the holiday was already over and ruined! I allowed her to get under my skin and that is my fault.

Since then I keep asking myself the same questions over and over:

why does DH allow his golden eggs to come into our home and treat ME like shit?

Why doesn’t he have the balls to say something to them?

Why can’t he understand/realize that I lose respect in him and faith in our marriage when he doesn’t stand up for me?

And what happened to me??? Before DH, I was very independent, I was happily single, I didn’t doubt myself, and I had a lot of friends that came over. Since being married, I realize I have depended on DH to stop the bullshit at the front door, and since he hasn’t, I’m unhappy and I’m back to doubting myself.

Then I realized that everything in our marriage always benefits DH; not me, not us! I should NOT be blamed for his past f**k-ups.

I heard this song on the radio the other day “Getting a Little Bit Stronger) by Sara Evans and it really hit home. I could totally relate - in my heart I feel I am done being married to this man.

I just started reading the book “Boundaries in Marriage” with the hopes of getting myself back in a positive frame of mind!! My husband is now my roommate, and I don’t know how much longer I can take this!

Thanks for listening and always being there for me!

Thanks for commenting Fight.

Thanks for commenting Fight. Yes I will agree with you that we teach people how to treat us but it's hard to do (I find) when I'm not the parent of the adult kids - only DH. I think my problem was I expected too much - people respect me in my home (this is how I was raised!)

I am so different now - I guard with my life! Is this a good thing?!

Thanks Rising but after 13

Thanks Rising but after 13 years I have no idea of how to have DH notice my worth. I am starting to wonder if I should start walking away; THEY'RE JUST NOT WORTH IT!!!

I can't agree with you

I can't agree with you more!!!I have lost respect for DH as a husband, a man, and a friend. Don't allow people to come into our home and treat me like shit and expect a piece of ass later (the latest argument!)

I no longer think of shaking sense into DH; he no longer sees my point of view - only his kids walking up our driveway. And this is where I have to think of - what the hell am I fighting for?!

I really wish that I could

I really wish that I could have holidays elsewhere - so much easier, cheaper, and less mess!!!

Make plans to be without

Make plans to be without husband on EVERY holiday on the assumption that he will screw it up with his kids. If he asks about holidays tell him you've got plans and he can do whatever he wants. DO NOT cancel those plans if he says he doesn't have any because one of the kids may call at the last minute and he'll invite them over.

If you can't go and be with someone go and be alone. Book a day at a spa. Go to the beach, lake or state/federal park and use the picnic facilities. See a movie on the way home making sure the whole day is used up.

You might start by taking a week somewhere. Tell him you're taking time to contemplate the continuation of the marriage. Don't argue about it - it takes two to argue - just tell him you're doing it then do it. Flights to Vegas are cheap and I'm always amazed at how inexpensive Hawaii flights can be. Shop for rooms - try Maui its beautiful. During the summer (off season) its hotter but the room rates are way down.

Don't lift holidays on a pedestal. Any non-religious holiday or day surrounding them are just days. All the things you said you two were going to do can be done on any day. Don't make some day that some president said we should all give thanks something so special that it gives you an ulcer. It's just a day and Friday with your husband can be more special than Thursday.

Fight - I am always running

Fight - I am always running (in my mind!!!) ...

LOL walk fast is good enough.

Thanks Orange! After 13

Thanks Orange! After 13 years I am finding out that it doesn't matter to make plans with DH - his kids will definitely change them, and I don't like it. They and DH makes me feel like an outsider in my home. And after 13 years I do find that I like being alone - it's less complicated and no drama!

I know what you mean by the days - they're just days. I just felt hurt that we made plans and everything always gets ruined/changed when his kids call!

Thanks for listening!

I completely agree. After

I completely agree.

After Tgiving and Xmas being not what I planned, I stopped planning. Skids are minors but I really don't care anymore. They just want the gifts/money so why plan on being miserable anyway.

Easter was the most stess free holiday in 8 years. DSO went and bought steaks to grill out and enjoyed having us time.

Holidays are not what I was

Holidays are not what I was raised/grew up on - everything nowadays is all about money!! I don't plan, shop, clean, wrap - NOTHING - less stressful!

"In DH’s words he thinks

"In DH’s words he thinks 'since they’re all here we’re family'." He doesn't get it that they are NOT family to you - and his children don't treat you like 'family' either. I agree with the other posters, especially Orange: You have to put your foot down and set limits for your how you will be treated in your home, and you need to do your own thing on holidays until DH gets the message. You matter as much as anyone else in DH's life.

We have not sent a Christmas

We have not sent a Christmas card in over a decade, not even to those who still send one to us. I rarely buy a present preferring instead to buy something during the year which they need but can't afford or put off for the same reason.

"Here kid a early birthday present" (even if its 10 months off). On the birth date I suggest lunch.

Holidays are just too crass for me today. I remember one year in the late 50's getting one Christmas present. My parents were upper middle class and I remember it because was a nice E4rector set. After I left for military service I got home baked cookies and after that just a token gift from Mom.

What's an erector set? A metal Lego set but the boys imagination is needed. Look here for more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erector_Set

.

When I lived by skids I just

When I lived by skids I just made sure we celebrated the holidays on different days. Since you have a BM who needs attention, you have the perfect excuse. Especially because you can generously give the actual holiday to BM and DH can take a different day.

Let DH know that you just can't stomach the holidays with SD and that it's not fair that you lose out on being with your BS because he doesn't want to be around sd either. If DH is really as into family (meaning your kids and his) as he says, he'll see the point. I'm assuming SD will be in town more than one day. Get out of your head that you have to celebrate a specific day (though if BM is lonely, you could probably get the actual holiday)

We celebrate Christmas on Epiphany (Jan 6) and have a great time doing it. This was b/c of my husband's job. We have 12 days of Christmas leading up to it where my son can actually enjoy each gift he has. Lots of people had Easter egg hunts the day before Easter, why can't SD come then and you have BS over on Easter day.

On the holidays DH and SD share, you can leave when SD comes and plan a great day at the spa if you want. I would definitely make sure you stipulate he cleans up before your time together.

With a little planning, you can have your cake and eat it too. If you and DH break out the calender a year ahead of time you can pick days that will be your holidays. SD cancelling last minute due to BM would be a very good reason as an impetus, you don't even have to bring up your issues to SD. DH could email the calendar a year ahead of time and the problem is resolved for the most part. You can even share a "family" calendar on yahoo or google so SD and BM can reference it when making plans.

You are here