First, I think you are way off regarding your reasoning as to why women and men stay in abusive relationships.

It's so hard to watch your kids make stupid decisions and sit on your hands not doing anything about it because it is the right thing to let them make their own mistakes. BUT .... where violence is concered, I think you and your DW need to let her know that you know what is going on and that it is not OK and until she values herself enough to say no it won't change. I don't know your background so I'm afraid I can't speak to your situation with not letting her back, but I don't think you can keep your mouths shut regarding violence. At least she will know you know.

Having had to deal with some of this with friends, etc, honestly, the more you tell her he's a loser, she needs to leave him, whatever, the more she's just going to cut you out. If you want to Help her, stop talking about him. Tell her you love her, you're there for her, if she needs something, let you know. Anyone else talking to her should do the same. The more you bash him, the more she will defend him, the more she will feel like you are bashing her.

Unfortunately, most of the time you do have to just sit on your hands until they see the light on their own. All you can do is offer a safe place.

People that stay in abusive relationships aren't stupid and no one deserves to stay. Most of the time, people that stay in an abusive relationship have been threatened and beaten down and believe that they deserve it - when other people out there are communicating in anyway that this is correct, they feel even worse about themselves and more like they Do deserve the abuse. Many are threatened "I'll find you and kill you if you leave me" "I can't live without you, if you left I'd kill myself" and threats to family and friends that would harbor the abused are common. People in abusive relationships feel guilt, feel obligation, feel they have no where to go and feel that others will blame them for what's happened, much like rape victims.

I would look online or call a domestic abuse hotline and ask for advice from professionals, but attacking her boyfriend in any way will most certainly not help. She has to be ready to leave. Many victims will actually go back and need to leave several times before they call it quits for good. If it happens, and you really care about her, you can't judge her. Yes it's stupid, and awful and so very very painful to watch, but You can't force it. If she's willing, try to help her get some therapy, but mostly, you just need to let her know you're there for her unconditionally.

Your post caused a big flashback for me. My BD (about 20 at the time) got involved with an abuser -- at least psychologically but I expect it escalated into physical abuse too. She left town with the asshole, told us she wasn't living with him (I knew that was a lie). Eventually she called me sobbing and asked if I would send her $50 so she could buy gas to come home.

This was shortly after DH and I got married and thought we had kids out of the house. So, BD comes home. She was a MESS. Eventually she got an apartment and moved out. Her dad (my ex) and I were paying for community college and helping with rent so she could go to school and work.

BD tells me one day that she's going to see Loser again "just to make sure it's over." Oh shit, pardon my French, how can this child of mine be so stupid? You guessed it -- Loser moves in with her, which she denies. Finally, when BD doesn't show up to a lunch date with me and I'm sure she's dead, my ex and I go to her apartment where, sure enough, Loser is essentially keeping her from seeing us. Ex goes ballistic, we throw the Loser out on his ass and call the cops. (I had co-signed the lease so they were willing to call the apartment mine and he was trespassing.)

More drama, more drama, but eventually BD, through serious counseling, realized that her dad and I probably saved her life. BD is graduating from community college this spring after many fits and starts and has found some actual excitement in education and wants to continue on for her bachelors. She swears she won't go down that dark and scary road again, and I keep my fingers permanently crossed.

Worst experience of my life. To this day, if there were a way to kill this man without getting caught I would still probably do it. Do NOT get between me and my child.

Anyway, one thing you can do is to get in touch with a women's shelter. They usually have people who can advise on your particular situation and will help your SD formulate an exit strategy if that's what SD wants to do. You just can't MAKE SD do anything. I hope she doesn't self destruct.

I can tell you from experience, 9 years with an abusive a$$h*le, these men somehow know all the buttons. They make you feel like they are the only one who loves you. No one can love you better. "They're sorry", "it will never happen again" (until it does) then the cycle starts all over again. During "the honeymoon" period (between the times they hit) they are gold! So sweet, loving, kind. Mine was anyway. He would make me see why I fell for him in the first place, think it really WAS the last time, then one wrong word, one wrong move, if I put on a shirt he didn't like, BAM!

My ex (verbally/physically) abused me and made me believe it was somehow MY fault. I was a bad person, I didn't love him as much as he loved me or I would just do what he said. He didn't like hitting me, I made him, with my defiance. He was the victim here, I just couldn't DO anything right. He needed to teach me. With force if need be. He would take my car keys and hide them so I couldn't leave. Lock himself and my kids in a room knowing I would not leave without them! He convinced me to quit my job after we had started living together (another way to control me). This was before he ever started hitting me. I just thought he was old fashioned and it was cute. He convinced me to have kids with him. Even while pregnant he would sit on top of me holding me down, scream and spit in my face. Later, I tried to get other jobs, he would show up and cause a scene, and I would be "let go". He did everything he could to ensure total control of me.

His "favorite" was to grab my hair and jerk my head back and forth. I now have three ruptured disks in my neck. I also have to take pain medication, he started stealing them and became addicted. He actually told me once "If it weren't for me you wouldn't get those pills, I deserve half" I'd never taken more than tylenol before him.

Then in April of '06 a very close friend committed suicide. It made me realize how short life really is. I put myself thru college (fighting, literally, for every A. I graduated w/honors) got a job and started saving every penny I could, that he would not miss. He would get up every morning w/my alarm and beg for me to stay home with him. Crying, I didn't love him or I would! He started hitting him self, then threatening to call the police and say I did it. I missed a lot of days because of him. I was working my trauma room (I worked in the e.r) and my elderly patient slipped and I caught her, further injuring my neck. They let me go, too. I was a liability due to my injuries.
Then in April of '09 my little brother was killed in an auto accident. I was already planing my escape at that point. I just didn't know how w/o my job. I sued workers comp and won (without him knowing). It was enough for me to leave, finally. My brother left a large house and 10 acres for my mother to care for. So we moved in with her for a little while. Until I could get back on my feet.

These men have to dominate in the beginning. Push and pull your self esteem so low you feel like dirt beneath their feet. If it would help, print this and show your Sd. If my story can save one young girl the life of pure hell I lived for 9 years. I can live with that. Not all men hit. My Fdh doesn't even yell at me! He is such a sweetheart. My kids and I are blessed to have him in our lives.