dh email: I am obsessed with ss & shunning me is okay
My dh sent an email and part of the email consists of the following:
"the reality that at no time have you addressed my central issues, of which the most important are your negative obsession with my son and your regular accusations that I am abusive emotionally, financially and in other ways. Those lead you to behaviors that that destroy my peace and that I am no longer willing to tolerate.
You accuse me of shunning you, and you are right insofar as that means establishing some emotional distance. That is not trying to get rid of you, though. Indeed, it is the opposite. Distance is the only way that I can see that we can survive in something like a marriage and in the same physical place unless there are dramatic and permanent changes in those central core matters. I have spelled out my core complaints in earlier emails since you have been in... in numerous conversations (that's a euphemism) over the years.
You have either denied that you behave in they ways that I find untenable or have tried to justify them. There is zero indication you are willing to change those stands. And there is zero chance that I am going to endure a repeat of them. So, where does that leave us?...
That gets us back to shunning. If, as it seems, we cannot get along in the "loving couple" modality, maybe there is an another, more emotionally distant way that will work since real positive change seem beyond at least one of us, maybe both."
He wants to continue our marriage and to continue it by shunning me. I have tried to explain that I am not obsessed with his ds. It is that his ds is so rude to me and also shuns me.
How do I process this type of email? Have any of you been in marriage where being shunned by your dh or dw is considered to be okay? I am at my wits end. My emotions are just a mess. I feel as if though I have been thrown off balance and I am trying very hard to stand up straight. All this because of ss who is 47 year old.
Your DH is the one who is
Your DH is the one who is obsessed with his grown son. They are co-dependents. If I remember correctly, you and your DH cannot even go away together without constant communication between the two of them.
But he wants to put it all on you.
If he is not willing to see his part in this, I don't know what you can do.
You nailed it.
You nailed it.
She said "douche canoe", I am
She said "douche canoe", I am stealing that one right away.
There are several things in
There are several things in your DH's message that screamed out that something just isn't right. He says he isn't trying to get rid of you. It sounds like he wants you to continue to live in the same home while he shuns you - until YOU change. This is a bit confusing. Nowhere in his message did he mention the word, "Love". So there has to be another reason he does not want you to leave. Personally, I would not be able to live with a man who is so cold and hostile. His email does not deserve a response other than acknowledging that you have received it and are processing it.
Your DH openly admitted he was shunning you to gain emotional distance. It seems as if both of you are so stuck in polarized conflict that the real issues are hidden from view. You wrote in an earlier post that he refused to continue with marriage counseling when the subject of SS was brought up. It does not appear that communication is going to improve when there is no willingness to cooperate or communicate. Perhaps a trial separation - and some PHYSICAL distance - would give you and your DH time to see the situation as it really is.
Ya, I agree. This guy is
Ya, I agree. This guy is scared.
My dh is 70 years old and has
My dh is 70 years old and has a ph.d. It never occurred to me that he would be scared of losing some of his money. If he thought that his attorney did not write up a secure and unbreakable post-nup why would he still continue to use the same attorney? That is why I never question the validity of the post-nup. I did go see an attorney and she said that I could fight the post-nup on the basis that it was cruel and "an insult to the court." However, I am also well educated, but stupid in love matters it appears. So I doubt the court would think that I did not know what I was signing.
I was really surprised by the reaction to his email. I did not notice that he does not speak of love. I find it quite odd that I did not notice it. I guess I have been conditioned.
It wasn't meant to be a
It wasn't meant to be a letter with any declarations of 'love'. It is nothing more nor less than a letter of business. He isn't requesting you stay and he isn't demanding you leave... but he is telling you that you may stay however it will be nothing more than a marriage of convenience.
There are clear rules for pre
There are clear rules for pre and post nups. One of the big ones is that for it to be valid, you would've had to have your own attorney review and negotiate it. It has nothing to do with your intelligence. If the post nup was only written by his attorney, without one of your own involved in the process, it will not hold up in court.
Go back to the attorney, start divorce proceedings, ask for 1/2 of the marital assets and for the prenup to be thrown out on the grounds of undue duress and lack of attorney for you as well as cruel.
With all due respect, never
With all due respect, never ever insult yourself - enemies will do it for you. But love yourself.
Have your DH committed. He's
Have your DH committed. He's nuts! He's not mentally stable enough to handle his $$$$. I would visit with his doctor and your attorney and set this man straight for good. Seriously!
My DH and I have had our trials, especially this past year, but NEVER would he do this. My DH is also obsessed with SD55; but he has never signed his $$$$ over to her or talked to me this way. He has NEVER wrote me emails or letters; we've had loud words and discussions, but always understood the emotion.
We've been married 36 years and anything my DH tries to change; he will be brought up on mental aging issues.
It sounds like he feels
It sounds like he feels frustrated and unheard by you. I'm going to guess that because his life is complicated, you have the view that the problem is him and his kids (and maybe his ex). Meanwhile, he needs some changes from you, but you don't listen to what he says to you. He is not feeling heard. Remember that marriage is a partnership, and his needs are as important as your needs. It's a give and take, not just take.
Men often behave like him when they want to avoid feeling pain from someone they love. They're there, but they're not there. Alternate strategies are working too much, drinking to dull the pain, a perpetual adolescence. They all keep them from having to emotionally interact, and it's the last resort of a desperate man who wants to do the right thing and honor his commitment.
If you value your marriage and your husband, it's time to start listening to him and doing what he needs from you. Limit your nagging, become more feminine, and start focusing on what he's doing right instead of always telling him what he's doing wrong. You've been emasculating him, and that is very painful for him and makes him very unhappy.
You once thought him respectable enough to marry. Where did that go? Men need our love and respect to want to love us and keep us safe. Men are not the same as women. No matter how much they love a woman, if it's all complaints all the time, no softness, no sweetness, and no smiles, they're going to fall out of love.
Yes, now that I have context
Yes, now that I have context even though I don't spend enough time on here that I automatically know a poster's history, I would soften my message.
However, we are very clearly getting half of this story. She is as innocent and flabbergasted as can be in each of her posts, but her description of her husband's behavior is very detailed. Hmm.
I've learned in life that it is very rare to have a situation like she describes without the sudden onset of mental illness (possible) or without contributing toward the problem.
This poster wants respondents to be outraged and concerned for her. There is no admission of personal responsibility or reflection toward how she contributes to her life's problems. Therefore, based on these two things, I'm going to still consciously choose to step off of the "he's abusive and you're perfect" angle that she seems to want to solicit in her respondents.
OP lost me falling for the
OP lost me falling for the 'poor victim is me' routine clear back on the post-nup. Anyone agreeing to sign a post-nup for $25,000 at the ten year marriage mark has much more to the story than what's being presented here.
JMO, but taking into consideration the 'facts' OP has given 1. Married 26yrs; 2. Her vehicle year being 16-17yrs ago; and 3. Sixteen year old fur coat being listed in the signed post-nup. The post-nup was drawn up at least 10yrs in and something had to have happened to prompt it's call for existence.
Who signs such an agreement slicing their own throat ten years in on such a dysfunctional marriage? *shrugs*
"WTH kind of advise is
"WTH kind of advise is this?"
The advice of a person who read her post without the context of her previous posts.
Settle down.
I agree, Plumbs. Yes, there
I agree, Plumbs. Yes, there IS probably tow sides to the story. But if my DH wrote an email like that to me I would be very nice at all! And I DEFINITELY would not be striving to "become more feminine".
I just spat out my gum right
I just spat out my gum right onto my computer screen!
^^^Yes, read up on "gas
^^^Yes, read up on "gas lighting." This is exactly what your husband is doing to you. Don't "process" the email or any other communications he sends you; just get away from him.
^^^^^^this Sorry, this is not
^^^^^^this
Sorry, this is not a loving marriage.
I saw the same therapist for
I saw the same therapist for 2 years. We also saw a marriage counselor in the same group/office. I was brutally honest with my therapist. My therapist never suggested I was in a relationship that was unhealthy for me or that my dh was being abusive. She just suggested strategies for interacting with my dh. If she had said what most of you have written, I would have been out of my marriage a long time ago.
What you wrote, sounds right. It feels right in my bones. When I used to end my session with my therapist what she suggested did not feel right. She even said that if my dh passed that maybe I could invite my ss over for dinner once in a while. I told her that is never happening. She just looked at me when I said that. The therapist also has a Ph.d and has been a therapist for over 30 years. I am now very angry at her. I cannot believe that I am so inept at reading people.
After putting up with abuse
After putting up with abuse from SD and being gaslighted by DH for over 20 years, SD had a gigantic meltdown while DH ran out the door. Our insurance offered a telephone therapist program. After the meltdown I called to express my concerns. When I told her about horrible treatment I had endured such as slamming doors in my face, putting me down, yelling at me, etc., she responded: "Your DH is conflicted. You should not expect him to choose you over SD." She was quite hostile throughout the remainder of the conversation. Something didn't sit right with me either. Luckily I did something I had never done before in my marriage - I discussed it with friends and family. They suggested I get another therapist. Her response was entirely different. She helped me to constructively address the ongoing issues with DH. With her help I gained self-confidence to confront DH calmly but firmly.
When reflecting on the first therapist, it occurred to me that have might have been a SD herself with certain prejudices which somehow found their way into the way she performed her job. I must have pushed a button with her.
It is possible that your DH knows how to fool people into thinking he is an intelligent, giving, loving husband - even a therapist. Find another therapist you feel comfortable with - after you see your lawyer.
Absolutely no offense to
Absolutely no offense to therapists, because if you find the right one, they are fantastic, but the profession with one of the highest suicide rates is psychologists--that tells you something. If something doesn't sound right to you, it probably isn't. You need to shop for a therapist just like you shop for a pair of shoes--the fit has to be right and if they don't fit, don't buy.
You guys are stuck between a
You guys are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and from the looks of this letter this man does not cherish you. Me? I'd rather be alone.
OK, I was reading this not
OK, I was reading this not knowing your SS is 47 until the last sentence. HOLY CRAP, is your husband kidding?
First, if I ever received such a cold, businesslike letter from my husband I would respond to it only with a cold businesslike letter... from my attorney.
Second, his son is OLDER THAN I AM. That is CRAZY.
I am sorry you are going through this. I don't know that I would put up with that in a marriage.
Dear enuf, please stop trying
Dear enuf, please stop trying to dissect the actions of your DH.
As one previous poster hit on, your DH sounds like a narcissist.
These are people with no empathy or conscience. They (by default) don't think it's them with the problem.
Sadly, many 'therapists' are still unaware or not understanding of this very common disorder.
TRUST YOUR GUT. This man is incapable of making you happy. Escape this mad house and find some peace in your life before it is too late.
It is starting to sound like
It is starting to sound like a scary situation. Narcissism does explain my dh actions, among them is gaslighting, he has always denied that my ss actions saying that I actually make it up and that it never happened. One time my ss would not let me pass when the I boarded the plane, I was the last one on and I was walking on the aisle, he jumped up from his seat and blocked me, telling me to give him my ticket because he was going to sit with his dad. He did not know that you did not need a ticket, that he could just sit with him if the seat was empty.
My dh keeps up denying that his ds did this. That I just made it up to make him look bad. I wonder where the sky marshall was on the plane. I kept on hoping there was one to have him kicked off. As ss tone of voice was quite mean and blocking a passenger, even though it was me, should have alarmed someone.
Narcissism, also explains my ss behavior. He has shunned me forever, let doors shut on my face, raised his voice to me etc. Is narcissism heredity? Do individuals get violent to get their way? Dh has already done a financial number on me, and I managed to work around it. I keep on wondering what could be next, but cannot forsee anything else.
Even though dh is a multi-millionaire he has always said that it is ds money. However, my dh actions have become more frugal since I stayed in Arizona. For instance, I had given my dh some woolen clogs to wear about a year ago. He wore them everyday inside the house and in public. He loved them to the point that he wore them out, holes in the woolen part. He had cancelled my access to amazon in which I would access Kindle books. Even though, I can still see what is in the amazon cart, but not order anything. There were a pair of clogs for $110. I am still in the house until January 6th, then I fly out. So the other day he walks and tells me that he was going to buy come clogs, but they wore too expensive so instead he bought a $15 pair of slippers to wear out. I could not believe it, but yet he also sprays paint his crocs to make them look better. It just seems abnormal for someone to have as much money as dh does to wear slippers out in public because he wants to save more for his ds inheritance money pot.
If anyone has had extensive interacts with a narcissist please let me know what other actions to expect. I feel so naive in this area.
Seven more days to go and I
Seven more days to go and I am on that plane. His ds called this morning and then he went to his moms and her dh, just called again and he is going to spend tomorrow with dh. Why does he not want a life of his own? How does his sf put up with him? Especially since the ex told my dh that ss shuns her dh daughters & gkids. SS calls his dm just as much as he calls my dh, even when they are on vacation. How does sf put up with all the constant intrusions? They have been married longer than dh and I. Ss has even told my dh that he has been a jerk to his sf. I wish I new his secret.
Hi Enuf, glad that you're
Hi Enuf, glad that you're getting out. Stay safe 'cuz you're dealing with some bat-shit craziness there. Good luck