Christmas and SD23 this year -- opinions and thoughts please....ug
So I will try to keep this short and sweet. My SD23 and I do not have a relationship, and she has not been allowed in our home since June 2011. She now has a baby, who is almost one. I have never been allowed to see him, was not allowed at the hospital, or the baby shower. I have made attempts to make things right with her, even though she was the one who caused all the problems -- but because my husband wants one big happy family, I have made attempts because of him. She won't budge.
So SD23 broke up with baby daddy about a month ago and has been living with his parents since then. She won't ask to live with us -- we have gone that route far too many times, and DH and I have almost ended up divorced because of her. So while she was still with her boyfriend, my DH would ask her many times "is it ok if SM comes over with me (DH) if even for 10 minutes so that we can start trying to get along, and so that she can see the grandbaby?" Even told her that if at any point she felt uncomfortable she could tell us to leave! Seriously. She would never let me come over.
So now Christmas is coming up, she's living with her ex-boyfriend's parents, and now my DH is feeling guilty. He wants to invite SD23 over on Christmas. I don't want her here. She has ruined every holiday that she has ever been apart of -- even Valentines Day! She is an ungrateful brat. I told him that this is how I saw it going down -- she would come over, congregate with her siblings, they would then proceed to mock me, make fun of me, make snide comments, completely ignore me, shun me, etc, and that my DH would allow it to happen, be completely unaware and then by the end of the day I would be hurt, upset and completely pissed off. Yah, that is how I want to spend my holidays.
This girl has called me all sorts of names no matter what I do. No matter what I do for her, things I buy for her, things I do for her, no amount of niceness towards her - - she still hates my guts. I honestly have no idea why she hates me so much.
My husband and I are Christians so then he will say to me "What would Jesus Do" -- to be honest, that gets right in my craw, meaning ticks me off. I have put up with so much from that girl -- do I really have to continue to put up with her over and over and over? I told him no, I did not want her here. I told him that we could do a family get together on Christmas Eve -- and then Christmas Day she could come here and I will leave and go be with my parents and my sister.
Anybody have any thoughts, opinions on what to do?
I don't blame you for not
I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her, I wouldn't want to either. And I wouldn't.
She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be around you so DH should wonder why she would even accept an invitation (we know it's because she would have reinforcements). I would not give her the opportunity to ruin your holiday in your own home.
As the head of a Christian
As the head of a Christian household, your DH needs to step up and be the head. He needs to straighten his kids out and firmly let them know what he expects. And he needs to support his wife.
It sounds like he spared the rod and spoiled the child.
Bullshit. You can get rid of
Bullshit. You can get rid of adult skids.
No SM in her right mind should allow horrible skids to use the grandskids as pawns. The bio GP can see them outside of the home.
Producing a crotch dropping does not give the adult skid permission to inflict new damage.
Your first mistake
Your first mistake apologising for things "she" did. That just gives her more power and makes her think you are a fool.
Absolutely NO way should you invite her over. She needs to show some signs of wanting to change and wanting a relationship with you.
What would Jesus do. Well perhaps her father needs to ask her that question, and does your DH think Jesus would think it acceptable for your DH to allow his daughter to disrespect you his wife, and one of God's children.
I have been down the road of trying so very hard for the sake of my husband. It almost ended in divorce and has certainly ended with SD never being allowed back into my home no matter what.
Once they have these babies they instead of becoming loving compassionate mothers who wish to raise their child in a loving home with grandparents, they look at these poor babies as tools to manipulate daddy with. Is this what Jesus would do.
Perhaps your husband should try a bit harder to respect his wife and make sure his daughter does too.
Sorry, but I do get really cross with men like this. They think the wife has to do all the work to "make" their daughters polite, well mannered human beings. That was his and her mother's job to do. Just because they failed doesn't mean you should have to suffer the consequences and pick up the slack with their child. Good luck hon. I hope you stand your ground here and your husband instead of supporting his rude daughter, supports his wife.
I so appreciate all the
I so appreciate all the responses and support. I agree that when my DH brings it up again WWJD, I should ask him if Jesus would like that he has allowed his children to treat me the way he has? Isn't he (DH) supposed to love me like his own body? Love me as Christ loved the church? I don't feel that has been the case. He has not protected me AT ALL from their disrespect and hate. Why would I want yet another holiday ruined? I don't. He is the one living in this fantasy thinking that she has changed.
He told me a while back that 'she is warming up to you.' Oh really. Okay, so I believed him and unblocked her from facebook -- didn't add her, just unblocked her. Well, she figured out that I unblocked her and that very same day SHE BLOCKED ME, but yet, she's warming up to me? Really??! DH what planet was she warming up to me on! His fantasy planet. Not earth, that's for sure.
My SS22 asked me tonight when I got home from babysitting what the plan was for Christmas Eve. I said well, I thought you and your fiance were coming here and we were spending it together. Then he asks me if SD23 is coming. I told him no. Then I felt the need to explain. He sat looking at me with this blank stare. At the end of the conversation, he says "I don't know" -- and "maybe you need to be the mature one here" -- I said that I have been the mature one over and over. I then walked away and went to bed. Obviously, I'm talking to brick walls with these people because nobody gets it in this family.
The crazy thing is that SS22 is actually the one I like.
For the last month I have been trying so hard to be positive, focus on the positives, write only positive things in my journal, etc. Then I was sitting in my chair the other day and just thinking "I don't give a crap" -- about anything. I just don't care. I am so depressed. It could be hormonal, I don't know, but I don't even care about Christmas this year even. I don't want to decorate, do a tree, nothing. I still have yet to decorate the house. I don't care. My Mom told me I'm situationally depressed -- I'm taking anti-depressants, etc. Can't imagine if I wasn't taking anything. I'd probably be in a ditch.
I've often thought if something ever happens to him, I will never have anything to do with his kids ever again. i will completely write them out of my life for good and that will be a happy day in my life. Awful huh? and morbid. Can I be that honest?
thank you step aside. it's
thank you step aside. it's easy for those who aren't being hurt to say, "forgive", "be the mature one", etc, ie my DH and SS22. Thankfully quite some time ago I took my SD17, SS19 and SD22 off of FB pages along with any relatives of theirs -- everytime I would see any of their posts it would trigger me, and I would be angry.
My husband has to be on the same page as me in order for things to get better. He sees some things, but still parents largely out of guilt. The last time his SD17 screamed in my face, his 'talk' with her to be more respectful to me was in the form of a question "can you be more respectful to DH and SM?" Really? That's it? if that would have been my daughter...she would not get away with speaking to anybody like that.
She has been raised right.
Just blows my mind some days -- most days.
Exactly!! Why can't they
Exactly!! Why can't they (DH) just stand firm and strong in their stance for us, and just tell skids "if you can't treat my wife with the respect that she deserves, you won't be seeing us." Period! I don't get it! And stand up for us WHEN it happens. Rip their heads off, not tip toe around it. I know if my daughter acted that way, I would rip her head off! And she knows it! But she still respects it, respects boundaries, respects people, etc. She has never been allowed to be disrespectful to anyone -- I would never allow her to. Her is just so permissive and passive. Drives me nuts!
Aww, pretty please??
Aww, pretty please??
You didn't see Jesus
You didn't see Jesus screaming at Joseph, at the age of 23, "You're not my father!!!".
^^^ So True!
Momof5 - Lots of good advice
Momof5 - Lots of good advice in here from the sage council of experienced SMs! To add my small bit, I think you are on the right path by planning to spend Christmas Day with your own family.
Since SS also seems to be jumping on the "why don't you be nice and extend olive branch to SD" bandwagon now, then maybe ALL of the skids could come over on Christmas Day and spend it with their dad, when you are with your own family.
That's what I'm doing this year; although it wasn't by design necessarily. It just works out that I will be with my family out of town, and the skid(s) can spend the day with their dad while I'm gone. He and I will have our own private Christmas the day before I leave, so we will enjoy our own holiday time together - alone.
Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to it. Even though the skids are never rude to me they are very emotionally distant and pretty much unresponsive - and I'm not going to miss it one bit!
Life is short - I am glad I am spending the day with family members who care about me instead of dealing with all the rest of this crap and worry about what will happen or not.
I think you will find the same thing - spend the day with your LOVED ONES and enjoy their company. Who knows, it may all work so well that you will have a new tradition to follow from now on - which won't include any of the skids' drama.
Oh - and it goes without
Oh - and it goes without saying that I am not going to be doing any of the prep work for Christamas Day. If they want to eat, drink and be merry then they can all figure it out. I'm not doing the grocery shopping, cooking in advance, etc.
All I've asked is that he
All I've asked is that he stand back, if all hell breaks loose, because this gal is not about to prostrate herself ever again.
^^^^ EXACTLY.
Whether you invite her into your home or not should be YOUR decision after all that has happened. But IMO, if she is invited both her and your husband should understand that if she cannot treat you with respect in your own home she will kindly be asked to leave at once!!!
There should be conditions or understandings with the invite and if your husband isn't the "head of the household" and cannot handle the responsibility of being the provider AND protector of his wife/home then maybe the SD shouldn't come.
In other words, if she is going to come into YOUR home and not speak to you and try to start a lynching party really what is the point. Your DH should get that!
We are talking about a 23 yo! Is she a christian? Cannot your husband see that just because she is 23 doesn't mean that she should be allowed to talk to an "elder" in that manner?
I agree with StepAside you can toss bible back and forth between you and DH all day but what really matters is DH protecting you and your home!
WWJD? Jesus would pull out
WWJD? Jesus would pull out the whip and start lashing people, turn over their tables and generally cause a lot of havoc.
^^^ THIS!
All you ladies are making me
All you ladies are making me laugh -- all of it! I love it. Thank you for that. In a very serious situation, laughter is much needed! Thank you!
After I raised my voice to DH and said "I'm NOT doing it!" His comment to me was "okay well, we'll pray more about it." Sigh. I'm not changing my mind. And yes, in thinking about it -- he's using my relationship with Jesus to manipulate me! I have forgiven her -- repeatedly! However, I don't want to put myself in that position anymore. I don't care if he is having guilty dad syndrome right now -- he should have guilty husband syndrome going on for not protecting me from these four brats!
I told him if the rolls were reversed and these were my four children treating him this way -- he wouldn't have stuck around. He says he thinks I'm wrong. I don't think so. I don't think he would've lasted the first year!
Exactly -- just what I posted
Exactly -- just what I posted above. i never would have allowed that kind of behavior! Why our DH's do is beyond me.
Ahh! Well actually I seem to
Ahh! Well actually I seem to remember Jesus cracking the shits with the guys who were using his father's house as a market place. Went right off that day he did. Guess the message from that is, sooner or later we all have to stand up for what WE believe is right for us.