Carolyn Hax: Mother and SM at the bridal shower
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-grandpa-to-bes...
Dear Carolyn: My parents are divorced; my dad left my mom for another woman 10 years ago. My mother and my stepmom have never met. My father and mother do not speak to each other.
In a few months we are planning to throw a bridal shower for my brother’s fiancee. The shower will take place at my mother’s home and will be small and informal. My question is, is it rude not to invite my stepmom? Help!
Anonymous
With parents a decade into not speaking thanks to an extramarital affair, it seems perverse to nibble at a question of guest lists.
They will have to face each other eventually. They owe it to everyone not to hold this first meeting on a day that involves a guest of honor. Please, not. While guest etiquette varies by culture, surely we can agree that a guest’s paramount obligation is to refrain from becoming a sideshow.
It’s also not ideal, of course, for you to get any more deeply involved in your parents’ drama than you’re required to as host.
So try staking out the middle: “Mom, you don’t deserve this, but it’s inevitable: I’m worried that you and Stepmom will meet for the first time at one of my or Brother’s celebrations. How should we handle this?” Dad gets the same request, minus the sympathetic preamble. It’s no guarantee, but it is a start.
As for the shower: A small, informal one needn’t include your stepmother, but if it does, I suggest not serving pies, projectiles or anything warmed on open flames.
The girl doesn't say what
The girl doesn't say what relationship SHE has with the stepmom. That seems pretty pertinent.
Just curious- what would make
Just curious- what would make you think that the BM would not be invited? It is her daughter's party after all? I would have expected her to be there or at least thought to inquire about that.
Knowing my own mother, she
Knowing my own mother, she would flip out if the "other woman" was invited into HER home. Meerkat has a great suggestion of it being at a neutral location. I do hope that the two mothers can put aside their differences, be adults and focus on the new union that will take place and not past hurts.
If they're all invited can I
If they're all invited can I come over and watch? I'll be the caterer supervisor or something.
OK I wouldn't WANT to be
OK I wouldn't WANT to be invited to anything at BM's house. So, first off, maybe SM doesn't WANT anything to do with them??? Why does everyone assume SM is going to get all bent out of shape about shit like that???
Also...why should BM have to consider inviting SM into her house? I would never, ever consider inviting BM into my house.
DH and I met years after DH
DH and I met years after DH and BM divorced. The first few years of the marriage BM and I encountered each other two times. She was cordial, said, "Hi" to me. Fast forward 20 years later, we run into BM at a work reunion. It is obvious she is very angry with me, I have no idea why. All I can imagine is that SD was wagging her tongue. So time does not always heal wounds - even if they are not quite justified.
At the beginning of our marriage BM and I would have at least been civil to each other if we attended a shower. Today it doesn't appear so.
The SD did not mention what her relationship with her SM was. If they are on speaking terms, I agree with notasm - more than one shower.
I don't see anything wrong
I don't see anything wrong with Carolyn's answer, but even as a stepmom who was not the OW, I wouldn't attend a shower at BM's house. If and when my stepkids get married, I would probably throw a shower of my own for my female family members and friends that know them and would like to attend. That way people I know could participate and no one would have to be uncomfortable having to be around BM. My mom and sisters would probably want to go to a shower for SD or SS's fiancé and I would never subject them to going to one that BM threw.