Handing you some tissues, now Hon stop crying....... it's not worth it,

Calm down and ignore DH some more. but tonight will be the night where you have a stern talking with this man.

You will make it clear, that you are his wife and his first priority, his children are adults and married, their spouses should be their go to persons, not their father. Tell him he will be the reason why his son in law leaves his daughter .. he should simply tell her ask your husband over and done with.

Have a go at him for wasting his money, we all know SD called him cause she planned for him to pay her bills as well, he's been played and to stupid to see it.

Make it clear to him that there will be no more money spending on adult children, no more jumping when adult skids demand, You are his wife, not his maid. Make it very clear to him either he step up as a husband or it will be the end of this marriage and you will make sure you are not on the loosing side of things.

If I recall you have shared finances, immediately split the money 50/50 and open your own bank account, make it clear to him, your money will not be used anymore, he has enough money to keep a mistress happy thus he can pay for everything in the house,

It's time to let your inner bitch go crazy on his ass and stick to it,

"He said last night I should have known who I married, that he won’t stop “being there” for his daughter, and that I will essentially have to put up with it. This despite always telling me I’m his first priority."

I've heard this before - ie the "you should have known what you were getting into" argument. Like hell we should. You didn't know that your man was going to be infantilising his 30 year old daughter and treating her like she is 20 years younger than she is.

Like Acratopotes said - if you have shared finances, separate them immediately. I can't understand why anyone in a step situation has a joint bank account.
If he wants an enmeshed relationship with his adult daughter, its up to him, but I suspect he'll be doing it without you around, and I doubt any woman would put up with this state of affairs for long.

Dunno. My anger level would depend on a lot of things. The general state of our finances, how much DH contributes to the household, how much he's paying out to the skids, the level of emergency involved. I help my own adult kids out here and there, more the youngest than the others, unless you count the occasional meal out. But the thing is, they adore DH and are always friendly towards him. I hate when DH spoils Killjoy because she is such a bish. That is probably what is chapping your ass.

Most of us have probably had these moments, livid and wondering if we should divorce. Overall, my quality of life with DH is good, so I stay, for now.

This is a long-range view of your situation. If she's 30, you and husband must be facing retirement as your next big life change. At least in the U.S., retirement is very expensive. Health care costs after retirement are outrageous, even if you're healthy. If you're sick, it's almost unmanageable for even an above-averge income. This was the argument I used when SD made $$$ demands on her daddy: you raised her, paid for her education, she's out of the nest, and you and I must save for retirement (and here's the crucial part:) SO WE DON'T BECOME A BURDEN TO HER.

This is just a simple generational fact. If each generation takes their financial responsibility when they should, no one has to become a burden to anyone. But it takes a lot of planning, saving, and self control.

I'll just add this. The three-year mark was about the same time I was thinking of divorce and, "Oh my god, what have I done to my life by marrying this man who is already married to SD????" Give yourself some time to calm down and think how you might constructively negotiate with him. Take weeks to think it over. You can do this. You just need to make a better argument than SD. And because of the ridiculousness of her requests, this is easier to do than it seems.

Right now, put this out of your head and enjoy your being away. Remember you are employed, capable and your own woman. You'll figure this out when you're not so raw with emotion. You have some tools in the box that she doesn't and you must leverage them. The best way to edge out SD is to have a fantastic life with her father after making it clear that she's the point of contention between you. I think this worked for me (as much as was possible) and we got to an OK place. My husband no longer makes $$$ handouts to SD. But you must use that big brain of yours to outwit their emotional lock.

Helping out an adult offspring in need, is different than enabling a needy adult offspring.

An emergency is one thing, allowing himself to be used by his daughter and her husband, is another.

He is allowing this to affect his marriage and make his partner feel less than. That's just not okay.

My marriage was over within 4 years, for the same issues- financial support of adult SDs. When I raised concerns about his lack of retirement planning and the spending, he started hiding and lying about it. No way in hell was I going to support him in his old age out of my savings. I was living frugally, planning for the future and he was letting adult SDs spend like drunken sailors using his credit card.

Well.....this will not change, unless you change your situation yourself. I lived this for 30+ years and finally decided I needed to take charge of my own life.

To tell you how to make it happen is another issue. Only you know your finances and your options. Whatever....you need to take charge of your own life. Just do it, don't announce it to anyone.

You will never regret making the changes that set you free of this stress, whether it be stay and set it all straight, or leave and never look back. I stayed and took charge of my own life. I don't like controlling people, therefore, I don't tell my DH nor my SD what to do. I disengaged totally from SD and told DH if he didn't want to accept my decisions and boundaries, that I set for myself, he was welcome to go live with his lovely Princess. It was NOT an idle threat and I proved it (another story).

It is 99% better; the other 1% is because I still have to tolerate SD visiting DH about six times a year; that I can handle, but she no longer is a part of my life in any way. SD is history.

Make changes for you; do not expect their relationship to change, it will not totally go away!

((((hugs))))

Respond to his texts with one of your own. "Collect the dental bill money from your adult child NOW!. If you don't... be gone when I get home."

Sounds like the right message to me. Time to separate finances and inform him that as the husband in your marriage that it is his responsibility to provide and if he chooses to continue to be his 30yo daughter's beck-and-call boy/chore bitch/ATM that he will be responsible for all household and marital expenses without contribution from you. He can either step up as your equity life partner of move in with his daughter.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Tigerlily, if I remember correctly you are in Singapore or some other outlandishly far-off place. (grin) Even before you married you faced cultural issues that I have only read about in books. There is an age difference if I recall correctly. Add religion to that mix and I was surprised how you navigated it all. I remember the discussions of how you could choose to fade into the background and not rock the boat, or dress to the nines and walk proudly beside your SO.

The concept of "dutiful" daughters, appropriate quiet female roles and patriarchal families are anathema to many of us who live in a different society. I'm not saying it correctly but I acknowledge that you are looking at your life through an entirely different lens.

Would the idea of SO interfering in his daughter's marriage and dismissing her husband have any weight at all? I just don't get that it will factor one bit since he is a dutiful father directing in a helpful manner his loving daughter's life. He does not see the invasive quality to his help nor does he see the blatant manipulation of his daughter.

Staying quiet for now is probably wise. What do you want? What is your endgame? How do you want to live the next decade of your life? You are a strong, vibrant woman. Focus your thoughts before you speak with SO. Will he understand? Who knows. SD/SIL are merely distractions to your life.

Hi tiger I hope your ok x. I just wanted to say I know how u feel as I have been going this very similar with my dh and osd. She is also married but emotionally reliant on dh. Extremely manipulative and spoilt. Dhhas also told me his girls will always be his priority they mean it lol . I’ve tried to get him to give her boundaries but it made things worse for me and the push back saw dh go into a tailspin to keep her and make her happy. Now we are seperating because daddy daughter dates came before helping me recover from surgery. I don’t think these men will ever change. I hope for your sake yours does Mine doesn’t care he will end up alone as he will have osd to be his mini wife forever.

In the end it always ends up being about whether a spouse is a person with a spine and integrity. The spine is needed to do the right thing even when it is not easy, and the integrity is needed not to lie about it.

I have had my issues with my SS and his GF (aka Baby Mamma), but my DH does not make the problems worse. He asked if I could try to accept SS (knowing that SS had major issues). And I did try. But once it became untenable my DH accepted my disengagement. He has never tried to guilt me into accepting the unacceptable. And I appreciate that.

Tiger, I think you should STILL separate finances just in case, as some of the other posers have mentioned, he goes underground. Both of you could contribute to a joint fund that takes care of household expenses, plus put a certain amount into a joint retirement fund. The contribution should be at least 25% above what your expenses are for emergencies, etc. Make sure neither one of you can withdraw funds without the others' consent. Then whatever he has left he can spend it how he wants to.

I wonder what these leech Skids would say if DH told them he is fully expecting them to financially help him and YOU out when the two of you are retired and can't afford a dentist bill. It might be be interesting to find out what the answer would be, wouldn't it?

Ya, how about throwing all of this ATM stuff back at them? There is one poster on this site who footed 1/2 the bill for her SD's wedding but she was not invited, and her DH is being treated like dirt by SD. Wouldn't it be great to see the look on the SD's face when they tell her, "Don't sweat our contribution to your wedding. We KNOW you will giving us a fancy wedding anniversary celebration when we hit our 25th." LOL LOL

My DH placed money in SD's checking account for years while she was making more money than he was. If he had been putting that money in a retirement fund instead he would be much better off today. In fact, if he needed to purchase a new car he might be hard pressed to come up with the money. If I was not totally disengaged from SD it would give me great pleasure to inform her that DH needs a 'loan' from her. I know what the answer would be too.