Your worst mistakes
I have been a stepparent for a number of years now, and things have mellowed out considerably in my family to where most things are pretty routine. But my younger brother and his new wife are still in the early stages of all of this. I was talking to him tonight, and he seemed so depressed. He was depressed about having to deal with his ex, and also about having to deal with his new wife being upset about everything too. It made me think about the early days of my marriage and how tough all of that was at first. I told him to go easy on her, and that it is incredibly tough to be the stepparent.
But it made me think and reflect on my own situation. I don't know if anybody giving me advice back then would have eased my transition as a stepparent. I think by and large we humans learn best from trial and error. But I started thinking about all the mistakes I made and I thought I would start a thread about this so we can share our collective experiences with one another.
What were your worst mistakes in your early stages of your new situation?
What are some of the mistakes you made as a spouse?
What are some of the mistakes you made in your dealings with the ex?
What are some of the mistakes you made as a stepparent?
As a spouse, I think my number one mistake was trying to be too controlling as a parent. My situation was somewhat unique in that my husband had had very little interaction with his daughter when we first got married. She was less than 2 years old and he'd only been seeing her on a couple of afternoons each week up until that point. While I didn't have any children of my own, I helped raise my younger siblings and also some nieces and nephews. My husband is an only child and had almost zero experience with children. I immediately set myself up as the better authority on children and took the front seat as a parent. That dynamic has remained to this day and now that we have 3 kids together, I regret it wholeheartedly. He's more than happy to let me do it all, which was not how I envisioned it.
I also had a tendency to fight with him over "what if's" when I should have just let sleeping dogs lie whenver possible. A lot of times the stuff I agonized over maybe happening never did...and I made a mess out of my relationship with my husband worrying about it.
My biggest mistake with the ex was giving her my opinion too soon. I was easily frustrated by my husband not drawing firm boundaries with her initially and I got upset and started drawing them for him. I think I probably came off as a bit pathetic in those first few months as I butted in before I had time to form a relationship with the ex. I saw everything as a battle, when I just needed to chill a little bit. Also, I think I rubbed it in the ex's face a little too much at how closely my stepdaughter had bonded with me. I got some sort of sick pleasure out of that, but now I realize it wasn't very nice of me.
My biggest mistake early on as a stepparent was in that I was too uptight. Having my stepdaughter basically every other weekend for years, I think I was too rigid in how things had to be, and it took me awhile to loosen up. It took having my own children and realizing that rigidity doesn't translate into good parenting for me. Also, I wish I would have not wasted so much energy on nit picking her every flaw at first. I realized once I had my own children that I didn't do that to them, and that I wasn't being fair to my stepdaughter by noticing all of her bad behaviors.
Luckily, those days are long gone. While things aren't perfect, they have smoothed out considerably and we have a pretty happy little family for the most part.
So what about the rest of you? Care to share some of your early flaws? Maybe someone will learn something from them!
my mistakes
I definitely started out with rosier expectations out of ignorance.
1. I actually thought it would be a good idea to meet the BM BEFORE I met FSS. The way I saw it, if I knew my child were going to be around somebody else, I'd wanna know them.
I called her up and asked if she wanted to have coffee. She responded by telling FH that she never wanted to hear my voice again. I was really surprized by this at the time.
2. When FH moved in with me, it wasn't planned. I got a phonecall at 4am. BM had kicked him out in a rage, so that's when he moved in. I wasn't ready but he was very happy to move in with me. My place wasn't good for his kid so hew never saw it. It wasn't until 8 months later that we found a bigger place where FSS could have his own room.
Anyway, months later, I asked FH, "Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you should have gotten a motel room?" It hadn't and in retrospect we could have thought more about our living situation, but we figured that he wouldn't move out for another 6-8 weeks. We thought it would be better for FSS to make gradual transitions.
3. I did not meet FSS until perhaps 6 months after FH moved in. I think it should have been sooner. What happened instead is that FH would do things with FSS either outside somewhere, with or without BM or at the old place with BM. I felt like I was sharing custody of FH with FSS.
During holidays, FH would go over to BM's, and I'd be alone. Thus the beginnings of felling invisible. I put up with FH spending holidays at BM's even AFTER I met FSS until Father's Day of last year. That's when I said, "Do you enjoy being around her and away from me?" It just wasn't reflecting reality and this should have stopped sooner.
4. We should have talked to a lawyer sooner. Our custodial arrangements were very lopsided in favor of BM because FH simply did not know his rights. It did take a good talk with this lawyer, and by the way, I LOVE my lawyer, to feel like he did have the right to spend time with his son and to actually go on trips to see family, to have overnight visits period. Though I have to admit that initially for FH it was a bit of a vacation, not being dad all the time.
The other side of that was financial. If we had talked to the lawyer sooner, we would have figured out what is fair child and spousal support. Basically, we lost out on more than 10 thousand dollars because of ignorance.
5. My expectations of his son would have been lower. I did babysit a lot in my youth but lately hadn't been around many 12 year olds, which is a tough age. It kinda took my sister, who has 2 kids of her own to tell me that FH's kid is pretty good for 12, and compared to lots of kids described here, he's an angel.(sorry to all those less fortunate)
I'm sure I could think of more things but anyway, it's not so bad now.
Not being prepared was my biggest mistake
Second,I did not set ground rules up front.Eg This is whats for dinner, you will bathe,you will pick up after yourselves,no porn or no internet.But I took it for granted everyone knew these things and afterall they were supposed to be teenagers.To my husband I would demand to not be treated differently when they are there.Anyone else have a husband that gets distant when SK are around??
distant hubby
we have been living together coming up to 3 years now... my bf did go quiet when my kids came in the room. I noticed this and just sat back for a few months watching the dynamics between the kids and him. I finally just came out and confronted him with it. I told him it is ok that you don't like my kids ... i understand it takes a while to adjust to 2 other kids living in the house. But i do expect you to acknowledge them .... answer them when they speak .. and maybe even interact with them. Well guess what happened?? it worked.. he and they slowly started talking.. and it just grows better everyday. There is no more "walking on egg shells" when they are all in a room. I feel that by giving him permission to not like my kids was a big relief for him, and he could now focus on actually giving them a chance and getting to know them. There is a twist to this... i do not like his 7 yr old daughter at all... if i never saw her again it would be fine with me. I used to care/love her at first.. but after being yelled at by her, seeing tantrum after trantrum, watching her disrespect adults,friends, family over the years.. i have created a brick wall between us.. and now i find that i am the one that goes silent when she is around. I have not been given permission to dislike her... i got "if my actions don't change.. we can't go on." i have not changed and i am not going to. I'm making it sound like my man is mean... he is not.. we truly are soul-mates and the kids will not ever break us up .. .. so he has had to step up to the plate..since i stepped back from the plate.. and deal with her all the time... and its killing him..lol. he can't take it himself.
My biggest mistake...
was going toe to toe with BM from day one. My high and mighty big nose right in the middle of DH and BM telling them BOTH how it "should be". I think my existence, presence, constant influence and involvement caused more arguments...
Who was I to think that I knew what was best for them and their children?
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I've done it plenty as well.
I've done it plenty as well. I think it kind of goes with the territory. But it also goes both ways. BM has stuck her big nose in our affairs quite a lot as well. I wish I could've been "above it all" in the beginning and just acted more aloof around her than anything else. I let on too quickly that she got on my nerves, and she probably loved it.
My biggest mistake?
Does marrying the SOB in the first place count?
Blueberry's Baby
That definitely counts, and
That definitely counts, and I've had days where I've thought the same thing...
I truly
wish I would have waited until the last one was up and out. I could have dated him for 5 or 6 years---no problem. FOR ME, it was a big mistake to marry a man with EOW obligations. I would have NEVER married if he was the custodial parent, that I DID KNOW. I just don't have the fortitude for it. My days of selflessness are over. I've been there, done that. I should have respected myself and my needs more.
My worst mistake
was my exBF & thinking I could save him. But you can't fix stupid.
(I'm not bitter. :D)
Cajun Lady
Only one....
The only mistake I made was thinking we would ever truly blend. SD was so desperate for a mom, for mother affection, emotional intimacy, that it was easy in many respects. But I have put my own sons on the back burner for so long that we are just starting to recover our relationship.
My advice? Don't try so hard to make up for a dysfunctional bio parent, or to love your SK like you would your own. Focus on your own children's well being in the situation, and let your spouse deal with theirs.
I took on everything because I felt it was my responsibility to save this child. She appreciated it for a while until we won custody and BM stops imposing any rules. SD's loyalty was purchased easily by BM. Any attempt by DH and me to instill good, practical, decent values is undermined.
The child psychologist tells me all the time that SD is so lucky I am her SM, that she has a real mom to model after. BUT...
Sometimes I think she would have been better off with just DH and their alliance against BM. Seems the more I show SD normalcy the more attractive BM becomes.
Peace, love, and red wine
I hear you zenmom. My DH and
I hear you zenmom. My DH and I true expected this would be easy. Bm is a manipulative witch you encourages power struggles and my ex is a deadbeat alcoholic. We thought that we could just sub in for the other parent and function as a "normal" family unit.
Fast forward 3 years and DH still expects me to play the role of mom, that I can't, to kids who don't want me to in the first place. Sure, BM's a mess, but she's still their mom. I made a huge mistake thinking it would be different and have exhausted myself in the process.
We
should freeze frame this thread for people entering step-relationships.
like everyone else
I thought I could be the susbitute mom and the EOW, trying to insert my Parenting skills into kids that were too far gone for me to help.
Thinking that just because skids and mom lived so far away I was immune.
falling in love with a great guy who had BAGGAGE..
*stupid*
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I came into stepparenting in
I came into stepparenting in a totally different environment. My sd's mom has only my sd, therefore she has poured every single fiber of her energy into parenting this one child. She goes overboard in the other direction...the direction of being too coddling, too overprotective, too oblivious to reality. Since my dh was not all that close to his daughter for the first 3 years or so, sd became disproportionately attached to her mom. So for me, there was never any need to *be* her mom or fill that role for her.
However, in my case, sd craves female attention way more than she does male attention. She sought my attention out much more than she ever did her dad's, and that is still the case after all these years.
It used to be that my sd would literally never leave my side during a weekend visit. And she was (and kind of still is) entirely helpless. Her mom treats her like a 4 year old. I find this so stressful that there were times that I could easily have walked out the door. And then I had kids of my own with my husband and sealed my fate. No more walking out and not looking back.
If someone asked me for advice about getting married to someone with kids, I'd tell them not to do it. I don't regret marrying my husband, but if I could have avoided all the agony of those early years I might have saved my sanity and thousands of dollars on therapy. LOL. I would never tell someone that jumping in as a stepparent is a "good idea."
Why do you think that is?
Like you PP, my SD7 does not leave my side every weekend when she's with us. She has an incredible need for female attention and totally focuses on me vs. her dad. It's not that she has a poor relationship with him - quite the opposite. I don't know if it has to do with her relationship with her mom or what drives that sort of behavior. If she is asking permission for something, she always addresses me: "
Dee, can I do xyz" with her father sitting right there! I have not been able to figure it out yet.
I knew
that I didn't want to be a substitute mom. Inserting my parenting skills into someone else's offspring (in my opinion) futile & not time nor cost effective. My age doesn't allow me IDEALism. Most young inexperienced women are much sweeter than I am. They are willing to try, and God Bless them.
Where my stupidity came in was in assuming his kid was emotionally mature & would be ready to stop the EOW at a reasonable time & would want to do age appropriate activities like have a girlfriend, guy friends, be involved in sports & drive.
I knew
that I didn't want to be a substitute mom. Inserting my parenting skills into someone else's offspring (in my opinion) futile & not time nor cost effective. My age doesn't allow me IDEALism. Most young inexperienced women are much sweeter than I am. They are willing to try, and God Bless them.
Where my stupidity came in was in assuming his kid was emotionally mature & would be ready to stop the EOW at a reasonable time & would want to do age appropriate activities like have a girlfriend, guy friends, be involved in sports & drive.
I knew
that I didn't want to be a substitute mom. Inserting my parenting skills into someone else's offspring (in my opinion) futile & not time nor cost effective. My age doesn't allow me IDEALism. Most young inexperienced women are much sweeter than I am. They are willing to try, and God Bless them.
Where my stupidity came in was in assuming his kid was emotionally mature & would be ready to stop the EOW at a reasonable time & would want to do age appropriate activities like have a girlfriend, guy friends, be involved in sports & drive.
I knew
that I didn't want to be a substitute mom. Inserting my parenting skills into someone else's offspring (in my opinion) futile & not time nor cost effective. My age doesn't allow me IDEALism. Most young inexperienced women are much sweeter than I am. They are willing to try, and God Bless them.
Where my stupidity came in was in assuming his kid was emotionally mature & would be ready to stop the EOW at a reasonable time & would want to do age appropriate activities like have a girlfriend, guy friends, be involved in sports & drive.
I knew
that I didn't want to be a substitute mom. Inserting my parenting skills into someone else's offspring (in my opinion) futile & not time nor cost effective. My age doesn't allow me IDEALism. Most young inexperienced women are much sweeter than I am. They are willing to try, and God Bless them.
Where my stupidity came in was in assuming his kid was emotionally mature & would be ready to stop the EOW at a reasonable time & would want to do age appropriate activities like have a girlfriend, guy friends, be involved in sports & drive.
Mistakes
I guess I too felt we could really blend as a family. I knew it was not going to be easy and truthfully somethings have been much easier than I originally thought, but it is still tough to feel like you live with strangers.
I also assumed that because we are pretty similar in how we think that we would have similar parenting skills. This was probably my biggest mistake. How stupid of me to not take into account that he developed his parenting style with bm and bm and I are very different people so, therefore, our ideas about parenting and children are diametrically opposed. We are going on five years and like I have said before, I do NOT feel family like at all.:(
My dh is a great guy and I would not trade him for anything but it is very wearing on me to deal with all that goes with this step thing.
Georgie
Ooh!
I didn't know about the 2nd one! have you been holding out on us??
I was an old maid who never did get married til almost 40, so I know what you mean about missing your freedom, it is still a struggle to get used to 'checking in'-!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Ohh
I am sorry honey but don't give up . . . I kissed a million asshole frogs before getting my one good one, all you need is one!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
My biggest mistake...
Was telling the skids (and through them, BM) that I was pregnant. I was trying to think of the skids' feelings, wanting them to be prepared for a new sibling, wanting them to have plenty of time to get used to the idea, so we told them right away. It was the biggest mistake I could've made. BM saw her lawyer on the very next business day and filed a lawsuit to get more CS from DH. My whole pregnancy was ruined. Instead of being focused on ME, my DH was wrapped up in trying to save us from his money-hungry ex-wife. In her words, "if you have enough money to support a wife and her kid, then you're not paying me enough in CS. You have an obligation."
If I were to get pregnant again, which I am most certainly NOT, I wouldn't tell them until AFTER the baby was born.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)