Your Experience Having a Baby After Becoming a Stepparent
So another thread got me thinking...
DH and I have wanted a baby for the past year or so. I have been a stepmom to SD5 for 3.5 years and she's lived with us full-time pretty much the entire time. We're fairly close. A couple months ago, I miscarried a baby that was planned, and since then, I've been wanting to try again but all of the sudden have all sorts of nerves about it. Things like... what if SD gets really jealous of the baby? What if DH loves SD more than the baby? What if I get resentful of SD after having the baby? What if I can't hide that I love the baby more than SD?
I just have so many worries... mostly surrounding the idea that if things go wrong after the baby comes, DH and I could break up and my kid could be raised in a broken home. I don't think we'll break up as we have a fairly strong marriage and we worked most of our issues out a while ago. He's even told me that if things ever get difficult again given the whole steplife thing, he's willing to go to a counsellor who specializes in blended families.
But for the most part, I feel our family is pretty great. We all get along, so I don't know why I have these worries. I just don't know what to expect when it comes to having a baby as a stepmom. I feel like I'll want all of that excitement as a first-time mom, but i'm not really a first-time mom because I have SD. Like what if I want alone time with the baby and DH gets upset that I'm leaving SD out?
I fully plan on incorporating SD into it as much as possible and even having alone time with her to balance it out, but I know with the dynamic being different than an in-tact family, it's possible people will think I'm favouring or something.
What was your experience having a baby after becoming a stepparent? Are my worries totally unfounded?
Thanks!
Do you think it'd be worth
Do you think it'd be worth it? We actually don't have too many problems. He's fairly thankful for everything I do for SD, we get along great, he's not pushing me further than I want to with SD and in exchange it makes me happier to treat her as my own because he appreciates it. Our relationship and life is in a good place. I don't know where these doubts come from... I think it's the fact that I'm a big planner. I have put off having a baby for so long because I worry too much. You can't exactly plan for things that come along with having a baby/being a stepparent.
That's a good idea. I'm going
That's a good idea. I'm going to look into it.
Last time I was pregnant, we did tell SD (stupid because it was before 12 weeks) and unfortunately, we had nobody to watch her when I started showing signs of miscarrying, so she was in the hospital with her dad and I when I found out. I don't think she understood any of it at all and we didn't tell her much, but she did comfort me while I cried. It was actually amazing. For a 5 year old, she's got a lot of compassion. She kept bringing me tissues and hugging me. It's times like that where I really do love her.
But anyways, she was very excited. Every now and then when we're shopping, she'll see baby clothes and tell me to get it for the baby, so I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm still pregnant and she's very, very excited for a sibling. That's a small part of the reason I want to start trying sooner rather than later. I don't think we'll have too many problems, but like another poster mentioned, sometimes it's the adults that are the problem, not the kid.
Thank you. I'm doing much
Thank you. I'm doing much better now!
And I'm hoping my husband understands that it's my turn to be a first-time mom. We had a talk yesterday and I told him that I'll want my maternity leave for me and the baby. That means no bringing SD to school/picking her up, etc. just because I'm off work. He understood completely. I think he gets it, but he also sees me as SDs mom because her BM isn't around much.
I know we'll have some hard times where I have to remind him that it's my first time with a baby and I want to enjoy it. He's been pretty good about things and he's fairly happy with SD and I's relationship. I just worry because he really does want me to be a mom to her, and I have no problem doing that because I do love her, but once I have a baby, that'll be my focus for a bit.
I must worry too much about
I must worry too much about what other people think. lol. I've even started redecorating SDs room so when I get pregnant and start decorating a nursery, no comments are made about it.
I think a lot of becoming a
I think a lot of becoming a mother figure to SD came from my experience. I had so much love building up and ready to give to that baby, and once it was gone, I channeled that love into SD because she never got it from her BM. It made me unbelievably angry at BM and unbelievably sad for SD, knowing she never truly loved SD as she was able to walk away pretty much right after giving birth to her and barely ever looks back.
Thank you for making me feel less crazy about worrying! I feel a lot better and I think everything will be fine. I told DH as long as he can expect some bumps along the way because we're not an intact family, we should be okay.
My SS5then3.5 did very well
My SS5then3.5 did very well when I got pregnant and had BS1. I always tell other people it's the best spacing. When I was pregnant he didn't quite understand what was going on but he was excited because we were excited and we played up his importance. At 3/4 the kid is starting to be more into doing their own things without outside influences. They can play on their own and occupy themselves. Now that BS1 is in his toddler stage I can easily focus on him (like I did for SS when he was one) while SS5 is in kindergarten for majority of the day. For the most part both boys are obsessed with each other. SS5 likes to ask if I can dress BS1 like him because he likes to show BS1 "how to be a big kid;" currently he is begging that I let BS1 come with us to SS5's swim class so he can show him how to do it and they can play together after class in the kiddie pool. To be completely honest with you, we've recently started having trouble with SS5 being too rough with BS1. We don't think it's malicious but more like SS5 doesn't realize the age and size difference.
So forget about playing
So forget about playing favorites with the SD, sometimes men will even seem to favor one with the two that you have. Our older daughter is 3 and we just had our younger who is now approaching 4 months. DH showed very little interest in our second (even though he was the one who kept bugging me to have a second) up until recently. Like the last 2 weeks. He would change her and feed her and put her to sleep but he had very little desire to interact with her otherwise. He was the same way with our first for the first 3 months as well--but it seemed like forever.
Once they started smiling and cooing and interacting, then he went crazy with the doting, but boy, for a while I thought he didn't like them as infants. I was especially sensitive for our second one because before she was born, he would tell our daughter "You're always going to be my number one!" or joke about how he'll never love anyone as much as her, but I had to keep reminding him that even if it's a joke, it's hurtful. He stopped but it planted an unhappy seed in my head for a while, especially with the ambivalence he showed, even though he had done this once before too.
Now that BD2 is getting fun to play with, he carries her around, talks to her, plays with her, hugs and snuggles her and all of my fears from before kind of just dissipated. Of course, several times I got fed up with his disinterest and I had to drop BD2 into his arms many many times over the course of these four months and be like, "Here, she's smiling now. Let her remember you or else she'll hate you for the rest of your life."
I think men need to actually interact and bond with something before they fall in love with it, even if it's something they wanted to begin with. Now in the mornings, I wake up to hearing him babbling to her when he feeds/changes her before he goes to work and it melts my heart.
My older daughter gets a little jealous, like so minute I rarely even notice it, but if people don't keep trying to shove the baby into the older kid's face or change their lives that much, then at this age, they don't seem to really care and even want to help a lot (under heavy supervision of course because a toddler's gentle may not be all that gentle--at two months DB1 put her hand over the baby's mouth when she was crying and I had to sit her down and explain why that was SO NOT OKAY and she said, "The baby was crying a lot." when I asked her why she did it.)
Suggest not saying anything
Suggest not saying anything until the baby is a keeper (usually 3+ month mark) and all appears well. If you are a born worrier, you will worry about everything all the time. I was like that and it can be incredibly stressful, which is not good for the baby. I had the adult stepkids do horrible things, had to see BM at an event where she was awful to us, all kinds of crummy stuff. Agree with others that counseling now might help frame conversations with SD5 regarding new baby. She will likely be jealous and may also be curious and hopeful too. I had hoped that the addition of a baby to the family would bring everyone together. It did not happen. The two adult stepchildren with emotional problems pretty much rejected the baby and the normal SD loved him like the baby brother he is. Funnily enough, the two older ones now wish they had a relationship but it is too late. Be open to the idea that it may work out...or may not but don't let it put a damper on your plans for the future. In my experience, people pretty much do what they want.