Uggg
My stupid DH forgot my birthday one year. He disappeared with SD11 at rhe time. They show back up with a diamond bracelet for me and a gold one for her. I was so pissed. It still bugs me many years later. I never wore it and told him it hurt my feelings. He didn't get it. Grrrr. Our relationship is much different now and he is making an effort to understand my disgust with the SKIDS. I would nip it in the bud now but nicely. Explain that you don't want to end up resenting SD.

Oh, wow. No, you are not overreacting. He is creating a mini wife.

He should have given you an adult, husband-to-wife Valentines Day card. That is just weird.

The flowers. He could have bought his daughter a bouquet of daisies and you a bouquet of roses. Or he could have given you a whole bouquet and given his daughter a single flower or something, but to say you have to share? And all of this in front of her? Humiliating.

I would be confused. Does he think of his daughter as a wife, or you as a daughter?

And you are newlyweds. Wow.

Does he only shop for BOGO deals (buy one get one free) I would ask if ever he was a Davidian:)

Oh noooooo!!! You are NOT wrong in how you feel!! Not even in the slightest!!!

My translation= he is trying to not upset the poor widdle SD- so hes being a Huge Coward!!! Rather then to deal with having to have a 2 minute conversation to SD- to explain that you do things like this in a Romantic Relationship & someday when she is Older, her Husband will do those things for her!!!!

Hes being a big wimp & wussy about it. He just cant stomache it to momentarily have his daughter upset with him-- so hes playing both sides of the fence!!! Hes poor poor logic is most likely "well I got both of you the same exact things so my daughter wont feel left out!!! Which is soooooooooooo wrong!!!!!!

You need to have a talk with your DH before any More damags is done. He is foolishly putting you & his daughter on equal footing in your home & in your marriage!!!!! He needs to CLEARLY define both roles. Wife vs Daughter. He needs to ELEVATE you back up to SPOUSAL status & all the rights that an ADULT has with that role in the family!!!!

HE is starting a VERY bad president in your home that will only spiral further out of control !!!!! Ohhhhh how I wish someone wouldve warned me about this 3 yrs ago!!!! I wouldve nipped it in the bud back then!!! But I didnt & now Ive got an almost 12 yr old boy who thinks MY house is his cause he gets whatever his dad has!!! & oh wow!! The troubles my Husband has caused with me & SS is awful!! Plus its put a ton of strain on my marriage which we are trying to rebuild the right way-- as me being DHs WIFE, not SS12 who thinks he has more authority in my home then I do!!! Its hard to try to undo 3 yrs worth of this crap!!! Please learn from mine & ithers here with the same problem. In my case I thought it would get better with time or my DH would step up for me. Sadly it came down to me ready to walk out the door for DH to get it!!!

The roles of wife & daughter are clearly different. One is a life partner & lover while the other is a child he is supposed to be Raising to become an independant girl as she grows up. Very different levels of affection & very different in type of love.

There was a similar discussion on here right after Valentines Day. Some felt it 'ok' for their DHs to but the same gifts. I felt very differently & heres why:
When a man buys any woman hes im a romantic relationship a gift for Valentines Day (as well as other holidays too) the man is trying to sweetly ENTICE the woman ROMANTICLY!!!! Its very true. Think about it. The pretty lacy lingerie, the perfume, the Halmark cards, the chicolates. Right?
So, with that in mind--- why on Earth would ANY man buy that same exact ROMANTIC item for his kid??? Ewwwww!!! Yuck!!

Perhaps if you bring it up to him like that analogy-- hopefully the poor sap will "get it"!!!

The flowers? If it were me- Id gladly wait till SD boasts about it again & then with a super sweet voice Id tell her that they are ALL hers!!!!! When your confused DH asks you why-- tell him a Wife should never have to split her romantic gesture from her Husband with ANYONE- especially a kid!!! I guarantee he will say something to the effect of " i didnt want her to feel bad" then Id say-- then buy her a darn candybar!!!! If not- then one single carnation outta do the trick!!! A WIFE shouldnt be made to be treated like a 10 yr old!!! Augh.

Hang in there girl!!! ((HUGS))

No, you are not overreacting. Great comments above.

Why are so many grown women jealous of little girls?? I don't get that!!

Your DH was being very sweet...to BOTH of you.

Keep bitching, and you'll be bitching soon that your DH NEVER does anything nice for you.

You're kidding right?? She not jealous of the SD. She's wondering what kind of a man she married that would walk on eggshells to not risk his daughter being jealous of her--his new wife. Sheesh. I guess he's a recovering Davidian.

Ugh. Kinda jealous because kids getting same romantic attention from weak dad. I think the obvious is we may all have the same kind of husband. Hers is only 6 months in. I really feel for her. Nip this in the bud or one day she'll expect to be bought the same car as yours, credit card limits etc. "But, but, but why does SHE get whatever she wants daddy".

...And BM laughs & laughs because she's not the jealous one. All DH had to do was buy a little girls card. Too dumb to keep talking about it. Feel free NoName to look at your DH & SD with suspicion on Mother's Day LOL

Try to look inside of you and ask yourself whether you can live with this man. Have a calm conversation with him and if he still does not respond or is understanding of your feelings give him time( as you see fit) to see if anything changes. If nothing changes look for the answers within you.
I was in a similar situation. He never summoned the courage to change. Almost 2 years after I left he still does not get it - it is still same old same old. I was assured it will continue till she is 18. I wonder what will happen after that. But not my problem anymore.
I agree with most of the posters that his behavior does not honor you as his wife. Please, take care of you.

Dtsy-- I think I have a little girl-crush on you now!!! What you wrote is dead on ! Bravo!!

I have the crazy situation like some stepmoms & SDs do-- but for me its SS11 towards me!!!

I can totally assure you all tgat I have 0000 % "jealousy" towards my SS!!! He has absoltely nothing to be jealous of!!! I dont think the OP in this case is "jealous" either, she jusf used a "word" Perhaps a different word should have been used? I dunno. But from all Ive read here- "jealousy" doesnt really fit at all.

Yep-- I see that word typed- no need to point it out. Lol. Im gonna think over this weekend about a totally different scenerio other the Valentines Day one to try to explain it better. But oooohhh, trust me "jealousy" is sooo not even in the realm of how I feel about my SS11 situation. Perhaps thatlll help to clear up how us Wives feel when the dingy DH sets us up to fail (not him) by putting a Wife & a child on the same level.

& Yes!! I totally feel these Men get their Egos stroked this way. It sadly makes them feel like hes a big prize that these people are vying for his attention & affection!!!! Its the DHs-- Not the SMoms who created this frantic need & jealousy these skids exhibit!!! The skids are the jealous ones The DH was who created this kinda manipulative attention seeking behaviour in SS11!! Not in his wife!

Augh! Its sooo hard to deal with & Nobody gets it unless You have to live it!!!

OP- hang in there!!!

^^^^^ Hell Yes ^^^^^ 10 year old daughter and wife are not the same - he is bloody delusional - silly man :jawdrop:

No, I wouldn't't be offended. He sounds like nice guy and probably didn't mean anything offensive by it.

My own Dad would give me gifts when he gave my Mom gifts. At Easter she would get a diamond cross necklace and I would get a smaller version. He gave us both diamond stud earrings, cards and matching bibles, etc.

it didn't seem like a big deal to my mom.. He loved us both.

Don't make yourself miserable over this. I don't think your so had any underlying motive or weird feelings for his daughter or meant to hurt your feelings.

Take care

Dh sounds like a fence sitter. He is attempting to not show what he considers favoritism. He wants to send a message to his daughter that he loves you the same, and that is so not the case. The poor man is creating a terrible mess!
If I were you, I would sit down and have a discussion. That showing different love to your daughter and wife is necessary to creat a healthy environment. You are not a peer of his daughter and vice versa.

My ex gave his mother and I the same present for Christmas. I was in my early 20s and she was about 50. That didn't work.

I wasn't at all jealous of her. I thought her whole family treated her like crap and thought it was nice he picked out something nice for her. Didn't begrudge her the gift at all.

But it did convey to me that he put absolutely NO thought into buying me something. Of course that was better than the time he gave me another woman's necklace (so he thought) that he found in his car. It was MY necklace originally.

I have BD8 & I can Wholeheartedly tell you all that I would NOT be ok with both her & I getting identical gifts!!! Even if we were still in a intact family!! My exh never ever got us identical gifts nor did he ever confuse our very different roles!!! To me, that is just kinda sick!!

My Husband also is shaking his head in disgust & confusement at this blog. He ALSO thinks it weird & pretty grosss. The comment he made to you about "loving his daughter more" then his spouse totally made him wanna vomit!!!

My DH suggests talking to your DH about the two different types of love here & why he ought not confuse the two!!!! He also agrees that you oughta tell SD she can just have the whole bouquet!!!! Then tell him to knock his gross crap off!!! My Dh feels that the stepdaughter mosf likely threw a fit about him getting you flowers & he sadly told SD they were hers too to shut her up-- because of SDs Jealousy!!!! He took the waaaay lazy route & thats both sad & pathetic!!!

The flowers & identical gifts, could have also been:
--- dinner at the most romantic & expensive restaraunt
--- Him buying you both the same perfume (ewwww)
--- him buying you diamonds that match (waaaay innapropriate
---- Him buying you both the same lingerie
----- Him buying tickets to your fav singer (that she has no clue who they are)
----- Him buying you both the same rings
----- him buying you that book 40 shades of Grey - for her too
----- Him buying you two matching shirts.
----- Him buying her gifts on YOUR birthday (shes gotta hv something to open too)
---- Him taking the kid along for a romantic weekend trip (cant make her feel left out!!)
----- Him making a comment to his Wife that she looks super sexy in red- then goes out & buys his Daughter only red shirts. Yuck!!

I could go on & on. For those who say they dont care if your DH buys the same exact gifts for Wife & Daughter or Step-Daughter-- these are just a few examples of how dang nasty this could get!!!! Still think its "cute"??!!??

Uck!!

No, not really offended. Pubicly make a big happy thing about it. Privately tell DH how it seems he is putting the both of you one the same level and how it can create havoc later and that you appreciate being thought of only as more of an adult. Men are often so clueless.

But you are going to have to learn to share too, as does your SD.

There will be many more unintentional and some downright intentional slights. Learn to pick your battles.

Sounds like your dh is trying to prevent sd from getting jealous. My dh used to do things like this. He would buy me something really nice for Christmas for example, then take sd's out to shop with him for an Xmas present for me. He would pick some inexpensive sweater and this is what he and the girls would wrap and put under the tree. A few days before Christmas we would beg me to open the real present with an excuse he just couldn't wait. I would open my gift and all and then it would be carefully hidden so sd's had no clue what he had bought me for Christmas. On Christmas day we would all open our presents. Big, super expensive fancy gifts for the girls and then dh would have me open my "Xmas gift". In reality he spent the same amount on my real gift as he did for each of his girls...so yes we all received gifts of the same value (like who cares I had not even thought about that or cared until it became apparent to me that he felt the need to spend the same equal amount on his then girlfriend as his daughters) but even worse the big facade to encourage sd's to think I had actually received far less from him than them! I actually used to wonder if he really did this just to prevent them from being jealous or if he was hoping to make me so! And the hilarious part - sd's STILL got jealous and resented me???!!!!

Well I'd have to say that if my dh did that to me I'd go right out and buy myself a BIG HUGE bunch of flowers and say loudly so sd can hear "look at those flowers your dad bought me"! Then I'd say to dh in private that if he ever brought me down tosd's level again I'd throw whatever he gave me into the trash and proclaim it unfit for a woman. haha. But that's just me having a temper tantrum in my head.

So anyways while sitting here with dh while he's holding his precious grandson, I described your scenerio to him and he said your dh is uncuthe (sp?) and should be told that is simply not something a real man would do.

I remember my dad always buying my mom flowers, he'd put her huge bunch into her huge vase and then he'd always go back to the car and get the smaller bunches for us sisters. My ex husband bought me and my daughter flowers only on a couple of occasions, the first time being when she was born and he bought me a doz red roses and her one white rose that was in the middle of mine!

The vday card is even worse imho. He should be taken over a knee and spanked for bringing you down to a child's level, especially on vday. That day is especially for lovers and you either buy something for her/him or nothing but never buy something similar to the kids. Again my dad always bought mom a big box of chocolates and then us kids chocolate bunnys or something. My dh always buys me chocolates and the kids things like cheap bags of candy from walmart.

If your dh was smart he'd go right out and buy a big bunch for you and put his daughter smart mouth to rest.

Im sorry--- but trying to compare dinner steaks (which everyone commonly eats food every single day..lol) to Romantic Gestures is rediculous!!!!!! Thats a comparison that totally does not equate!!!

Gifts given to Women- with an obvious romantic desire is not even close to a steak & potatos!!! Lol

Why is it that some people think its the SM whos the "jealous " one in these types of circumstances???? 9 times out of 10 its the SKIDS who are sooo green with jealousy!! Lol. That part cracks me up. Faaaaar from jealous -- more like refuses to falter obvious Boundary issues!!!!! It is soo far from being "jealous"!!

Nope, you have every right to be hurt. I would be too! You are his WIFE. You know, the one he has sex with and shares a bed with and stuff. It's not that hard to pick out two different cards and he could have gotten his daughter a single rose/carnation and let you have the bouquet to yourself. You deserve to feel special. Growing up, my dad would buy my mom a pretty bouquet and get me and my sister some candy. Made us happy!

Yep, I would be offended. He needs to find his head because it is not on his shoulders IMHO. A joint gift for like aged kids is one thing.

A joint gift for your wife and your daughter .... not a good idea and IMHO is offensive. Not only did he buy flowers for you and SD to share, he did not make the minimal effort it takes to select a meaningful card for your bride on VD.

This guy needs some clarity.

Sincerely,

Before anyone continually broaches this subject there is something you need to consider; most of you are all like ‘why are you jealous of a little girl?’ ‘They’re just flowers!’ ‘Why can’t you share? You’re an adult!’ ‘Why do you need two of anything?’

You are all missing the point. It not about the flowers or the cards or the money situation. If you read any other posts by this woman her husband has generated a VERY unhealthy family dynamic. He makes it abundantly clear that he is for lack of a better word addicted to his daughter and thus everything she does is wonderful and she can do no wrong. He also makes it abundantly clear he doesn’t care about his wife and she is regularly a punching bag, scapegoat and (I’m willing to say not even) a second banana to his daughter. It seems like she is a non entity to her own husband. He doesn’t seem to love her or care about what she wants, how she’s doing, or whether or not she’s happy. It’s all ‘pay my bills, lay me at night, take whatever my sweet princess throws at you, and don’t ask me to acknowledge you have any form of personhood.

Lucky for her she’s now divorced and his perfect princess is ALLLL HIS PROBLEM. It was also made clear that he wasn’t interested in changing the dynamic. He doesn’t put his wife and daughter on the same level. He puts his daughter at the level of a goddess and his wife at the level of a slave. 

I’m loathe to imagine what direction the SD13 is going in. Probably some future criminal.