I agree , same rules for all kids. It doesn't stop my ss from being a devil child but he has real issues that will hopefully be worked out with this new therapist sooner than later. Even though I can't stand his face at this point, I still do for him like I do for my own. That's what makes me a parent, step or not.

In our house it's the opposite. All rules go out the window when skids are over. No washing up, no picking up after yourselves, no bed time, no nutrition, no rules, no consequences. My SO thinks because they are only here EOWE or thereabouts they shouldn't be held to the house rules. Drives me nuts.

Im not sure whos making rules that only skids have to follow, but I agree with craving.. getting SD to follow any rules is the issue, not select rules that were 'made for her'..?

You're right that it should all be the same for each kid. I don't hold any rules for SS9 that I didn't have my own daughter. (She's 23, almost 24 now, was 18 when DH came along and went off to school so no time did they ever have to live in same place as she has roommate she stays with now). Granted I don't think they are even Rules so to speak. It's what should be done as in
1. Clean up after yourself. Make your bed. He's not a baby. He can do that. He laughs and tells us about how he tries to get over on his StepDad by hiding his dirty clothes under his bed instead of just taking them to the laundry area like he's told. That shows me what kind of kid he is and I will not have that kind of sneakiness going on.
2. Brush your Teeth & take your shower. Everyday.
3. Wash your hands before going into kitchen and after using bathroom. Very common hygiene stuff more than rules.
4. Don't get to eat as much or as often you wish when it's not dinner or breakfast.
5. Don't get to walk on any furniture. 6. Don't drink your juices in the living areas. I was even flexible on this until he spilled a whole cup of milk of couch after being too lazy to sit up and drink it. Then he turned the cushion over without saying anything to us and we didn't know until the smell revealed the situation and ruined couch. Then he lies about it so the rule became No beverages in living area.
6. Don't interrupt. Say please. Thank you. Sir. Mam, Excuse me. Common manners.

These are not rules that are exclusive to him. They hold for my own child, for every niece and nephew who visits. It is not unreasonable. He has threatened to not want to come here anymore because I've told him he can't monopolize the TV with his cartoons all day long. He walks out and slams the door. I then told him he doesn't slam any doors around here. DH then says "he can't even be comfortable here!"

What's so damn uncomfortable about having to stand in a kitchen to have a drink or having to SHARE the common areas?? No, he doesn't get to lay around on my furniture that I purchased with my money at a good penny before Dh existed and so if I don't lay around eating on it, neither is a kid. Just because he can't do all that he wants when he's here, means he's not comfortable? Then he can stay home... bothers me None. His BM just lets him do whatever so she doesn't have to pay attention to or actually raise him. Not happening here.

So when it comes to Rules of the House, it goes both ways-- Parents can't expect their spouses to let the rules go out the window when their kids visit, especially if there are rules for the kids in the home FT. And Stepparents can't make rules for the Skids that they don't have for their own kids. However if one kid -skid or bio- violates in a way that the others don't, then only that kid has to deal with perhaps new rules and that's not unfair--that's consequences.

I agree same house same rules regardless of kid. Only difference in my house is age. There are some things my kids do get to do that SO's don't because they are older but the little ones are told when they are older and responsible they will get to do those things too.
I know part of my kids resentment of their dad is they are held to a higher standard than his gf's dd (she used to get her kid high, take her out to parties at 12 etc my exh put a kibosh on that but....) and my kids were left to sleep on floors couches and air mattresses after he got the house he did with the promise it was so they could have bedrooms and instead moved in his bff, her boyfriend then he got his gf and her kid. Almost 3 years he finally got rid of the roommates, the girls share a room (they are very cool with that and I'd hope so) and ds has the tiny room all to himself. It's made a difference because they feel like they belong there too sometimes at least.

DH doesn't hold his kid to any rules in our home any more. Drives. Me. Insane.

Then he bitches when she doesn't automatically do things.

DUH DH. DUH.

I tell him the same thing every, single, fricking time. You don't her accountable for her behavior, so you've lost the right to bitch about it.

I'm a key person too because I've been given every reason not to trust sd17. We never locked the house when she was living here and if we did we all used the same kept hidden. Now that she has been gone a week I pulled that key and started locking the door.

and believe it or not my ddidn't flinch either. Hmmm I must be right on that one
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We pretty much had the days of "Sk's Gone Wild" where they were free to roam and do what they chose, but my kids (who are here 100% of the time) did not.

I BEGGED my DH to hold his kids to some standards -- I would say, "I'm not asking you to hold them to a higher standard than my kids, just hold them to the SAME standards."

And it was the typical stuff -- be courteous, please/thank you, clean up after yourself, etc. I never once expected my SK's, who were here every weekend, to swab toilets and mop floors. I did, however, expect that if they peed on the seat they wipe it off, or if they dropped food on the floor they'd clean it up....

This whole subject has been very enlightening for me. I am older than just about anybody here (close to 70) and grew up in a different world.

In addition because of my profession most people moved across the country on a regular basis (I've lived from London to Sydney with about 15 places in between). So visitation was usually not even every other weekend.

I've always thought of visitation as just that "visits". Never once thought of it being the visitor's home. I'm not criticizing anyone who feels different just stating that is a new view for me.

My peer groups kids grew up in a time when there were not cell phones, the internet, etc so contact was sometimes very limited. People actually wrote letters. But virtually all of these kids grew up and love both parents if the parent made any attempt at staying in contact.

I do not have bio children. I married DH when his son was an adult - sort of - early 20s. I don't feel like a parent to him at all. DH tells me though that SS thinks I hung the moon. Makes me feel kind of guilty sometimes.

I think I consider them visits as well, and I am pretty sure the skids feel that way too. They never leave stuff at our house, whenever we buy them something it get's packed away in their bags ready for when they leave.

If I have any special treats in the cupboard they make sure they eat all of them before they leave - they purposely leave nothing nice for the kids that live here. Even cereal, my SO goes and buys his kids the sugary shit for when they are here, and they make sure they polish that off on a Sunday arvo before they go home, to their homes - where they live, they wouldn't want to leave a bit of the treat for my kids the next day.

I think it is ridiculous pretending they live in both houses, when they clearly don't, they live with their mums, and visit their dad.

My two felt like visitors at their Dad's once his g/f (then fiancee & now wife) moved in with her kids. They were okay with sharing what had been their rooms (although they said they'd have preferred to share with each other). Where the resentment started was when those rooms were redecorated to the stepMom's and stepsibs' tastes, and they were not allowed to have anything personal that didn't match.

Yes, they were held to the same standards and rules, which they understood and I supported. I did think some things were a bit silly. For example, when they were there for NYEve, Dad/fiancee went out, stepsibs went to their Dad's, and our two were left home alone. And told that the "rule" that the kitchen closes after dinner stood, and they'd better not be getting any food/beverage. Uumm... New Year's Eve? The following year? Stepsibs' Dad took them.

I know what really annoyed them, though, was being expected to help clean the bedrooms, when they arrived, and the mess was not theirs.

My skid lives with me 24/7. We're moving out of a rental FINALLY and into our own home. I want my 2 bios to share a room together and skid to get his own room. House has a finished basement for kid toys, and friends to hang in and watch movies, play xbox, etc. I want my bio boys bond to stay close forever. Skid is autistic and prefers his own space and honestly, he'll be in my space stimming and playing video games and other crap if my boys are in the bedroom (skid and my younger son share a room now). I think this will benefit EVERYONE in the house. But, i'll be honest, if skid went into his room and stayed there and left me alone, I'd BE A VERY HAPPY CAMPER! Everyone wants to bash TASHA1983 because clearly this post came as a follow up to hers, but truly, most of us want to deal with our skids as little as is humanly possible. Would I force my skid into that room and not come out, no, of course not. But knowing him and knowing he'll prefer his own space, i'm giving him AND me what we both want and need! Go ahead and bash, most of you know me by now, I don't give a monkey shit! I don't like skid but still take better care of him than DH does....

kristinmarie722, I feel exactly the way you do and I think you explained it really well. I also thought the point you made about when skids visit sporadically and whenever it suits them (or their BM's - in my case) explains to me a lot why I feel like they are visiting. The cheesesticks as well, my skids make damn sure they eat anything that could remotely be considered a treat before they leave. My own children are 9 and 2 and nothing gets eaten without asking, it's the way I was raised. If I know a few days in advance that they will be coming over I let the pantry run out of treats and school lunch snacks, but most of the time I get less than 24 hours notice. If I have already bought the groceries I have to hide my 2 childrens lunch snacks so they won't eat them. It's not meanness, but we are on a pretty strict budget, my SO pays CS to two BM's and is not an equal contributor in my home and this puts me under pressure financially. My skids have stolen from me as well, they have gone through my storage boxes and pulled everything out and taken my things HOME with them. It is hard to get over that, I feel like patting them down when they leave now - lol - I never would!

I tried really hard in the beginning to make them feel at home. But it was like they pushed every button, every boundary. How can I make them feel at home when they are violating every comfort zone of MY home for ME?

^^^^ THIS.

When DH and I married SS was 13 and he was/is very spoiled and entitled. I moved into DH, SS and BM's (ex) home. I may have been a little insecure about moving into HER house because DH had not changed ANY thing. So it was pretty upsetting to me. DH was trying to make the transition as normal as possible for SS so the only thing he really did was take her pictures off the family room wall.

So when I started making changes DH and SS balked. DH would get over it because he told me do whatever you have to to make it your home but SS resented the changes and would make it known. I didn't care. I refused to live in a house that looked like BM.

I bought new furniture for SS, new bedding, new decor, etc but SS still resented me taking over HIS house. Of course, he looked at it as being HIS house and not mine. Actually, I think he still thought BM had more "rights" to the property than I did. I felt like I had to "stand my ground" and it just caused more resentment with SS. Looking back on it maybe that was immature of me to feel like I had to "stand my ground" and "prove my place" when I was the adult, but that is how I felt.

I didn't demand he ask for food, he took what he wanted, he came and went when he wanted in whatever rooms he wanted except I ask that he not go in OUR room. I also talked to DH because he would buy SS whatever SS wanted no questions asked and I knew that was a bad habit to start with a child. That has proven true. SS is 18 and still throws a fit if DH refuses to give him money. Just bigger fits now.

I also asked that BM not come into our home when I wasn't there. SS (and BM) did not like this. She was used to coming and going in the house as she pleased.

SS did not do well with the boundaries I (we) put on him or BM. He knew that I intiated the boundaries and not DH. So the resentment began.

Before SS moved out BM told DH that SS does not feel welcome in his own home.

Do I think I handled everything perfectly when I moved in? NO.

But I do feel like SS was used to being treated as an adult not a child and he expected me to not rock his boat. By the time SS started telling me how he wanted his laundry done (BM's way)I was done. I had shut down and really didn't care about what he thought of me anymore. I still don't. I don't wish him any ill will. I just don't have any strong feelings for him.

Did I purposely set out to make him feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in his home. NO, I did not but I refused to live the rest of my life with a teenager ruling the roost and thinking he was boss over me. I didn't allow it when I was raising my kids and wasn't going to start then.

IMO, the skids should be treated fairly. I tried to treat SS how I would treat my bios but that was not good enough for him.