Why is she so angry all the time
I'm relatively new to this stepparent thing and one thing I can't understand is why my DH's ex wife is so angry all the time. She was the one who wanted the divorce because she met someone else she wanted to marry, but despite this, she has not moved on from the marriage. When I met DH, the two of them were definitely still married psychologically. She would call him daily, sometimes multiple times a day, just to talk about her life, tell him he was a terrible person, and generally use him as someone to complain to. She also asked him a million questions about his personal life - where he was going, who he was dating, what kind of car he was buying. When I first realized this, I told him that I wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with a man who still had an emotional relationship with his ex and he cut off most of her phone calls. She still would call him to take care of things for her. Most of these things had to do with the children, but she would even ask him to do things that her husband could have easily done. For example, she wanted DH to drive 40 miles to pick up the kids after school when she couldn't, even though her husband is a "stay at home dad" according to her and they live 1 mile from the children's school. When things got serious between DH and I, something in her snapped. I think she couldn't stand the fact that he had actually gotten his life together and was moving on. She would yell at him over every little thing. If he picked the kids up 5 minutes late, she was mad. If he picked them up 5 minutes early she was mad. She accused him (both him and me actually) of wanting to move next door to her, so he could stop paying child support. She called him a deadbeat dad when his insurance took 1 business day to process a claim for one of the children. Sent him text messages calling him a loser, calling him stupid, saying "your best isn't good enough." She said that I "might be a child abuser" even though she admitted her children enjoyed spending time with me. Everything came to a head when she demanded a mediation session - I'm still not sure what her issues were - and then at the mediation acted as if he was attacking her, crying and pretending as if she was going to throw up the whole time. During that mediation session, he somehow got it added to their agreement that they only talk on the phone in the case of a clear emergency. She signed that agreement, but then told him he was neglecting his children if he didn't take her calls, told him she would never go along with the agreement, even though she signed it, texted him to claim things were emergencies when they weren't (once she had decided to not send the kids to sleep away camp, another time there were baseball tryouts the next week). Then there were days when she would text him for 2-3 hours straight saying "why do you hate me?" "why are you so mean to me?" When DH contacts her to say he's concerned about something to do with the children, her response is - "you're always so hateful toward me." "Why are you so mean to me?" That was her response when DH said he was upset that neither of his sons had been handing in their homework (after we learned this at a parent conference). She's now stopped with all of the texts and has moved on to telling the children "your dad hates me!", "your dad doesn't take my phone calls!", "your dad wants to take you away from me!" The latest thing is my SS11 has been saying for the last month and a half "I know secrets, Dad", "Mom told me secrets about you." "Mom told me how you caused the divorce". This child has also had a meltdown on the last four visitation weekends saying to his dad "you hate my mom!", "you're always mean to me", They have been separated for 5 years and divorced for 4. The divorce was her idea and according to her, her new husband walks on water, so why is she still so focused on my husband? Why is she so angry with him? Why can't she just move on? I know there aren't any answers to these questions, but I just need to vent to an audience who may understand how frustrating this is.
Sounds like she has
Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. These people are blackholes of need, and they are control freaks. She thought DH was so in love with her he would never move on, so she could bask in the love of two men and get unlimited attention from both, forever. Now he has "abandoned" her, she has lost control of him, and she her alienation tactics are ramping up.
Here is a video series that explains parental alienation, he talks too slow so I watched it at 1.5x: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_gfu_4XNyU&list=PLO84sFCS3IvXUZAYFhQfre...
She will never move on.
Our BM is exactly the same way, but she has Antisocial Personality Disorder (she's a psychopath). AsPD is rooted in BP organization.
We had to file a police report to get her to stop calling him at work. We brought a printed copy his company's policy on personal phone calls and told them his coworkers were complaining. They didn't want to take the report because they are lazy, so I told them this is Harassment and we will return every day until something is done about it.
Then she kept blowing up his cellphone, so we got a restraining order. DH installed Mr Number on his cellphone to stop her calls, he only accepts texts or emails from her. She is not allowed to get out of her car during exchanges. He stays in his car or the house too. We had to take videotape of her having a tantrum on our front porch and putting her foot in the door to prevent us from closing it. We also called the police on her every time she denied his visitation. She was threatened with arrest and contempt. For several reasons, DH eventually got sole custody of SD.
I strongly suggest you put these measures in place. Expect her to get worse then. If there are physical interactions or public events, make sure you have a video camera ready. DH can NEVER, EVER be alone with her again if he doesn't want to be arrested for "abusing" her. Buying a video camera is cheaper than going to jail.
Yep. Only our BM stopped
Yep. Only our BM stopped after the restraining order. We never changed custody because the skids would always lie for her.
Very good response above.
Very good response above. Your BM sounds like the one here. Hard boundaries and no game playing on your side. DH refused to do mediation with the nut bag, there was no point. She already refused to follow the CO in place and deemed herself capable of changing it at will. Her dad was also some high up in the police department there so enforcing any CO would simply not happen (he also knows the judges). Try to get it enforced to communicate with our family wizard or get your SO to simply refuse to communicate via anything besides email...something you can record and print out. Don't respond to games or anything that does not need a response. People like this go nuts when others refuse to engage in their games. She will probably amp up the PAS and get the skid to fear his dad through brain washing and there isn't much dads can do to combat that.
The BM here successfully PAS'd skids, communication is non existent and stress has gone way down. Our marriage has gone from discussing divorce to discussing setting our lives up for retirement together. Don't let the woman take over your life. Unfortunately skids are clones of their mom....a woman DH couldn't stand and married out of obligation. ::shrug::not my problem, i stay out of DH's relationship with those 3 horrible people and I no longer have panic attacks over that drama.
Ever since she first accused
Ever since she first accused me of possibly being a child abuser, I have steered clear of BM. I don't even look in her direction when we are at sporting events for the children. Getting DH to cut off contact has been another matter entirely. He still foolishly thinks that if he reasons with her and shows her that she is putting the children in the middle, that she will see the light and stop. We just had another conversation about this tonight, because she sent him a text accusing him of talking about "adult issues" with the children and he sent her a long email saying that she was the one discussing adult things with the children and putting them in the middle and he was angry about that. He's asked her repeatedly to not butt in on his weekends and also told her that she needed to start being parent and stop trying to be her kids' best friend and let them do whatever they wanted. She responded and told him he was just being mean because he was bitter about the divorce and insecure (not sure what he was insecure over, she didn't specify).
I told DH that my goal is to get him to limit communication with her to the point of cutting her off and I would keep pushing on him to do that. I told him that I was sick of her toxic energy finding its way into my house and that I thought instead of directing all of her hate and toxicity toward DH, he should be smart enough to remove it from the equation, so she could direct it at her current husband. No need for my DH to provide an outlet for her dysfunction anymore.
You mentioned Our Family
You mentioned Our Family Wizard, a lot of exes use that.
We use Google Calendar. She has read-only access. It gives her much less excuse to text DH about exchanges and extracurricular events. He needs a solid parenting plan and visitation schedule, and even then she will create as much chaos as much as possible.
He completely ignores any text or email that is either crazy, or already-provided, obvious information. No stupid questions.
Regarding the anger. Their emotional landscape is barren, they are dead inside. It is a poverty of spirit. They love anger, it is the only thing that makes them feel alive. It's pathetic really.
Tell him to go argue with a tree. There's no point reasoning with an irrational person.
After DH and I got engaged,
After DH and I got engaged, but before we were married, we went to a counselor because BM's behavior was causing problems for us. During those sessions, two different counselors said that BM seemed to have "borderline tendencies" (there are other things in BM's past that fit the borderline mold, too, including risky behavior, attention-seeking, paranoia). My friend who's a counselor said them same thing when I told her some of the things BM had done.
The videos you included were super helpful! They resonated so much. I do fear that BM is creating a borderline personality disorder in her child, because she is so enmeshed with him. Whenever he is with us, she calls him at least once, sometimes twice a day and sends him regular texts saying "are you ok?" She totally ignores his brother when he is with us, only calling him when the enmeshed child doesn't answer his phone. They are twins, so it's not as if age is a factor. It's really disturbing to watch her project all of her mental instability on to this child. One the last visitation, he even said to us "I can't sleep at night, because I have anxiety like my mom." For one, he puts his head on the pillow and doesn't fall asleep immediately, so then decides he can't sleep. He usually falls asleep within 30 minutes to an hour. For another, what 11 year old knows what anxiety is?
If he picked the kids up 5
If he picked the kids up 5 minutes late, she was mad. If he picked them up 5 minutes early she was mad.
This was BM over here. DH is always early so he would sit on the corner, waiting for the EXACT time to pick up/drop off. So ridiculous!
BM is the one who kicked DH out (although he should have left long before), and after the third time, would not go back. She always wanted him to come back after a few months because of money, and he was the one who actually tended to the kids (including his step son).
She was pissed as hell when he would not go back to her and even madder when he filed for divorce (even though she was living with, and planned to marry, someone else. Or so she said). She told him she was going to file but never would. I really don't think she wanted a divorce, she wanted to be able to play him. She did not love him, she was just mad that she wasn't getting her way and could no longer control him. She thought she could control him forever because she gave birth to his daughter.
Unless she wanted something, she was always trying to pick a fight with him. He has her on tape just ranting and raving at a pick up, for no reason.
It was a long 13 years but once SD turned 18 and got married, and CS was done, DH quit talking to BM at all. He rarely talked to her after SD was a certain age, anyway, but her being emancipated sealed it. Good riddance.
I think these women stay angry because, even though they seemingly got what they wanted, they are still never happy unless they are in complete control. When their ex moves on, they know they've lost some control and with my DH, BM lost all control because he did not let her use my SD to manipulate him. That really pissed her off. She also thought they would be "bonded for life" and that he would always have to keep in contact with her. Hahahahaha! THAT didn't work out.
I am pretty sure BM over here has BPD. She was under psychiatric care when she was younger but DH does not know what she was officially diagnosed with, but my bet is BPD. It doesn't even matter, she is who she is and she is out of our lives.
So, I do know how frustrating this is for you and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It's hard on everybody in their path, including the kids they claim to love. Especially, the kids the claim to love.
I feel like we have the same
I feel like we have the same BM. Although, in my case, BM did not take DH back because she moved another man (and his child) into her house three months after kicking DH out. DH has already told her that once the kids are 18, he's done talking to her. She told them she thought that was "sad" and he should feel bad that he's still so bitter about the divorce. That made me laugh out loud. She's the one who can't even look in his direction without shooting daggers, so who's really the bitter one.
And yes, it's so true that her children will be the most hurt by this. I expect at least one of her children to never be able to form a health adult relationship because he'll feel like he's cheating on his mom.
It sounds like she wanted her
It sounds like she wanted her cake and to eat it to. She isn't angry she is jealous of you.
Get the book, "Say Goodbye to
Get the book, "Say Goodbye to Crazy, How to get rid of his crazy ex and restore sanity to your life"
It's on Amazon and worth every penny!! I could of written your post. My husband's ex will go off on wild texting tangents and then out of the blue text, "why do you hate me?" "Let's just be friends for the kids sake" She has called CPS, the cops, the school, tried everything in her power to turn their kids against him. This book will give you some tools to deal with the insanity or at least know that you are not alone
I downloaded a free chapter
I downloaded a free chapter in that book. Sounds like I need to buy the whole thing.
Yup, the BM in my case sends crazy, angry, mean texts followed by the "why do you hate me? why can't you be my friend?" texts. She also denies she ever said anything mean, even when some of the things she's said are in writing. It's the very definition of gaslighting.
I know it's hard, but at a
I know it's hard, but at a certain point people need to learn to either forgive and forget or find some way to move past everything and go on with their lives.
I have an aunt who is now around 90 and she STILL is angry at her ex who is DEAD for leaving her for another woman decades ago. I believe it was maybe 40 years ago??!!!
She has held on to this bitterness, never that we know of, tried to find another relationship. It's not that she hasn't had hobbies and had a comfortable life since one of her sons is very wealthy and helps her a lot, but she is still angry at her ex for cheating her out of a life she felt she deserved.
It's kind of sad now that she is coming to the last years of her life and at a point where she has wasted so much time just being angry.
I said the same thing a while
I said the same thing a while ago to my mother-in-law. She continues to think that if only DH was nicer to BM that things would be ok. DH totally let her (MIL) have it once and she sent me an email (I think because she didn't want me to be offended). I told her that I understood where she was coming from, but that BM was absolutely awful to DH and constantly using the kids as a weapon. I told her that I know divorce is difficult, but BM has a new husband and a new life, so she should just move on and focus on that. It's been five years since she kicked DH out, so how long is she going to hold onto that anger?!