When Skid Starts Referring to Stepparent as Mom/Dad
So I'm curious what everyone thinks here.
As most of you know, my SD is 5 years old and her BM isn't really in the picture much aside from summer and the occasional holiday as she lives a few hours away. We have full custody and she gets visitation but aside from us bringing her there sometimes, she doesn't try much or call or anything. I've been in SD's life full-time since she was about 2 years old.
Lately I've noticed she's been referring to me as "mommy sunshinex" and her mother as "mommy BM" to others. She's even referred to me as "mommy sunshinex" to BM on the phone once or twice, and BM usually just laughs it off and doesn't seem too bothered. I'm guessing this is partly because she doesn't see her actual mom much and partly because she knows i'm pregnant...
I guess I'm just trying to sort out what I'm supposed to do here. I'm worried she feels left out or she feels like we're becoming a family and she's the odd one out, so she's trying to find her place. I don't know if I should talk to her, or let her know she can call me mom (i don't even know if that's appropriate) or what, but I feel like it needs to be addressed somehow.
When I came home today she said something along the lines of "i'm glad you're home. you're the best mom. me, you and daddy are a family" almost as if she's trying to make sense of it or get reassurance. She doesn't seem worried or jealous of the baby at all, but she definitely seems insecure of something. I try to include her as much as possible but i'm wondering, do you think i should be doing more? Does it sound like she wants a mom because baby will have one?
I'm sad for her but don't want to cross any boundaries. I do see her as my child, even though I know i'm not her mother, I also know i'm the one who has taken that role. I'm feeling pretty uncertain right now.
I would let her work it out
I would let her work it out for herself. If her bm doesn't care, I would just let it be. No conversations or questions, just answer when she calls you, whatever name she chooses as long as it's a respectful name.
In many step situations this would not work, but I think in your case it will from what you describe. Don't be surprised if she changes this up a few more times as she goes through different stages. Right now she's a very small child who wants to belong. I say let her.
My ss occasionally calls me mom or introduces me as a parent. Sometimes he takes pains to explain that I'm a stepmom. You can see him working it out in his head. Nobody corrects him. He is autistic so it's a bit different situation. On the other hand, his bm is very much present in his life so perhaps it balances out in the end with your situation.
I would correct the "best"
I would correct the "best" part of best mom - something like "There's no best mom, just two people who love you." You aren't in competition with BM so don't let SD think you are. Other than that I'd let it be just like ChiefGrownup said.
SD11 and SS10 have called me MomPeri or Mom for about 4.5 years. SD11 has recently started calling me Peri. I responded to it just as I used to respond to Mom. When I didn't have a big reaction to the change there was an almost palpable sense of relief. A few days after the first time SD11 called me Peri, I casually reminded both kids in the car that while I love them both, I'm not trying to replace their mom and if they ever want to call me Peri instead of Mom, they can. This has been something I've always told them since SD11 first started the MomPeri.
On a side note, SD11 seems to be back firmly on the 'Mom' name. No idea when that changed again and it will probably change again soon. But ultimately I feel it is up to SD11 and SS10 to be allowed to define how they feel about our relationship (as long as they respect that I am an adult in this home).
Edit to add: Also I would note that she also has BM as part of her family. Part of this may also be her seeking reassurance that even though her family is growing, her mom is still part of her family.
This little girl has nailed
This little girl has nailed it. She recognizes that you are her mom and that you, she, and her dad are a family. Let it ride. BM gets no say IMHO.
This is nearly exactly how our blended family titles worked out. I met my bride when SS-stb25 was 15mos old and his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.
I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy). The BioDad nearly immediately became Daddy (First name). I was Dad(dy), he was always Dad(dy) first name. Now my son refers to BioDad only by his first name.
The SpermClan took exception periodically over the years but that never changed what the kid called me or how he saw me. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22 and we made that happen.
Kids are smart. Particularly the ones who get a quality Sparent at a young age. My SS knew who his REAL dad was and he knows who his REAL dad has always been. Being a REAL parent has nothing to do with biology.
Good luck.
In my opinion only--- it is
In my opinion only--- it is not ok to have her call you mom.
I know there are a lot of people who see no problem with it.
Regardless of what her BM is, was, is doing, is not doing makes no difference. It is her MOM.
IF mom gave up her parental rights then have at it sunshine and adopt the child hook line and sinker but until then she has a mom.
JMO
Normally this is not a bad
Normally this is not a bad rule of thumb. But there are a thousand different circumstances that influence it. In this case you have a very young child with an absent/disinterested mother whose full time loving sm is about to have a baby. It's very common for kids that age even in in tact families to be looking for reassurance that their place in the family is solid. Evolutionarily speaking, a young child is hard wired to make sure they will be cared for in order to survive. So in this case the young child is turning to her caregiver for survival and the reassurance she belongs.
It may be extremely difficult for this child to process that even though she was there first and she has no other soft lap (as opposed to dad's hard lap) to climb into that suddenly the baby will be more special than she is and she must constantly reinforce her own outsider (therefore insecure) status by use of a name that the baby will not have to use.
Since the child is experimenting with this on her own initiative and the bm doesn't mind, I say don't make her feel more insecure by denying it to her.
At the same time I caution the sm not to count on it because there is likely a time to come where the girl will re-identify with bm and re-brand sm. I think the sm's best course is not to make a drama out of any of it. Let little girl figure out her own path on this.