I don't like the kids having a choice- unless there's a problem with a parent who's unfit or has a house that's unsafe.

I don't like the kids choosing whether or not they want to go to the other parent, because my SS(15) is being given a choice by his parents, and he never goes to his mom's, and I never get a break from him.
And I don't think that teenage kids are usually mature enough to make the right choices.
Also, they can deprive themselves of a good relationship with the other parent, by not spending enough time with them because they want to be around friends. They don't know how important it is yet.
When I was a teenager I never wanted to go to my Dad's because he lived in a different town and I wanted to be with my friends. It hurt my dad alot, and now I feel very guilty.

For us, it's been a gradual thing. As they got into their teenaged years, they had more and more things to do on the weekends. Not just hanging out with friends and doing nothing, but sports or school activities, church activities, dates, etc. If we'd lived close enough that they could've continued doing these things from our house on our weekends, then that would've been ideal. But we don't live close enough, so any weekend they are with us is a weekend that they have to give up all the other things they want to do. The more we try to enforce that, then the less likely they are to want to come be with us.

I don't think kids should make adult decisions at all, but teenagers are young adults and I think the older they get, the more we should consider the plans they make for themselves. This is the time, after all, that they start branching away from both parents and start developing their own, independent lives. I think it's okay to cut teenagers some slack with the visitation. We haven't arbitrarily enforced EOW visitation with the skids since the oldest turned 14. We also dropped the "all or none" stipulation... we'll take whomever wants to come and if someone doesn't want to come, well, they can stay with their mother.

DH has told his kids that they are welcome to come whenever they want to visit, just say the word and we'll arrange it. I'm good with this approach. As his kids get older, it becomes more about planning time to be together and less about enforcing a court order. True, we don't spend as much time with the skids as we'd like to, but we didn't really get to see them that much more when we were fighting to get them EOW.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I don't think the kids should call the shots. They're kids, and they don't always make wise or reasoned decisions. That said, if there's an event or activity you can accommodate by changing weekends, I think that's reasonable. For example, SD15 lives with us full time. She sees BM most weekends. If there is something going on when it is our weekend, we will arrange to switch weekends with BM. That way husband still sees SD but she can do the things she wants (within reason).

That being said, we are in negotiations to change custody and have SD live with BM. SD has already told husband that she won't be coming to see us when she lives with BM. So he put in a stipulation that SD MUST come at least one weekend a month during the school year and one week a month in the summer.

Most kids, by the time they are high school age, will be getting jobs. You're not going to enforce visitation at the expense of costing them that job. So I think it's a balancing act and a recognition that if you feel strongly enough about it, you should mandate a certain visitation schedule. Your kids may not understand it now but they will when they are grown and still have some sort of relationship with the NCP.

I may change my mind on this one once skids get older, but I don't think it should be up to them. Work schedules can be arranged and adjusted. They are still entitled to see and have a full relationship with both parents. BM is always making her house seem like a party, at 7 and 9 - I can't imagine the shit she will pull when they are older just to entice them to stay at her house. My fiance is having to fight for a lot even though she cheated on him and she left him. I can't see him giving up his 50% without a fight. I have no doubt that she will encourage the kids not to work - she can barely be bothered to take them the places they need to get now, I can't imagine her giving up her car to them as teenagers. She's so selfish and greedy - I doubt she will buy them a car. Of course she will expect my fiance to do that, since he makes so much less per year than her. the point is that she expects NOTHING of them now - she isn't going to suddenly change when they become teenagers.

All that is to say that when they are physically and emotionally mature enough to make good responsible decisions, maybe, but these kids are so retarded in their emotional growth that I can't see them operating on anything other than whatever sob story BM tells them to get them to stay at her house. To me, that is not a good enough reason to blow off their dad.

Occasionally our kids want to stay at one house or another for a family thing or school thing or friend thing. We try to work those out. We have given them a choice on the mid-week (for us that's actually Mondays) that they go to the other parents house that they aren't with that week, but for now they both want to continue it. They miss the parent they're not with, or want a break themselves from the parent they are with.

When they get into high school I'm sure this will happen more and more, but my ex and his wife live literally 2 minutes down the road so it's very convenient. His wife wants to stick to a strict schedule (she's very anal about stuff like that) but my ex and I are more flexible with each other because it benefits the kids, AND us when we go out of town or they do. For family events or trips we never argue about it, just make the arrangements. Oh and her kids' deadbeat dad NEVER takes his kids, and his kids don't want to see him, so I don't think it's completely fair of her to tell my ex that if his kids wanted to stay there full time they couldn't.

We have fifty fifty custody. I get very little CS (200 a month for both boys) even though my ex made 3 or 4 times my salary when we got divorced (actually I wasn't working at all when I left, but didn't take any spousal support.)

So I have always told my sons, if there comes a time when they want to pick what house to live in full time and just visit the other, we will find a way. I briefly had two houses before I officially moved in with DH. And even though I could get back in my car and drive back to my house for anything I needed, it was a pain in the arse. I gained a lot of sympathy for the boys then. If they ever say, "I'm done with this two house stuff" then we will find a way. I don't think that makes my sons SM happy, but I have to do what's best for the kids. I would be hoping they chose me but I have no way of knowing as they are very close with their Dad as well, AND SD creates so much drama. That blended family has been together as long as exH and I have been apart, so it feels more like their family then my blending does.

Anyway, sorry to go on, but I really think there are a lot of variables that come into play, and each family has to do what's best in their individual situation.

I will say that kids should get a say in some cases, after all some BM's like mine seem to pick and choose when they want to TAKE their visitation right?

Peace, love, and red wine