Well said, unfortunately divorce and step families have changed so much for the worst. It's not just the children that are torn or we wouldn't have support groups like this. We are dealing with a huge crisis in our country. One where committment is lost, too many parents divorcing as a result of their personal selfish interests without even trying to resolve the issues. When I hear couple with children talk about divorce I wish they coudl see what I have been thru and could see this is not a solution. My oldest daughter a few years back was determined to leave her second husband (children by both), thought she was in love with an old boyfriend. I try not to pry in my kids' business but I got pretty tough about this one and asked her to give her husband a second chance for the sake of the children. She didn't have to listen to me. She was mad and she said some really hateful things about me afterwards but they are still together.

We now have 'holiday' parents, parents who aren't parenting their children and others who are afraid to. Other parents who are trying to alienate one parent from the other telling them lies about the past. It is very sad.

Our country is also slipping.....there is more acceptance for things in our society that I feel will be the downfall for us all in the end. There is more sex and violence in every media circle today which is sending our youth a very bad message. The language, the actions, inappropriate pics on cell phone and website. Our kids are up against so much and in too many cases have parents living the same lifestyle.....drinking, drugs, porn/sex addiction, not being examples, caught up in their own heartache.

Unfortunately, unless couples start trying harder to save their marriages and be a family, I think we are going to see more and more decay in our society which is going to affect the family unit.

Excellent comments here. I agree on so many aspects - boundaries not being taught, and parents are seeking their own agendas . . leading to divorce. This entire daddy daughter thing had me baffled. Clearly fathers are not thinking. I can't even imagine a "date night" for daughters and dad. How about calling it "dinner or lunch" instead? Unfortunately no one has taught these daughters that their behavior is inappropriate. It's quite pathetic. I recall joking with my husband that in some counties maybe it would be appropriate for him to marry his daughter and he should check into it. He wasn't amused. On more than one occasion I've had to tell him that I wasn't going to try and compete with his daughter . . and he finally got the message.

Finally, here's a good one . . ..after getting out of the shower, my SD used to walk around wearing a towel . . and nothing else. DH said nothing but stared with his mouth open and his eyes bugged out because he was obviously used to it. I put an end to it. Oh, and for the record, she wasn't 11 years old, she was 25.

I feel the same way godess. Even when I see my BF and his 17 year old daughter sharing a blanket together watching a movie on the couch I want to puke. I am only 25 and I don't act like that around male figures unless it is my BF. Especially my own dad that is just disgusting and unnatural. That is a reason I can't stand some of these girls, grow up and get your own man and lay off your father pervert!

i can't say i agree, what i would do to have a daughter daddy dance/date night with my dad. but i didn't have my dad growing up either, he left when i was 5, didn't see hide nor hair until my teen years, that was only brief, then not again until 7 years ago after my dd was born and since i've gotten married, i barley talk to him at all

i encourage my dh to dance with or take my sd's out on daddy dd date nights, almost makes me envy them for them to have their dad in the picture and him WANTING to be as active with them as he can be

Yes, agreed...all good perspective here. I have also made the observation that there seems to be quite an obvious difference based on whether or not the parents are divorced. When I first started seeing my SO he raved about his adult daughters and claimed to be lucky to have such a close relationship with them. So I thought, isn't that nice. Little did I know what he meant by close. What he was referring to was them calling him 5 times a day and making pointless conversation and when they come over to watch movies they like to lay their head in his lap etc. Or at least his youngest does...no she's not 7, she's 20. It also seemed as if he "checked in with them" on things that they should have no say about giving them that spousal status someone else mentioned. Those behaviors creeped me out but at first I was too afraid to say anything thinking that maybe this was normal for some families. Until I came here. Now I see that so many other SM's have these concerns and I have a much better grasp on what acceptable/appropriate dad-daughter behavior is once these young ladies are adults. At this point I have seen so much positive behavior with regard to him setting boundaries with them that I feel a little guilty discussing previous issues with line crossing. However, I think it's still important to share because I know people are experiencing similar concerns.

I remember when conversation about SD23 and SD20 would come up and he would make comments about them and certain things he would say just really bothered me. It got to a point where I confronted him and told him that sometimes I got the feeling that I was being put in the same category with them, making me feel like the "other woman" and I told him I thought this was inappropriate and I didn't want to feel that way. He agreed with me that he realized the relationship with his kids needed to change because they are adults now and perhaps they shouldn't be coddled as much as they were as children. His kids haven't been awesome with accepting the new way of things and have of course blamed me for the changes that should have been a lot more natural for them. Taking the adult spousal privelages away did not go over well but was completely necessary as I am his partner NOT them. Would it have been way easier if he never allowed this in the first place? YES but live and learn right? I became much better with time about telling him my feelings and thoughts on how some of this behavior "looked" to other people and how it could get misconstrued as something else. He seemed completely taken aback and shocked about this and it really was genuine. I have noticed over the last several months that instead of getting defensive with me, he really values my opinions and is so appreciative of my perspective as a younger woman who is closer in age to his daughters. I feel much better about his parenting skills now that I know him more and I think he does make a lot of really good decisions with regard to his adult children. He has taken my advice on some things and that makes me feel fantastic. It took awhile to get here but I was really persistent and I didn't back down on what I felt strongly about. He expects me to challenge him on the things I don't believe to be right and when he does something good, I praise him for making a good choice with his kids. He had no idea how much they would be affected by the divorce and things were way out of control when he felt guilty but now he's a billion times stronger and with that...more firm, more of a father than a best friend to them. It's absolutely what I need for him to be because he needs to be MY friend and I have to feel like the ONLY woman in his life.

This forum isn't knocking dads spending time with their daughters . .step or otherwise, it's about addressing issues of boundaries and inappropriate behaviors between fathers and adult daugthers.

Touche . .love that line "more of a father than best friend." I've used that same line when setting DH straight about boundaries w/SD (27). The towel incident was bad enough. But one night SD knocked on our CLOSED bedroom door, DH opened the door and SD proceeded to feed him a spoonful of dinner she was cooking . . like she was a 10 year old cooking her first meal. I kicked him out of the bedroom. When I told my friends this story they thought it was weird and creepy. Recently at a family function SD came and sat next to DH. He got so uncomfortable he scooted his chair closer to mine. SD got the hint and went and sat at a table with people closer to her own age.

Sometimes it may take a while but DH does eventually wise up!

ick-guess I'm glad I have a ss. I can say as grown woman I've never had a "date" with my bio dad. He's an awesome dad-I see him frequently along with my mom and my kids-but I've never even felt the need to have a "date" with him.

You have "dates" with your wife/GF/SO not your daughter. Nothing wrong with taking your daughter somewhere, that part is great long as you don't call it a date. A daughter is your own flesh and blood...such like a sister...mom....son....would you go somewhere with them and call it a date? I just completely don't understand it and don't know that I want to.

Great Post and I agree. I am living this insanity in a much lessor since, but it exist.

Touche! If my DH had his way my SD would still be a little girl. Even she had to get on him and told him he treated her like a child. On the other hand, it was her fault because she still acts like a child. The other day she told him she was making him a plate and wrapping it up. His reply was "aww, ain't that sweet." Now are we talking about a 5 year old making daddy a sandwich or an adult here? I wanted to throw-up. He still doesn't get it.

Mustang1 it's pathetic to see how emotionally crippled they are because they've been coddled. My SD thought it was acceptable to allow meat to thaw out by leaving it on the table . .overnight. To this day we have to get on her about lights. We've also had an issue with her not properly disposing of her personal items in the bathroom trash. She's going on 30 mind you . . Just the other day I had to get on him about not putting up food she left on the table. I told him "leave it out so she'll learn to either put her food away or leave it out for 3 hours, eat it and get sick".

You've hit the nail on the head, that's exactly what it is. A parents job is to teach not to be a servant. To want to keep a child dependant is pathetic and doesn't teach them the life lessons and wisdom they'll need to become independent, self-reliant adults . .that's why SD is still living with us. I'm so happy she's getting married, it can't happen soon enough.

Speaking of dishes, DH would go out town for business and come home and every dish in the house would be dirty . . and he'd wash them like a moron. He's finally starting to see how his coddling has crippled her emotional growth. And she's learning to stand on her own two feet.