Tired of Step daughter including BM in DH's Milestones
Last week was a big milestone for my DH. He retired from his job after 35 years of service.
I had a little celebration with just us as we re still in a Pandemic however I including everyone on a gift and we did a zoon dinner. I prepared food and dropped it off at everyone's houses. We ate together and shared his moment. All sounds good right? Well now it is has just been brought to my attention that when he retired, SD posted a tribute to him and included family pictures of DH and BM and the kids. She also included pictures of DH and BM's wedding. I don't have Facebook but I hear about it and some even show me.
This happens with every milestone in DH's life. I get maybe the tribute although DH doesn't want pictures on Facebook. There is no mention of me ever and it is like they are just one big happy family. BM is toxic and he has caused a lot of trouble through the years. I am just so sick of SD putting this all over Facebook every time DH has a birthday, father's day now retirement.
I have never said a word to SD or DH. I don't even know if he knows it is out there any time it happens. SD acts like she likes me to my face but then excludes me. Should I just forget it and not let it bother me? DH and I have been together over 20 years. I guess I get that we are never really going to be a blended family.
Oh my flipping Gawd
The bullcrappy of these SD's, doing the dirty work for mumsy.
After 20 yrs married the SD posts wedding pics from numero uno family. Yea Id be pissed. Prob nothing you can do, but steam and stew inside. Awful advice but I feel your pain girl!
Not awful at all ..
you validated my feelings and I appreciate that!!
You are right about that BM then shares the post on her FB and everyone comments like he is still her husband.
Approach it from a different angle
Your SD is showing how pathetic she is that she still can't get past 20 freaking years. She's exposing her weakness and pain to the world. If it was me I'd smile inside at the signs of her suffering.
Respect!
"If it was me I'd smile inside at the signs of her suffering."
That is hilarious, The_Upgrade!
Unless the pics are ones
Unless the pics are ones where BM just happened to be there.. but are relevant to the milestone.. I would find that kind of odd. I might even ask my DH... "huh.. why do you think that SD keeps posting old pictures of your wedding day with her mom? don't you think that's a little weird considering the current state of that relationship?"
No they are pretty deliberate
pictures that have nothing to do with his job or retiring. Milestones of his life may include BM but very inappropriate when he is re-married and to not include me.
Sorry for the typo's didn't catch them until after the post...
Zoom Dinner and she has caused trouble not he... also I included everyone on the gift..
Your feelings are fine, but
Your feelings are fine, but honestly, there is nothing you can do. I would try not to let it bother you.
I really don't understand
I really don't understand your SD's logic on this? I mean all your family and friends know they are divorced and he is married to you...so aside from looking sad what does SD get out of this? Do people actually encourage her in her delusions. Personally I might have a few friends or family ask point blank on her posts "Why are you posting pictures of your dad with BM? DH is married to SandyB and has been for sometime now...not sure are you just taking a trip down memory lane or are you that delusional?"
I wondered that too - I
I wondered that too - I pictured her Facebook friends being like, um, hasn't her father been married to someone else for 20 YEARS?!
Agreed!
Some people will think she is pathetic. They will see this as someone who hasnt let go or faced reality even after 20 years.
Agree. Sounds delusional.
Agree. Sounds delusional. Does BM "like" these pictures being posted on Facebook?
Facebook is a weird place. It leaves a lot of past life up there but, why countinue to bring BM up into your father's life that he hasn't had in 20+ years... not normal. I would be offended if skids did this to me.
Her mother encourages her..
Thank you, that is a good idea! You are so right!!
Her mother encourages her to do it. I don't understand it either. As someone who isn't on Facebook, I wondered what people think when they see it? DH and I are not on Facebook and nothing about us ever is. When she does this, I would thnk people woud think just as you said that she is obviously delusional and isn't DH remarried? Why are their family pictures?
His retirement milestone should not even have a family picture of DH, BM and the kids. It has nothing to do his retirement. I am 50/50 that BM put her up to it. BM is toxic and crazy and harassed us for years. She often included pictures of herself with school pictures to DH. The kids were little then and may not have gotten it but they are in their late 20's they get it now. she should not be doing this.
The reply below was to you .. advice only ...thank you!
Her mother does encourage her, It seems I guess because BM is so toxic no one ever wants to say anything about her behavior or the kids behavior. If they do it sets off BM on us and whoever says anything,
I guess I was just foolish enough to think that since I included SD in all of this retirement stuff and had really tried through the years that she had grown up. She had started to act like she really liked me but act I guess is the key word.
I don't get it either and hope when people see it they don't get it either.
My SD did the same thing
and posted a wedding photo of her parents on facebook. My DH gave her a call and asked her to delete the photo asap. He doesn't have Fakebook himself and didn't appreciate his photo being posted which she already knew. She did delete it.
My DH said she did it to annoy me. And I have to admit, it worked
Of course it did
These type of SD's are Masters of Pain. Fight fire with fire , or take the high road. I prefer fire LOL
You are so right
I prefer fire too.
Ignoring and not letting them
Ignoring and not letting them know it gets to you is effective too. It's not as fun for them if no one reacts to it.
I agree and you would think but ...
This has been going on for years and I never react as far as they know. However she still does it. Then after she posts it she shares it to BM's Facebook. Then all of BM's lunny friends comment and like it as if DH and her are still married. It is bizarre!!
20 some years later ..... It is behavior like this that puts permanent wedges in blended families!!!
Exactly. It's so damaging to
Exactly. It's so damaging to blended families. More people need to understand that.
I like the fire idea....
What do you have in mind? Remember I don't have Facebook or want it to post anything ..
SD is showing her true colors
She doesn't like or respect you. Why on earth did she include wedding pictures of DH and BM. Just to put you in your place. The outsider. Time to totally disengage from her. She is not invited to your home anymore. DH can see her outside of your home. No gifts no doing anything for her.
she started this.
Harry I hate to say it ..
but I think you have spoken the truth that didn't want to admit. She doesn't like or respect me.... And yes she is trying to put me in my place and show DH as belonging to them and excluding me.
She, just like her mother blames me for the reason that they are not one big happy family. I obviously had nothing to do with it but she sees me as the reason why her mother can't come back, or call DH or have any contact. She doesn't see that her mother caused this herself with her constant harassment and threats to me and DH. I think the day has finally come to see that.
So bizarre. Imagine holding
So bizarre. Imagine holding onto that bitterness for two decades! They must be two miserable women, SD and BM.
God Tog ....
God Tog I never really thought of it that way... It sure puts things in perspective......
It is bizarre thank you for your comment it validates the situation ...
I don't know why I care that she does it but I do. I think it also bothers me when she gets 50 or 60 likes on the post and some of those people are our friends. I hope they are liking the overall retirement post and not the pictures.
If I were you, I would tell
If I were you, I would tell people to stop showing you her posts or telling you about them, and stop giving her so much head space. It's totally pathetic for BM to still be mooning over her ex-husband of 20 years. Get on with your life and know that they are miserable people not worth a thought.
The best revenge is living well. Facebook is often fake stuff anyway - you have the real thing.
He must be pretty hot stuff!!!!
To hold onto those photos and want to connect!
No worries - my DH, his ex Toxic Troll still thinks that someday they will "be there for each other'. And I saw this on Fakebook! LOL.
Honestly Tog...
I agree I should and I have sometimes. But to be honest every time something big happens in our life I wonder if SD has done something like this. Or should I say I worry that she did and so part of me has a hard time stopping others from telling me because, I would worry all the time that it was there this way I find out when it is and the rest of the time I can think I guess its not because no one told me. It's horrible like waiting for the other shoe to drop!!
FB comments. “Ahhhh, youthful mistakes”
"Good thing he learned from it."
Oh yes, the classic skids or in my case
Miniwive sd's who casually come across a pic of daddy whilst married to his batshit crazy exwife and sd's painting how love a life and how happy daddy was when the reality was, their bio mum was batshit mother effin crazy, daddy was miserable and being abused and neglected by batshit crazy, skids likely were also abused by bio mum via her daily abuse and neglect but yes lets play this fantasy we're amazing and the only family of daddy when reality is he's got more quality relationships or marriage out of being with you and is happiest with you!!
when sd22.5 did this, my husband would just awkwardly say "oh" but its all a part of their game
'says her pastor/wife team
'says her pastor/wife team "tricked" her'
OMG that is hilarious! A pastor and his wife out to make couples divorce? Did she tell them what this dastardly duo's motivation was?
Actually I have just noticed...
this tribute and all of the other tributes in the past are about SD and BM and them getting and bringing attention to themselves. It is also about trying to claim "ownership" in cyber world of DH. SD doesn't really care about her father or his mile stone. She cares about herself and what BM wants. If she really cared about him she would call him or get him a card or something. She would also keep his life off Facebook as he wishes.
It is so sad that 20 some years later she and BM are still stuck on this. I hope most people see that...
They don't call it fakebook
They don't call it fakebook for nothing. I have a coworker who's fakebook makes her look like a drug using alcoholic hooker. I'm not sure why she wants to put that impression out there but she claims it's just for fun. More like a cry for attention IMO. . Alot of fakebook friends are clueless about others' reality and only have the facade that is posted to go by. Your SD and her BM are pathetic here. When people show you the fakebook posts, tell them no thanks you are not interested in what twindle dee and twindle dum are doing.
Thank you !!
So true and I hope people see it as fake and actually odd. I mean pictures of BM and the kids it doesn't make sense!
You are a woman of grace and
You are a woman of grace and class is all I can say. I would have blown a gasket. I understand she is trying to get a reaction from you, your DH or whomever and I know by not saying anything is being the bigger person but it is obvious she does not respect your or your marriage to her Father. I don't care if it's been 20 years or 1 year of marriage, that behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I absolutely hate fb and this is why myself or my husband do not have it. Obviously though that didn't stop your SD. I feel you should address this. Unfortunately I am so hot headed I would probably lose my crap. This SD has absolutely no boundaries or respect.
Thank you for the compliment...
I used to get very upset. Then I tried a little harder with SD thinking that maybe she was young and just needed to see we were a family. She started to seem like she really liked me. I think I thought things were changing and I think this hurt a little more.
I also think that my life perspective has changed somewhat during the Pandemic. I got perspective on life a little differently. I think I finally realized this is it and this is how it is always going to be. I also think that I have looked at this situation and said wow this is more than 20 years. I think a pause made me really slow down and think.
What happens at our house stays at our house
We have a rule: What happens at our house stays at our house. What happens at BM's stays at BM's. This has ended so much drama. If there are concerns or issues at BM's we encourge open dialog (We have primary custody and she gets limited visits), but nothing about our lives, our jobs, our family, anything is allowed to be discussed at BM's unless we have given prior approval - this includes postings to social media. If something is posted on social media without permisson SS loses all access to internet for 1 month except for monitored school. If we find out he spoke about family issues he is no longer allowed to talk to friends for a month.
I realize this may seem extreem, but it only took once and he is closed up like a sticking zipper. Not that we have anything to hide, but BM will ruin any special event, claim events as her own, or twist something good into something horrible. He is counceling and free to talk to his counselor about anything and his sessions are one on one with the couselor. The counselor has played a critical part in saving our names in court and taking the majority of BM's parental rights away.
Say Something
As hard as it may be, you should say something to your husband. Your SD's actions are hurtful, immature, insensitive, and disrespectful. Her father has a wife, and it's not her mom. BM doesn't have to be a part of your life, but your husband and, like it or not, SD are. Her actions are affecting your relationship with your husband and with her.