Tell Me There's Hope!
I've attempted to disengage from SS10 & SS15, which has proved to be not only difficult but rather fruitless in my situation. And I'm having a really rough time right now with BM (who's Narcissistic) constantly undermining DH's parenting choices and authority. She makes almost all major decisions for the skids and just sends an email stating that's the way it is. DH has basically given up on fighting her on most things. He doesn't want to stand up for himself because he's done it before and just opened pandora's box. Not worth it. That's his opinion, and a whole other post...
Sooo... please somebody tell me it gets better after their out! We've been together for 5 years, married 2 and counting down EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. until their gone.
Tell me there's hope. That even if it won't be perfect, it will be so much better. Pleeeease.
I hope you get some good
I hope you get some good replies, I am wondering this myself! SD is 13 so 5 years and I am also counting.
Well, it depends. When child
Well, it depends.
When child support ended, my DH stopped talking to BM completely so that was definitely better. Actually, they rarely spoke once SD became a teenager. BM had full legal custody, so did what she wanted regarding SD.
As an adult, if my SD chooses to listen to her mother's stupid advice, there is not much my DH can do. He certainly isn't going to have discussions with BM about it now.
Good point. Right now, them
Good point.
Right now, them not living here would be "gone", and ideal. If they want to live with their mom and follow her awful example/advice, I'm fine with that! I just want to stop hearing their complaints and whining every day!
And I would be absolutely shocked if they wanted to come stay with us on the weekends they're home from college- if they even go.
And Lord knows I don't want them to!
I think in large part it
I think in large part it depends on your DH. If your DH has good boundaries (both with BM and the kids) then it usually gets better. If he's a doormat/ATM/bitch, it might not. My own DH thinks kids who are out of school must self-support. He doesn't believe in letting 24 year old dropouts lounge on our couch while playing xbox all day and eating all our food. (In fact, he would be APPALLED.) So once mine got to be adults (well, 2 out of 3 and the third is technically one) it did get significantly better. They visit, come for dinner, call... but they (mostly - other than for something out of the ordinary like a wedding) know better than to ask for money, they don't spend the weekend, and they've turned into tolerable young adults who are not psychotic.
Unfortunately, there ARE some smoms to adult skids where it most definitely did not get easier. If you have a "failure to launch" kid living on your couch and a Disney Dad who refuses to kick them out or even demand they get a job, that SUCKS. Or a dad who's perfectly happy siphoning off the retirement account so Princess can have a new car.
i have to think it does. we
i have to think it does.
we didnt see SD14 for an entire month last summer when she was throwing one of her hissy fits abotu visitation. that month was HEAVEN.
i would gladly pay extra CS if it meant she never had to be in my house again ever. and we dont even have her that much, mercifully.
i suspect by the time she's 16, visitation will have all but stopped. we're on the hook for CS until she's 19 or 23 if she goes to college, btu she's a certified moron like her mother so we are pretty sure it will be done at 19. lucky for us, she's 18 the majority of her senior year so she will graduate and at the end of summer it will be over.
Do they live with you and
Do they live with you and your DH full time? If so, why is BM calling all of the shots?
Is your DH willing to give them the boot when they are of age?
They live with us 50/50, but
They live with us 50/50, but they walk to BM's after school until DH is done w/ work and picks them up, and when DH travels, they stay with her- which is a few times a year. They call her house "home". She's calling the shots because she doesn't have a job and goes to school (not in the summer), so she takes them to most appts and is a complete control freak of them (except when it comes to SS15's failing grades). She doesn't think we should make SS15, almost 16, make his own lunch.
DH is definitely willing to give them the boot- we've discussed this before. As soon as they graduate/start college, they're out! I told him even if they stayed around here for college, they wouldn't want to stay with us anyway! BM's house is way more fun because they can do whatever they want! SS15 just does whatever BM says, he doesn't have a backbone to voice his opinion- EVER! I wish he did so he could live at his mom's full time, because I know he wants to.
I think it's funny how
I think it's funny how everyone calls the bm a "control freak" or "narcissistic", etc. for calling the shots over Dad, but here's a prime example of why.
*they walk to BM's after school until DH is done w/ work and picks them up, and when DH travels, they stay with her- which is a few times a year.
*They call her house "home".
*she takes them to most appts
So what you are saying is (regardless of WHY) she is the one who steps up and takes care of stuff kid related while he is working and traveling. Because EVERYONE on here will tell you that YOU shouldn't do it as stepmom because it's not your job. If he is gone, they should be at bm's.
She isn't calling the shots because she's unemployed. She's calling the shots because someone has to. I know it pisses off stepmoms that the bm has some control over the kids who will be in their homes, but if you weren't in the picture, Dad would be perfectly fine with bm calling the shots because that's generally who calls the shots in an intact family. It isn't about control. It's about roles and the kids fall under "mom's domain." Generally.
I agree that DH would be fine
I agree that DH would be fine with her calling the shots. In an intact family. But BM has changed quite a bit since the divorce (I've seen and DH has said), and I think most Smoms on here would agree that the same rules do not apply in a divorced/blended family. Totally different ball game.
And it's not my job to be with the skids, because I've tried that. I got nothing but ridicule/hatred/manipulation through the skids from BM that I wasn't doing things the "right" way- packing lunches/what they wore/what they ate for breakfast! etc... So it's no wonder why ALL the Stepmoms on here say that- it's because BM's don't give them a chance to be good Stepmoms, so disengagement to prevent pain and hurt are understandable. Props to you if you have a good situation, but that definitely doesn't apply to a lot of ladies on here.
Absolutely it gets better.
Absolutely it gets better. But .... there is of course always a but... only if your DH grows some balls and comes down on BM like stink on shit each and every time she steps out of line with the CO.
The only reason why BM dictates to your DH is because he never got his balls from her purse in the divorce. Rather than cower to her he needs to grab her by the short and curlies and drag her kicking and screaming in front of a judge each and every time she pulls her toxic bullshit.
That is what it took for things to improve in our blended family adventure. When my bride quit tolerating the toxic bullshit from the Sperm Clan and started beating their asses each and every time they so much as twitched out of alignment with the CO then and only then did things start and continue to get better.
If DH does not get this crap under control now and keep it under control it won't ever get better whether the Skids are out or not. If he does not reconnect with his man sack the only way it will get better even after his boys age out from under the CO is if he writes them off completely and has nothing to do with them which we all know just won't happen.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.