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Step-Daughter

JY's picture

Submitted by JY on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:12pm

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General Discussion

I am posting to hear peoples perspective on the situation.
Over the weekend we had SD over to the home after her 15 day vacation with her mother. When my boyfriend came back from outside with SD he told her to go upstairs and call her mother. Boyfriend went to the bathroom and so, SD comes to me for help on using the new phone in our home. I have the phone number logged in the phone directory so, I searched for it and when it started dialing I gave the phone to SD. Boyfriend and I always tell SD to go to her room so, she may have privacy when she is having conversation with her mother don't want her to feel awkward in having conversations with her mother. We want her to feel comfortable and free to have conversation with her mother. SD decides to stay downstairs in the living room. I am sitting by the computer and realize that she is doing this but, I don't say anything because, I didn't want to be rude and interrupt. I continued looking at email on the computer but, couldn't help hearing some portion of SD's conversation. I tuned it out but, some parts I didn't. Basically, I heard my SD tell her mother that we hadn't finished her bedroom that we had a few things to do in it. The child's room is finished she just wants some Hannah Montana stuff which we already found but, are holding off on because, we just purchased the house and have had alot of expensives. We bought her a bed set for now for her bed. Now the BM I assume is asking her why we didn't finish it because SD replies to her that we couldn't finish it in 2 days. Please note SD's tone changed with her mother, it seemed like she was annoyed by the reaction/questioning her mother was having.
Then I overheard SD asking her mother to come to her therapy appt. Now I assume the mother asked the daughter why she wanted her to go because, as per SD's reply she wanted to see her. Afterwards I didn't pay attention anymore but, I don't understand why does the mother care if we haven't finished SD's room? The other thing is I don't understand why SD would invite her mother to the therapy appt when she knows I was going to be there? Furthermore, when I told boyfriend this he couldn't understand it either she had just spent 15 days on vacation with her.
Does anyone have an opinion?

_Jess_'s picture

Submitted by _Jess_ on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:26pm

My SD(11) always ups the wanting to see/talk to mom stuff right after spending a lot of time with mom. SD spent a full week with mom for the first time since we got custody this spring, and for a full three weeks after that was asking to call mom all the time and wanting to go over there every weekend (we're on EOW).

I don't know why exactly, but maybe its normal. I think, with my SD, she was having withdrawal from party-central (her mom's house has no rules and SD's cousin who is a few years older than SD -- so she's a 'cool' teenager -- lives there -- so its like a slumber party every night). At our house, there are rules and bed times and chores so its no fun.

Gestalt's picture

Submitted by Gestalt on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:54pm

maybe it was just conversation filler? I always just automatically ask my son why about almost anything

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 3:30pm

As my SD goes out of her way to make sure BM and I don't intersect due to BM's rages if she catches a glimpse of me. Interesting. Maybe she wants to have a therapy visit with BM? To work on issues with BM?

My SD's BM is mentally ill, and only has had very limited contact with SD's therapist because she is paranoid of anyone she thinks can see the real her. So though her therapist and I have talked about it, and DH and therapist have offered it, BM will not agree to come in for any more appts, with or without SD (never came with for any to begin with.)

As for the room, sounds as though SD was maybe excited and telling BM about what a great new room she was going back to? I know with SD's BM in my case she used to quiz her about any gift from DH for her birthday and Christmas, to put down what he gave her because BM wanted to out do us all the time. That ended pretty much when we got married because then BM didn't want the topic of my existence brought up.

What is the relationship with BM/ SD in your case?

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I love my husband's picture

Submitted by I love my husband (not verified) on Wed, 07/16/2008 - 2:16am

Thanks for the comments on 'normalcy' of these step family dynamics. I'm a new young stepmom with a preteen. When SD and I are together we warm up across a couple days to having a really good time to grow and share. But, I can't help the offended feeling when I see her text or call or recieve calls 10x/day with her BM when she is with me. The worst is the thankless job of being a stepmom behind the scenes, when the BM constantly does thorough interviews of my interactions with SD... until ahha! she thinks she finds something I said or did... and then rips me apart in emails and calls to my husband and surely in conversations with my SD... sending us all back to zero. Sometimes I feel so confused as to why even try.